God's Little Freak (5 page)

“Because you have to live your own life and you have to learn your own lessons.
That’s life. It’s risky for me too, because there is a chance that you will desert me and follow the way of the world. I told you, just be with it,” God says.

“I don’t understand what you mean with ‘just be with it
’,” Kevin says.

“I can say no different. Soon you will understand. Just treasure our conversations and friendship and you will be fine
,” God says.

“Thank you, Go
d. I really feel so much better,” Kevin says while holding his pillow.

That n
ight Kevin has a good night’s sleep, for the first time that week. The next morning he wakes up with another idea. The medical books he read said that most people, especially men, masturbate. This is more prevalent during teenage years, but frequently continues into later life. So he decides it is OK to have a wank again for the first time in nearly a week. Since it is Sunday, they are going to church later.

At church, Kevin does
n’t really listen to the sermon as well as he normally does. His mind is racing, thinking about all kinds of other options. Maybe he can change? God mentioned change in one of their conversations; maybe this was his endeavour, exploring how to change his sexuality.

During a prayer for
general concerns, the Pastor usually allows a time of silence for people to pray for personal stuff. He would say, “For all our personal concerns, we now bring them to you in silence,” and remain silent for each member to bring to God whatever they have on their heart. Kevin asks God to help him on his journey to become heterosexual, so that he likes girls instead of boys. Kevin doesn’t have the usual conversation with God, but asks him for that and hopes that his prayer would be answered.

At the end of the church service,
the pastor asks that the following children with their parents should meet him afterwards to discuss something regarding the Confirmation classes. Since Kevin’s family is Lutheran, catechism is earlier than in other churches, but in Vryheid it is especially early, because children in the congregation often go to high schools in other towns. “Of course, I have my Confirmation classes!” he realizes.

Kevin thinks
that those who do not believe in prayer should have their heads examined. He prayed to God to help him and in less than 20 minutes he just got an answer! And it is an answer that he will be busy with for more than a year. “Somewhere it says that even before you ask, it will be answered and this is so true!” he thinks. He will do his Confirmation classes and learn everything there is to learn about God and Christianity and then, on the day of his Confirmation, he will probably be heterosexual and his life could continue as normal again. It’s not that long to wait, but at least he has something he didn’t have before: hope.

Every Monday afternoon Kevin has music theory. Since grade 3 he has been taking music classes and
is going to do the Unisa Grade 3 exam for piano this year. Part of music theory is to find out how to read, write and understand music. There are far more girls than boys in his music class, but Kevin doesn’t really find any one of them that interesting. The fact that he still thinks of boys as desirable as opposed to girls, doesn’t bother him that much, because he is sure – he has hope – that at the end of his Confirmation classes he will be heterosexual.

He sits next to Michael, who is one year older than him
and in high school already. Kevin likes him, and thinks of wanking with him often, but doesn’t do anything. There is something different about Michael. To Kevin he is simply beautiful, like an angel. He has blond hair with deep blue eyes and his lips are always red. Why that was, he doesn’t know, but that stands out and looks so cool. He is of slender build and not into sport that much, but very good in music. He plays the piano, the trumpet, the recorder and the guitar. He can play almost anything he hears on the recorder. Kevin admires that, because he has to practise a lot to play piano well and Michael plays four instruments. And he wants to learn to play the violin, but he can’t find a teacher in Vryheid.

Michael gives Kevin t
he usual feeling in the stomach: butterflies in the stomach, as some of the girls would say. However, there is something more, a warm feeling in his chest area as well, which is different in a nice way. His knees also feel a bit weak when they stand and chat. Kevin thinks that his life was so much easier when he was younger, because he had three feelings: happy, sad and angry. Now there are so many and what each of them means is quite a mission to understand. Michael also has a touchy-feely nature, and often in conversation touches the person he talks to. Not everyone is like that, and when he touches Kevin,
whoo-hoo
, all the feelings flow! Music theory is a bit of a drag for Kevin, but this year so far, it has become one of his favourite classes, because of Michael.

Kevin i
sn’t sure what to make of it, but thinks he’ll just see where it leads to. The way he is and the looming hell thing puts a bit of a spanner in the works, and his confidence and curiosity are replaced by uncertainty and confusion.

