Easy Silence (31 page)

“Can I get two cups of bubble gum ice cream to go?” I was happy to see that it was a much older man who didn’t look much into pop culture, so the chances of him knowing who I was were slim to none. He rang me up, and I headed back to the car with the bag in my hand.

“What is it?” Jaxson asked as I placed the bag on his lap.

“You’ll see when we get to the pond.”

I pulled out of the parking lot, and before I knew it, we were driving down that familiar dirt road that we had been down so many times before. I parked the car, and he grabbed my arm, helping me down the embankment. Part of me was grateful for his chivalry, but the other part was resentful as I wondered if he thought I was too weak to walk down it myself. We took a seat under the same weeping willow where we had spent so many hours during the best summer of my life.

“Cold?” he asked as I pulled my jacket around me.

“A little, just when the sun goes behind the clouds.” He pulled me closer, tightening his arms around me to warm me up. “Do you think we’ll even be able to catch frogs today? Don’t they only come out when it’s warmer?”

“Nah, there’s probably some out there.”

“Well, before we get our hands all slimy…” I opened the bag and took out the ice cream.

“Bubble gum?” He had a pained look on his face that put a smile on mine.

“You promised you would eat some with me.”

He let out a loud sigh and stuck his spoon into the cup. “Jaxson, do you think I’ll finally get to meet her?”

“Who?”

“My mother.” I raised my head and looked up at him. “Do you think she’ll be waiting for me?” He stared straight ahead like he was deep in thought before nodding his head. “I’m so scared. I think about it all the time. What if there isn’t a heaven? What if everything just fades to black, and that’s it? All of these questions…they keep me awake at night. Not knowing what’s going to become of me in just a few short months.”

“Just remember, it happens to everyone, Samantha. There’s no way of getting around it. You just have been given a time frame of when it’s going to happen to you so that’s why you can’t stop thinking about it.” He took a deep breath and kissed me on my head, resting his lips there for some time. “I know there’s a heaven. I always had my doubts about it and a lot of other things, but then I met you. You made me realize that there really is good in this world. You changed me, Samantha.”

“I hope in a good way.”

“In the best way possible.”

He took a spoonful of ice cream and held it up to my lips. I opened my mouth and swallowed it down as he continued to repeat the process. “I am still capable of feeding myself, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling my eyes getting heavier. Between my sickness and the medication I was on, all I wanted to do was sleep. “Samantha, are you seeing a doctor here?”

“Umm—yeah.” I lied, knowing that I had to get in touch with the doctor here who my neurologist in LA had set me up with.

“And as much as you don’t want it…you really need someone to stay with you. What if you have a seizure when you’re all by yourself?”

“I know. Can we just talk about something else for right now? I don’t want to waste the little bit of time that we have together on this. I’m going to figure all of that out. I promise.”

“Okay,” he whispered. “Hey, do you hear that?” he asked.

I listened closely, finally hearing the intermittent croaking. “You think he’s close by?” He nodded and stood up, taking my hand and helping me off the ground. We walked quietly around the pond until we spotted the lone frog at the edge of the water, almost as if he were there just for us. “Do you remember how to do it?” Jaxson asked in a whisper.

“I think so.” I crept closer, bending down slowly, wrapping my fingers around him without even flinching. “I did it!” I smiled triumphantly. Jaxson smiled back as I turned the frog around, looking into his bulging eyes. “Thank you, Mr. Frog for allowing me to cross off another thing from my list.” I stared into his eyes a little longer before I placed him back in the water, wondering if there were frogs in heaven. Sometimes I was amazed by the things that went through my mind.

The clouds were starting to win out over the sun, and the wind was beginning to pick up. I looked up at the sky as the first raindrops began to roll down the bridge of my nose. It was as if everything was playing out perfectly on my quest of final things I wanted to do. “Umm…I think we should head back,” Jaxson said, as the sky opened up, and the rain began to come down in sheets.

