Candy Darling (11 page)

anyway he is a troublemaker

I dreamed that some woman, a youngish looking woman, Lee Grant, was driving me to a hospital. There I saw Ron Glick, who had become rather deranged but was still attractive. The woman turned out to be his mother. He didn't recognize me immediately. I said “Remember me? Candy Darling from Andy Warhol's factory.” He put his arms around me and was laughing, when his mother was leaving he asked me to stay. I did. We realized that we loved each other. He begged me not to leave; I said I never would.

Dear Mrs. Vreeland,

I understand from Sam Green that you are interested in movie stars of the 1940s. Since I have spent the majority of my waking time watching old films on television, Mr. Green feels I should be by now an expert. I have divided these players into 5 categories.

Leading Ladies, Sultry Sirens, Ingenues

D. McGuire

also discovered in late 40's

Arlene Dahl - Tony Curtis

Ava Gardner - Janet Leigh

Shelley Winters - Debbie Reynolds

English Imports

Vivien Leigh, Laurence Olivier

Jean Simmons, James Mason

Deborah Kerr, Merle Oberon

Greer Garson, Stewart Granger

Bob Hope, Lily Palmer

People you love to hate

Strange Ones & specialists

Vincent Price - Boris Karloff - John

Carradine

Bela Lugosi, Sydney Greenstreet,

Gale Sondergard, Peter Lorre

Mae West, Sonja Henie

Mercedes McCambridge

Gene Autry, Roy Rogers & Dale Evans

Lon Chaney, William Boyd (Hop)

For
Vogue

Whenever I get tired of getting made up and I feel blah and wearing dark glasses and just withdrawing in general, I do just that, I take a day and do whatever I want. Read, go to a movie, rest, watch T.V., and eat. Go to the A&P and buy everything, come home and eat it. Visit a friend, go shopping, in general get “revitalized.”

No romance in my life, so I feel it is best that he does not call. Even though I long to be loved by a man, I know it cannot be. I must live without love. It is the cross I must bear. I must accept what is.

I think I see a place where I could use a silicone injection above the upper lip and near the nose.

The Greta Garbo Home for Wayward Girls

I'll be waiting in the other room, you'll recognize me. Just look for the blonde on the divan. I'll be wearing a warm heart in my left lapel.

You are what you Eat Salad

1 head lettuce (iceburg or romaine)

2 sliced tomatoes

anchovies

½ cup walnuts

separate 3 egg whites

use yolks

whip yolks

2 T olive oil

whip

½ t dry mustard

½ oregano

wee bit of lemon - now work it

add a flurry of salt

Tonight I met a boy who wants to be my slave. He calls me goddess. Kathy, I don't think you can understand these things. You are so simple and I so jaded—not really worldly, let's say.

You will be surprised to know that Jane Fonda's husband Roger Vadim, who was married to Brigitte Bardot, is in love with me. I was out with him last night. He told me he loved me so much that he would fight a war for me. I gave him a silver ring with a turquoise. He kisses me and holds me in public because he is truly innocent and cares not what people think. I always feel I have to protect him. We have not been to bed together.

Last night was the last night of my two week play and at the end I changed it around. I played a woman who invited her ex-family over for a reunion. It was called “The Reunion.” Her family did not like her because she is mad. I felt the play lacked sufficient drama and did not allow me to show everyone what I am capable of doing, so because it was the last night and because Vadim was there, I changed the ending. I went into a long monologue, laughing, screaming, and crying. When the writer (who is also the director and also works the lights) saw this, he turned out the lights but I kept on, even on a
black stage
! Actually it wasn't even a stage, it was the back room of a bar on East 3rd St. called the Old Reliable. After the show everyone was coming over to meet Vadim. I didn't know how to act, because when average people meet someone who is famous they think that they can turn over their problems. Even the owner of the bar was telling Vadim of his problems, how he'd like to have a bigger place, etc. But Vadim has this quality of being like a savior. And I know I have a look of refinement and nobility which is sometimes thought of as being angelic and ethereal. Perhaps people think my touch will heal them. Why must I be deified? It is such a burden. I don't know what else to say, I better end this letter. Be sure never to throw my letters away but put them in a safe place as someday they are sure to be worth money, and it will be your good fortune to be prudent now. Besides, I may wish to look them over myself someday when I write my memoirs. When will your telephone work? Would you like me to visit sometime? I would love to come with my manager, Sandy, or a boy friend. Yes, in spite of all the places I've been I'm still not able to take care of myself. Write to me soon, I'm sorry for the delay.

