Fervor (4 page)

"Sleep
Suzette, you look plain tuckered out we'll talk whenever you're ready."

As I dropped
off into the sweet abyss my last thoughts were of him, my sweet Gage, my heart.
I cried myself to sleep once more, hoping against hope that when I woke up my
world would be put back together again.

I slept for
quite a while seeing as how I hadn't slept much in the past week. I had been
going on autopilot ever since this shit storm had come down on my head. If only
my fans could see me now, I looked like my on screen character at her worst,
well maybe not as bad but pretty close. I drew Gages' hoodie that I had filched
that last day tighter around me. His scent still lingered faintly and was my
only solace in this world of chaos, what had possessed me to grab it on that
morning when I was making runs is

beyond me. It
was as though some sixth sense had led me to grab it from the chair next to our
bed where he had dropped it so carelessly just earlier that day. I had been
wearing it for the past eight days for comfort, his scent was slowly fading and
I was beginning to panic, when that was gone that would be the last of him I
had left. I started to fold myself back into a ball of despair until I heard
the gruff rumblings of my two older brothers. My heart squeezed in my chest at
the thought of seeing them. I couldn't bear to see the disappointment in their
eyes, I had spoken to mom briefly that first day but as usual she was no help,
her life in New York with her high powered husband kept her too occupied
apparently to deal with her daughter's life falling apart at the seams.

Jonas and
Joshua were two years older at twenty-four and though I knew the twins loved me
I also knew their views on what they called Hollywood's whoredom. They had
warned me time and again about falling into a life of debauchery, which seemed
to be their biggest fear when I had first gone off to be an actress. No one
else from our little town had ever made that trek before as far as I could
tell, but when my local theatre director had spouted off about my potential and
hooked me up with his contacts in the business I had been sucked in. Imagine my
surprise when a year and a half later I met the most amazing boy man who
happened to come from a city not too far away from where I’d grown up. For me
it was love at first sight his crazy bronze tinged hair, jade green eyes and
that smirk grin that melted my insides all came together to knock me off my
feet. The fact that he returned those feelings was my one in a million lottery
win and we'd been together ever since, until a week ago when I had stupidly
thrown it all away. But how had I though? I still didn't understand, my mind
wouldn't let me revisit my perfidy, every time I tried I felt darkness overtake
me and a panic attack coming on. The last few days have been like Dante's seven
levels of hell, and I had visited every last one. The worst part wasn't what
the news media and the tabloids were saying, it was calling Gage and being
ignored first and then calling and being cussed out and hung up on. He had to
know what that would do to me, he knew I could barely stand for him to be a
little put out with me farther more to just cut me off. It leveled me is what
it did, it ended my whole world. For the past three years no matter what was
going on, no matter the ups and downs he was my one constant; in the midst of
any turmoil I would remember that I was going home to him and nothing else
would matter. Now my security was gone, I was an open festering wound with no
salve in sight. Would these tears ever end would I ever be whole again? I
haven't felt whole since my publicist Karen called and told me about those
pictures, right back stage at the awards show, everything had been going so
well that night, in fact that whole day, but with one phone call she had shattered
my existence. I remember my limbs going weak, my head spinning and my body
breaking out in a cold sweat. I had found Gage right away and told him, what,
I'm not quite sure. I just remember pleading with him not to leave me. I
remember also the look on his face and in his beautiful eyes; oh will I ever
forget the devastation I had seen there? He had stayed still until he uttered
those final words that had crushed what was left of the girl I had been. "
Don't come home." Those were the words he had spat at me as he looked at
me as though he could kill me with his bare hands. Those were the last words he
said to me until the last couple days when he would swear at me over the phone.
Gage swore a lot but in all the time we'd been together, no matter how angry I
had made him, he never once called me names. He was my protector my shield from
all those harsh realities that a little small town innocent like me wasn't
ready for. Now he was gone and I didn't know where to begin to pick up the
pieces, I'd even tried calling his family not for their support obviously, but
just for someone to hear my side, but Connie had been so vile I had barely come
away with my heart intact.

How did I go
from America's darling to this? What kind of cosmic joke was at play here?
Maybe I would wake up and this would've all been a dream. I sniffed the last
dregs of Gage's scent from the sleeve of his hoodie as I rocked myself back and
forth on my dad's old worn couch. With no other recourses left to me I did what
I had been doing for the past week, I texted him knowing there would be no
reply, but it was somewhat cathartic for me to do it, in some small way it was
a connection to him. My heart hurt and the tears flowed as I heard my family
heading into the living room where I was hiding. "I love you Bubby, please
forgive me." Send.

The strings of
Gotye's somebody that I use to know alerted me to an incoming text. Two guesses
as to who that was from. It was amazing what you could come up with at three in
the morning when you were feeling pissed off and mean. Bubby. That was her pet
name for me, it was derived from some old world endearment that she had learned
from her grandmother, or at least that's what she’d told me for all I know it
could be Russian for sucker. Angry much Gage? This talking to myself shit was a
fucking hoot but I digress, the family was harping at me about talking to her.
I had finally broken down and told Brian to give James the go ahead to do an in
depth investigation into what the fuck had happened. I knew that fucker would
leave no stone unturned.

