Esther (47 page)

His gaze moved to my neck, my shoulders, and then my chest. “I had forgotten how beautiful you are. The looks of my servants and advisers have reminded me.”

“I wanted to be naked but for your love and the crown you placed upon my head.”

His gaze traveled up my body to meet mine and his eyes softened. “The first time you came to me you did not adorn yourself with any jewels. You wore nothing but a robe and the plate over your palm. I will not forget that you wanted nothing but me, and how that made me want to give you everything.”

He reached a hand out and I leaned forward so he could touch my face. I felt a whoosh of air against my lips and then my veil was no longer in front of my eyes.

“I still have no need of anything but the love I bear you, my king.” I reminded him of all the things I had never asked for. “No bejeweled robes or head scarves, no fine leather sandals, no silver or gold. I have no need of all except one thing.”

Still holding my veil away from my face, he dismissed everyone except his chamber servants. Haman's kohl-ringed eyes had narrowed so much I almost could not see it was me they gazed upon.
Do not worry, we will meet again soon,
I thought as he left.

When all but the king's closest servants had gone, he asked, “What troubles you, my queen? And what is your request?”

Hearing the warmth in the king's voice, I let out the breath I had been holding. “If it please Your Majesty, let Your Majesty and Haman come today to the feast that I have prepared.”

The king studied my face. I thought he might ask me what game I was playing at, but instead he said, “If that is your request,” and let my veil fall across my eyes once again. After one last look at my flesh he dismissed me and sent a servant to inform Haman.

It was a victory, but a bittersweet one, as along with it would come the end of my life.

I rushed to the Women's Courtyard, where the feast was to be held, to make certain everything would be ready in time.

As I waited in the courtyard for Haman and the king, I had more courage than I had ever had before, but still I knew it might not be enough to last through all that was to come. I absently ran my fingertips up over the plate on my right hand until they touched the sharp point of the blade. I dropped my hands to my sides and cast my gaze up to the sky. I began silently praying the Sh'ma. I did not stop until I heard footsteps.

Haman and the king approached side by side. Haman must have thought that the reason I had invited him was that I wished to win his love; his face was bloated with pride, not unlike that of his niece when she had emerged from Xerxes' chambers.

I bowed low before the king and invited them to recline upon the couches around the long table that was covered with breads, sweet orange and grape jellies, and every kind of nut. Haman did not bow to me or even wait for the king to first choose a place before lying down on his side and calling to a servant for wine. The king did not reprimand him. He had probably grown accustomed to Haman's impertinence long ago, or perhaps Haman's sacrifice of his sons had secured the king's trust.

I bent to plump the cushions that lay upon the couch the king stood before, then I rose and thanked him for coming. I turned to Haman. “And you as well, my handsome nobleman.”

Haman's eyes widened and his lips came apart, as though he had a question, but he said nothing. Then he gathered himself back together and narrowed his eyes. Perhaps he thought I mocked him. I tried to maintain an air of adoration as I returned his gaze. From the corner of my eye I could see the king look from me to Haman and back. “Surely you have not invited us here to look upon my adviser,” the king said. Then he laughed, as though realizing the ridiculousness of such a notion.

“Oh!” I said, hoping to sound like someone suddenly awakened from a dream. I bowed again so the king might think I was overwhelmed by guilt or fear, but his gaze had already moved to the food on the table.

Once the king was settled upon the couch, I did not allow servants to fill the king's or Haman's goblets or bring trays of food to them. I did these things myself. I filled a goblet for the king, and then refilled Haman's goblet. He held it out to me and I wrapped my fingers around his. I could feel his smooth skin and long nails—he did little work. I did not let go right away, not until I was certain the king was watching. I willed myself to blush. I do not know if my cheeks reddened, but as I let go of the goblet I cast my eyes down, feigning embarrassment at my own loss of control. The king was not laughing now. His huge lips were pressed together into a thin, angry line.

I was certain the only thing standing between the gallows and me and Haman was the confusion in the king's eyes. I had to rid the king of this confusion.

As I arrayed myself on the couch next to Haman's, across from the king, the king seemed to grow larger. His huge body dwarfed everything for cubits in all directions. His lips turned down at the corners, and suddenly something felt wrong. Up until that moment I had been so focused on planning what I would do at the feast that I had thought of nothing else. If I continued any further along the path I had set out on, things would start happening very quickly. The king would not sit idle upon a sense of betrayal. Though I was no longer afraid of death, I was not yet ready for it. I had not said thank you or goodbye to any of the people I loved.

“What is your wish?” Xerxes asked. “Even to half my kingdom it shall be fulfilled.”

“If it please Your Majesty to grant my wish and accede to my request—let Your Majesty and Haman come to the feast which I will prepare for them again tomorrow.”

