Exposed: Book One of The Love Seekers Series (30 page)

              “What? No.” She paused, and her face started to turn ten different shades of red. Dropping her menu onto the table, she wrung her hands together in her lap, and looked down unable to hold my gaze any longer. “Really? Now I feel kind of bad for throwing it away. I mean he was a little pushy and everything, but I didn’t mean to lead him on. I don’t want him to think that—”

              I could see her panic grow as she continued to talk. Reaching over, I grabbed her hand in order to stop her rambling. “Just be flattered. That’s all you have to do.”

              “But maybe I should go back and tell him—”

              “You don’t have to tell him anything.” Guys like him, he would have a new interest by the end of the day–tomorrow at the latest–but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that.

              “But…I mean, when I like someone and they aren’t interested, I like them to be upfront.”

              Her heart was a little too generous, but it made her sweetly unique. “Trust me when I say, it will be fine. Although, I think we need to work on your obliviousness.”

              “I’m not oblivious,” she snapped.

              “If you didn’t pick up on
his
flirting, you’re oblivious.”

              “Am not.” She pouted. When our waitress left with our orders, she leaned back in her chair, crossed her arms over her chest, and repeated, “I am not oblivious.”

              “Keep telling yourself that, honey.” I smirked and gave her a wink.

              She laughed.

              I hesitantly questioned her, “Has Chad called you?”

“Not that I know of, but now that you mention it, I got a call right before you knocked on my door. I never checked to see who called though after it ended up on the floor.”

“How did your phone end up on the floor?”

“I threw it.”

“You…Why did you throw it?”

She squirmed in her seat before finally mumbling softly, “It might have scared me.”

To me, her answer sounded like one of those adults on the Peanuts cartoons. “What?”

Huffing, she barked, “It scared me. Okay?” We had moved up the evolutionary chain. Now she sounded like a teenager was in the middle of throwing a hissy fit because she didn’t get her way.

“Scared you?” I bit the inside of my cheek so that I would not laugh, but my amused smile still appeared.

“I was staring at it trying to decide if I should call someone or not, and then it rang and surprised me and flew into the air.”

“I see.”

I saw her digging into her purse for her phone, and when she finally withdrew the small piece of technology, she swiped her finger across the screen. “Oh, it was Chad.”

Hearing her say that, I had to fight the urge to grab her phone and throw it to the ground myself this time. But I wouldn’t have stopped there. I would’ve jumped on it, breaking the damn thing into a thousand pieces.

Apparently missing the growing ball of animosity sitting across from her, she murmured, “I wonder what he wanted. Do you know why he called?”

“Em, there are some things you need to know about Chad.”

“Oh? Like what?”

“He’s a player. Always has been, and I bet he always will be. While it might be true that his last girlfriend broke up with him, normally he is the one to do the dumping. In fact, he had been trying to find a way to break up with her, but she managed to do the deed first. He’s not a complete asshole to do it over the phone, text, or email, and she had been…somewhere with the Marines.”

“Okay…” Those two syllables sounded more like four or five.

I pressed on ahead because she had to know. “He’s always been a douche and always considered the girls he’s dated play things.”

“And you’re telling me all this because?”

With the arrival of our food, I took a deep breath, trying to give myself time to figure out the right words, but after the waitress walked away, I blurted, “If he asks you out, say no.” Our eyes locked together, and I refused to drop my stare even if I wanted to, even if I began to feel uncomfortable. She had to understand how serious the situation was.

She sat there for a couple of minutes, taking a few bites of her food before she finally demanded, “Why should I?”

“Why? Didn’t I just tell you about him background?”

“People can change.”

I should have known she would try to defend him. Fuck that shit! “You’re asking a mutt to become a show dog overnight.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Look, I know him better than you do. You’ve been exposed to him for a couple of house. I’ve known him for years.”

“Has he said he planned on asking me out?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Is there an echo in here?”

“Could be.”

“Why are you so pissed off? You’ve asked for my advice. That’s all I’m doing here, giving you my advice. He’s bad news and you should stay away from him.” It took all my willpower to remain calm when I really wanted to shout at her to pull her head out of her ass and listen to me.

