Esther (38 page)

“Esther! It is only me.” He stepped back. He had my dagger in his hand and he held it away from us. His dark eyes were full of concern; he leaned his head forward slightly so they were more level with mine. “You are safe. We are in the palace in which you are queen.”

I took a jagged breath. “Yes, it was ‘only you,'
again
. Being attacked without warning once was one time too many. I did not think it was an offense you would want to repeat. I wish my hands were not trembling so I could slap you.”

“If there is a dagger in your hand, your hand will be a target. I needed to show you this.”

“You could have told me instead.”

He opened his mouth and then seemed to decide against whatever he was going to say. “Forgive me,” he said.

“That is the sound you make that I like least.”

“Esther,” he said so quietly that at first I did not know if I had heard him or read his lips, “I have done terrible things, things for which I do not know if I can ever forgive myself. But this is not one of them. I have been assigned to protect you. I knew no better way to show you that you should not carry a dagger, than to wrest it from you. Let nothing—no imagined defense and no sharp words—stop you from running away. If any man makes it past me, a woman with a dagger will be no match for him.” He held it out to me.

I did not take it. “Kneel.”

There was a cracking sound as he bent his knee to place it upon the tile. I pushed away any sympathy I felt for him. Keeping my right hand behind my back so he would not see the plate more clearly than I wished him to, I got as close as I could without touching him. Half a step more and his head would be against my stomach; but he did not lean away.

I took a long breath. I inhaled so deeply my lungs pressed against my ribs. He did not smell like the road. He did not smell like he had labored beneath the sun. He did not smell of old stale sweat, and he did not even smell of the sweat that shone upon his brow. He did not smell like a soldier but he withstood my anger with the calm strength of one. “Look up.”

His gaze was steady as he did as I commanded. Though he was on his knee before me, and though he had not been able to hide his feelings for me when we embraced in my wardrobe, he was not at my mercy. He had only one master: duty. This angered me more than his reticence to teach me to handle a dagger. “I have heard all you have said to caution me. You do not need to say it again.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

I could not help but think that his dark eyes were even more beautiful against the purple hollows beneath them.

“The dagger,” I said. His knuckles lightly brushed my leg as he handed it up to me. I grasped the handle, but he did not release it. I tried to breathe steadily and not shake as we just barely touched. When he let go I stepped back.

“Now stand and do as I have commanded: instruct me in how to defend the king's heir with a dagger.”

He rose stiffly to his feet and once again it was me who had to look up.

“Your Majesty, your eyes are your most important weapon. You must always see the danger before it is on top of you.”

Heat flared in my chest. “I did not imagine you would pounce upon me.” I lowered my voice. “What if an informant were to tell the king?”

“The king assigned me to protect you. I must carry out my duty, even if one day he decides to put me upon the gallows for it.”

“Do not assault me physically and then assault me again with the image of you swaying upon the gallows.”

“I am ready for whatever is coming. I see the danger all around me and I know there are many ways someone could attack me. I fear you do not. You must learn to see more clearly or you will not have time to draw your dagger. Do not look only to where you expect the danger to come from; danger that comes from where you expect it is hardly danger. True danger is that which you cannot see coming.”

Now there was enough sweat upon his brow that a bead formed and began to roll down his face. I suppressed the urge to wipe it away before it ran into his eye. He shook his head slightly, sending it toward the side of his face. “When the only weapon you think you have is a dagger,” he said, “I fear you will only see danger that can be met with a blade.”

“I did not ask for a lecture. Is your memory so short that already you have forgotten what I have commanded you to do?”

“Do you see how you are holding the dagger, Your Majesty?”

I was holding it in my left hand because it was uncomfortable to hold it against the plate over my right one. The dagger pointed from the little-finger side of my hand.

“I am holding it so that I can bring the back of it up against my shoulder and stab a man in the face.”

“You have little leverage or reach in that position. Hold it so the point comes from the front of your hand. Stab any man who comes close. This may not kill him, but it will weaken him so you can do the safest thing of all—run away.

“Please sheathe your dagger again, Majesty. I will not touch you this time. I will tell you I am going to approach, and then you will try to draw your dagger before I reach you.”

My hand shook as I sheathed the dagger. Perhaps this is what caused Erez to stare more closely at the plate over my palm. “Forget all I have said, Your Highness. There is no need for you to sheathe anything, and there will be no need for you to draw a weapon when you could carry one in your hand. One you would not even need to hold on to.”

“I thought of having a small blade affixed to the center of the plate, but I use this hand just as I use the other. I do not want to leave a trail of blood every time I scratch my nose or reach to brush a stray hair out of my eyes.”

“You will quickly learn not to do those things. The blade will help you to remember that you must always be ready. That may be its true value.”

“I take it off at night.”

“But I do not set down my weapons, Majesty.”

I felt tears forming in the corners of my eyes. I put the dagger upon the floor, then stood and extended my right palm. I could not keep from holding out that ugly, secret part of myself to him. If he gazed upon it without flinching, and if he looked at me the same afterward, then I would know he loved me.

He came close enough to cradle my hand in one of his own. With the fingers of his other hand he pressed my fingers back to better expose the plate. It felt as though a flame was creeping up my neck, into my cheeks. “There is plenty of room, perhaps even room enough for some sort of hinge, so that the blade can be safely tucked against the plate until you want to open it. But these chains will have to be tightened if you are to have a steady blade. Do they hurt?” He pushed one aside and gently moved his fingertip over the chapped skin beneath it. I almost began to cry from the pleasure.

“I caught Halannah's knife in my flesh.”

He looked into my eyes. “I am glad you did, Majesty. But why is there no cloth beneath the plate to comfort your palm?”

