Fervor (10 page)

She covered her
mouth with her hands but the cry of agony still escaped.

"Yes Suzette
you are Hollywood's slut of the week now you can be in a lineup with all those
reality stars and heiresses in the news for whom you held such fucking disdain,
funny thing is I don't remember any of them doing something as fucked up as you
did, you fucking disgust me." I was done with this shit, fuck, I can't do
this, I thought I could but I can't I don't know how, it would take a better
man than me. I turned to head back to the house until an ear piercing scream
stopped me in my tracks.

As I turned I
saw a sight that left me cold, Suzette was pulling her hair with one hand, the
other holding her chest as if to keep something in and the screaming was never
ending. I reached for her as she crumbled to the ground in a crumpled heap. In
her eyes was death my butterfly was gone. Back into her fucking head. Well fuck
me sideways with a crowbar, what was I suppose to do now?

I ran back to
the house as quickly as I could with her cradled in my arms, that awful
screaming in my head. This is exactly what I didn't want. I couldn't bear to
see her like this so broken, lost. It was tearing a fucking hole in my heart.

My dad must've
heard her from inside because he met us at the door.

"What
happened son is she hurt?" He eyed her as if looking for any visible injuries.

"Not
physically no." I felt ashamed of myself, I had done this to her.
 
Me the man who was suppose to love her above
all else to put her first. Was my love so shallow that I could do this? Did it
really die on the side of that street in LA? Who am I, what am I?

"What
happened Gage?"

He tried taking
her from me but I wouldn't let him I just kept walking to the room.

"We were
talking I was talking, I yelled at her, said some pretty harsh stuff. I went to
walk away and she just crumbled to the ground screaming, the most awful fucking
sound I've ever heard."

She just kept
breaking my fucking heart didn't she? Now the screaming was over only to be
replaced by groaning. She moaned as she rocked herself back and forth in my
arms. I finally laid her on the bed so dad could tend to her.

He started with
the pulse shit and all that other fuckery I didn't have the first clue about.

What I did
understand was the look on his face, he was not happy. Whatever join the
fucking club. What did everyone want from me anyway?

I had hardly
seen anyone since the meeting with James, which was fine by me. I wondered
where the rest of them were now, if they'd heard her? But no one came to
investigate.

I wanted her to
stop making that noise I don't think human beings are supposed to sound like
that. It was scaring the piss out of me.

"Come on
Suzette please stop it." I climbed up on the bed and pulled her into me,
trying for some reason to synchronize our breathing. I don't know what the fuck
that was suppose to do but it seemed like a hell of an idea to me. Her heart
was beating so fucking fast it reminded me of a humming bird's wings. Fast and
furious.

"Please
babe, please, please, please." I was fucking pleading, anything to make
her stop, to bring her back from wherever the fuck she'd gone.

Dad injected
her with something lucky for him I didn't see him or I would've laid his ass
out my girl hates needles.

It was a long
five minutes before the sedative kicked in and she calmed the fuck down. I
couldn't stop kissing her forehead, and found myself humming her lullaby, the
one I'd made up for her so long ago.

After my dad
left locking the door behind him I held her close to my heart.

Obviously I
needed to change my game plan, first things first, I needed to make a decision
and quick unless I wanted this girl to completely lose her fucking mind. I had
to decide whether or not I could forgive her if I could live with her again,
put this whole fucking nightmare behind me and move the fuck on. My heart
already knew what it wanted, but my head is hard as fuck.

I drew her even
closer trying to give her my strength somehow still hearing that cry ringing in
my ears. I pulled back, looking down at her beautiful face and broke the fuck
down.

I cried for
her, for me, for us, for what we had, what we'd lost, what could never be
again, because no matter what the future held we would never be what we once
were. I cried most of all for that. The end of something beyond wonderful.

"Gage."

I knew she
wasn't awake since I'd been staring at her for the last few minutes, once again
she was calling for me in her fucking sleep.

"I'm here
sweetheart, I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."

I awakened with
her still in my arms with my first indrawn breath I tasted renewal. I now realized
that I had been fooling myself all this time. I told myself I was tough, I had
to be hard, that I didn't care what others thought, but the truth as it turns
out is quite the opposite. I have been going on what others think; my manly
pride and bruised ego had taken a hit.

I guess it took
seeing my woman crumble like Siamese ash to bring me back to my fucking senses.
I haven't the first fucking clue as to how to go about making us whole again,
but I knew I was willing to try. I'm sure shit was going to be fucked up for a
while yet, I'm a grudge holding motherfucker and though I'd shielded butterfly
from the worst part of me I didn't think that was going to be possible any
longer.

I promised
myself while laying there that I would take dad's advice to heart, if I said
the words I forgive you to her, then I would never hold this against her again.
That meant I had to work on that forgiveness shit. Because let's face it it's
going to take some time. I had a whole lot to think about now, not the least of
which was what to do with that fuck Terry Poole.

I should just
pay James to off him but I didn't want that shit on my conscience, plus the
whole world was probably watching to see what I was going to do to his punk
ass. It seemed like such a long time since that meeting, days instead of just a
few hours, but so much had happened in the mean time. It had been one long ass
motherfucker of a day.

