Friends With Extra Benefits (5 page)

Lisa smiled, but just as she opened her mouth,
Victoria yelled out, "Oh my God. It's my elementary school."

Everyone else in the car looked at her like she
was nuts as she squealed wheels into the parking lot and slammed on
the brakes near the playground. The playground featured a large set
of swings capped on both sides with a giant slide and tower
combination.

She turned to Jeff. "When I was in seventh
grade, my first ever boyfriend brought me here one night." Victoria
pointed toward the playground. "I went down on him right up on top
of that slide."

Now this was a complete lie, because a) this was
not Victoria's elementary school; b) she never blew a guy in
seventh grade—it was eighth, but that's not important right now;
and c) this playground equipment was no more than five years old,
and it had been a lot longer than that since Victoria was in
elementary school, although it would be rude to reveal just how
long. Suffice it to say, monkey bars and dodge ball were still
approved activities.

While staring out the window, ostensibly caught
up in the sexy memory, Victoria said, "Yeah, it was over in about
thirty seconds." She shook her head and then glanced to Jeff. "But
I'll bet you can last a lot longer, can't you?"

Jeff swallowed hard.

She didn't wait for a response; instead, she
glanced toward the backseat, beaming. "You guys want to relive a
fond memory?"

Jeff's answer was to quickly open his door and
rush to the playground.

Lisa and Dale shared a quick awkward glance, and
Dale replied, "Uh, okay."

Victoria walked to the playground, slipped into
a swing, and began to swing back and forth. Lisa took the swing
next to her. Rubbing his hands together, Jeff wore a toothy grin
while Dale began warming a bit to the idea as they both stood
quietly waiting, in front of their dates.

Victoria glanced up to the stars a moment before
she looked at Jeff with her eyes bright. "Now, I remember. Here's
how it happened. Billy... um, Billy Clinton... was his name."

Lisa gave her a look. Fortunately, the reference
to the former President was lost on the young lacrosse players.
Sure, they were dumb, but it was partially because blood was
currently leaving their brains and heading to other places where it
was urgently needed.

Victoria shrugged. "Anyway, I was swinging, just
like I am now, and Billy went up the slide by himself."

The guys didn’t make a move. It wasn't until
Victoria gave them a tired look and pointed to their respective
slides that the walking erections took off.

"That's it. Now climb up there," Victoria bossed
as she widened her eyes while giving Lisa a comical look. Lisa
covered her mouth to hold back her laugh just as the guys were
halfway up their ladders.

Once the guys were in position at the top,
Victoria continued, "Billy started throwing his clothes down to me
one piece at a time."

Jeff ripped off his shirt and tossed it down.
Dale stood confused for a moment, and then the lights finally came
on, and he began removing his clothes. He dropped down his shirt,
shorts, shoes, and socks as Jeff did the same.

"Now, I was an innocent young girl back then,
and I didn’t know what the heck Billy was doing. I really
didn't."

Lisa and Victoria stopped swinging and watched
as Jeff and Dale stripped out of their underwear and tossed them to
the ground.

Standing, Victoria gazed up at
Jeff. "This is when Billy told me to come up because he wanted
to
show
me
something."

Jeff stared down at her, wearing nothing but a
smile while stroking his prize.

"So say it," Victoria called up.

"Okay... Uh, I need you to come up here because
I want to show you something."

Victoria grinned as she raised her hands
skyward. "I'll be right up." Lisa gave her an odd look. Victoria
whispered, "Come on." Grabbing Lisa's arm, Victoria led her toward
the back of the playground, where the ladders to the slides met the
ground.

There, Victoria kept hold of her arm and waited
while Lisa persisted in giving her a concerned look. A moment later
a police car sped into the parking lot with lights and sirens
blazing. Victoria pulled Lisa quickly toward a brick building
behind the playground. Paralyzed and completely naked, Jeff and
Dale stood in the center of their respective towers.

As Lisa and Victoria moved behind the building,
they heard officer Williams boom, "Just what the hell are you two
boys doing?"

