Easy Silence (29 page)

“I think I’m gonna wear the blue one. What do you think?”

“Matches your eyes perfectly.” I managed my best smile through the worsening pain in my head.

“Do you care if I check out your jewelry to go with it?” she asked, going through my jewelry box before I even answered.

“Go right ahead.” I was hoping she would find something she liked soon, so I could try to sleep off this headache. Ian and I were supposed to be going to a movie premiere tonight, and I knew right now with the way I was feeling there would be no way I’d make it. I was hoping a little rest would take it away.

“Hey, who’s the hottie you’re with in this picture?” Libby asked, turning around with my mermaid locket that Jaxson had given me in her hand. I quickly sat up and snatched it from her, letting her know that was not an item I would allow her to borrow. “Must be someone pretty special.” She smiled.

“He was…he–he is.” I corrected myself.

“First love?” I nodded. My only love. “Well, why’d you guys break up?”

“It’s just—a really long story. Can you please hurry up and pick out something. I really need to try and sleep off this headache.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…I don’t see anything here that goes. Guess I’m gonna have no choice but to buy something.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” The pain was now becoming unbearable so much so that I felt like I was blacking out.

“Sam, are you okay?” Libby asked.

Libby’s voice began to fade away as a strange aura overcame me, and I began to lose touch with my surroundings. “Sam! Sam!” Libby was gripping my shoulders when I finally came out of it. “Sam, oh my god! What just happened?”

“I–I don’t know.” I didn’t even recognize my own slurring speech. I felt totally out of it and mentally drained.

“You just zoned out.”

“I think I just need to lie down.”

“Sam, I don’t know, that was really weird.”

“It’s fine. I’m okay. It’s just my headache…I just need to rest.”

She looked at me with concern. “Do you want me to stay here while you rest? Just to make sure you’re okay?”

“Don’t be silly. I’m fine.” But deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t. This was my worst headache to date, and I did just black out while I was talking to her.

“I’ll call you later, and will you please make an appointment with a neurologist and get those headaches checked out for once and for all?”

“I promise.” I placed my head down on the pillow and closed my eyes, but no matter how hard I tried, the throbbing wouldn’t cease. I went into the bathroom and dampened a washcloth; lying back down, I placed it on my head, closed my eyes, and fell into a fitful sleep.

I was standing by the ocean dressed only in my nightgown. The cool wind whipped off the water, and my body was trembling from the cold. I turned around to head back to my grandmother’s house, and Jaxson was standing behind me. I was instantly overcome with warmth as I stared into his eyes. He inched closer to me, and I remained frozen. Pushing my hair from my face, he whispered in my ear, “I love you, Samantha.” I closed my eyes, ready to feel his lips on mine only to open them once again to find that he was gone. The chill returned to my body as I stood on the beach all alone, crying out his name with tears rolling down my face. “Jaxson! Please come back to me!”

“Sam.” I awoke to Ian sitting on the side of my bed, gently nudging me. I sucked in my bottom lip tasting the salt from my teardrops that continued to roll down my face. “Hey, are you okay?” I sat up, minus my headache, but feeling completely wiped out.

“Oh yeah, I just had a really bad headache.” He was looking just as handsome as ever, dressed in a very expensive suit.

“Shit! What time is it?”

“Six.”

I ran my hand through my hair. The movie premiere started at seven, and it was a half hour away and that was without traffic. “Shit Ian, I fell asleep and…”

He let out an annoyed breath. “Kendra said she wanted us there to help promote our movie as well, Sam. How the hell could you have fallen asleep for that long? I’ve been trying to call you since two.”

“I’m sorry, Ian. I just felt horrible.”

He stood up and raked his hand through his hair. “You always feel horrible, Sam. You have a headache every other day. It’s like I’m dating a ninety year old woman.”

My jaw dropped. He really was a selfish prick. “I’m sorry if my headaches interfere with your publicity stunts, but they can’t be helped. Believe me, Ian, I wish they could.” He rolled his eyes, causing me to reach my breaking point. “You need to leave!”

“What the fuck, Sam? We’re supposed to go to this together!” he shouted.

“Well, we’re not because I’m not going at all, and you’re free from dating your ninety year old girlfriend because we are so over.”

“What! You’re fuckin’ breaking up with me?”

“Yeah. I am.” I lay back down.

“You can’t fuckin’ do this, Sam! We still have to keep promoting this movie.”

“And we will. Just not as boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“Do you even realize what’s going to happen if the press finds out about this?”

“I don’t care. Now leave, please.”

He stared at me for a little while longer, shaking his head and walking out of my bedroom. I was relieved when I heard the front door slam. I was done with keeping up appearances just to please everyone else. I had done that my entire life, and I was no longer going to continue it.

* * *

After another week of debilitating headaches, I had finally gone for an MRI. My doctor had warned me not to expect a miracle cure. Migraines could be brought on by many different factors that were hard to pinpoint. I completely understood and did it more to put my own mind and Libby’s at ease.

“Oh shit, I have to take this call. It’s Dr. Webber,” I said to Libby, just as we were readying to go into a meeting for my next movie deal.

“Oh, yeah, go ahead. I’ll stall them,” she replied.

“Thanks.” I walked off to the lobby and answered. “Hi, Dr. Webber.”

“Hello, Sam. I got the results of your MRI and would like you to come in to go over some things.”

My heart dropped. I could feel it all throughout my body. Something was wrong. Very wrong. “What things?” I demanded.

“Sam, I would much rather speak to you in person so you can get a better understanding of the situation.”

The situation. What the hell did that mean? “Dr. Webber, please just tell me. What is going on?!” I could hear my voice rising in panic.

