Easy Silence (30 page)

“I have brain cancer. They told me I have about six months. My seizures will become worse. I more than likely will go blind and probably have a stroke before I become completely incapacitated. That’s what I have to look forward to.” This was the first time that I ever admitted my fate to anyone, even myself. I sucked in my bottom lip to halt the tears. I hated feeling sorry for myself, but when I thought about the hell I would be facing, self-pity seemed like the best defense mechanism.

“There’s nothing they can do?”

I shook my head. “My doctor said chemo and radiation might buy me a few more months…
might
. A few more months of dreading what’s in store for me.”

“I’m so sorry, Samantha.”

I turned my attention back to the water and listened to the waves crashing upon the shore; I closed my eyes, wishing I could go back and relive that summer when Jaxson and I first met. “Where did you go? When you left?” I asked.

“I ended up joining the Army.”

“Are you on leave?” I asked. He nodded. “Did you ever think of me?”

“Every single day of my life.”

“Why Jaxson? Why did life have to be so unfair to both of us? Why couldn’t we be sitting here together as husband and wife, watching our children building sandcastles? Why couldn’t it be different for us?”

“I don’t know, Samantha.” He sighed deeply. “I can tell you one thing. Dying is easier than living.”

“How would you know, Jaxson? You always had this strong fixation with death, trying to act so tough at the prospect of it happening, but would you really be that strong if you knew exactly when it was coming and how it was going to happen?”

“I would. When you have endured hell on earth like I have, death isn’t scary at all.”

“Twenty two years isn’t long enough. There’s still so much that I want to do.”

“Then do it, Samantha.”

“Oh yeah.” I let out a sarcastic laugh. “I’m going to cram sixty years of the future that I’m being robbed of in six short months.”

“Why not? Who’s to say that you even would have had sixty years if you didn’t get sick? No one is ever guaranteed anything. It’s a gamble we take. Each day that we wake up and return to our beds at night, still alive, that’s another chance we’ve been given. You can go out tomorrow and get killed in a car crash and still have never done all of those things that you wanted to do. Maybe being given a time frame isn’t so bad at all.”

I stood up and wiped the sand off the back of my pants. “You’re twisted, Jaxson…You know, I really don’t need your whole philosophy on dying and living right now.”

He stood up next to me and grabbed my arm. “What is it that you want then, Samantha? Do you want me to feel sorry for you? Do you want me to appease you by telling you that maybe they will find some miracle cure for you?”

“No! That’s not what I want at all! I just wish for once…you could show a little compassion.”

“And, I am. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You don’t deserve it, but I’m not gonna sit here and tell you everything is going to be okay because I think you already know that it’s not. I just want you to do all those things you wanted to do before…”

“Before I die. You can say it, Jaxson. You know…I really—I really just want to be alone.” I couldn’t believe my own words. I had dreamed of this day for years. Seeing him again, holding him in my arms, letting him know how much I missed him, and here I was sending him away.

“Okay.” He nodded, still standing beside me. I gazed at him waiting for him to leave, but he didn’t.

After a few seconds, I turned my attention away from him. We stood there silently, staring out at the ocean for what seemed like forever before I finally spoke. “I want to catch frogs and eat bubble gum ice cream.” I wiped the teardrop from my eye, remembering the last time I had done those things and how happy they made me feel. “I want to play outside in the rain and collect seashells, and I want to swim in the ocean again.” Our eyes met, and he smiled, something that used to be so hard for him to do.

He rubbed his thumb along the side of my cheek. “Then do it,” he whispered.

“Will you do it with me?”

He nodded and hugged me tightly, allowing me to completely break down as I finally came to terms that my life was really coming to an end.

* * *

I woke up wrapped in a blanket and lifted my head from the couch. Jaxson was sitting on the chair opposite me, observing every move that I made. “How did I even get here?” I asked.

“You walked inside.”

“I don’t even remember.”

“You were pretty out of it.”

I got up to get my medicine, feeling another headache coming on. “How long are you on leave?” I asked.

“Three days.”

I nodded as I swallowed down my pill. Three days, only three more days, and I would never see his face again. I took a seat back on the couch. “Are you staying with Pete?” I asked. He shook his head. “Well, where are you staying?”

“I wasn’t planning on sticking around. I just stopped off here for a few minutes and wanted to take a walk along the beach…and there you were.”

“Do you have to leave?” My voice faltered.

“I can stay for another day.”

I smiled. “I’d like that.” He nodded and smiled back.

“Shouldn’t you have someone here helping you?” he asked.

“I will when the time comes. For now, I just want to be alone. Well, I mean…I want you here. I want to take care of myself for as long as I can because I know soon that won’t be an option.”

I tapped the empty spot on the couch, summoning him to take a seat next to me. He hesitantly got up and sat by my side. “Tell me everything you’ve been up to. Tell me all about the Army and all the places you’ve been and the things you’ve done.” The jolting pain in my head immediately broke me from my thoughts. I closed my eyes trying to breath though it.

Jaxson didn’t say a word. It was as if he sensed exactly what was going on. He stood up and took my hand. I stood up and felt myself beginning to black out once we reached my bedroom. I knew exactly what was to follow—a seizure. I was so disoriented when I came out of it. My body was trembling as I tried to get my surroundings straight. The only familiarity was Jaxson sitting on the bed beside me. I knew just by the way I was feeling that this was my worst one yet. My entire body ached, and my head felt like it was going to combust.

“Lie down, Samantha.” My vision was still a little foggy, but I could make out the beautiful face that went along with that voice so clearly. I eased myself down to my pillow, crying out in pain. Jaxson lay down next to me and gently rubbed my back.

