Esther (22 page)

When I awoke, Ruti was there, kneeling beside my bed. I was about to ask her what she was doing when I realized
: she is praying.
Her right hand was over her eyes and—very quietly—she sang the Sh'ma:

“Hear, O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One. Blessed be the name of the glory of His kingdom forever and ever.

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be upon your heart. You shall teach them thoroughly to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road, when you lie down and when you rise.”

I remembered the feel of my mother's hand caressing my back as she had sung this to me each morning.

“You shall bind them as a sign upon your hand, and they shall be for a reminder between your eyes. And you shall write them upon the doorposts of your house and upon your gates.”

“But we cannot write them anywhere,” I interrupted Ruti, “or someone might know us for what we are.”

“Do not be so literal, child. You will not appreciate all the songs and poetry you are about to inspire.” My sadness must have shown on my face. “What troubles you?” Ruti asked.

I could not tell her the truth: I hated what I had done to Utanah, I hated that my people were in danger and that their survival might depend upon me, and I hated that the man I most wanted to inspire did not seem on the verge of poetry. He did not seem to care what I did, so long as I left him alone. Instead of answering I reached for my goblet.

The next two days I did not go to the courtyard. I did not want to watch Erez walking past without stopping.

“You must eat, and then I will go with you to the courtyard,” Ruti said.

“My head aches, besides, why would I want to go to the courtyard?”

“Yesterday there was an Immortal who looked long upon the column you sit by.”

“How do you know?” I could not keep the eagerness from my voice.

“I went there, vainly hoping Mordecai would come and ask me to convey some message to you which might inspire you to rise from this mattress, or that Parsha would reveal something of his father's plan.”

“And what of this Immortal you speak of?”

“He walked by but his eyes did not move as quickly as the rest of him. His breath caught in his throat when he saw you were not there. I am certain it was not the first time you have caused him great pain.”

“Then why did he not acknowledge me all the times I sat waiting for him to look at me?”

“Did you not just hear what I said? Because it hurts him to look at you. Only someone he loves could cause him as much pain as you have.”

The throbbing in my head suddenly did not seem so great. “Why did you not tell me this earlier?”

“Because no good can come of you longing for a man you can never have, except if it gives you a reason to get out of bed and keeps you from ruining your face by frowning. Nothing will compel the king to get rid of a girl more quickly than sadness.”

I wondered what Erez would think of my new body. It had been hidden by my veil and robes every time he walked through the courtyard. Would he like how the food and wine had caused my face to fill out and my breasts to grow so heavy that I felt their weight shifting as I walked? Sometimes in bed I ran my hands over myself to see what it would feel like to touch me. I was careful not to go near the ache between my thighs.

After the king has had me I will not have to be so careful. I will be able to touch myself as deeply as I desire.

My own hands were not the ones I truly longed for though.

“To the courtyard,” I told Ruti.

As Erez walked by, dark eyes trained upon his destination, I silently repeated Ruti's words,
Only someone he loves could cause him as much pain as you have.

“You must rest tonight,” Ruti said the night before I was to go in to the king. “Tomorrow, hopefully, you will not get to.”

“You had just as well tell me to hurl an ox ten cubits into the air with my littlest finger.”

“At least think good thoughts. Good thoughts make you pretty, dark ones make you old.”

I looked away from Ruti, so she would not see what I was thinking. “Yes,” she said, “old like me. But tonight I am going to think only good thoughts in my old head, because I know that in two days you will be queen.”

I waited for her to add something such as
“If
you do all I have said.” Instead she sat down next to me and rubbed my back as my mother used to do.

“I will try to make it so. Whether I am queen or not though, I know that after I go in to the king everything will be different. I will no longer wonder what it might be like to be with a man.”

“You will not know this tomorrow either. He is not a man, he is a king. You will do whatever he asks of you and expect nothing in return—not kindness, not gentleness—” Ruti stopped suddenly. She took a deep breath and dropped her chin. “Forgive me, child. I no longer seem to know how to care for someone other than to caution and instruct them.”

