Exposed: Book One of The Love Seekers Series (32 page)

I didn’t get embarrassed or flustered. I used my napkin to clear it and then asked, “Is it gone?”

“Yeah, you got it.”

“Thanks. So why did you get into graphic design and then personal training?” I questioned, curious about his choices in life.

Shrugging, he started to tell me, but our food arrived before he could. After the waitress left, he explained, “Actually, I became a personal trainer first. A new gym opened up and they were hiring when I was in college. So I applied and got the job of entering in new people and cleaning up the gym. Glamorous, let me tell you.” He rolled his eyes and I giggled. “So, after about six months, one of the trainers asked if I would be interested. I said yes. He helped me get me ready for the exam, and the rest is history. I liked it too much to completely give it up, but there isn’t a whole lot of money in it. Some make good money, but most don’t. Plus, I went to school for computer science. I love designing things and can do anything from creating pamphlets to building an interactive website. I’ve already created a few games. I love doing that shit.”

“That’s cool. So you’ve always known what you wanted to do?”

“No, not at all. Computers always came easy for me, but when I got into high school, my computer science teacher showed me what they could really do. Since then, I became hooked. What about you?”

“I majored in psychology.”

“So you like to shrink people, or whatever they call it?” Chad asked, leaning backwards away from me, as if he wanted to put a little more space between us.

I laughed. “I can. I have a Master’s degree in it, but no. I actually worked for a corporation in their marketing and training department. A psych degree can be used for a lot of different things.”

“I see.”

“Don’t sound so afraid. I’m not going to psychoanalyze you.”

We ate the rest of our meal participating in only small talk, as two friends would. Maybe it was because I had made up my mind about this date and my reason for going on it before he picked me up, but I realized something by the end of it. No spark existed between us. Some would have told me that the spark would develop over time, however, I didn’t agree. I wanted more, and I was certain Chad felt the same.

That old adage came back to haunt me.
’It’s not you, it’s me.’
It really was me this time. I had a great time at dinner. We laughed, joked, talked, and enjoyed each other’s company, however, nothing else existed between us. In the end, Chad was only meant to be a friend.

I dreaded telling him that when he dropped me off, but as it turned out, I shouldn’t have worried so much. Like any gentleman would do, he walked me to the door, and after I unlocked it, he leaned down and kissed my cheek. “I had fun, and we should definitely do it again sometime, but…” He looked as if he could not find the right words to use. Then he blurted, “As friends?”

Exhaling in relief, I nodded. “Yes. Sorry.”

“No, it’s not your fault. I want someone who will—”

“Put up with your bullshit?” I inserted with a snicker.

Throwing back his head, he guffawed loudly before saying, “Something like that.”

“Thanks for dinner, though. It felt good to be able to get out of the house.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine what you have to deal with, but any time you need a break, call me.”

“I will.” I smiled softly.

Chad gave me one last kiss on the cheek before I stumbled into my apartment, closing the door on a good night.

I briefly wondered if Bryan had responded to my message earlier, or if he might possibly be online; however, I discovered neither were true. In the pit of my stomach, a bad feeling formed. Had I lost a friend tonight? My heart cried
‘no,’
but my gut disagreed. If he disappeared out of my life, a small part of myself left with him.

Chapter 32

Bryan

I read and reread Emma’s message, and had to tamp down the urge to throw both my phone and computer at the wall. They mocked me. Even though I warned her against it, she chose to go out with Chad? Why him? Sure he had a sister with MS, but that didn’t make him a fucking expert on her situation. It didn’t give him a Ph.D. or anything of that nature. Maybe it did give him a smidge more empathy. So? Who cared about that in the long run? A relationship depended on much more than that.

My eyes drifted to clock sitting on my nightstand. 7:59 P.M. That made it 11:59 P.M. in South Carolina. Were they still out on their date? Were they still together? Had he convinced her to go back to his place? Or maybe she invited him back to hers. I was driving myself crazy with all of these questions and speculations, which only hurt me.

But more than that, they plagued me. I trolled FaceSpace all night, waiting for an update, a sliver of news, however, neither had updated their statuses at all. Not about the date. Not even a check in. Who didn’t check in nowadays? I felt desperate for information.

Was it unreasonable? Maybe a little, but the thought of her with him felt like a punch to the gut. I wanted to rip his head off. I didn’t care if he and I had been friends for years. I didn’t care that in comparison, I had only known Emma a fraction of the time. I wanted him away from her.

I…

I cared about her. That didn’t sound sufficient enough.

I…

I liked her. I did, but my feelings for her surpassed that simple word.

Fuck me. No, it couldn’t have happened. Not to me. I just…how the hell had this happened?

I loved her. I had fallen for Emma Taylor, and I didn’t know how the fuck it happened to me. We talked online, not in person–except recently. And when I pictured the person I might eventually settle down with, my mind conjured someone who looked more like J. Lo or Jennifer Aniston; maybe even Danica Patrick. Not that Emma wasn’t pretty, she was, but I never imagined someone like her. Yet, now that I admitted my feelings, I saw no one except her in my future.