“What if he’s like that because he hasn’t found the right person?”

My anger and irritation rose even higher. “You really think you’re the right person for him?”

“Are you saying I can’t be?”

“Yes. Yes I am.” I threw my napkin onto the table and slammed my fist down, making everything clang from the force.

She sucked in her breath and tears pooled in her eyes. After replaying our verbal tennis match over in my head, I leaned my head back and stared up at the ceiling and expelled a deep breath with a hiss. “Em, I didn’t mean—”

Before I could say anything else, she interrupted. “No, I get it. It’s easier to talk the talk than it is to walk the walk.”

I lifted my head and gaped at her. “What the fuck does that shit mean?”

“It means, you can say I’m worthy to find love, but when it comes down to it, I’m not good enough.”

“Where the hell did you get that?”

“You said—”

Holding up my hands, it was my turn to stop her tirade. I exhaled in a rush and tried to get control of my anger and irritation before I spoke again. In a softer voice, I told her, “I said he isn’t good enough for you. He’s a man–whore and you don’t need to be with him.”

“But what if it’s my one chance at love?” Her meek voice questioned me further.

“It isn’t.” I had lost my appetite and sank low into my chair. “Em, you are a beautiful and extraordinary woman. You’ll find someone that wants more than a roll in the hay.”

“Maybe he wants more.”

“I doubt it, and the last thing I want to see is you hurting more.”

She lifted her gaze from her lap to me and stated simply, “It’s my choice to make. And if it’s a mistake, it’s mine to make. Not yours.”

“Emma…” My words fell away seeing the determined expression on her face.

“When I threw the phone, I was trying to decide if I should call him to ask him out or not. When he called to check on me, he suggested that we should get together and hang out one night. Unlike most, he understands at least a fraction of what I have to deal with.”

“I do too,” I proclaimed, but I was grasping at straws. Would burying Chad six feet under satisfy my ever growing anger at him? Maybe not, but I wouldn’t know until I tried.

“No. I will give you that unlike some, you try to understand what I’m going through, but other than the couple of days we’ve spent together, you haven’t had to actually deal with it. And before you say I’ve told you what I deal with, unless you experience it on a daily basis, unless it’s affected your life personally, you really don’t get it.”

“It hasn’t affected his.” Now who was being the whiney petulant child?

“Bryan, I applaud you for trying. However, he’s seen his sister get a horrible disease, and watched as her life changed. He’s even had to help her with mundane tasks before. He’s seen the bad days and the good. You haven’t. It’s easy to sit there and say you can deal with it or that you understand when you haven’t experienced it all.” Reaching over, she grabbed my hand and squeezed. “You’re a good friend, and you have no idea how much it means to me that you’ve tried to help me like you have. Honestly, I’ve probably laughed more in the last few months than I have since I got sick. With your help, I’ve faced a lot of things I tried to pretend didn’t exist. You pushed me, and it’s time to put myself out there. So why not Chad. I’m not saying he’s my forever, but maybe he’s what I need to test the waters.”

I hated her logic because it actually made sense. But I still did not want her to go out with Chad. Anyone but Chad…or Mr. Smooth from the gym. Those two were no good.

Both of us had lost our appetite with the subject of our conversation, and neither one of us wanted to concede to the other. We stared at each other, hoping the other would give up, and were interrupted by our waitress asking how we were doing. We were done. With lunch, with this conversation, with the day.

Nothing else was said between us at the restaurant or on the way to her apartment, which was sad really. There was still so much to say, and no good way to say it. But when we arrived at her apartment and I escorted her to the door, I appealed to her one last time. “Emma, I don’t want you to settle for anything less than you deserve. Compared to you, Chad is scum and you should have more.” I left her standing there.

Chapter 29

Emma

Closing my door behind me, I pushed my walker away from me and heard it clatter to the ground. My eyes burned with tears that fell as I slid down my door, landing on the floor with a thud. Something inside warned me that I should to listen to him, to heed his warning, but that same part held out hope that Bryan would wake up one day and realize he had fallen in love with me. A pipe dream.