“Sam, the MRI results showed a large mass on your brain.” My legs began to shake. I took a seat in one of the chairs when my legs could no longer hold me. “Sam, are you there?” Dr. Webber asked.

“Y–yes,” I whispered.

“I have the rest of the afternoon open for you to come—”

“Please, just tell me now, Doctor.” I continued to press on with my quest, praying that he would give me some sense of hope that everything was going to be okay.

He let out a deep breath into the phone. “We will have to do a biopsy to see exactly what we are dealing with before I could recommend any course of treatment.”

“A biopsy? Of my brain?”

“Yes. It’s common for anyone presenting with your symptoms.”

“You do think it can be removed, right?” I asked with desperation.

“Sam, let’s focus on one thing at a time.” I didn’t like the tone in his voice. “I want to schedule this immediately.”

“Oh, yeah. Okay.” The rest of the conversation was a complete blur. I had a mass on my brain; nothing about that sounded positive in any way.

“I’m going to get you on the schedule for Wednesday.”

“This Wednesday? That’s only two days away.”

“I know. I told you, I want it done immediately.” The sense of urgency in his voice wasn’t making me feel any better either.

I hung up the phone, staring into space. How could this be happening? Besides my headaches, I was perfectly fine.

“Sam, are you ready?” Libby asked, walking out into the lobby to find me. I shook my head, unable to look in her direction because I knew if I did, I would totally lose it. “Sam, what’s the matter, honey?” She sat down next to me and grabbed my hand, and I could no longer keep it together. Through my sobs, I managed to get out most of what Dr. Webber had said, while Libby squeezed me tightly. “Oh, honey. It’s okay. You’re gonna get through this.” She rocked me back and forth, trying to calm me down, but at the moment nothing was going to settle my nerves…nothing except having this whole terrifying nightmare over with and knowing I was going to be okay.

I stood at the water’s edge like I had so many times before, but this time was so much different. The last month of my life was like a nightmare to which there was no awakening. After three biopsies and three opinions, all three doctors concurred with the diagnosis. My brain tumor was the most lethal and aggressive type there was. Inoperable due to its location and the rate of speed it was growing. I was given a prognosis of six months.

So, I escaped the spotlight of Hollywood and returned to the seclusion of my grandmother’s beach house. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going, not even Libby. I didn’t want to take the chance of her slipping to anyone and having to deal with reporters on top of everything else. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want anyone knowing. I didn’t want pity. I didn’t want help. I just wanted to pretend that things were normal, and I was going to wake up to find that this was all one big mistake. I was in complete denial, but it was the only way I could force myself to wake each morning. I was told in detail how my brain would deteriorate, and I was terrified of the suffering I would face.

The dark thick clouds, the chill in the air, and the desolate beach were all a reminder of what lurked around the corner for me in just a few short months. Then ultimately, my greatest fear—death. I pulled my coat tightly around me and shivered, never taking my eyes from the ocean. I had so much to do and so little time to do it. I closed my eyes, breathing in the damp salty air, suddenly overcome with a temporary sense of calmness. I took a deep breath and felt the presence of someone behind me. I turned around, almost knowing who I was going to see, but it surprised me just the same.

His tall skinny frame that I had wrapped my arms around so many times had now bulked up with muscles. His hair was cut much shorter than I had ever remembered, but there was no denying it was him. The love of my life. The man who I would have given up anything for. The man who I wanted to grow old and spend forever with. Now my forever consisted of only six months. I stared at him without saying a word, so much like the first time we had ever laid eyes on each other.

My emotions were reeling. I wanted to hug him because I missed him so. I wanted to punch him for leaving me and coming back now, when any type of a future together was impossible. And most of all, I wanted to throw my arms around him and let all of those emotions come to the surface.

“Samantha,” he whispered as he inched closer to me.

“No…no…no!” I shouted as he took my hand, and I snatched it away. He ignored my protests, pushing my windblown hair from my face. His eyes were different than those sad lonely ones that I remembered; he finally looked at peace with himself, and I wondered if someone else had something to do with that. My heart sank just thinking of the prospect of him being with another woman. I didn’t care if that were the case. All I cared about at that moment was feeling the warmth of his body next to mine just when I needed him most. My face crashed into his chest, and he pulled me close as I broke down completely in his arms. He rubbed my back and kissed me on the top of my head as if no time had passed between us. It was so bittersweet, knowing this reunion was only temporary, and soon I would be the one saying goodbye to him forever. “Why?” My voice shook. “Why did you finally come to find me now?”

“I don’t know…I just did.”

My anger was now taking over. “You just did?! You left me without even blinking an eye. I loved you so much and you just left me all alone!” I shouted.

“I’m sorry, Samantha, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice.”

“You did…” I tried to stop the deep sobs that were escaping my throat. “You did have a choice…but you took the easy way out!” I began to walk away as fast as my legs would carry me. Being here with him was only making matters worse. He was a painful reminder of the life I always wanted and the one I would never have—especially not now. He followed behind me before I finally came to a stop and took a seat in the sand. He cautiously sat down next to me, neither one of us saying a word to the other. He reached for my hand, and I didn’t fight him. I could feel my breathing returning to its normal pace as my emotions began to level off. Why was I so angry at him? If he hadn’t left me, it still wouldn’t change the fact that I was dying right now. Maybe it would be even worse. Maybe we would have had a child together who I would be leaving motherless. The same way I was…a child who would have had to get to know her mother through photographs and old stories. “I’m dying, Jaxson,” I blurted out.

He stared at me blankly, not showing any type of emotion at all. So typical of the man I once knew. “How?” he finally asked.