I stood still, allowing the cold rain to drench my body. Jaxson gently pulled on my hand to lead me toward the car, but I didn’t budge. “I changed my mind.”

“About what?” he asked as the beads of water dripped down his forehead and off his thick lashes.

“Instead of playing in the rain…I want to kiss in the rain.”

His mouth turned up into a smile. “And who do you want to kiss?” He moved his head closer already knowing the answer.

“You.” My hands covered the back of his head pulling his mouth into mine. Our tongues latched on to each other’s as if no time had ever passed. It was that same sweet familiar kiss, the one that brought out so many emotions inside of me. By the time it was over, we were both drenched, and I was chilled to the bone, but I didn’t care. His kiss was worth every single raindrop and every single chill that ran through my body. “Why? Why is this happening? It’s not fair, Jaxson. It’s so not fair. I love you so much. I waited four long years for you, and now you’re here…and after tomorrow, I’m never gonna see…” I couldn’t even finish my words. I fell to the ground and began to sob uncontrollably. He leaned down next to me resting his hand on my back while I let everything out. “I don’t want to say goodbye to you. I don’t want to.”

“We’re not…this isn’t goodbye, Samantha.”

“But it is, Jaxson…this time it really is.”

He shook his head and kissed me on the forehead. “You’re shivering,” he whispered in my ear, while grabbing onto my hand to help me up as we walked up the hill and back to the car.

I felt so uncomfortable; I couldn’t wait to get back to my grandmother’s to get out of my wet clothes. Unfortunately, the familiar ache inside my head began to stir before we were even halfway there. By the time we pulled in the driveway, my entire body was trembling. I was so angry, knowing that Jaxson had to leave very soon. This wasn’t how I wanted to spend our very last night that we would ever have together. “Hey, are you okay?” Jaxson reached over the seat and swept his hand across my face.

“I just feel like I want to die right now. The pain. I can’t take this pain.” I placed my hands onto the sides of my head while he got out of the car and walked around to my side, helping me out. He grabbed onto my arm and guided me inside. I stumbled, feeling myself beginning to black out. When I came to, it took me a few moments to figure out who was sitting beside me on the living room floor rocking me back and forth. My gaze was perplexed as I stared up into his eyes.

“It’s me, Samantha. Jaxson.” His ability to recognize exactly what I was trying to convey without even saying a word meant so much to me, especially right now when I needed that more than anything.

I nodded while trying to muster up some strength. “I-I’m so cold.” My voice was hoarse, and my teeth were chattering.

He helped me up and led me into my bedroom. “You need to get out of these wet clothes.” I wanted to, badly, but I felt as if I didn’t have the strength. Again, without even needing to relay that message to him, he went over to my dresser and searched through the drawers until he found a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt. I stared at him blankly as he got closer.

“I’m so tired. I just want to sleep.”

“Okay, but you have to put on dry clothes first. You’re shivering. Lift up your arms.”

I did as he said, feeling like I was holding fifty pound weights over my body while the painful drum continued to beat in my head. He slid my wet tee shirt over my head and took off my bra, throwing them both on the floor and replacing them with my oversized sweat shirt. I managed to step out of my sneakers and socks while he unbuttoned my drenched jeans, slowly peeling them off me along with my underwear that were soaked right through. I was undressing in front of him like I had so many times before but not for the reason that I had hoped for. But in my mind, I knew there was nothing more intimate than what Jaxson was doing for me. It was if it was his way of making love to me without actually performing the act. As crazy as it may have seemed, it was even better than sex. Jaxson and I had expressed our love for each other so many other times in that way. Now, he was showing his love for me in a different way. A way that filled me up and satisfied me just as much as making love to him would. It was mature. It was undying, and it was the kind of love that most people don’t ever even get to experience once in their lives. How fortunate was I to have gotten to experience it twice? First, when we had fallen in love and now with him coming back and giving me my dying wish. Each time had been too brief, but each time filled my heart with love and memories that I would forever cherish.