He had been right about one thing though, I deserved love. And maybe I was slightly oblivious. I honestly never realized that guy at the gym had been flirting with me the entire time I sat there. I only thought he wanted a new customer, and my budget didn’t allow for a personal trainer. So I blew him off. Chad on the other hand, understood a small fragment of my existing world. And while he might be a complete asshole, his history didn’t dictate his future. People changed. My life had taken a drastic turnaround the day I got sick, and since that day people judged me by what they saw: a young woman with a cane or walker. Based on that, I owed Chad the benefit of the doubt

My biggest obstacle were my feelings for Bryan. Instead of dissipating or changing, they grew. No longer could I claim that the only thing I felt for him was a simple crush. There was nothing simple about my feelings any longer. But then, Chad could distract me from my inner turmoil and heartbreak.

Besides, there existed a small sliver of possibility that something more could develop between Chad and I. Maybe. Probably.

I knew it wasn’t true, but that didn’t stop me from trying to lie to myself.

And after today’s lunch, I feared my relationship with Bryan sustained irreparable damage. I wanted my friend, but I had to distance myself or I risked my heart. I couldn’t do it. Our conversations might continue, however, my walls needed to be erected and firmly put back in place once again. There was no other way.

My phone rang. I ignored it. The people who really mattered to me each had their own ringtone: Mel, my parents, Ellie, Gia, and even Bryan. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I decided to give Bryan his own, but the one time he called me, I snickered as The Village People’s
In the Navy
blasted loudly throughout my apartment. When we made arrangements to go skydiving, he had given me his number to call him in case I wasn’t up for an afternoon out. I had given him mine in exchange, and he called to make sure I still wanted to go on an adventure–as he called it. And it had been.

Whomever called now, could be dealt with later. My heart was on the verge of breaking, and I needed space. I wanted to be left alone.

***

Blinking my eyes open, I felt disoriented for a moment and realized I had fallen asleep at the door. Or should I say I cried myself to sleep. Something woke me up though and it dawned on me that my alarm was screaming. I had to pick up Curley, but all I wanted to do was drag myself to my bed and shut out the world. I couldn’t do it though.

Beneath my cheek, a puddle of drool had pooled and my neck had a crick in it from sleeping in a weird position for too long. My tears had long since dried and left crusty tracks on my face. I felt done with everything.

Today, after I picked up my dog, I would crawl into bed where I could cuddle Curley and forget about my heartbreak momentarily. Tomorrow, I would deal with the shambles it felt like my life had become.

Chapter 30

Emma

My grandmother used to tell me that if I had a bad day, not to worry, because tomorrow a new day would dawn and with it came a fresh start. In response, I always patted her hand to placate her while I secretly rolled my eyes, because I thought she had turned senile on me.

But she was never senile. It was more that I never understood the ramblings of an old woman. I finally understood what she meant back then though. Waking up today brought me a new day and a new perspective. 

Bryan had his reasons for believing what he did about Chad, and all in all, he had my best interest at heart when he gave me his warning. Added to Mel’s own advice to be careful around Chad, and I knew Chad was a risk. However, I at some point in time, I had to take that leap. Why not with Chad? As far as guys went, his body was the stuff of wet dreams, he understood my situation, and he always acted like a gentleman around me. Maybe he was only after a roll in the hay, but even if that was the case, no one ever said I had to give into him. And the possibility existed that he only wanted a date with no ulterior motives. 

I felt almost compelled to accept Chad’s invitation—if he still planned on asking—because it would be the first step toward a new me, a new life. It meant I could start to close the door on Bryan, I could test the dating waters again, and it would boost my confidence–something it desperately needed. After so many bombed dates from my past, I needed one to go right, and I figured going out with Chad would be a sure bet for a good date.

