Esther (17 page)

“And now here I am. All but four tiny pieces of me and my pride.”

“But you acted courageously, my lord. Why does your pride suffer?”

“Because I was not alert when someone gave my pet wine and provoked her. Because I could not stop her once I woke to her roaring. Because I have fallen in the king's esteem and am now maintaining my position only because he would feel foolish admitting that four fingertips is not enough. Because after I dropped the bloody dagger upon the tiles, the king spat upon the floor beside his throne, and said, ‘Some eunuchs are like women—careless, cruel, and disobedient. Even many of my soldiers cannot be trusted. I will bring
real
men—men who have fought for me—to guard the palace.' ”

Hegai hesitated. I bit my tongue to keep from commanding or begging him to go on. “He was speaking not of common soldiers, little flower. He was speaking of men upon whom I have little influence—the most inhuman of all creatures: Immortals.”

I dreamed of hooves pounding closer through the night and of the blinding light of torches. I heard horses whinnying, girls crying, and the clashing of swords. Then I heard the worst sound of all, the sound of armor clanking as a soldier came to yank me from my bed.

The only comfort when I awoke, gasping in a pool of my own sweat, was the thought that perhaps Erez would be among the Immortals recalled to the palace.

One night my dream was especially vivid and in the morning I awoke to find the palace swarming with soldiers. They lined each room and corridor like relief carvings that had stepped out of the wall to watch us more closely. I knew by their saffron uniforms decorated with tiny stars that they were Immortals. They were silent and unmoving but for their eyes, which followed us as we walked past.

I knew I should keep my head lowered and not gaze at any of the soldiers directly, but I could not keep from looking for Erez. My heart rose into my throat as I thought of him. What would I say if we met again?
Thank you for your kindness, it has sustained me? Often I wake up with my hand wrapped around the Faravahar?

“Soldiers have bigger appetites than ordinary men,” Bigthan grumbled. “The king is putting both eunuchs and virgins in danger.”

He and another eunuch were escorting my maids and me from our chamber to the baths. He jumped when one of the Immortals standing against the wall just ahead of us said, “Do not flatter yourself that you are in any danger, you castrated little peacock.”

The wall was overcrowded with men. Parsha stood slightly in front of the others, as if he had inserted himself among them and did not truly belong. He was not an unwelcome sight. If Parsha had been recalled to the palace, Erez might have as well. Parsha moved his gaze from Bigthan unto me. “But your eunuch is half right about who is in danger, and the Hunter is not here to protect you.”

I held my head high as I walked past, trying to hide my disappointment.

Though soldiers were not allowed in the baths, I did not want to disrobe. They were too near.
And they will always be too near now
. We had grown so used to being bathed that we were no longer self-conscious. We usually talked, laughed, and drank in the baths as if we were safely in my chambers. But on this day, there was no laughter. I overheard the handmaiden who'd had a broken lip when we arrived in the palace whisper, “He is so handsome.” I did not know which Immortal she spoke of, but I feared it was Parsha. I was glad when no other maid spoke up to agree with her.

For once Bigthan showed some kindness. He did not force me to disrobe.

After he had escorted us back to our chamber, I requested an audience with Hegai. I wanted Ruti back. I would charm and beg and cry if I needed to.

When I entered Hegai's chambers that evening, I did so with my head bowed and fell upon my knees before him.

“My l—”

“Little flower,” he interrupted. “I have been thinking too much about you.” I looked up into his eyes and immediately regretted it. I did not like the intensity of his gaze. “My affection increases even when you are not near. It has grown so that . . .”

I was relieved that he let his voice trail off before finishing his thought. He continued, “I realized when the tip of my sword was against my belly and you came to my chamber that I liked you more than I have liked any harem girl before you. Though I thought I would not live to benefit from it, still I wanted to help make certain you became queen.” He looked carefully at my face. I must not have hidden my discomfort at his words as well as I had hoped. He laughed lightly. “Or perhaps I only wished to help you because Halannah would be hurt by your rise to Xerxes' side. Yes, that is where my desire must have come from.”

I was grateful that he had undercut his declaration of feeling for me. I wished he could also take back his gaze.

“Affection for people is weakness,” he said, “and weakness must be hidden. Surely you know that by now.”