Mrs Rich
ards, the music teacher, decides to enter all her gifted music students into a competition in Newcastle at the end of August. She decides that Kevin and Michael should play a duet together, a piano piece for four hands. “What a stroke of luck!” Kevin thinks. He doesn’t think he plays the piano well enough to be paired with Michael, but he accepts it anyway. Michael is also entered for the individual categories of the competition with all his instruments.

Wednesday afternoons
are reserved for catechism. Needless to say, Kevin takes this very seriously. For him it is more important than music, school work, rugby or athletics or friends even, because it is the only chance of hope for change.

Kevin doesn’t understand why there a
re so many churches and often wonders if they are at the right church, because so many of his friends go to different churches. In catechism, he learns about Martin Luther and Kevin feels rather proud to be in the Lutheran Church. Luther was another explorer, except he was searching for the truth. He realized that everything about the church just didn’t make sense and that the only way out would be the truth. He is a different kind of explorer than Columbus or Copernicus or Einstein, but an explorer nonetheless. He had courage and even in the face of certain death, persevered. His ideas and translation of the Bible from Latin into German, a language that ordinary people could speak, led to the church Reformation and the Renaissance, a renewal of mankind, and moved mankind out of the Dark Ages.

How strange that at the time when the church ruled the world, it was referred to as the Dark Age!
  Luther is probably one of the most influential people ever in the Western world, because he was searching for truth and revealed the truth.

In Kevin’s
mind the church seems like a poor representation of God. The more he learns about the church, the more confused he becomes. The church Reformation was nearly 500 years ago and some of the things the Catholic Church did then, seem so incomprehensible today, like having to pay money for redemption of sins, or that salvation was determined by the amount of indulgences you owned. Kevin wonders what the churches are doing today that will seem incomprehensible to future generations. “Maybe I could explore something in the church like Luther did,” he thinks.

Kevin’s
fellow catechism students are not always pleased with having him in their class, because he asks too many questions that frequently makes the class 30 minutes longer than it should be. That doesn’t bother him. He wonders if they will discuss sex, wanking and boys who like boys, but doesn’t want to ask. The pastor doesn’t seem the kind that would talk about sex, similar to his father. But he still has hope, because God answered his prayer.

He
learns that according to Luther, sin is committed not only by deeds, but thoughts and words as well. “That is really tough! So even if I only think of another boy in a sexual way I am already committing a sin! It would definitely be easier to just become a heterosexual,” he thinks.

Eve
ry now and then Kevin chats to Brendan. He tells Brendan about his plan to change. Brendan is sceptical and tells Kevin not to have too much hope, because he has been hoping for change for more than five years and nothing has happened so far.

After
the chat, Kevin thinks, “But of course Brendan would fail. He goes to some funny church: not one that was founded by someone who took on an entire church and succeeded. In addition to that, I have always had this special relationship with God, something that some people refer to as childish or even freaky, but now this will definitely help me.” He is adamant and his purpose clear, so he thinks, “I have to find a way to change so that I am not like this.” That is what he wants to discover. This is his mission and he knows that for this purpose, his catechism is more important than anything else he does.

During the Jul
y holidays, Kevin and Michael practice really hard for the piano competition. The piano piece that Michael has chosen is the Four Hand Sonata in C, by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Mozart composed it when he was nine years old and played it for the first time in London with his sister, Nannerl. It was the first time ever that a piano duet was performed and Mozart the first one ever to write such a piece. Originally, they played it on a harpsichord and not a piano. Kevin thinks it is so cool to play such a piece. It is clear evidence that Mozart was also an explorer, too. He had done something that no one had ever done before,
and
when he was only nine years old! Kevin thinks that Mozart was an absolute genius.

The sonata
is a big challenge for Kevin and he feels it is a bit difficult, but he is not the kind of person who would back down from a challenge. Also, he never wants to disappoint Michael. Everybody knows how good Michael is, so the pressure is more on Kevin, because if they don’t do well, people will most probably think it’s him and not Michael. Both of them practise separately first and then practise together. During the holidays, Kevin practises until his back hurts and he can’t sit anymore. His continuous practising drives his entire family insane! There are regular arguments between him and his brother and sister.