The throbbing was unbearable; my head felt like it was in a vise that was closing tighter around it with each passing second. My body began to convulse, trying to ward off the pain. “It hurts so badly. Please, make it stop. Make it stop for me, Jaxson,” I begged, wishing I could die right now in his arms.

He continued to rub my back and keep the same calm demeanor. “Close your eyes and think of something that makes you happy,” he whispered.

“I can’t,” I cried. “It hurts too much.”

“You can.” He lifted my hair and kissed me softly on the back of my neck. “You can, Samantha.” His voice was hypnotic. “Tell me what you see when you close your eyes.”

I took a deep breath, trying to filter away the pain and get to a happier place.

“I see two beautiful little girls. One is five and the other is three. Brooke and Emily. They look so much like you, Jaxson. I’m sitting on the beach, watching you jump the waves with them. Their giggles are contagious and so is your smile. You’re such a good father.”

His arms clung around me tighter. “Tell me more, Samantha.” His tone was soft and gentle.

“My belly is about to pop. You’re finally getting a boy in just a few more weeks. Maybe he’ll look like me. We still haven’t decided on a name, but I’m thinking Jaxson, after his daddy.” He pressed his lips against my shoulder, signaling to me that he liked that choice. “We’re so happy Jaxson. We have the perfect life. The perfect family. Everything from our past has gone away, and all we have are happy memories in the making. We’re going to watch our children grow, and we’re going to be there for them through every stage of their lives. You’re going to reluctantly walk your daughters down the aisle to the loves of their lives, and we’re going to watch our unborn son grow into a man, a strong, caring, handsome man just like you. Then we are going to watch them raise their own children. And when the time is right, after we lived a long and happy life doing all of the things we ever wanted to do, we’re going to die together in each other’s arms, knowing that we shared an incredible love that most people could only dream of.” The pain in my head was subsiding ever so slightly, now replaced with a slow tortuous ache in my heart over the future that I wanted so badly, but would never have. I turned around to face him, and he wiped away the teardrop rolling down my face.

“I think our little girls look more like their beautiful mom instead of me.” I let out a loud sob, and he kissed me on the forehead. “They exist, Samantha, in your heart.”

I nodded my head in agreement. “I know they do, and I will keep them with me forever.” I nuzzled myself into his warm chest as his fingertips glided up and down my back, easing my pain with each passing minute as I drifted off into a deep peaceful sleep.

After the first good night’s sleep that I had since this whole nightmare had begun, I awakened, feeling a little disoriented. I sat up and gasped upon finding Jaxson’s side of the bed empty. Had all of this been some crazy dream? I got out of bed and screamed his name, but I heard no reply. Panic was setting in. Was I losing my mind already? I slipped on my shoes and walked out on the beach, relieved to find him standing in our spot. He turned around and smiled as I got closer. “I–I thought you left.” My voice cracked with emotion just thinking about it.

“You were sleeping so soundly. I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Are you hungry?” I asked.

“Nah, not really.”

“Do you want to go for a walk?”

“Yeah, if you’re up to it.”

I looped my arm in his, and we began to walk. “So, let’s pick up where we left off before my headache interrupted us last night. Tell me all about the Army.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Not much to tell.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of places.”

“None that are worth talking about, trust me.”

“Is it intense?”

“Sometimes. It depends.” I could tell it was a subject that he preferred not to talk about. “So, what about you? You accomplished what you set out to do with your life. ”

“Did I?” I stopped and gazed up at him. “The fame, the money, all the movie deals…I would have given all of that up to have a lifetime with you.” He looked away as if my words pained him. “I just hope you know how much I loved you and that I never stopped loving you. I hope the love I gave you somehow made up for the lifetime that you had been living without it.”

“It did. You were the only person to ever love me, and you were the only person I ever loved. No one ever made me feel as special as you did, Samantha. You believed in me when I was at my lowest point, and you were willing to persevere through it for me. I just couldn’t do that to you. I knew that you deserved something better than watching me get sucked deeper and deeper into a depressive state.”

I shook my head. “There is nothing better than you, Jaxson.”

He threw back his head and let out a light chuckle. “You must not get out much then.”

I stared at him questionably and couldn’t help but smile. “You’re laughing and joking.” He creased his eyebrows in confusion. “I like it. I just never really heard you do it before. It suits you well…you should do it more often.”

“It never took much to please you.” He shook his head and looked away. “I just wish I could have given you everything you wanted.”

“You did. You were there for me every time I needed you the most. That was more than I could ever ask for.” We continued to walk quietly up the beach and without even realizing it, we both had a handful of seashells. “Guess I can check off collecting seashells from my list,” I said.

He looked up at the sky. “It looks like it’s going to be a pretty nice day. Are you feeling up to catching frogs?” I nodded and smiled.

After getting ourselves together a bit, we headed outside to my rental car. “How did you get here?” I asked, looking around and not seeing another vehicle in sight.

He cleared his throat. “Oh, I took the bus. I only planned on stopping off here for a few hours and then I was going to be on my way.”

We hopped into the car and headed to Jenks Pond. It would be the first time that I had been back since that horrible day when Jaxson had come to my rescue, just like he always had so many other times before. Looking back now, that day wasn’t nearly as scary as what I was facing now. “You missed the turn,” he said when we drove right past the dirt road.

“I know. One second,” I said, pulling into the parking lot just up the street, hoping that the ice cream place would be open even though it wasn’t the summer season yet. “You wait right here. I have a surprise for you.” I walked around the corner, crossing my fingers in hopes that someone would be there. I hurried up and put on my sunglasses, forgetting that I was in hiding and didn’t want to be recognized.