Williams and his partner, Officer Ryan, rushed
toward the slides. They each shone a flashlight up at the naked men
and then back down at the clothes.

"It seems you boys dropped your clothes."

Jeff said, "Uh, yes sir. We're here with our
dates and we, uh, were just—"

"Dates, huh? I don't see any dates." Williams
quickly shined his flashlight around the playground and then
returned it to Jeff's face. Jeff squinted and attempted to shield
his face from the beam with his hand.

"I don’t see any dates, either. You sure you're
not each other's dates?" Officer Ryan quipped, punctuating his joke
with a chuckle.

Dale chimed in, "Oh, no... They, uh, ran off."
He pointed toward the building. "That way."

"Okay," Williams replied sarcastically.

"And their car is right there," Jeff
pleaded.

"Uh-huh." Williams rolled his eyes. "Why don’t
you boys come down now? If I were you, I'd take the ladder and not
the slide. Wouldn't want anything to get sheered off now, would
we?"

The naked pair carefully made their way down the
ladders and moved to stand in front of the officers with their
hands covering their groins.

"Hands on your heads," Williams said.

Both returned a look that asked, "Really?"

"Get 'em up!" Ryan shot out forcefully.

Jeff and Dale reluctantly obeyed the command.
Williams giggled. "Must be pretty cold out here."

Both officers shone their respective flashlights
on the two frightened and retracted excuses for male reproductive
organs. Ryan broke into a chuckle. "Or maybe that's what scared off
their dates."

Victoria and Lisa held back giggles as they
listened from behind the building.

Looking down at their junk, Dale and Jeff were
visibly embarrassed by their poor showings.

"Mayyybeeee." Williams said,
while he and Ryan shared a quick look as they fought to hold back
their laughter. Williams paused a moment before he shook his head,
put on a serious expression, and loudly said, "Now, do you
little
boys know where
you are?"

"Uh, what?" Jeff replied.

Motioning toward the school, Williams said,
"That, right there, is a school. Did you know that exposing
yourself anywhere near a school, much less on the damn sliding
board on the fucking playground, gives you an automatic membership
to the sex offender's list?"

"No, we just—" Dale stammered.

"Yeah, you don't even get a trial or nothin',"
Ryan yelled out as if he were a hillbilly sheriff.

Jeff began, "Look, officers we were just—"

"Save it." Williams looked at his partner. "Now,
should we let them get dressed before we haul them to the station,
or—"

"I don't know. They'd be pretty popular down
there if—"

"Please, don't arrest us. This is all just a
big—" Jeff interrupted.

"Look, college boy. Just shut up," Williams
began. "I think we should let 'em get dressed. I don’t want their
dirty, naked asses on my seats."

The officers shared a nod. "All right, ladies,
cover up. I've seen enough Vienna sausage for one night."

Dale and Jeff rushed to put on their clothes as
the officers folded their arms, staring at them while wearing
irritated looks. Once fully dressed, the two were handcuffed and
placed in the back of the police car.

Officer Williams let the two idiots sweat in the
back seat as he drove toward downtown Miami. The two officers
shared a giggle as they overheard the frightened whispering from
the backseat of the car.

A few minutes later, they sat at a red light
with the station in view. Williams took a deep breath and glanced
at Ryan. "Shit. We're off in five minutes."

"I don't feel like doing all this paperwork, do
you?"

The boys shared a tentative grin.

Williams said, "Not to mention the body cavity
searches and all that."

Dale and Jeff shared a horrified look.

Williams and Ryan turned to the back seat.
Williams began, "If we let you go with a warning, do you promise
never to pull this kind of crap again?"

"Oh, God, yes! We promise," Jeff said as both
nodded furiously.

Ryan asked, "Where can we drop you?"

In front of the fraternity house, the officers
helped the two still-terrified college athletes out of the car and
removed the handcuffs.

Jeff said, "Thank you, officers."

The officers nodded before climbing in the car.
Williams rolled down his window and called out, "Never mess with
Victoria." As Dale and Jeff looked at him, confused, Williams
added, "Oh, and for God's sake, wash your hands after you take a
piss. What are you, animals?"