I picked up my phone from the bedside table, noticing for the first time that Chad had left a voicemail the day before. The butterflies in my stomach stated to flutter as my thumb pressed on the button that would directly connect me with my voice mail. It was a quick message, one that only requested that I call him back. A return call sounded like an easy enough task, my finger hovering over his name, but I hesitated because my heart and my head wanted to only think about Bryan. Bryan wasn’t here. Bryan didn’t want me because I did not fit into his mold of the perfect woman. Chad wanted me, and even though Chad wasn’t Bryan, he was there.

I had almost worked up the courage to make the call, when my vision went black. Curley, who had been lying beside me, decided it was time for breakfast. Instead of nudging me or barking like a normal dog, he laid across my eyes and nose trying to both blind and suffocate me in a bid to get me moving pronto. His needs superseded my own, at least in his head. Giggling, I pushed him off of my face and snapped my fingers. He immediately jumped off the bed, sat down, and barked, causing me to giggle some more. My little dog never failed to put a smile on my face. On days I felt down or weak, he remained at my side to make sure I was not alone. Even last night after I’d picked him up, we came into the bedroom, he jumped on the bed, and we curled up together. He hadn’t tried to get me to play with him or run around like crazy. He knew I only needed him and my bed.

On the other hand, when he decided I near starved him, walking down the hall with him running circles around my feet desperate for his food, always became an adventure. As he ran around me, he stayed far enough out of reach that he wouldn’t run into me, his little body leaping into the air as he whined and barked for his sustenance. On days I used my cane, he obediently stayed on the opposite side of my extra leg, and on days I used my walker, he circled the wagons in an attempt to make me move faster. It always made me laugh.

I tried to use my cane today, but the moment I stood up, I wobbled and fell backwards onto the bed I had momentarily vacated. I had to have the extra support of my walker. My walker days were increasing, and I feared there would come a time when that would be the only device I used to get from place to place. I pushed that thought to the back of my mine, where I pushed everything I chose not to deal with immediately. In my current frame of mine, more walker time meant more funny looks from people, it meant it would be harder to find someone who saw past all of the issues to find the real me, and it meant my MG was not under control. Those thoughts were outrageously depressing.

Curley made it better though. After slipping my phone into the waistband of my pajama shorts, I pushed myself down the hall with Curley’s yelps forbidding me from thinking of anyone or anything except him. I mixed a spoonful of wet food with a small scoop of his dry food, gave him the command to sit, and carefully set the bowl on the floor as I held on for dear life to the counter. My grip was so tight, my fingertips were turning white. 

He continued to sit there, his eyes flittering between his food and me. He knew he couldn’t touch it before I gave him his release command. “Okay.” His release command given, he dove into his food, sucking in his stomach, and did not come up for air until he had inhaled every last crumb.

As he scarfed his food, I pulled my phone out of my waistband and stared at it. It felt hot and heavy in my hand. Chad asked me to call him back, he waited for my return phone call, but I hesitated. My gut told me if I accepted his offer—whatever that offer happened to be—things between Bryan and I would be forever changed. On one hand, given my current feelings for him, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. On the other hand though, I didn’t want to lose him completely. If I went out with Chad, I feared Bryan would be gone from me forever.

Then again, waiting for his feelings for me to change, helped no one, especially not me.

Curley whimpered and crawled into my lap, kissing my hand before curling into a ball. He supported me and somehow understood I needed him during my moment of uncertainty. Plus, he was probably exhausted from being at daycare the day before. It always wiped him out for a couple of days after.

The time had come. I slowly, almost too slowly, unlocked my phone and immediately pulled up my call log. It took me no time to find Chad’s number since it remained at the top of the list. My finger lingered over the button, trembling. Before I completely chickened out, I slammed my finger down harder than needed on
call
. I had two choices: remain on the line, or hang up. If I decided on plan b, he would undoubtedly call me back, which meant I could answer, send him to voicemail, or block his ass.

Hearing his voice when he answered made me realize how much I had overanalyzed this whole situation. My cheeks turned pink with my embarrassment, but thankfully no one could see except Curley. “Emma?” His voice called out to me, startling me to the point I almost dropped the phone. I had already sent it flying the day before. I thought that was more than enough for the little device.