In the past, women who were more self-assured, lighter hair (Danica may not fit that part of the mold, but the woman could set fire to any man in a five-mile radius), and active. I knew Emma’s activity level, or lack thereof, couldn’t be blamed on her. If anything, I applauded her because she did what she could. During those few moments I thought about settling down, I never pictured myself falling for someone…well, someone sick. Again, not her fault. But who, even in their weirdest dreams, would imagine themselves falling for the girl that used a walker or cane, who had a disease that affected her life to the point she had to give up so many things she enjoyed? Who? Not a single fucking person in the whole damn world as far as I knew.

Why her?

One night out of the blue, she accidentally pinged me on FaceSpace messenger when she thought she pinged her best friend. On a whim, I talked to her, and because I found myself bored at the time, I decided to help her. Falling for her was never supposed to be in the cards. I honestly didn’t want to fall for her. And yet, the mere thought of her with anyone else, tortured me, causing my soul to burn with jealousy

Now, since I was an asshole of the highest degree, and blind, she decided to go out on a date with a man who would probably hit on the Queen of England for the hell of it. Hell! He probably fucked his way around South Carolina and slipped his dick into at least half the female population in the state!

My hands slammed into my hair, pulling until the pain overshadowed my anger. Why the fuck didn’t I just admit my feelings sooner? Then maybe she would… No, she wouldn’t be out with me since we live on two different ends of the country…for now.

When I reported to the base today, my commanding officer gave me the good news. I would be transferred to the naval base in Charleston in three months. I knew my orders were coming up, and I had selected three different places to go, however, although I had picked Charleston, I did not think I would get it. My luck hardly ever worked that way. Was Fate trying to tell me something? Three months.

One of the excuses I kept using to convince myself it would never work out between Emma and I had disappeared, completely blown out of the water. Same side of the country. Same city. I had no reason to stay away from her any longer.

I didn’t want to wait that long to talk to her. In three months, she and Chad could be engaged, but this discussion needed to happen in person. FaceSpace seemed wrong and inadequate for such a discussion. Mel’s wedding was wedding was in a month. Was a month too long? Could it wait when Chad would wine and dine her, when he would have a month alone with her? Would I lose her if I waited?

Emma brought out something deep within me that I’d never felt before. Hell, she even had me doing things for her, I never would have thought of doing before. Like skydiving. I took her the sole purpose of seeing her smile. Truth be told, I never did anything special for any girl I dated without ulterior motives. If I did something nice for a girl in the past, I expected sex. Maybe that made me as much of an asshole as Chad.

My life changed after Emma. I wanted to talk to her more so than anyone else in my life. As soon as my shift finished, I turned on my phone and pulled up my messenger app. Whenever I saw a message waiting for me from her—only her—a smile instantly appeared on my face and I felt lighter. When nothing awaited me, irritation swept through me. No one has ever held that much power over me.              

Maybe I should’ve recognized the signs earlier, but in my defense, I’d never been in love before. I had an overwhelming desire to protect her, make here smile, argue with her, and simply be there for her.

Even if I had not realized it before, I should’ve understood what was happening the day we went skydiving. She calmed me. With everything I had to deal with in regards to my family, I wanted to jump as much as her. As usual, the adrenaline rush consumed me, but underneath it all, the stress of my family, the worry and anxiety, melted away. With her body pressed against mine, she settled me and gave me peace. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was home and I didn’t want to let go of that feeling.

And then when we landed, my dick decided to take charge, and the more she wiggled, the worse it got. In my embarrassment and fear, I pushed her away. I’d been physical with women before, however, my reaction to her had my dick harder faster than any woman from my past. Hell, the first day I showed up unannounced, I had to adjust myself twice when she wasn’t looking because my cock was hard and painful. I hadn’t done anything that day, and neither had she. Her presence coaxed that kind of reaction from me.

But it wasn’t only that. Emma made me laugh more than any other girl I’d ever met. She held the power to soothe me and make me feel comfortable; and before I realized what I was doing, I found myself confiding in her, telling her things I dared not spill to anyone else. Not even my family knew some of the things I shared with Emma. And up until recently, our whole relationship only existed on the computer. If she ever interrogated me in person, her brown eyes boring into me, I might confess top secret government secrets. Hell, I would probably admit to things I’d never even done. Captain America underwear and Mel came to mind. I shuddered thinking about it. Then again, with my luck, Mel had already shared that story with Emma.

I missed her. I missed Emma. The two days I spent with her, despite the argument, were the two best days of my trip, and it had everything to do with her. My chest ached and bled. If this was love, it both sucked and felt glorious.

