Esther (24 page)

“I have a palace full of scribes already, and besides my tales do not soothe. I am the most powerful man in the world and the world is not at peace.”

I looked away in order to hide what I was thinking.
It is not at peace because you wish always to rule more than you do.

He leaned so close that I could feel his breath through the thin material of my robe. “Do not turn away from me, little Shushan. I do not usually waste time talking to women other than my mother. If you are not grateful I will stop.”

He was so near that I thought when I turned back our faces might touch. But then his breath was no longer warm against my shoulder. He had pulled back for some reason, perhaps to look at me. I widened my eyes and turned quickly to him so that my hair fanned around my face.

He took a moment to study me, then he reached out and wound a lock of my hair around his finger. “There is something about you that holds me in its grasp. Hegai has told me that the more he looks at you the less he knows. The way he speaks of you makes me wonder if he regrets that he is no longer truly a man.”

He smiled at something he saw in my face. “If I were to spit upon my hand and rub the pomegranate from your cheek, I think I would find that you are blushing now.”

“I have been blushing since first seeing you, Your Majesty.”

He ignored my flattery and asked, “Did you mean to inspire that sort of love in a eunuch, the sort of love that makes him speak dangerously enough to sway upon the gallows? Or perhaps he only pretends to feel this way about you to make certain I do not overlook your beauty. He thinks he is responsible for it—that it is his greatest work. I do not fault him for wanting to make certain it does not go unnoticed or unrewarded.”

He pulled lightly upon the lock of my hair that was wrapped around his finger and then released it. “Lay back.”

I did as he commanded and he leaned over me, his eyes not more than a hand's width from mine. My heart beat hard against my chest and I held my breath. With as much concentration as a blind man would have, he touched my temple, my cheek, and then my lips.

“I think it is both of these things. He is proud of who he has made you, in love with his own work.” His breath smelled so strongly of wine that I felt I was drinking as he spoke.

“That is the way I feel when I sack a great city. It is my greatest work. Some may not think a sacked city is beautiful, but when I destroy it and take its treasures, that is when it is most beautiful to me. Poor Hegai must give his treasures away. His only hope is that I might value the things I take from him, not just throw them into a caravan with all the others.”

I had not realized that I would have to fight not only his body but also my own. Though his words frightened me, it took strength not to arch up against him.

“He has reason to be proud,” Xerxes said. “Your skin is soft and unblemished, and carries the musky smell of a garden after it rains. I will not know until I have had you and the morning light shines upon your face what you look like beneath the mask of powders and juices you wear, but your cosmetics are without flaw. Hegai cannot take credit for all of your beauty though. Servants can put perfume, powder, and paint upon a girl, but they cannot put fire in her eyes.”

His lips were so close to mine I could feel his breath upon them. I feared my body would invite him closer without my permission. I turned my face away and began to cough. The king sat up and told me to sit up as well. He handed me my wine goblet.

“Thank you, Your Majesty. You are as kind as you are brave.”

“And yet you looked away a few moments ago when I told you I rule a world that is not at peace. As though you think me cruel.”

Though he had not asked a question he seemed to be waiting for an answer. When I did not offer one he asked, “Do you blame me for the unrest?”

“Your Great Majesty, I was only nervous, please forgive—”

He waved his hand at whatever I was going to say. I noticed that the muscles of his arm were nearly as large as my head, and also, that the spicy smell of him no longer bothered me.

“I want peace as much as any maiden—as much as you,” he said. “But it does not spring up like a cypress. It must be fought for. The world will not know peace until it belongs to me. Until the empire extends heavenward to god and the sun cannot illuminate anything beyond the boundaries of what is mine. I will make the whole earth one country or I will destroy it.”

I tried to hide my dismay, but still Xerxes must have seen it. “How can I leave any part of a world so beautiful to be ruled by mere men, and how can I leave mere men uncertain of their mortality?” he asked.

