Esther (35 page)

I did not want Hathach to witness any emotion that might come into my eyes when I looked at Erez. “You may both resume your duties,” I said as I turned away.

Ruti still had not returned by that evening. I paced back and forth. Where was she? Could the physicians still be tending her? Or had the king changed his mind and assigned her some other duty in the palace?

The two guards who stood inside the door of my chamber did not move a hair in any direction, but I knew they were watching me. Would they tell the other Immortals how I paced, how I seemed agitated, uncertain?

Finally I could take it no more. I would send Hathach for word of Ruti. “Open the doors,” I ordered the guards. Hathach was not outside my chambers. Perhaps he was still finding a new rug. Erez and another Immortal were standing guard on the right side of the doors, and without meaning to I looked directly into Erez's eyes. Because it would appear strange to remain silent, I stupidly asked, “Are you the new members of my escort, the ones the king has chosen for me?”

Erez and the other Immortal knelt. “Yes, Your Majesty,” the man said, “the king has given us the great honor of serving you. We will protect you from any threat great or small.”

“No threat is small. Can I truly trust you—trust your eyes, your daggers, trust each of your words—trust you with my life?” I was too full of emotion.

“Yes, Your Majesty,” he said. “We will guard your life with our own.”

“What is your name?”

“Jangi,” he said.

I stepped closer, so I stood over him. “I want to see your face.”

Though he was older than Erez, perhaps twenty-two or more, his eyes were younger. They were wide and clear and seemed, like a child's, to go directly into his thoughts. His face was nearly flat, like a platter upon which something was being offered to me.

“Thank you in advance for your service,” I told them. “Your task will not be an easy one. Rise.” Erez rose slowly, using a hand to help push himself to his feet. For an instant I wished that I had waved away their obligation to kneel, as I had seen the king do once before. But I could not pass up any opportunity to make men lower themselves to the floor before me. Especially now that I knew the commands of my head eunuch took precedence over mine.

I did not know what to say to gracefully end our introduction. “Thank you,” I said again. “Good night.” I turned and walked back into my chambers without acknowledging the pair of Immortals who had dropped to their knees on the left side of the doors.

The two guards inside my chambers shut the doors behind me, and once more I was alone with people I did not trust. Unlike Erez, my guards and servants were always careful not to look directly at me. If we sometimes gazed into each other's eyes surely I would better know if I could trust each of them, but for the moment I was grateful for their show of respect. I did not want anyone to look into my eyes and know how frustrated I was.

When the eunuch who bore the wine approached, I waved him away before I could give in to my craving.

The next morning, as my servants bathed and dressed me and as they applied my cosmetics, I thought of Erez so near, perhaps too near, and of Ruti, who was too far away. If she returned to me I did not ever again want her to be out of my sight.

When I walked into my reception hall, the same two new Immortals were still at the doors. Hathach had joined them. They knelt, leaving a woman standing by herself. A scarf circled the lower half of her face and was tied behind her hair. The slightly crooked bridge of her nose and hooded eyes were visible. I started to rush toward her but abruptly stopped.
You are queen,
she would chastise me later if I embraced her in front of anyone. She quickly knelt.

It is I who should kneel before you,
I thought.

“Your Majesty,” Hathach said, “the king is happy to return such a loyal and brave servant to his most treasured queen, and he requests the pleasure of your company this evening.”

“Thank you. I cherish the great love my king bears me and I will have my servants prepare me so that I am as pleasing and beautiful as Ishtar herself. You are dismissed.”

When I brought Ruti to sit with me upon my cushions, the other servants suddenly seemed too intent upon their tasks. Their interest was so rapt it was surely feigned. I waved away a servant who was plumping my cushions and had the servant who bore the wine taste it in front of us and leave it. “You are dismissed from my chambers until tonight.”

Once they left, I considered the two Immortals at the door. “We must be within sight of my guards,” I told Ruti quietly, “but we do not need to be so near that they can hear us.”

I led her from my reception hall into my bedchamber. Her sandals whispered along the marble tile as she shuffled after me. When we were seated on my bed I looked at her. Her eyes were guarded. “The debt I owe you is greater than I can ever repay,” I said. “But that will not stop me from trying.”

“You owe me nothing, Your Majesty.”

“I will not carry an unpaid debt upon my shoulders. I will find a way to set it down, one good deed at a time. Now tell me, are you badly harmed?”

No. She did not look me in the eye.