Love

Candy

Dear Kathy,

Please tell me why you haven't written to me by now. I mailed you a letter some time ago and it is not like you not to write. Didn't you get my letter? I would be absolutely sick over it, so don't lie. I wrote all about my affair with Roger Vadim, Jane Fonda's husband. I will die if you didn't get that letter. I was in
Vogue
March 1 and March 16.

What do you mean I'm not alluring enough, maybe my name isn't Tondelaya but I've brushed off more men than the porter at the Waldorf.

There are people that wanna
be
that can't
be
so they put something on so they can.

I already know a lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly know anyone else.

Everyone needs some portion of Leadership. Look for opportunities to be of service. Set definite goals—plan purpose and strive to be the best thing you can be

weigh the consequences

Conscientious leadership spreads divine light and love. Be patient—wait for the right time. Temptation to quit and take it easy.

inspiration

ask holy spirit to breathe into you

Do what you can because there are many things that need doing.

Maybe by the time my nails are a decent ladylike length I will be rehearsing for a play, maybe the one Jeremiah and Burt are writing for me (if it's any good). I like the title, “Camille's Cough.” Do not know what is happening for Thanksgiving. It snowed, so Warren and Mary Ann did not come down. I am going to call Senator Halpern tomorrow for my mother. I told my mother I want Diana (Burt's sister) to come and live with us if I get a show. She can be my maid and companion. Please God if you hear me, grant this wish, Jerry Bradley wants to help me with a nightclub act. Luciano says I can open in the back room of his bar. Jeremiah said Eileen thought I was so beautiful.

It is now November 24 about 4:00 a.m. Today is my birthday and I am happy. Ron Link called me and told me that Jackie did not show up at Ron Delsener's office. I want to do “Glamour Glory & Gold” more than anything. I will have to wait around Max's some night until Jackie comes in and bargain with it. My nails were completely bitten to the quick last night and I have promised myself that I will never pick or bite my nails again and from now on I will apply RRP nail conditioner every night. Tomorrow I will have to wax my arms. Jeremiah is such a dear, he called and wants to have a party for me. I hope we are friends forever.

I am not a genuine woman but I am not interested in genuineness. I'm interested in the product of being a woman and how qualified I am. The product of the system is what is important. If the product fails, then the system is not good. What can I do to help me live in this life? I shouldn't be disturbed all the time. The main thing is will. I benefit by it.

Saturday June 3, 1972 8 p.m.

Steven is here. Last night I went to the Everything is Everything ball. It was fabulous. I met a lesbian who was tall, strong, and beautiful. There was a model there who was so beautiful she made me look like a frog. It's all so unreal. I met a man there English Taylor introduced me to worth 20 million, but Taylor exaggerates. He said I was so beautiful it was staggering. He finally left and I was left with the lesbian. She was marvelous, she looked like a young boy. I became very depressed I couldn't get the guy I wanted. I am filled with frustration and anxiety. Last night I prayed I would die and pictured myself in a coffin having the lid slammed down shut, thrown in a grave and dirt thrown on top and a steam roller going over my grave. I feel that hopeless and forsaken. I'd do anything for the right lover but I guess I don't do the right things. I received some pictures in the mail today from A.I.P. I looked just awful. I do want to get my nose done and electrolysis. I have to go to Gertz to buy the perma-tweez. I'll try it, I hope it works. I don't think I want to be a woman anymore, I can't be. I'm too strong. I think when I come back from France I'll go to another city like San Francisco or something and live as something else, but a creme puff I'm not. There is a strong side to me. I want to be like Terry. No more mistakes though, and no more laziness. I've got things to do and I won't rest until they're done. I don't have to act like a woman or a man, just be myself. Maybe I'll go through primal therapy.

My father just called. I told him of my plans to go to Paris. He said, “Don't be too easy.” I think he's right. In closing he said, “Good luck Jim.” From now on maybe it would be best to live as a robot for other people and not look for self gratification and self glorification. I do have feelings for other people and it should make me happy to make others happy, but I'm very sure that there is no love or personal happiness for me in this world, this is an incarnation where I must work it out to make up for the past and provide for the future. Today was caused by the past and the future depends on today.

I just saw a picture with Aldo Ray when he was young. What a hunk of man, I'd love to have a man like that—
tonight
! I feel like getting dressed up and going out looking for a man. I mean I'm desperate.

I'm in hot water if she ever finds this letter. I am going to pray so not to see this person anymore. Last night she wore striped bell bottom pants with white go-go boots that had bells on them. These boots are so designed that they are suitable only for a short dress. They're the kind that are cut out in the front and have a bow. Also a silver leather coat with a belt from the early '50s. Are you getting the picture? Isn't this beauty? A green tiny head band scarf with white polka dots. A leather beatnik pocketbook. She looks like a walking junk shop.