I remembered what my handmaidens had told me of Xerxes beheading his own engineers whose bridges were smashed in a storm and cutting one of his subjects in half so his army could march between the man's torso and legs. And I was reminded of my own parents' death at Xerxes' soldiers' hands.

“The Greeks think that they are of a higher breed, more intelligent, more perfect because of their learning and their creation of laws that govern all of their men. As if all men are equal just because they have no king to rule over them. I have no choice but to fight them. If they defeat me in one war I must wage another.”

He narrowed his eyes at me and half-smiled. “I am not surprised to see you flinch. Women are the only creatures upon the earth who do not like battle. And yet they enjoy its spoils more than all others. Do not you enjoy the gold, papyrus, linen, grain, and poppies from Egypt?”

“Yes, Your Majesty,” I said. I could see now that his half smile was full of both sadness and amusement. I was determined not to flinch again. I looked closely at him—surely more closely than one should look at the most powerful man in the world. A man so at peace with war. There was something I could not read behind the amusement on his face. “The Egyptian physicians that I ordered to serve in my palaces are the finest in the world. We are less mortal because I crushed the Egyptians and took what I wanted.”

I blushed so hotly that he would not need to spit in his hand and rub my cheek to see it beneath my cosmetics. I did not give in to the urge to look away. “You are truly a wise ruler. A great king is admired for his conquests, but loved for his gifts to the people.”

Xerxes raised an eyebrow. Instead of responding he took a long drink, perhaps to give me permission to do the same. He waited to set his own goblet down until I had placed mine back upon the marble floor. As I withdrew my fingers the empty goblet teetered. More quickly than I could have reached out to steady it myself, Xerxes leaned over me and caught it in his massive hand.

I did not think to say thank you. I did not think to say anything at all. His head was near my legs and he did not raise it. I had never imagined that I might one day gaze down upon a king. From my vantage point above him I could see his long lashes beneath his prominent brow and the slight bump on the bridge of his nose. He lowered his head farther and kissed my knee through my robe. When it began to shake he placed a hand upon it. His hand was heavy enough, and the force with which he pressed great enough, that my knee was stilled.

Beads of sweat began to run from beneath my arms. “My king, please let me get you more refreshment.”

“Me only? Are you going to fill only my goblet?”

“If that would please you.”

“Fill both goblets and let neither be for only one of us. It would please me to watch you drink from my goblet.” He took his hand from my knee and immediately my leg began to shake again. I moved carefully to the table where the silver pitcher sat and filled the goblets all the way, knowing I would spill the wine at the slightest misstep. When I turned back, Xerxes' eyes were tight upon my hips.

“Come,” he said. “I have more than enough words to fill your scroll. When you have heard my tale I will no longer be a stranger to you. So hurry.”

I must gather my wits. People have put their faith in me.
“You do me a great honor, my king. I have no scroll, but I will write your words upon my soul.”

Even from across the room I could see Xerxes again raise one of his great eyebrows. “Hegai was only to send me one girl but instead he has sent two. One who is silent and full of thoughts she wishes to keep hidden, and one who is bold and never lacks for a more flattering way to say what she has said already. All girls must flatter a king, but only the most beautiful are allowed to be bold. You are lucky for your large eyes and the strange light within them. Otherwise I would grow bored hearing you repeat not only your own words but those of hundreds of girls who have come before.”

I walked toward him. “Please forgive me if I have given offense, Your Majesty. I have never been in the presence of any noble, much less a king.”

“Perhaps you will not be so shy once I have told you of my victories and defeats.”

I stumbled and a few drops of wine spilled onto my feet. I hoped none of the henna would be washed from my skin.

“Yes, I have lost battles. I can say this, because I will not lose the war.” His eyes moved over my body. “Sit, or my desire for you will not wait.”