The king looked carefully at me and his look was not warm. “As you wish.” He set down his goblet and stood abruptly. Haman, perhaps seeing Xerxes' irritation, did not persist in his earlier impertinence, but he leered at me when the king turned away. Without even knowing my plans, he somehow thought I was acceding to his new position of power. To him I was just a desperate girl without anything of value. But I was certain I still had more than Haman did; I had something I cared about more than my own personal ambitions. I watched him walk away. My heart almost filled with pity for him.
No matter what he has, he will never be satisfied. He will never be free.

That night I wrote four letters.

The first one was for Mordecai. He had taken me in and cared for me as though I were his own daughter. He had taught me to read even though that made me more independent of him. I would never again have to ask him to read something to me. I knew it was not a small thing to make me more independent. I could see everything more clearly now that my life was running out; Mordecai had liked having me near. He was not one to be loudly happy, but even through his exhaustion I had been able to see something like a little bird of happiness set free behind his eyes as soon as he had returned to his hut each evening and found me waiting for him. I told him I was grateful for all he had done for me, and that God could not have left me in better hands than his.

The second one was for Hegai. He was not always easy to love, but I loved him anyway. I thanked him for his wisdom. It had helped save me from Halannah, so my life could be sacrificed for something better.

For a long time I pondered what words to place upon the scroll I would have Hathach read to Ruti. Finally I wrote,
My servant, the thanks I owe you is too heavy to carry into death so I am writing you this letter before I go. My spirit will not be free until I tell you what I should have said years ago: you are the most courageous person I have ever known. The bravest thing a person can do is survive when it would seem to most that little is left. You have survived to help someone, and I praise God that I am that someone. You have saved my life many times. If not for you I would have been too afraid to close my eyes at night, too alone to have gotten up each day.

Erez's letter was the shortest. There were no words that would make it any easier to leave him.
I am going to use all the courage you have given me to save my people, and to save you too if I can. If I do not succeed, know that I have tried with all my heart.
That was as close as I could come to telling him I loved him.

I trusted Hathach to deliver Hegai's and Mordecai's letters and to read Ruti and Erez their letters. “If anything should happen to me,” I said when I called him in and handed the scrolls to him.

His hand shook as he took them. He bowed his assent but did not leave when I dismissed him.

“I do not have much time, Hathach.”

“I have news, Your Majesty, news that you may not like to hear. But I would be remiss in my duty if I did not tell you that after the feast, Mordecai was in the palace gate as Haman passed through it. Mordecai refused to bow. Your Majesty, I am sorry to tell you that Haman has had a gallows fifty cubits high built for Mordecai.”

I felt as though the wind had been pressed from my lungs. “You should have told me at once.”

Before I could panic, he hurried on. “As of a few moments ago, it still stood empty. The king is in his chambers for the evening, and Haman would not hold a public execution without speaking first to him.”

I tried to think of what Hegai would do. “Have you friends in the king's chambers?”

“I have friends everywhere,” he replied.

“Then I have an idea.”

He listened with his head bowed as I told him how we could help Mordecai without seeming to. When I finished he looked up at me. “Your Great Majesty, I am blessed to be of service to you. I will go at once to talk to the king's eunuch.”

Several times in the night I got up and went to look at the doors to my chambers. “Your Majesty,” Ruti said, “the doors have not moved. What is it you are watching for?”

I would not tell her of my plan unless it was successful. I simply said, “Our fate.”

“You cannot improve upon your fate by watching the doors.” She coaxed me back to bed and rubbed my back as she told me she knew I had found my courage. “I can see it in your eyes. Now that you have done your part for the day, relax and trust that God will do His.”

Sometime before dawn I fell asleep.

In the morning Hathach burst into my chambers and stood stooped before me. My heart beat harder as he struggled to catch his breath. I had a servant bring some water. After a moment, I said, “I have even less time than I did last night, Hathach. Even if you have to speak in small pieces, please tell me what news you bring.”

“Forgive me.” He took a deep breath and said, “When I received no news this morning, I ran to the king's chambers myself to speak with his head eunuch and I have just returned. Last night, the eunuch did as I asked and made certain the king did not sleep. Each time the king closed his eyes and his breathing began to deepen, there was”—Hathach smiled—“a noise of some sort that woke him. The eunuch suggested perhaps the king might fall asleep more quickly if he would allow him to read aloud from the book of records. Strangely”—Hathach's smile spread across his face—“he read an account from a few years ago, of how Mordecai the Jew had sent warning to the king about a plot on his life.”

“The eunuch made certain to say ‘Mordecai the Jew'?”

“Yes, Your Majesty. I am certain that he carried out the plan exactly as I asked. He is a very loyal, very well paid friend. He reports that the king sat up in bed and asked him to read it again. Then the king said, as though he had forgotten it up until that moment,
‘Mordecai saved my life.
' He also remembered that
you
were the one who delivered Mordecai's message.”

I knew hope could be deceptive, and that altering my plan with Haman might be dangerous, but I could not beat back the thought that surely I had been lifted again in the king's esteem. Lifted above my status as barren queen. Perhaps I did not have to pretend an affair with Haman. Perhaps I did not have to die. “I was right to trust you, Hathach. Thank you.”