It was only
after a long talk with my sister, where she pointed out the incongruity of
Suzette's actions to me that I relented a little. She raised some doubts that I
had had fleetingly but was too pissed to examine. I was waiting for word from
James before I made a move; already I knew she was home in the next town over
with her father a short one-hour drive away. Knowing she was that close brought
me comfort and that pissed me the fuck off too, why should I care that she was
here where I could get to her without the specter of the asshole paparazzi
lingering behind every bush waiting to ambush us? Because if there was one
thing I knew it was that Captain Steve Sorenson would never allow those fucks
in his town, especially not if they were there to hound his beloved daughter.

Bubby, I was
her Bubby and she was my butterfly. Suzette had convinced herself that she
wasn't the beauty that me and the rest of the world perceived. She'd told me
about her life growing up in the small town where she had been the shy book
nerd who didn't shine until she was on a stage. She was the clumsiest person I
knew, the girl could trip over her own feet, but put her up on a stage or in
front of a camera and she broke out of her cocoon and shone like the brightest
star. "Please forgive me."

I think those
words were what drove me over the edge, why would she need forgiveness if
nothing happened? This wasn't wild speculation from the tabs, these were her
own words sent to me privately again and again.

My stomach
rolled again as I envisioned the pictures of him standing behind her, her small
frame enclosed in his arms. As long as I live I will never be able to erase
that shit from my mind. I felt anger building once again as I fought to hold
onto my sanity once more. Being here was helping though I could already feel
it. With my family hammering away at me and having other people's opinions
circulating in my head instead of just my own fuckery went a long way to easing
some of the pain that had had a choke hold on me for the last little while.

I looked at her
text one last time before deleting I wasn't ready yet. I happened to hear a
snippet of an entertainment news broadcast as I was heading downstairs, of course
yours truly was the topic of conversation, who the fuck was on this time of
day? Fuck my life.

Jonas and
Joshua sat on either side of me on the couch. Neither said anything just stared
as though waiting for something. I turned to Joshua the oldest by all of three
minutes but who played the big brother to the hilt.

"Joshua..."
I broke.

"Sssssh,
baby sis it's gonna be okay, hush now." When he enfolded me in his strong
arms I felt the first real relief I'd felt in a long long time. They weren't
the arms I needed but I would take this little bit of comfort for myself.

I wondered
fleetingly how anyone overcame this pain, it felt as though it consumed every
part of me, my very pores felt saturated with pain, I breathed in pain and kept
it inside.

"Dad says
you're not ready to talk but we just wanted you to know we're here for
you."

I felt the
comfort of Jonas's hand as he rubbed my lower back. The feeling of love and
acceptance helped to keep the storm at bay.

"That's
right sis, we're here if you need us."

I could hear
the anger in Jonas's voice always the more volatile of the two I didn't know if
that anger was directed at me or the situation in general, and quite honestly I
was in no frame of mind to find out.

"Have you
spoken to Gage?"

Oh dad; my
chest concaved as I bawled even louder.

"I guess
not."
 
That was his cryptic answer.

"Breathe
Suzette, come on now, breathe for me."

I was a ball of
agony in my brother's lap. The pain of my heart too overpowering for my five
two frame to bear.

"Enough of
this shit, I'm calling Maddox and straightening this shit out."

"Jonas..."

" To hell
with that dad, they were together for almost four years and he just tossed her
aside like garbage because of this? He of all people should know how shit like
this can be manufactured, everyone knows all about how shit can be doctored to
look like something it's not."

"Son we
don't know that it's not real Suzette hasn't said anything yet."

"I don't
care, that's not my little sister my sister would never do such a fucked up
thing."

"Language
boy..."

I wailed so
loud I thought the rafters would fall on us. I knew I didn't deserve his faith
in me one more person betrayed by me.

How had I
become this person? When did I lose myself and not even know it? Please let me
die, I want to die, I can't do this anymore, no more, please no more. There was
a flurry of movement all around me as the men in my family fought to calm my
severe panic attack.

"Suzie
please calm down please." My father held me in his arms having snatched me
from Joshua's in fear. He rocked me back and forth like a child; I don't
remember him doing that since I was about five. He alternated playing with my
hair and rubbing my back to soothe me. Too bad only one thing could do that and
he was cut off from me, maybe forever.

I was laying
around having a lazy day thinking about all the shit I had been avoiding since
my life went to crapdom. In the beginning just the thought of facing people
made me sick, things weren't much better but at least I was entertaining the
notion of going to my premier. The first one was about three weeks away, maybe
by then someone would've found my balls and returned them to me. I wasn't
afraid to face the public, I just didn't want to answer any stupid fucking
questions about how the fuck I was feeling. What the fuck? How do you think I
feel? You have pictures all over the world of my girl in a car getting hot and
heavy with some fucktard, not to mention the speculation about whether or not
they fucked. I promise, the first motherfucker that asked me this shit was
getting run the fuck over. Bloodsucking fucks had had enough of me to last me a
lifetime.

I could give
fuckall about the public's right to know. No one needed to know how much this
shit was making me bleed but me.

If I didn't calm
down I was going to give myself a coronary. Wouldn't that just be fucking A
perfect?

I rubbed my
face in frustration not sure what the fuck should be my next move when my mom
came through the door to my sitting room.

Each of us kids
had our own private suite in this monstrosity. My floor held a studio where I
kept the baby grand I'd had since childhood. A kickass master suite complete
with a walk in closet fit for a Prima Dona, just saying. The whole thing was
done in blues and greens in varying shades.

" Hello
son."

 
She patted my leg as she sat next to me on my
lounger.