My fingers wanted to message her, but I didn’t think I could handle hearing about her budding love life with Chad. Chad and not me, because I had been an ass and let her go. I kept telling her that she wasn’t my type. I lied. She had burrowed her way inside me like an insect, changing my conception of the ideal woman. With a few messages, nothing more than a few typed words on the computer, I wanted to right the injustices of the world for her. I wanted to demand everyone give her a chance so they could see her the way I saw her. I wanted everyone to love her, as I loved her. 

And Chad took her out. He had been brave enough to ask her for a date. Although he was my friend, I loathed him. Thinking about Emma and Chad together made me want to throw something, to punch someone. No, not someone. The only person I had the urge to punch was Chad. Growling deep in my chest with frustration, I paced my room. When that didn’t work, I picked up the TV remote and threw it across the room with such force, it exploded into thousands of pieces. Okay, probably only hundreds…actually, less than twenty.

Evan burst into the room, throwing the door open hard enough that it banged against the wall and got stuck when the door knob pushing though the plaster. I’d warned Evan that he needed those door stop springs, or something like that might happen, but he’d ignored me.

He looked freaked out, his chest rising and falling quickly as he panted. Why was he panting if he had only been in the living room munching on a giant bowl of popcorn? His ranch styled house had a single floor layout, he shouldn’t be out of breath running from the living room to my room.

“What?” I demanded.

“What the fuck is going on in here? Are you okay?” he bellowed, his voice a little higher pitched than normal from panicking. Hard to believe he was ex-Army and taught kids how to defend themselves for a living. His eyes darted around the room, and when he saw my remote, he asked, “What the fuck happened?”

“Awe, you care. That’s so sweet.” I blew him a kiss.

“You wish, asshole. Now, you want to tell me why there’s plastic, batteries, and other shit all over the floor, or why the wall resembles a mortar hit?”

“You’re one to talk. You made a hole in the wall with the door.”

I guess he hadn’t realized the consequences of his sudden entrance. He spun around and released a frustrated curse, “Damn it all to hell!” Glaring at me over his shoulder, he practically snarled when he said, “I don’t know what the fuck your problem is, but if you won’t tell me, why don’t you get online with your girlfriend and message her. By the way, this is your fault too.”

His comment hit too close to home.

He turned around slowly, a frown wrinkling his forehead as he studied me. “What is it? Why do you look like you want to rip my head off for kicking a puppy? Did you piss her off? Did you do something to her when you were on leave?” He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting for an answer. I knew he would not leave until I gave him some sort of explanation. His frown disappeared as his expression turned menacing. “What the fuck did you do to her?”

This would have been funny if I felt less anxious about the Chad/Emma situation. And considering Evan had never met Emma before, I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or pat him on the back for defending her. Maybe if I punched him in the gut for mentioning Emma, I wouldn’t feel so out of control.

“Seriously. WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?” he growled, his tone low and measured as he annunciated each word.

“Nothing!” I shouted, fighting the urge to wrap my hand around his neck and squeeze.

“Really? Because it doesn’t look like nothing to me. You want to tell me what the fuck your problem is?”

I stood there blinking, breathing heavily. I sounded more like an animal than a man. Closing my eyes, I counted to ten…three times. When I believed I regained some semblance of control over my emotions I clenched my jaw tight, and spoke, “It’s really none of your goddamn business.”

“That’s how you want to play this? If I need to, I’ll find her on FaceSpace and message her myself. I’ll tell her how much of a dick you’re being.”

“She’s out with Chad!”

A knowing smirk appeared on his face, and once again the urge to punch him came to a boiling point, but it was his words that made me want to kill him more than I’ve ever wanted to before. “Jealous much? Weren’t you the person who kept claiming she’s not your type? You said you only wanted to help her find someone, and now that she has, you can’t stand it. Hell, it’s one of your friends and you already wish they would break up. Maybe you should pull your head out of your ass and realize why.”

“I know why,” I yelled. Dropping to my bed, I buried my face in my hands and breathed deeply. “I know why. It’s because I love her.”

“It’s about time you admitted it.”

I snorted with disdain, lifting my head to gawk at him. “You act like you already knew.”

“I kind of figured it out when you were so adamant about convincing me how great she is even if she has to use a walker and shit.” His smirk grew.

“I’m only realizing this shit now, so how do you figure I’ve been in love with her since then?”

“Actually, I think you’ve been interested in her for a while. You came back from visiting your family last year, and told me all about her. You kept saying that she’s pretty, not gorgeous, but pretty. Then said she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Your ass went on and on about how loyal she is to Mel because she was having a bad day and still came out for karaoke because it was Mel’s engagement party.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did. You talked about Mel, Luke, your family, and then the only other person you mentioned by name was Emma.  When she sent you a friend request, you were so surprised that you mentioned it to me. It was just a friend request on FaceSpace. You have 500 friends on that thing. Why did this one matter to you? So yeah, I think you’ve had feelings for her longer than you realize.”