They always practis
e at Michael’s home because he doesn’t have any siblings who can moan and he has a grand piano. Michael always says that it is a boudoir piano. Kevin found it a bit frustrating that when he practised at home, he played his part perfectly, or nearly perfectly, but when he plays with Michael, it is chaos. His feelings for Michael are getting stronger and stronger and sitting next to him for so long makes it really tough to concentrate. Kevin is playing the secundo part, sitting on the left of the piano, while Michael is playing primo on the right. While they are playing, Michael’s arm touches Kevin’s arm and then Kevin gets completely lost!

Kevin so often just wants
to ask Michael if they can have a wank together or just wants to hold him, but thinks it is too risky. Just imagine if Michael takes offence and then they still have to practise together, which would be really awkward. Or even worse, Michael may decide not to do the duet with Kevin anymore because he tried something and the whole world would know. So Kevin decides to do nothing. He can’t wait to get home to finally have a wank before his pants explode. More and more he thinks of Michael while wanking. He wonders what his body is like, how it would feel if he were to touch him, how big his willy is and whether his pubic hair is also blond. Everyone he had wanked with until now had dark hair.

One late afternoon they a
re practising at Michael’s home. Once again Michael’s arm touches Kevin’s and he loses his place and stops playing. “You keep pushing me,” Kevin says and sighs deeply. Kevin hopes Michael doesn’t notice the shaking sound in his breathing. “Does it bother you when I push you?” Michael asks teasingly and pushes him again. “Yes!” Kevin says, annoyed, and pushes him back a bit harder. As he looks at Michael, he finds that Michael is staring at him. Their eyes meet and Michael leans over and, just like that, kisses him. Kevin is stunned and surprised and his heart is pounding and it feels as if the whole top half of his body wants to explode. They are actually kissing, he thinks, and he doesn’t want to stop. And Michael doesn’t want to stop. Kevin puts his arm around Michael as he has always wanted to do and holds him tightly. Michael does the same. Neither of them knows exactly what to do next and for Kevin it feels like an eternity, as if he is in heaven. Eventually, Michael pulls away and says, “Sorry, but I always wanted to do that.”

“You have
?” Kevin asks.

“Yes… You
haven’t?” Michael asks.

“No… I mean yes… I mean there were other things I always wanted
to do with you,” Kevin replies while still shaking.

“Like what?”
Michael asks and smiles. He bites on his lip.

Kevin says,
“Like…” At that moment they hear Michael’s mother coming home from work and Kevin doesn’t continue. He jumps up and makes sure that his T-shirt is over his pants.

“I have to go. I’ll sp
eak to you tomorrow,” Kevin says.

“OK, OK
,” Michael says. “See you tomorrow.”  And after he said that, he kisses his own hand and blows it at Kevin.

Kevin rushes
out. He says “Hi!” then “Bye!” to Michael’s mother and runs out. He runs nearly two blocks and then realizes that he went to Michael with his bicycle. He wants to turn around to get it but then rather walks home. He thinks about what has just happened. He is more than happy, more than blissful, and more excited than he has been ever before. This is much better than anything he ever did with Brendan. He has no words to describe it. He had his first kiss. He had his first kiss from Michael. Michael likes him too. He never thought that was the case.

It i
s getting cold quickly. Vryheid can become very cold in winter, but that doesn’t bother him now. He is walking, almost running, out of excitement and smiling from ear to ear. Michael likes him too. “This is so perfect,” he thinks while replaying the movie of his first kiss from Michael in his mind over and over.

At home, Kevin’s mother says that she does
n’t feel like cooking and that they are going to a restaurant that evening. “Put on something warm so that we can go when your father comes,” she says.

After ordering drinks at the
restaurant, Kevin’s mother says, “I’m so glad to see you so happy! You are so lively and excited, smiling as always. What is going on?” his mother wants to know.

“Yea dude, it freaks me out. It looks like you’re in love. Wha
t’s going on?” his brother asks. “What’s her name?”