“You have done nothing for which you must seek forgiveness, Ruti. I do not always like your words, but I prefer them to silence.”

“It will likely be over so quickly you will hardly know anything has happened except for the pain.”

“Hegai says I must bleed.”

“You do not need to bleed, but the king must think you have. We will paint your left hand with henna and you can brush it on the blanket beneath your hips. Other than that all you have to do is smile, compliment him, be humble, subservient. He will see what everyone else does: you are the most beautiful virgin in the palace.”

“You flatter me, Ruti, and I am grateful for it. Thank you.”

That night, it was not only fear that kept me from falling asleep. A tiny bead of hope was loose in my chest. If Xerxes found me beautiful enough to be queen, I might save some of the harem from going to the soldiers, and help my people survive the reign of one more foreign king.

But if I were not made queen . . . I hated to think of myself as a harem concubine—one of many women fighting for the king's attention and gifts, worrying each time more virgins joined the harem—
will this one be my replacement?
A girl with my features, but new. Something I would never be again.

When Ruti heard me tossing upon my mattress she said, “I told you, you must rest tonight.”

“How am I to rest when one night will determine my fate, and perhaps that of our people?”

“Maybe you could pray, Your Highness.”

Your Highness
echoed in my head for a moment before I realized she was speaking to me.

Preparations for my night with the king began that morning. Ruti stood over the servants as they bathed me with rosewater and rubbed almond oil into my skin. She oversaw them as they applied pomegranate to my cheeks and lips and kohl around my eyes. We could not be certain the king would ever see any of me besides my eyes, but each feature was attended to as if the king would study it carefully. As I thought of the king and all the evil that he allowed to take place not only in his empire but also in one of his own palaces, I could not stop a refrain from running through my head:
I do not want his hands on me. I do not want his hands on me.

After Ruti dismissed the other servants she looked carefully at me. “Quit crumpling your brow, I can see your thoughts.”

I tried to relax my face, but this only seemed to make it worse.

“It will not be hard to please him. He cares nothing about you but only about how you make him feel. Do you make him feel strong and powerful? Do you make him feel that he is the smartest man in the empire and the most majestic—more king than any king who has come before?”

“How do I do all this?”

“Open your eyes wide when you see him, as if struck by his beauty. Then bow your head. He is used to subservience. But do not forget to smile shyly, as if delighted to be in his presence. When he touches you with his hands or even just his breath, look as though you have just tasted the finest wine. Whatever he offers you, you must thank him profusely for it. If the wine tastes like the urine of an old mule, still you will thank him.”

I was given a lighter meal than usual. When I looked questioningly at it, Ruti said, “You should be plump already—it is too late to make you more pleasing. Tonight it is better that all the food you have eaten does not grumble within you. You only have one night—and perhaps not even that long—to win the king.”

I could not manage to eat more than a few grapes anyway.

The beads rustled as Hegai walked in unannounced.

I quickly stood. Before I could even say “my lord,” he said, “I have come to look at you.”

“And how do you find me, my lord?”

“Wanting.”

Ruti stiffened. “I have overseen her bathing, cosmetics, and perfume myself, my lord.”

“Was I incorrect in thinking you had lived in the palace thirty years?”

“About that, you were not incorrect.”

“Did you not see Vashti?” he asked.

“Many times.”

“You may have looked upon her but obviously you did not truly see her. Pomegranate juice was applied so heavily to her lips and cheeks that I sometimes wished to take a bite out of them. Her eyes were ringed not with black kohl but with blue azurite.”

“Does the king wish to bring back the queen he
exiled
?”

“We both know his pride would not allow that. Yet, he wishes she were with him still.”

The truth of this registered upon Ruti's face. “But I do not know where to find this blue.”

“I am not surprised. Luckily I have brought some.”

Before he left my chamber, Hegai said, “You will wear a head scarf and veil tonight. You must take your veil off at the soonest opportunity. We cannot risk the king taking you in a hurry without seeing all of your beauty.”

“My lord, will he not be angered by my boldness?”