Maybe I would have believed this except for all the times that thoughts of Erez had lifted me out of my despair. “Yes, my lord,” I said.

“Rise. You are here because you want something. Because you saved me, I will grant it to you.”

“You are generous, my lord, but I have only a humble request. One of Haman's sons has returned to the palace, and perhaps the other one will follow. These men are my enemies. They will not be pleased to see that I have won your favor and that we have our eye upon the crown. With these men so close, I must have an ally with me at all times. All I ask for is Ruti.”

“A servant. How we love our servants! They tell us what we want to hear and seem to live only for us. We think they are more loyal to us than themselves.”

All I have is my life and now, a reason for it,
Ruti had said. I did not know why she was devoted to me, but I was certain that she was.

“With each other we must preen and strut about, but our servants see us with our hair undone, with no clothes . . . They see us when we sleep. You can be fooled into thinking they have no schemes of their own, no desires but yours. You can feel too safe. Ruti wasted no time in securing herself to you. Keep your eyes open.”

“I will, my lord.”

“Even while she washes your hair and puts kohl around your eyes?”

“Yes, my lord.”

“And when you sleep?”

“I will sleep lightly.”

“Not as lightly as I. I will return her to you, if you promise to consider carefully before listening to her counsel. She was not born into servitude. She made her way there herself.”

“But cannot one learn from her mistakes?”

“She knows one wrong path, but there are many. You would grow old ruling out one by one all the paths that lead down instead of up.”

“Do not fear for me. My ears are empty but for the voice of your counsel,” I lied.

He laughed. “Go before I can no longer control my desire for you.”

I hope he is what he seems,
I thought as I hurried from his chamber.

“Ishtar!” he called before I reached the door. “How long have you been in the harem?”

“Ten months, my lord.”

“Do you know what this means?”

There had been almost a hundred virgins rounded up along with me, and I had heard that the king was often at his palace in Persepolis, working to finish the construction that Darius had begun, so I had not thought I would have my night with the king exactly one year after entering the harem.

“Be ready in two months,” Hegai said.

When Ruti came into my chambers that night, I dismissed my maids and embraced her so tightly that she gasped. We talked until morning as I told her everything that had happened while we were apart.

“Two months is not so many,” she said. “You have won Hegai's favor, but Hegai has lost the king's. You will have to win the king on your own.”

I did not want to hear this. “I am suddenly very tired, Ruti. I wish to sleep.”

“Not
all
on your own. I will help you.” She gently pinched my hip. “As will all the meats, nuts, and dates you can consume in the next two months.”

The next night I went to the Women's Courtyard for the first time since learning that Immortals would be returning to the palace. A group of them glanced at me on their way to enter the palace through the Western Gate, but not for very long. I wore many layers of loose robes and a veil with only a small slit for my eyes.

I had come to the courtyard hoping to see my cousin, and I was not disappointed. Whatever business had kept him away, or perhaps just a desire to avoid me, had ended. “Mordecai,” I called through my veil when I saw him. And then I could not stop my feet from carrying me toward him.

“Do not come any closer,” he said sharply.

I stopped. “Forgive me for my foolishness, cousin.”

“You have done nothing for which you need to be forgiven, Hadas—Esther. I just do not want anyone seeing a virgin of the harem speaking again to the king's accountant.”

I wanted to throw my arms around him. Without Cyra, Mordecai was the only one at the palace who knew who I really was. He was the only one who had known my mother.

“But I will speak to you secretly,” Mordecai said. “Sit by that cypress over there, and do not look at me.”

Once I was sitting he turned slightly away from me, took a deep breath and looked at the ledger in his hand. “I am glad all is well with this,” he said, as if to himself. “It is important for these numbers to find favor with the king, in case they are needed soon. Discontent rises amongst certain accounts, and ones' own numbers may be threatened. The mistake Saul made over five hundred years ago will come to cost us all we have.”

“Cousin,” I whispered, “I am at an utter loss as to your meaning.”

He glanced at Ruti, to indicate he could say no more with the woman close enough to hear. Because of my veil, I had not noticed her come up beside me.

“There is no one I trust here more than her,” I assured him.

“You must become queen. The fate of all our people depends upon it,” he said.