“Hey. Um. Sorry about that.” My tentative voice shook slightly making me cringe. I crossed my fingers, praying he wouldn’t hear how nervous and timid I felt. Because Bryan had informed me of Chad’s intentions, I was more nervous than if I’d been kept in the dark. “Uh…you called yesterday?”
Way to sound nonchalant, Emma.

“Yeah, I did. Are you all right?”

“Yeah. I mean, yes, I am. Sorry. Yesterday was a little rough for me and this morning isn’t exactly a cake walk either.”

“You need anything?”

His concern brought a small smile to my lips and helped me to relax a little. “I think I’m okay. Curley went to day camp yesterday so he’s tuckered out, which means I don’t have to worry too much about him. I’m just going to keep it low–key today.  I’ll be fine.”

“You sure? If you need me to pick up anything, I will.”

Even though Bryan and Mel both claimed he was a player, and that he wasn’t the greatest guy to know, the fact that he’d offered something so simple, made him look like one of the good ones instead of a horrible guy. Chad had his merits too. I believed under his horrible reputation, lay a truly nice guy. “I think I’m good, but if something comes up, I’ll let you know.”

“‘Kay. So…”

“So?” Here it came. The question I knew he’d ask hung in the air. I held my breath, my skin felt hot and sweaty, and the butterflies in my stomach switched from the waltz to a salsa.

“So…want to go out with me?” He did it, he asked. I felt sick, while my heart shot into overdrive.

“On a date?” It popped out before I could prevent it.

“That’s typically what it means when a guy asks a girl to go out with him.”

Flustered, I stammered, “I-I-I…I know. I was just…checking?” I had to fight the urge to slap myself when it came out sounding more like a question than a statement full of conviction.

“Okay, and?”

“And?”

“Your answer. Do you want to go out with me? And just to clarify, go out on a date.”

“Umm–”

He more than likely sensed my hesitation, and jumped in before I said anything else. “It’s just a date. Dinner, and you pick the place.”

Still, I floundered, unsure of what I should say.

I heard a small chuckle, and then his smooth voice told me, “One date isn’t going to kill you, and besides, aren’t you trying to put yourself out there? I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, but you have to actually go out and have fun if you want to find someone. It’s the only way for your little experiment to work.”

Logic sucked. Chad was right, and he used the same logic I had used on myself earlier. Taking a deep breath, I shored up my courage, exhaled loudly, and then practically yelled into the phone, “OKAY.”

“Does that mean yes?”

I held my breath and nodded, only to remember he couldn’t see me. I swallowed hard, telling myself to be brave as I answered, “Yes.”

My heart felt like it wanted to beat out of my chest while my stomach started doing flips. I hadn’t eaten, but I felt like I wanted to throw up. Feelings of betrayal threatened to overwhelm me, though I beat it back as much as I could. What had I done to feel guilty about? Whom had I betrayed? No one except my own feelings. In that admission I believed I found the first step in getting over Bryan and leaving my feelings in the past. At least, I hoped that would be the case.

“Great!” he exclaimed, unaware of my inner torment. “Since you’re not up to much today, how about tomorrow? If you’re feeling better.”

This man understood good days versus bad days, and didn’t hold them against me. I told myself I should feel over the moon ecstatic. Part of me did feel that, however, the other part wept because of my decision to move on from my feelings. “I can do that.” I sounded perkier than I felt.

“Okay. How about I call you tomorrow morning to check on you. If you’re up for it, we can make plans then?  I actually have to run. I have a meeting with a client in about an hour so I need to get moving.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow then.”

“Awesome.”

“Bye, Emma.”

“Bye.”  My phone dropped to my side as soon as I disconnected the call.

I almost dropped it on Curley’s head, but caught it before any damage had been done. The little dog in my lap continued to snooze, snoring louder than a person with sleep apnea. He dreamed while I tried to fight back the tears and trepidation caused by my upcoming date.

I couldn’t believe I actually had a date.