Kevin
laughs again in a shy way and he looks down and closes his eyes. “I’m happy because I…” then he pauses. He thinks a bit about what he was about to say and then his face changes to someone who is in deep thought. “I’m happy because I think Michael and I might win the duet part of the competition next month. We’re really good!” He makes an effort to hide his exuberance.

“Hard work is often rewarded and I don’t think t
here is anyone else that practises as much as you do. Good luck with that!” his father says while looking at the menu.

Kevin then also looks at the menu, but he isn’t reading at all. He wants
to share his experience with his family. Everyone he loves is sitting around one table. He feels that he and his family were always so close and it feels as if they hardly know him anymore and there are so many things he doesn’t share with them anymore. He remembers when his brother told his mother about his first kiss and how excited he was. Kevin then thinks: girls, ooh – yuk. Marcus was in grade 8 then, but Kevin is in grade 7 now. How he would love to rub that under his brother’s nose! “Who’s the big guy now?” he would ask him.

When the wa
iter comes around again, he still doesn’t know what he wants, because he is thinking of other stuff. Everyone says what they want and when his father orders a pork schnitzel, he says, “The same, please.” His father doesn’t like it when someone takes too long to make up their mind.

Kevin
is very cheerful, talking non-stop, asking a question and then answering it straight away. He can’t sit still at all, changing his seating position all the time and raising both his hands in the air while talking. “Dude, seriously, what’s her name? I can see you’re in love,” Marcus says again.

“
I’m not,” Kevin says.

“Leave him alone, Marcus. He’ll have the rest
of his life to worry about women. The longer he waits the better. Some men wish they never had any interest in women in the first place!” his father says.

“Hey!” his mother says and slaps him on his arm. His father grins
.

Kevin i
s relieved that his father comes to his rescue. “Marcus can be such a prick sometimes,” he thinks. But is he right? Is he in love? That thought never dawned on him until now. But how does it feel to be in love? Is this it? He wants to ask his parents how you know that you’re in love, but knows if he says another word, Marcus will know for sure. When the food eventually comes, Kevin isn’t hungry. He forces himself to eat, so that no one notices anything strange. Klara asks, “Why are you eating so slowly today? Normally, you are finished before everyone else.” Before he can answer his mother says, “Don’t encourage him. It’s better to eat slower.” Kevin smiles at his sister and for a brief moment he thinks about telling his sister. They already share a secret, but then again, she is too young to understand.

Back at home he tries
to chat to Brendan again, but Brendan doesn’t reply. He is curious about what Brendan would say about his first kiss and wonders if Brendan has kissed someone. He is sure Brendan has. He knows of course that he can tell God all about it and that night tells him everything in detail. He knows that God can keep a secret. He rambles on and on out of excitement.

“I’m so glad you tell me about your happiness. Mostly people only talk to me ab
out their unhappiness,” God says when Kevin is done.

“I’m so happy I can
jump over the moon!” Kevin says. “Do you think I’m in love?

“
That is something else you have to discover. But even your brother could see it. Love is the most beautiful thing and it pleases me whenever I see two people in love. Remember that it takes courage to love,” God says.

“Courage?
It’s the easiest thing ever! There is nothing to fear at all. I can’t wait to see Michael again tomorrow. I wonder what he is thinking now… Has he been telling anyone about this?” Kevin wonders.

God interrupts
his thoughts, “Why didn’t you tell your parents about it? You know you wanted to.”

“Because…
I don’t know,” Kevin says.

“You do know, Kevin!
Why didn’t you? Why don’t you tell your parents what you feel, since it is one of the happiest moments in your life?” God asks him.

“B
ecause they wouldn’t understand,” Kevin says.

“
Wouldn’t understand love? Are you sure?” God asks.

Kevin
keeps quiet. “Courage, Kevin, courage! It takes courage to love. If you want to keep feeling this way, you’ll have to be more courageous,” God says.

“You know why, God!
” Kevin says and runs his hands through his hair. His mood has changed suddenly.

“I do. Remember, just be
with it and you’ll be fine. I’m so glad that you share this with me. You are surely on the road less travelled. Don’t let the obstacles confuse you,” God says.

Kevin i
s glad to hear that he is on the road less travelled; that he is an explorer. He is exploring love and all he thinks about is Michael.