Children in Her Shadow (25 page)

Dai explained that his war had been spent with the Welsh Guards initially with the British Expeditionary Forces in France in nineteen forty, before going on to Tunisia in nineteen forty three, ending up in Italy between nineteen forty four and nineteen forty five. He gave no explanation of what he saw or what he went through simply saying that he had met and lost some fine friends and good soldiers along the way.

Dai was demobbed in nineteen forty six and explained that he immediately went into the motor trade buying and selling army surplus vehicles of any size or shape and trading in cars and motorcycles. Before turning to Ruth to fill in her gaps since they last met, he explained that he was now living outside London “Where the wife cannot find me.”

He repeated several times that he wanted to see his kids but not her and that the only way this could be achieved was by him occasionally waiting to see them at the school or seeing them when they stayed with his wife’s mother and father. He explained that his wife’s parents had sympathy with Dai describing their daughter as mad not to realise what a good chap Dai was. Dai concluded by explaining that his children were living in Chiswick and he was living above his garage near the Elephant and Castle, south of the river in London.

It was now Ruth’s turn to fill in her gaps and she explained at length her time in Cardiff and her work in the aircraft factory in Blackpool. She glossed over her three children by simply saying that she had previously met someone and that the relationship had broken down so she was on her own. She pointed out that she had only recently been discharged from hospital having had a particularly bad bout of pneumonia and that she was trying to convalesce before starting to find a new job.

They wiled away more than two hours slipping from memories of her childhood and Dai playing ball with her in the street or reading stories to her to the tragedy of broken relationships and how both of them would like to turn back the clock.

There was for Ruth and Dai a deep set of roots that bound them together in a way that only childhood friendships can. They both remarked that when you have known each other for more than twenty years and you have family and friends that bind you together there are no secrets and no hiding places. And yet there were gaps in both their lives, these were people with futures and distinctly opaque pasts.

Having made their purchases from the local shop and stopping many times to speak to people who were keen to see both Dai and Ruth they eventually arrived back at the house. Lott was not surprised perhaps she was even pleased that their short errand had taken so long. It was clear from the previous evening’s conversation that she was keen to see Dai and Ruth together despite the tremendous age difference.

Lott could see that Ruth was comfortable in this older man’s company and for Lott, as she neared the twilight of her own life she needed to see her son and her dear Ruth happy. And it was the matter of Ruth and happiness that led Lott to send Dai off to the Feathers for a drink to allow her the time alone to speak to Ruth. Ruth knew this conversation was going to be inevitable and she was braced for Lott’s questions.

Over a cup of tea, Lott asked about Ruth’s family in Ireland saying that she had not heard a single word from them since they went there. This was the first clue that if Lott had not heard from them she was unlikely to be aware of any of her life since leaving to work in Blackpool. Ruth explained that she had seen them off on the boat from Heysham and had seen nothing of them since then. Ruth spoke about her letters and broke the sad news of Michael’s death in Singapore.

Her story flowed for some time and when she was finished Lott looked at Ruth in the way a mother does, with her eyes penetrating Ruth’s and reaching deep inside her soul. “Ruth there is something you are not telling me, something that has turned the happy girl I once knew into a nervous, guarded and unrecognisable shadow of the person you once were.” Lott went on, “When you were young, you would tell me everything, your deepest secrets knowing that I would not judge you….so tell me now, what is troubling you so much that even now your eyes are darting everywhere to avoid meeting my gaze.”

Ruth was expecting this level of questioning from Lott and was prepared to give nothing away except to say, “I am in love with someone who I was hoping was going to be my husband for the rest of my life and now slowly the woman that was his first love is taking him from me and it breaks my heart. His family don’t like me because I’m Welsh and working class and they are determined that there will be no future for us.” Ruth said no more, there was no emotion, no tears and certainly she was going to say no more on the subject.

Lott knew there was more to say but resisted the temptation to probe further. She did however make one final remark before taking the empty cups to the sink, “It is clear to me Ruth O’Connor that there is more to this story than you are telling and if you decide to go through your life keeping whatever dark secret is inside your soul from those who love you now and who will love you in the future, you will deny yourself the chance to know real happiness and you will forever be looking over your shoulder at the shadow that never lies.”

Ruth needed to hear the wise words of a dear friend and there would be times in her future when she would reflect upon the guidance Lott was attempting to give her, but not today. Today she was pleased that the interrogation was over and that her subterfuge on the surface at least, had held together.

The short break was over all too soon. On the Sunday morning Dai and Ruth left the house together with plans that he would drop Ruth at Cardiff railway station before he set off on his own long journey to London. Lott sent them on their way with sandwiches and Welsh cakes and a long warm embrace. To Dai her parting words were, “Get on with your life, provide for your children and find someone with whom you can spend the rest of your life.”

To Ruth she said, “You are already a broken woman and you need to do the same. Settle down with someone who knows the good person that is still deep inside that sad sorrowful soul and make sure that person brings life back to that beautiful face.“

At Cardiff station there was an awkward moment as Dai embraced Ruth and kissed her on the cheek. He hesitated and then said to Ruth, “What I really want to do is this” and he slowly drew Ruth to himself and gently kissed her on the lips. Ruth was not ready for this though she had become aware that Dai cared for her rather more than she had realised. She also found the protective nature of his warmth towards her strangely attractive and reassuring and so she was careful to leave Dai with the feeling that she welcomed his attention, his embrace and his kiss, but that the time was not yet right for there to be the future that his mother was hoping there might be for the two of them.