“Because the plate is
jewelry
.”

He gently let go of my hand. I left it palm up to him for a breath, as though he might take it again.

“Perhaps it is time for you to start a new fashion.”

As I lowered my hand I did not allow any expression to come over my face. Not one of relief, nor sadness, nor longing. “I do not want to draw attention to this flaw or any other.”

“Flaw? No one trusts a soldier without scars. No one wants to stand by him in battle for fear he cares more for his skin than anyone else's.”

I could not keep my gaze from his arm. Though I could not see the teeth marks, I knew they were there. It gave me more satisfaction than it should have that one of his scars was from me. Without meaning to, I had marked him.

“It is different for men,” I said. “In the harem women are sent to the soldiers for less.”

“You are no longer in the harem, Your Majesty. And the king did not choose you because you are without flaws. He chose you because you are alive in a way the other girls are not.”

I was so stunned by his words that I could not speak. He turned his attention back to the plate.

“If it hurts as much as I imagine, Your Majesty, you endure pain as well as a soldier. But you blush like a girl.”

Something fell loudly upon the tiles and I turned to find Ruti standing unbent over a pitcher that lay on its side at her feet. “Your
Majesty,
” she said, as though reminding me of something I had forgotten.

“My training is done for the day,” I told her. I turned slightly in Erez's direction and without looking at him, said, “Thank you. That is all.”

“Send one of the servants to fetch Hegai,” I told Ruti in a tone meant to convey that it did not matter whether she approved of anything I did.

“I hope he can help, Your Highness.” She gave me a meaningful look before going to order one of the servants outside to summon Hegai.

When Hegai arrived I drew him deep into my chambers where the guards could not overhear us. He gazed at me with such fervent adulation that I did something a queen should never do. I took a step back. He dropped to his knees. “My Queen, Great Ishtar. You are so beautiful to me now in the bright flush of full womanhood that I would be content to kneel here gazing upon your splendor for whatever remains of my little life. You are like a great bird who has finally mastered the wind. You are—”

Fearing he would profess his love for me if I allowed him to continue, I interrupted, “I am not yours.”

He did not bristle at having to apologize the way he once would have. “Please forgive me, Your Majesty,” he said. “I am only happy to think of all the good you can do now that you have proven that you are indeed Ishtar. If you can cause arrows to alter their course, and compel men to lay down their bows at your feet, then surely now you can have Halannah removed from the harem.”

I was relieved; he had most likely exaggerated his adulation to convince me of my powers so that I might do as he wished. I placed my hand upon my belly. “I have not gone to see the king for over three months and I hope I will not be called to his bed for at least six more.”

“Then you will rise even higher in his esteem. You will rule beside him.” His face took on the sternness I had grown used to shortly after arriving in the harem. “
If
you give birth to a son and can keep him alive.”

“It is a relief that you have not changed,” I said, “except that your words cause something within me to clench.” I hoped it was not the life in my belly. I wanted to shield my child from any knowledge that he was in danger for as long as possible.

“If I have given offense it is only that I have thought of you so often and seen you so little that I do not yet know if I am dreaming or if it is really you who is before me.”

“It is you who is before me.”

“Of course, Your Majesty.”

I walked over to where he knelt. “Put your hand on my stomach.” A tiny piece of ruthless, unbridled greed from the king seemed to have entered me with his seed. “Here lies the empire.”

“Your dreams have enlarged, Your Majesty.”

“Yes, use both hands.” I pressed them gently to my stomach. “There is some of the king inside me now.”

“Be careful. I was once a man, and his desires have not left me.”

I let go of his hands. He took them from my body carefully, making sure not to touch any other part of me.

“Do not let your dreams get so big that you do not see what is around you, Your Highness. You must be awake to defend yourself. Your fate wrestles inside you now.”

“That is why I am going to carry a blade in the center of my right hand, a blade I do not have to hold. Hopefully a hinge can fasten it against the plate until I need to defend myself.”

“I will take care of this. I am happy to see that I do not need to worry for you as much as I do.”

“Do not completely abandon your worry. I would miss it.” His eyes lit up as though I had given him something precious. “Have you heard anything in the harem?”

“Halannah is not happy about her cousins' beatings and confinement. But she is also somewhat checked.”

“Checked in her behavior or her schemes?”

“Her schemes cannot be checked. But she has fewer willing allies since you walked unharmed through the military court and the king had Dalphon and Parsha beaten for not bowing to you.”

“When I last saw Utanah she was overfull with wine. I cannot tell if she is truly happy. How does she fare wherever you are keeping her?”

“Neither so poorly nor so well that I am concerned.”

“And her sister? Has her back been decorated like Utanah's?”

“No, Your Majesty. I assure you, if she has any injuries they are not where anyone can see them.”

“You have a strange way of trying to reassure me.”

“Perhaps you will better like what I have to say next. I have seen to it that the tale of your immortality, and of Dalphon's and Parsha's treason and subsequent downfall, was passed round and round the harem until it was so vivid women were talking about it as though they had witnessed it themselves.”

“Thank you, Hegai. When I see the king again”—I touched my stomach—“hopefully I will be in a position to ask for the sun, the moon, and all the stars.”

“He may now think Halannah one of the brightest of them, but her light will dim beside the mother of his heir.”

When he left with the plate I felt naked. I had always taken it off at night, but it had never been out of reach. I became aware of my heartbeat, my breathing, and a tremor that was fighting to overtake my body.

“Do you need anything, Your Highness?” Ruti asked before I retired.

I had the urge to call Erez back in from where he stood guard outside my chambers and order him to stand watch directly over me and my child. But I knew that after the suspicion I had already raised that day, he could not be the closest guard to me for some time to come.