I lowered myself down upon the cushions just out of Xerxes' reach. There I listened in silence to all he said. I suspected that he was speaking not to me but to his exiled queen, telling her of the war she warned him against, the men he lost, the valor of some and treachery of others. He told her how he had more men than could be counted in one day, and that of all these men he trusted almost none.

“I had so many men in my army that there was not a single head of cattle or stalk of grain left in any town I passed through from Asia to Greece. My naval fleet was so large that there was no harbor big enough for us to take refuge in a storm. I did not count my men until Doriscus. I packed ten thousand men as close together as grains of sand and drew a circle around them on the ground. Then the first men were dismissed and the next ten thousand placed into the circle. We did this over and over again. It took two days to move all of my men into and out of the circle, until finally one million, seven hundred and ten thousand men were counted.

“Of these, do you know how many I trust with my life?” He did not wait for me to answer. “Any man can seem brave as he wins a war. That is no feat. There is only one true test of a man's loyalty: how he fights for you when he knows you will lose.

“Outside my chambers stands a man who cares less for his life than for my honor. He battled hard though he knew victory would not be ours. If I instructed him to drive his own sword into his belly he would not need to think any last thoughts or say anything by which to be remembered. He would not need to take a final breath. His hands would be steady and the task would be over in one thrust. This is the type of loyalty a king should have.”

The faraway look left Xerxes' eyes; he watched me carefully. He set his goblet down and reached for my hands but stopped before clasping them.

“A queen too must be loyal; her fate is tied to her king's. If he has riches she too will have riches, if he has a happy kingdom, she too will be happy. If any harm should come to him, it will inevitably come to her as well.”

I softened toward him for the first time since entering his chamber. It could not be easy to be suspicious of everyone around you. He did not even trust himself: “I think you would be a worthy queen,” he said, “but I have been told I am not a good judge of character.”

My heart began to pound so hard it shook my entire body. Was the most powerful man in the world truly considering whether to make me his queen? I slid off the cushions, onto my knees. “My king, whatever you ask of me, I shall do it without hesitation.”

“Then do not look at the floor as you profess your loyalty.”

I was so near to him that his eyes seemed huge. Despite all he had seen and done, they held as much hope as a child's.

“I am yours to command, great king. No sooner will I know your desire than I will fulfill it.”

“I do not even know your name, but I believe you.”

“Esther, Your Majesty.”

He leaned forward and reached for me with both hands. He pushed my hair back from my face. “ ‘Ishtar' is fitting. You are stronger than all the girls who have come before you and more lovely than any mortal woman could be. Perhaps you are the one I have been searching for.” I was still kneeling before him. He looked deeper into my eyes. “Do you not wonder why I say perhaps?”

“I am too stunned to wonder anything, Your Majesty.”

“You appear humble for one so beautiful. Yet you shun the riches I have acquired for the glory of the empire, in favor of only the strange plate of gold you wear upon your hand. Why did you not take the opportunity Ahura Mazda provided you to dress yourself in jewels before coming to my chambers?”

“I have a wound I did not want you to see.”

“If you did not want me to see it why did you not adorn yourself in whatever gold you could, so this piece would not stand out? You must know that in the morning I often make a gift of the jewels that a girl has worn.”

“That was not the opportunity I wanted.”

“You want to be queen.”

“I want to be
your
queen. I had hoped my loyalty would stand out.”

He looked at my palm. “Show me.”

Was he checking to see if the wound was too ugly for a queen? “It is hard to unclasp with only one hand, Your Highness.”

The plate was held in place by chains whose clasps met on the back of my hand. They seemed to grow tinier as his large hands came near. His nails lightly brushed my skin as he easily unclasped one chain and then the other. The plate fell away from my palm. He placed it beyond my grasp so that my hand lay naked between us. He turned my palm upward. His eyes slowly traced the reddish blue and purple skin that had stopped Halannah's blade before it reached my face. “The best soldiers bear scars. They are badges of honor.” He pressed lightly upon it. “This skin is stronger now.”