Children in Her Shadow (21 page)

Ruth knew the routine well, she would wait for the noise of her father returning home from the Feathers pub happy and noisy, and this would be the signal for all the children to be extra quiet. Ruth would hear the sound of her mother imploring her father to be quiet whilst she gathered the pillow cases that were each to be hung on the banister rail, one each for the children. The pillow cases were their Christmas stockings and in each there would always be some fruit, some nuts, a small gift from their parents and in Ruth’s case a gift from Auntie Lott and Uncle Arthur. There would also be a toy, often a second hand one that her father would painstakingly repair and repaint in the workshop at the pit and if the money would run to it, there would be a book and some pencils. But this Christmas was to be filled with expectation for Ruth who had begged for a bicycle and had been told on numerous occasions that if she was good there might be a chance.

And so it was that eventually, her father was sobered or quietened enough or both for her parents to make the short journey up the stairs. The exceptionally narrow stairs always creaked but Christmas Eve seemed a time for them to groan more and to creak even louder as Maeve and a rather unsteady Darragh slowly ascended the stairs. As they did so the children giggled knowing that the tight bend in the stairs with their narrowing treads would always be their father’s nemesis and the point in the evening when the children’s education in vulgarity would be further extended and this Christmas Eve was to be no different.

The stair was reached and it became clear that their mother had navigated the bend before their father because she could be heard whispering, “Darragh, mind the corner… ” That unfortunately was his cue to blaspheme and fall all in perfect harmony. He, two of the children’s pillowcases and what later became clear was a bicycle, descended in a series of bangs, scrapes and the occasional ring of a bicycle bell until the fall ended and the remaining sound was that of her father, who was clearly unhurt swearing and again attempting to renegotiate the stairs. Ruth and the children were in hysterics of laughter muffled only by burying their heads deep in their feather pillows. The pillowcases were eventually placed on the banister rail and after much delay and whispers of ‘have they gone to sleep yet’ the children sent Ruth to slowly bring the pillowcases into the bedroom. And yes this was to be Ruth’s year to have a bicycle, one that had been rebuilt and repainted.

In the loneliness of her flat above the post office, Ruth also rehearsed the movements that she anticipated her own children would be going through that Christmas Eve. Charlotte was now at an age when she would be excited and would be difficult to put to bed. She knew that her children would each have a present from her which she had sent to the house without any return address and without any franking on the package that could reveal where she was living. Ruth had added a simple card inside the package which said, ‘With much love from Mummy. I’m sorry I cannot be with you but you should know that I love you and I think of you every day’ and so she did. Barely an hour would pass without her thoughts drifting to the wellbeing of her children.

That Christmas Eve and the early hours of Christmas morning were spent alone and in tears as Ruth confronted yet again the enormity of what she had done.

On Christmas morning Ruth put on her most voluminous dress and a large woollen jumper that did a marvellous job of concealing much of her large bump and off she went to Maud and Albert’s home. Their home, a small bungalow, within a short walk from the post office, was set a long way back from the main road and although it was winter it was clear that the front garden was well tended and tidy.

On entering the house Ruth could smell that distinct aroma of a home cooked lunch that was so familiar to her as a child in her Senghenydd home. Maud answered the door wearing a large apron over what was clearly her best dress and ushered Ruth in from the cold air. Albert was smartly dressed in a suit and tie and was clearly anxious to make Ruth feel welcome. He took her coat and ushered her through to the sitting room with its welcoming coal fire burning in the hearth.

The fire surround was festooned with home made decorations and trimmings and the evidence of their popularity was everywhere with dozens of Christmas cards, most of them evidently hand made. Ruth passed across to Maud her Christmas card which Maud immediately opened. There was a simple card with a warm message from Ruth but in the envelope there was also a gift made over many nights in her flat. It was a simple calendar that was incorporated into a circular hanging, covered in a pastel material. The edging was a beautifully worked lace that had the finest of small stitching. Maud was taken aback, not realising that Ruth was so adept with a needle and accepted it saying that it would replace the rather ordinary nineteen forty six calendar in seven days time.

Albert sat Ruth down and went to a small drinks table with a number of glasses and a Tantalus containing two fine crystal bottles. He asked Ruth if she would like a sherry. Ruth pondered the question; she had never been one for drink unlike her father who might himself have been overwhelmed by the array of Christmas drinks bottles on and around the table. Ruth was concerned that the medical advice being given to her by her local doctor, an enlightened young man was that pregnant mothers should avoid drink. Politely she responded by saying that she didn’t care to drink but accepted a glass of dandelion and burdock, a delicious hedgerow mead, flavoured with burdock root which was a favourite of Ruth’s.

Despite severe ongoing rationing lunch was plentiful and a taste that Ruth had long forgotten. Maud had prepared a small chicken reared in her own garden, roast potatoes, carrots and Brussels sprouts also from her garden and this was followed by a home made Christmas pudding that had been made months ago. The friendliness and ease of the company was just what Ruth had needed but she remained guarded and cautious when the subject of the conversation turned to Christmas’s past or her parents.

During the conversation, Ruth learnt that Maud and Albert had no children and it was becoming evident to her that their attention towards her was to the daughter they had never had. Ruth became increasingly nervous as the convivial conversation turned towards long term plans and in particular when she was asked outright if she would make a promise to remain at the post office. Albert alluded to the possibility of them helping Ruth to buy the sub post office by letting her purchase it over a number of years. Concern turned to alarm as Ruth realised that this wonderful couple who had taken her to their hearts were soon to be told that she would be leaving their post office to have her baby.

Albert and Maud refused help as they went into the kitchen to wash the lunch dishes. Sat alone and facing the prospect that she was about to add two more names to her list of people she had deceived, Ruth realised that she must act quickly to avoid any further heartbreak and upset of her making.