Williams sped off, leaving the two drunken
idiots staring at each other in utter bewilderment.

Victoria and Lisa sat in the car outside Lisa's
townhouse and were struggling to contain their laughter. Suddenly
Lisa stopped giggling, put her hand on Victoria's arm, and put on a
serious expression. "Gee, thanks for ruining my night."

"Oh, I'm sorry honey... I know you had—"

"I'm kidding. I really didn't want my first
sexual experience to be with a drunk asshole lacrosse player who is
apparently battling a significant shrinkage problem."

After sharing another chuckle, Victoria said,
"He was cute, though. It's a shame he's such a jerk."

"I know."

Victoria turned to face Lisa and looked her in
the eye. "You know... You're right. Your first time should really
be special. Let's not just find some hard-on with a random idiot
attached to it."

Lisa returned a hopeful nod. "What was your
first time like?"

Victoria paused. "Oh, it was so... I
mean..."

"Tell me. It was probably amazing, right?"

Shaking her head while wearing an uneasy smile,
Victoria began, "It was prom night, and after the dance my
boyfriend booked a room in a hotel. A beautiful room... there were
rose petals, uh, scattered all over the floor and..." Lisa narrowed
her eyes as Victoria continued, "...oh, and he picked me up to
carry me to the bed, where there were also rose petals and—"

"Was his name Billy Clinton, or was it Georgie
Bush?"

After studying Lisa's skeptical expression,
Victoria lifted her palms up in defeat. "Okay, you want the real
story?"

"I do."

"Well, I was a high school senior, and after
school one day I went over to Rodger McCollum's house. His parents
weren't home. We went down to the basement. It was horrible and
awkward as we fumbled around. It was over in less than two minutes.
As soon as he was done, he panicked and threw me out of the house.
Said he was worried that his mother might come home. Oh, and he
made me take the used condom with me. He was sure his mother would
find it or—"

"How awful."

"That's not the worst part."

"What is?"

"I shoved the condom in my purse and forgot
about it. My mother found it stuck inside and I was grounded for
pretty much the rest of senior year."

"Wow."

Victoria stared straight ahead out the window.
"The purse was ruined... there was this big stain and pieces of
rubber... It was a mess."

She glanced over at Lisa as her eyes brightened.
"But I was a young idiot; you have a chance to really make sure
your first time is amazing."

Lisa put her hand on Victoria's arm. "I think
I'll stay a virgin, or just maybe I'll give women a try. I don't
know."

Victoria gave her a sincere smile. "No, don't
give up. There are some decent guys. I'm sure they're out there
somewhere."

Lisa exhaled deeply and took in Victoria's
hopeful expression. "You're probably right, but I think I'm going
to go in and fire up my vibrator. I just bought some new batteries
so—"

"I still think Eric is the man for you. I'm
going to make it happen, I promise."

Lisa rolled her eyes and sighed.

Staring at her with a determined look, Victoria
added, "No, I'm serious... if I need to physically guide his penis
into your vagina, I'll do it."

"Okaaayyyy," Lisa replied with raised eyebrows.
"I appreciate your help." She opened the door and stepped out of
the car.

"Don't use too high a setting with your
mechanical friend there."

"Why?"

"You'll get used to having a motorized penis
inside you. You'll desensitize your vagina so much that no real man
will be able to give you an orgasm."

"Oh, okay," Lisa replied casually.

Victoria watched with a sad frown as Lisa walked
slowly away.

A few days later, Victoria stood in front of
Jillian's house holding a bag. Brian opened the door and smiled at
her.

"Are you ready?" she asked.

He whispered, "I haven't done myself in a few
days. I should be ready to go."

"Congratulations," she said with a sarcastic
grin.

He sneered at her. "I figured that would be a
good thing for this, right?"

"It couldn't hurt." Victoria handed him the bag,
and he took a peek inside. She slipped past him and asked, "Where's
the wife?"

"She'll be right down."

Jillian appeared and smiled at Victoria. "Hey,
there. So where should we go?"

"I don't know. You choose."