Friends With Extra Benefits (40 page)

You would think a guy burdened with the absolute
fucking nightmare of not hitting puberty full on until the second
half of his freshman year at college would be spared hair loss
altogether. Or if there were an ounce of justice in this world,
he’d at least have a full head of hair well into his fifties.
Unfortunately, that was not the case for Tim. The hair started
falling out early, and it was not a good look for him. But his real
problem was, well… the problem was his penis, his slightly to
possibly mildly below average penis. Despite all these issues, he
did actually have a girlfriend and it was his longest relationship
to date. Nearly nine months.

It was Saturday afternoon and Tim was on his way
to the drug store. It was going to be a big night for him and his
girlfriend, Jill. He’d been planning it for a week. He would
prepare her favorite meal of fresh steamed lobster served with a
side of blue cheese pecan chopped salad. This would be the third
time he was making lobster for her, and since times one and two
resulted in amazing sex, he was thoroughly confident that this time
would be no different.

Tim picked up everything he needed for the
perfect evening, including a special bottle of wine and her
favorite peach carnations. He even went to the farmers market to
buy fresh vegetables for the salad. All that he needed now was to
restock his condom supply, a task that filled Tim with dread.

As Tim drove past the billboard of the male
underwear model busting out of his boxer briefs, he scoffed. He’d
driven past it dozens of times on his way to the drug superstore,
and it wasn’t the only reminder of his little problem; the
reminders were all around him. From super-sized ad campaigns to
phallic inspired architecture to penis jokes on television and in
movies to country songs titled “Size Matters,” it was difficult to
believe anything other than size really did matter.

The billboard reminded him of that Kevin Costner
baseball movie, no not
Bull Durham
or
Field of
Dreams
; the other one, the one that flopped at the box office.
Kevin’s full frontal nude scene in
For Love of the Game
was
reportedly deleted after test screenings, where the audience openly
laughed at Kevin’s manhood. They actually openly laughed, as if
everyone in the audience was hung like a freaking horse, or was
sleeping with someone who was hung like a freaking horse. Tim
wondered if it really needed to hang to your knees in order to not
garner a snicker? And at what size does that snicker transform into
jaw-dropping male locker-room jealousy and female awe?

Tim hated the fact that if he looked in the back
of pretty much any magazine, he found ads for male enhancement
products. Even in some women’s magazines. As if anyone needs the
girlfriend or wife saying, “Hey honey, you know that little penis
you have? Well there’s this pill…”

The worst was the spam email. Tim’s company had
this spam blocking software that collected all the suspicious
messages he received and packaged them up into a single email,
which listed all the obscene subject lines. The message normally
contained hundreds of listings, and was delivered every Monday
morning, providing a comical way to kick off an otherwise boring
day. Subjects like:
Make Her Shiver With Your Girth
,
Longer Harder Thicker Naturally Guaranteed, Gain 3 Inches Now,
Power Pack That Tool In Your Pants
, and Tim’s personal
favorite:
Face It, She’s Dreaming Of Something Bigger And We Can
Help
. They can help you all right; help separate you from your
money. Oh, but you could always take advantage of the money back
guarantee - just call customer service and explain how your penis
is still really tiny and ask for a refund. Yeah right. It was a
huge business, with huge promises but absolutely no results. Tim
wondered how they got away with it.

He’d done his research. He was just slightly
below average in length at 5.53 inches. Not 5.5, that would be
selling him short, but exactly 5.53 inches. And he really didn’t
have any issue with the length. Hell, most of the nerve endings
were in the outer third of the uh, well you know, the woman’s
private parts. At least this was what he kept telling himself,
since he was almost sure he remembered reading it somewhere.

The real problem was the girth. At 3.95 inches
around, it was slim by any standard all right - a real pencil dick.
By comparing various surveys, Tim found that 4.75 inches was the
average girth and even that didn’t really do the trick if you
thought about it. As everyone knew, the female vagina could open
itself up wide enough to deliver an entire baby, which is a pretty
incredible and frightening thing. Now that’s not to say you need to
be packing a penis the size of a baby’s head, but there’s a lot of
discrepancy between what the average guy has and what is required
to actually fill that thing up. Would the world stop spinning, Tim
thought, if he were just a little bigger?

Tim often wondered how different his life would
have been if he were huge down there. He’d imagined what some of
his past relationships would have been like if there hadn’t been
what he perceived as a disappointment to the girl he was dating
when it finally came to having sex. Was he imagining it? He didn’t
think so. He wondered how much more confident he would have been
if, when he dropped his pants, he could see mouthwatering awe and
desire in their eyes. He pictured what a look of,
Okay big boy
be careful with that thing
was like as opposed to the
Really, is that it?
look that he was almost sure he had seen
in the past.

But those days were over for Tim when he lucked
out and found a girl who didn’t seem to be so caught up on size.
His girlfriend Jill had a smoking hot little body. She was a bit of
a mystery in that when they had sex, he felt something was just a
little off, just a tiny little bit, but she did always seemed to be
right there with him. She didn’t seem to be fantasizing of
something more. Most of the time, anyway. There were only a few
moments here and there when he wasn’t sure.

When they acquired their first sex toy together,
it wasn’t ridiculously huge or anything. It was certainly bigger
than he was, but not terribly threatening. Later he discovered that
Jill had a separate secret dildo collection and each one seemed to
be bigger than the next. He wasn’t sure if she purchased these big
boys before or after they started dating, and he wasn’t sure if he
really cared. Anyway, they were about to move in together and it
felt right. He was happy; he was almost ninety percent sure. Okay,
maybe eighty-five percent.

End of excerpt -
SHRINKAGE
is available now.