Ruth waited until about three o’clock before saying that she was tired and needed to get back to the post office before it became dark. As she left the house Ruth was warmly embraced by both Maud and Albert and a small gift was thrust into her hand. The gift was twenty five pounds in cash with a brief note to say thank you for her dedication and her hard work. This was further evidence for Ruth that she needed to resolve her immediate future as quickly as possible so that she could advise Albert and Maud, her employers and now her close friend that her personal circumstances required her to move on.

Ruth returned to her flat above the post office and set about putting plans in place that would clarify where her baby was to be delivered and perhaps more pressing where she would live and how she would fend for herself in the weeks running up to her delivery as well as the immediate period after she had given birth. Key to her planning was to give as much notice as possible to Maud and Albert that she planned to leave the post office and this meant that she would have to be honest about her pregnancy.

For Ruth this was a turning point in her life and she was determined to ensure that this cathartic moment would set her on a course where she faced up to the reality of her situation. She planned to use the experiences of the past few years to help her shape a more positive phase in her life. She knew that she would need to consign the past, and the implications of the decisions she had taken to a place in her memories that would allow her to use them to help shape future decisions and to regain control over her own life so that she could move on.

In the run up to the New Year, Ruth spent time looking for rooms where she could live until after her baby was born. Her plans, agreed with her doctor included having her child in Sharoe Green Hospital in Fulwood. Also, Ruth accepted the advice she was being given by her doctor that Sharoe Green Hospital was appropriate for her, given her history of mental illness because the hospital had a good maternity unit and a sympathetic and sensitive mental health unit.

Ruth found that there were plenty of landlords with inexpensive flats or rooms in the Preston area but once she indicated that she was pregnant landlords refused to take her. But Ruth’s perseverance eventually paid off and she ultimately was able to rent a single room, with shared bathroom and cooking facilities in a large house in Fishergate in Preston, only a fifteen minute bus journey from Fulwood. Ruth secured a six month lease but the landlord demanded that she pay the full six months’ rent in advance. Although Ruth’s savings enabled her to do this it left precious little for her to maintain herself once she gave up work.

Ruth knew that she would need to work for as long as possible before her baby was born if that was to be made possible by Maud and Albert.

By the end of the second week of January nineteen forty seven, Ruth decided that the time was right for her speak frankly to Maud and Albert. She felt that it would probably be better for her to speak in the first instance to Maud and so she took the opportunity at the end of a day when Maud was helping Ruth to ask her to wait behind and have a cup of tea with her. They went upstairs and Ruth made tea for the two of them and they settled down at the kitchen table.

Ruth began by saying that she felt a duty to Maud and Albert to give them as much notice as possible that she planned to resign her position at the end of February. Without pausing, Ruth went on to explain that she had rented accommodation in Preston which she would take up in the first week of February making it possible for a new employee to use the post office accommodation that went with the job without any difficulty.

Maud sat quietly listening to the information she was being given and when Ruth had finished, she placed her hand on Ruth’s and said, “We have known for some time that you would be leaving and although you have omitted to mention it, we suspected that you must be pregnant….” Ruth saw no point in concealing the truth from Maud any longer and filled in the gaps by confirming that she was pregnant and that the baby was due in the first week of April. She prompted the inevitable question and told her that the father was her estranged husband who she had left for personal reasons.

Maud looked unsurprised and, continuing to hold Ruth’s hand she said, “This part of Lancashire is very small my dear so we have known for some time that you were married, we also know the Carmichael family, not personally but through friends. I’m sorry to say that you are being cast as a wicked woman by them, someone who has abandoned your children, your husband and a loving extended family.”

She went on, “You will probably have a different view about that portrayal but what Albert and I have seen is a hard working good woman who is clearly troubled by what has happened. But this does not colour our view of the person we have grown to know and care for.” Ruth was touched and began to cry. She tried to explain her perspective of what had happened but it was hard to counter the general opinion that no matter what the circumstances, leaving your children was a wicked sin.

Maud returned to the immediate challenges and suggested that Ruth had been wrong not to take her into her confidence earlier and suggested that Ruth’s plans to move out were hasty and ill considered.

That may well have been Maud’s opinion, but given the shock news that Maud, and presumably many of the people in Fulwood were aware of her past, all that Ruth could contemplate was executing her plans to leave as rapidly as possible.

Whilst Ruth acknowledged and had tried to rationalise her past decisions she could see no circumstances in which she could now remain in Fulwood. Ruth brushed away her tears and in a new found assertiveness said to Maud, “I have reached a decision that I should move on in my life. Having taken that decision the most important aspect of my future is to plan for the birth of my child away from the distractions of the past and my work.” She suggested that she move out of the flat as planned at the end of January and leave her job at the end of February or early March if that would help. Maud could see that Ruth was not to be persuaded and their conversation ended as it began in an amicable and understanding way.

The following day, Albert came to see Ruth and having tried to change her mind about leaving, he too accepted the inevitability of the situation. He sat her down and in a purposeful but deeply caring way he explained that he and Maud would like Ruth to come back and see them after the baby was born and discuss with them again the possibility of her taking over the post office business as previously suggested.

These kind words and expressions of continued confidence and trust in Ruth were a boost to her confidence but she was resolved to move out of the area, though she did not mention this. Albert rose to leave and explained that he and Maud had someone in mind who could step in to run the post office in the interim that would be available from the beginning of March.

As he turned to open the door, Albert thrust an envelope into Ruth’s hand and gently squeezing it as he explained, “The next few months will be expensive for you so this is just a small gift to help you along the way and to again say thank you.” The small gift was five ten pound notes. Ruth deposited these in her post office savings account knowing that this would provide the additional financial security she so needed.