He pushed the wet strand of hair that was sticking to the side of my face behind my ear. “Lie down,” he whispered, easing me onto my bed. I did as he said, waiting for him to lie down with me. He waited until I was all settled before lying down on the other side of me. I turned on my side to face him.

“When are you leaving?” I felt the surge of tears rushing to the surface with the question.

“I have to catch the bus by midnight.” I bit my bottom lip, allowing myself to release the burning in my eyes. “It’s going to be okay, Samantha. I promise you. It’s going to be okay. Don’t be scared. You won’t be in pain anymore. You won’t be suffering. Please be brave. I know you can.”

I nodded. “I’ll try to…for you.”

He nodded and flashed me a quick smile. “Samantha, you have to promise me that you will get someone to stay here with you.”

“I–I will.” I took a deep breath, hating what I was about to say, but knowing there was no way I could watch him leave forever without having a total breakdown. “I want you to leave after I fall asleep. I’m not going to say goodbye to you.”

“Then don’t.”

“Can I do something?” I asked.

“Depends on what it is.”

I closed my eyes and traced the outline of his face with my finger, imbedding it deep into my brain. My eyes remained closed as I moved my head closer to his until our lips were touching. I wanted to always remember what those full pouty lips tasted like and how they felt pressed up against mine. It was a memory that I wanted to take with me for eternity.

“I want to die with the taste of you on my lips, and the memory of your face forever etched into my mind. If heaven truly does exist, that’s what it would be to me.” I opened my eyes with our faces still only inches apart. “I love you, Jaxson. I never stopped loving you. Thank you for always being there for me when I needed you the most.”

He kissed me on the forehead and pulled me as close as I could possibly get to his wet body. “I love you, too, Samantha. Forever.”

Those words that had just escaped his lips were all the medicine I needed to put my mind at ease, allowing me to drift off into a peaceful sleep, but not before I whispered my final words that I would ever say to him. “See ya, Jaxson.”

The funny thing about death is that it really makes you start to appreciate life in ways that you had never imagined. Everything had seemed so much more vivid than it had in the past, like the flowering pear trees just starting to wake from their winter hibernation, sprouting their beautiful white flowers that only lasted a week or two. So much beauty that I had always taken for granted, never realizing how quickly that beauty faded. Always thinking I would have another chance to see it again. The Robin that sat upon the branches in those trees was another reminder of the beauty that existed around me. I had seen countless amounts of Robins throughout my life, seeing them but never really
seeing
them because my mind was always preoccupied with other things. As I got a closer look at one who seemed to be singing a tune just for me, I began to ponder, why they were always referred to as red breasted when their breasts were more of an orange color? Why hadn’t I ever noticed that before? Why hadn’t I taken the time to learn about these magnificent creatures that provided me with such a sense of comfort with their beautiful melodies and their mere presence?

It had been two weeks since Jaxson had left, but I could still feel his presence everywhere. In a strange way, I felt as if he were here helping me recognize all of the beauty around me. I missed him like crazy and wrote to him every day in my journal. I made sure that I only told him about the happy things, like the seashells I found on the beach or the mother and baby deer that I spotted as I took a short walk in the woods. I told him all about the intense connection and the sense of solace I felt with them as they lifted their heads and stared into my eyes while foraging for food. I wanted him to read these entries someday and see how much he helped me come to terms with my destiny. I was so much more at ease with it now than I had been before he had come back to me. I had taken the next step in getting my affairs together and was finally ready to say my goodbyes. I had prepared my list of belongings and finances, making sure that I left something for each person who had meant something to me in life: Hadley, Pete, Bonnie, and most of all, Jaxson. I remember silently laughing as I typed everything out, imagining how angry he would be at me for doing this. He always hated accepting anything from me; he always wanted to be the one to do the giving, and he did. What he had given me in life was more valuable than any material possession that ever existed. My greatest wish was that he would graciously accept what I was leaving him and allow himself to live the rest of his life comfortably without worrying about struggling for money.