“I wish you would take your scarf off, at least for a moment. I want to hear your voice more clearly and see your face.”

“You should not worry about my face.”

“Every time I look at it I will be reminded of your loyalty.” I leaned closer and Ruti's hand shot up to press the scarf more tightly to her face. She shifted away. “Forgive me,” I said.

“You are always forgiven everything, my queen. You do not need to ask; to do so is beneath you.”

I pulled the royal purple scarf from my head, causing the gold coins to rustle against each other, and held it out to her.

She looked away.

“All should see how loyalty is rewarded,” I urged.

After a moment she turned her head back and looked at it. A little spark came into her eyes. “I will hold on to this scarf better than I held the assassin's dagger, Your Majesty.” The silk caressed my fingertips as she gently pulled it from my hand.

She wandered to the far corner of the room and kept her back to me as she switched scarves.

When she turned around, the royal purple scarf was tied around her head and over the bottom of her face. Her spine was straighter as she came toward where I sat upon my bed. “Tell me, Your Majesty, everything I have missed. You are to be watched at all times?”

She has returned, body and spirit.
I was so relieved that I almost forgot to answer her question. “Yes, I am to be watched each moment. The king thinks I am reckless.”

“I have heard how you walked between the archers' arrows, plucking one from the air.” I could not tell from her tone whether she approved of this. “Perhaps Xerxes wishes not only to look after your safety but also to remind you that you are not a king. However humble and grateful you appeared the last time you saw him, you must appear more so tonight. Then he will not have to teach you of your own unimportance. You must seem already to know it.”

“Vashti was not humble.”

“And where is she now?”

“In his thoughts sometimes when he looks at me.”

“It is commonly believed that people can put whatever thoughts they would like in his head. It is why everyone wishes to be as close to him as possible.” She still had not rejoined me on my bed. “It is you who decides what he will see when he looks at you. Surely you know this?” Her eyes narrowed slightly—so slightly I might not have noticed if not for the scarf, which covered most of the rest of her face, emphasizing the movements of her eyes. “Did you not convince the king to assign an injured soldier to your escort?”

I fought to keep my voice even. “No, of course not. He is the one who kidnapped me so that I was made to march here with the other girls. He is the one from my nightmares.”

“It is better that soldier pulled you from your bed, than a soldier who would have done worse.”

“I had vowed to find out which soldier kidnapped me and kill him.”

“You were a girl when you made such a foolish vow. You have too many real enemies to concern yourself with men who follow orders.”

“I know you speak true, Ruti. I am grateful for your counsel.” Hoping I had convinced her that I had not asked for Erez to be among my guard, I returned to the topic of the king. “I will heed your advice tonight. The king will have the most humble girl in his empire.”

“Then perhaps tomorrow
you
will have the future of the empire in your womb.”

As my servants applied more kohl around my eyes, more pomegranate to my cheeks and lips, and more powder to my face, the butterflies fluttering in my stomach seemed to grow teeth. I remembered the night I had already spent with him and how he had not called me back for many nights since.

Though it was my face the cosmetics were being applied to, it was Ruti they seemed to bring to life. “It is good you are shaking slightly, Your Majesty. The king will like that you are afraid, and perhaps he will not take it upon himself to make you more so. Perhaps he will be gentler.”

When I finally stood in front of the doors that led from my chambers, my face was a mask of cosmetics, my skin was soft and perfumed beneath the crimson gown I wore, and my crown was pinned so tightly to my head that it pulled upon the skin beside my eyes. Around my neck I wore the chain with the eight-pointed star of Ishtar that he had given me. The king had allowed me only one night in which to conceive a son so far. I could not afford to disappoint him. Because I wanted to be fully alert, I had not had even a drop of wine.

I nodded to my guards to open the doors and suddenly I was looking at Erez.

In the torchlight I could see the bruises on his face. Tender, angry bruises. Or perhaps I was seeing with too much emotion. He did not look at me directly, but I knew he looked at me nonetheless.

I did not give him or the other members of my escort any orders. The king had issued a command from afar that made anything I said inconsequential. As we made our way to the king's chambers, I was glad Erez could not see me staring at him, pretending he was the man with whom I would spend the night. I knew I should not imagine such things. I should think of nothing except putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to frown. If I thought of the king—would I do something to anger him, was he angry at me already, would he use this night to try to humble me so I would never again do something as bold as enter the military court—the corners of my mouth grew heavy.