My girl was
clinging onto me in her sleep the way she usually did, her breathing finally
evened out thank fuck. I wondered how those two fucks didn't send her over the
edge with their lies with the way she was acting now; I wondered what was the
best thing to do for her now. I'm sure for anyone else therapy would be an
ideal, but fuck if I was going to some asshole to tell me his opinion on what
the fuck I should do with my life, go live your own and leave mine the fuck
alone is what I say, but that's just me. One thing was for sure we needed some
serious motherfucking help. Fuck if I knew where to find it. Oh well, I'll think
about it when I wake up, my ass was tired.

Something felt
different there was, I don't know something settling. Until I remembered our
walk. Panic threatened to consume me and I struggled my way out of sleep with a
whimper.

"Sssh,
I've got you, it's okay."

Gage, he was
here, he hadn't left me, what had happened? Last thing I remember was him
walking away from me and the searing pain that ripped through my body not just
my heart, my whole being seemed to quake.

Was I dreaming?
Was this a dream? If it is please don't let me wake up, it felt so good to be
in his arms again. I felt warm tears fill my eyes. I missed him so much, missed
us so much, how do I get us back? I knew I had a fight on my hands if only I
knew where to begin.

"Please,
please, please."

"Please
what butterfly?" She started as if surprised she'd spoken out loud. I was
looking down at her when she raised her tear filled eyes to me. Without thought
I kissed her drenched eyes with trembling lips.

Her body shook
and I thought she was having another one of those fucking attacks but she was
just taking a deep breath.

I lifted her
hand to my lips and for the first time noticed how dirty they were. Looks like
my girl needed a bath.

I made to pull
away but she grabbed on to me for dear life.

"I'm not
leaving you Suzette I'm just going to run you a bath." I had to unclasp
her hands from my shirt her hold was so tight.

Going into the
en suite I ran the water as hot as she could stand it while scouring the
cabinets for girly smelling shit. Not for nothing but my girl really needed a
bath, and that hoodie needed to be cleaned yesterday. It kind of made me smile
to know that she needed that little piece of me. Bitch Ass.

When the water
was ready I went back to get her, she was laying in the same position. Poor
thing didn't seem to be in any condition to do shit, so I undressed her myself
without a peep from her. Well damn butterfly, had you eaten anything in the
last week? Shit maybe dad ought to have a look at her, this couldn't be
healthy, I could damn near count every bone in her body. What the fuck had she
done to herself? No lie, I wanted to cry like a little bitch, just saying.

My girl was
fucking skin and bones it was one thing to feel the weight loss through the
bulky hoodie and sweats, but quite another to see it up close and personal, I
was going to have to work on her body and her mind. Fuck how was I gonna do
this shit? Well first things first a bath.

I picked her up
and carried her into the bathroom laying her gently in the tub. She sunk like a
lodestone, no strength whatsoever I didn't even stop to think, just shed my own
clothes and got in behind her. I washed her body first saving her hair for
last. All this time she hasn't said a word and her body is still somewhat
tense, so I did the one thing I knew would soothe her. I sang; the words of
Kenny Rogers through the years fell from my lips as I washed her.

I am officially
the sappiest motherfucker on the planet but at least my girl had life in her
eyes again.

We stayed in
the tub for a long long time, I think I emptied and refilled it three times. I
washed her hair before making her stand in the shower to rinse, she was still
so weak I had to prop her against my chest to hold her up while I took care of
her. I hadn't quite thought this shit through because neither of us had any
clean clothes, and whereas I could jump back in my cargo pants, her clothes
were another story.

I found a robe
for her and without stopping to think too much about it took her up the stairs to
my private rooms. If we were going to do this we were going to need all the
alone time we could get. I was sure my family was just being polite by leaving
us alone for now but fuck knows how long that shit would last.

After sitting
her on the lounger I sent off a rapid text to Tiffany asking her to get Suzette
some stuff, she would know what to get, she'd dragged poor butterfly off
shopping against her will more times than I can count. My sister is a
clotheshorse just saying.

I needed to go
see about some food but didn't want to leave her so I did the next best thing.

"Hey mom,
could you do us a favor?"

"Gage when
did you leave the house?"

"I didn't
mom we're upstairs, I just don't want to leave Suzette right now, can you bring
us up some food?" I looked over to make sure she was okay. She was picking
at the edge of the robe with a far away look on her face. At least her fucking
color was up a little.

"Gotcha
son, I'll get right on it, soup and sandwiches okay?"

"Yeah that
sounds good, thanks mom, love you."

"I love
you too son." We hung up and I went back over to butterfly.

"Suzette,
babe can you look at me?" She looked at me warily as if expecting me to
knock her down or some shit, I hated the fuck out of that, I was supposed to be
the protector not the thing she feared.

"Babe,
we're going to have to talk about this... no don't tense up just hear me
out." I had to think really hard about what I wanted to say I couldn't
afford another fuck up.

"I've made
a decision, but I want you to know that in order for us to get past this we're
gonna need to talk about it, there's no other way. We need to be as honest with
each other as possible, that's the only way this is gonna work, and you have to
understand that I'm gonna get angry, it's only natural. Put yourself in my
place, how would you react?"

"Are you
going to leave me?"

I took a deep
breath and released, this was probably the most important decision of my
fucking life.

"No, I'm
not leaving you." Fuck that felt great.

She seemed to
relax after I told her I wasn't leaving. I have to admit it took a load off my
mind as well. I'd been stressing like a motherfucker over this decision for
damn near two weeks and when it came down to it, it was just a matter of
admitting it out loud. I loved her still I wish none of this had happened, I
wish our lives had played out the way I'd always dreamt, but this is the hand
we’d been dealt.