Ruth’s journey back to Preston was filled with emotion. She felt that life had returned to her body by being back in the familiar places of her childhood. She had not realised the extent to which she pined for the hills, the warmth of the people and the anonymity from her recent past. She knew at that moment that no matter what the next months and years would throw at her, her future and the chance of any future happiness would ultimately rest in the Welsh valleys of her birth.

Back in Preston, Ruth needed to get a job to top up her funds and to give her the means by which she could decide her future. She pondered the possibility of seeing if there was a chance of returning to the post office in Fulwood but on reflection, there were too many memories, lost opportunities and just too much explaining to do. Factory work was available but Ruth felt she had seen that phase of her life and didn’t really wish to return to it. There were several jobs in shops but Ruth was fearful of bumping into people she knew and so that was ruled out. And then came a job she knew she could do.

The taxi car company Ruth had used previously, just one hundred yards from her room in Fishergate was advertising for an accounts clerk a job she knew she could do well. Ruth didn’t apply in writing as requested on the advert in the local shop window; she simply ran around the corner and breathlessly asked to see John Russo the taxi company owner who she had previously met.

Ruth was lucky, at that very moment John stepped into the outer office and picking up on the threads of the conversation said, “So you’re after the job, come on, come in and let’s have a chat” he said. Ruth could not believe her good fortune and dashed behind the counter, quickly following the man she hoped would become her new boss.

They went into his office and John’s first question to her was, “So how’s your baby?” John’s own young daughter, Sofia was running around the office happily playing and entirely content in her ‘Papa’s’ company. Ruth explained that she had been unwell and that her son was now with her husband. She went on to say that she and her husband were having difficult times but that time might resolve their problems. She gave John her work history and explained how she had run the post office in Fulwood.

Having listened intently he raised his head and said, “You must resolve what is happening that keeps you from your baby but that is not my business. However, I would like you to start work tomorrow and I would also like to give you a pound a week extra if you will agree to be the key holder considering that you live so near.” Ruth leapt to her feet and shouted “Yes, yes.” She left the office with a spring in her step knowing that with a job she could begin to think more about her future.

Ruth started her new job in one of the hottest Augusts’ in recent years but it was also a busy period for the taxi car business. The apparently small business was in fact quite large providing taxis for short journeys, wedding cars and a funeral hearse. She also discovered that through family connections the business was also able to provide charabanc day trips to local resorts and for extended holidays. Ruth learnt that before the war and the ongoing rationing, the business had run trips to Scotland and Wales and the occasional trip to London.

However, Ruth’s first responsibility was to organise the accounts and all the paperwork in such a way that it would be easy for the accountant to do the audit and the business accounts at the year end. Ruth was in her element. She quickly had the office running smoothly and order was slowly brought to the chaotic business accounts. Debtors who took too long to pay were visited by Ruth and a combination of her Welsh tenacity and her female guile rapidly saw the cash flow in the business improve.

It was by now late September and with the night’s drawing in and a chill in the air, Ruth was sitting at home alongside her paraffin heater listening to the wireless when she was disturbed by a knock on the door. She opened the door, expecting to see Marilyn, but there, framed by the open door, wearing a smart grey mackintosh, a trilby hat and fine quality leather gloves stood Edward.

Ruth’s eyes traced his face looking for any signs as to why he might have come to see her. Uninvited, Edward walked into the tidy but sparse room and removed his hat and gloves. “I thought I might come round to see you and to find out how you are doing and to enquire about your health”, he said. Ruth showed Edward to a chair put a kettle on top of the heater and began to prepare to make tea for the two of them.

Ruth turned to Edward and said “Why Edward, after ignoring all my letters asking about the children, why have you come here today and at this hour?” Edward acknowledged that he had received the letters and reassured Ruth that the children were well and in particular he noted that Michael’s health was much improved. In answer to the question why he had decided to come and see her out of the blue like this, his mood changed.

Edward explained that despite all their differences he still loved her and that he thought constantly about her. Ruth retorted, “Well if you love me that much and you’re constantly thinking about me have you ever wondered what it must be like for me to go day after day without seeing my babies?” She went on, “You and your parents and the wicked Aunts have driven me out and you have gone along with it because what you want is Sarah on your arm and me out of your life.”

Edward, looking distinctly uncomfortable tried to explain that he was torn between Sarah and Ruth and that until he had resolved this dilemma he needed to ensure that the children’s welfare was guarded by not bringing Ruth back into the family. He explained that he had considered arranging to meet with Ruth, with the children but explained that Ellen had forbidden it saying that it would be too distressing for them. Ruth was not to know that this was a horrible lie.

They talked for more than an hour largely about their early days together and by the time Edward rose to leave they were at least talking civilly to each other. Ruth agreed that Edward could come back to see her the next week but Ruth insisted that he should bring an article of clothing from each of the children so that she could at least try to feel close to them again. As Edward reached the door he turned to Ruth and kissed her on the cheek.