Candy Darling (10 page)

Him—out. Her—out where. Him—look just leave me alone—she slaps him they fight! He beats her she runs into bedroom falls on bed crying. After she's all cried out she very composed gets up slowly very dignified and walks calmly out of the room.

Dec.

I just finished doing my hair. I bleached it this morning (again I didn't leave it on long enough) and I used balsam and Roux white minx rinse. I'm going to let it dry partly and reapply it. Yesterday in the mail I received a letter and wind up toy from Kathy.

There exists a whole subculture of people that are movie star oriented. There are many women who try to look like Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Novak, Veronica Lake, Jackie O.

You shouldn't look so disapproving, Lavinia. It makes you look older and age will come soon enough to destroy that pretty face. A thing of beauty cannot remain so forever.

I'm a thousand different people. Every one is real.

The Moments

Love on a Two

Way Street

Mother,

Will you wake me up before you leave?

I need time. I've got to figure out what I am.

Candy Darling Candy Darling

Candy Darling

the manner in which you

answer the question and

not the specific answer

Broad road to destruction.

Do not allow the mind to be affected

by the world.

Human nature motivated by sin.

Opposition to God is bound to be punished

Following Godly will cost you

1. Repent      2. have faith      3. Obey

Dear Niel,

It was so nice to hear from you. I'm glad to see you are doing well. Everyone from Mervyn's class is doing well. That's because they are all so good (not as actors, as souls). Dana I know is in Japan giving the oriental populace a few thrills. Perhaps right now some suave Japanese man is showing Dana his junk. Some actors are so desperate to reach their goal that they never make it. I mean they reach their goal in the acting profession but never make it as people.

Tell Maria I said hello. Has anyone else over there even heard of me? By the way, I am in Jan. & Feb.
Photoplay
, Dec.
Esquire
, Dec.
Nova
, and the March issue of
Vogue
! I know I'm destined for stardom because when I walk along the street I sometimes see people staring at me and pointing. And the other day I overheard one woman saying to some man “I know where she belongs!” Also while uptown on a bus I had a tremendous black velvet slouch hat on, a trench coat, (knotted around the waist), and large dark glasses with aurora borealis trim, and when I put the two dimes in the machine the bus driver called me back and said “It's thirty cents Greta.” Around the village I'm affectionately known as “the actress.” My friends have many pet names for me, like Marlene D-Train to Queens, Mamie Van Doorway or Diana Doorways. Instead of Audrey Hepburn, Tawdry Heartburn, Tana Lerner. All of these things combined (last week I went to IFA and was
so glamorous
that I overheard a man in the outer room gasp out loud). Also the receptionist told the agent I was trying to see that “this one must be seen to be believed.”

Everyone's married and I plan to also. Yes Pat. I have decided to be sex changed. I am too female to be half & half. There is a very good book on the subject written by Dr. Harry Benjamin, “The Transexual Phenomenon.” I think you should read it, Pat, it would be fascinating to you both. Let me know what you think of this step I want to take.

You asked me about writing to Valerie Solanis. I think you should. I know she did a terrible thing but she has paid or is paying for it and she needs a friend. It is very thoughtful and kind of you and you should do it.

Imitations of Barbra Streisand living in cheap flea bag hotel.

Do you think I like eatin' bean soup and peanut butter for strength and protein instead of steak? Well, I don't like it. Do you think I like this mop of goldish red hair instead of the darkest ash blonde with tan pearl streaks? Well, I don't like it and I don't like wet cakes and day old bread either and I'm tired of going to beauty culture schools for a permanent. I'm just, tired, Frank.

Take your head out of the washing machine, mother, or you may get a sock in the puss. Talk about inflation. Do you know pumpernickle is now pumper dime. What a band—they only time they finish together is when they're eating. If you're driving, watch out for children, they're lousy drivers.

The only thing to do is make a remake of
Myra
.

Myra watching television in crummy room. Brigitte Bardot picture closeups of Bardot and closeups of Myra looking envious. Next scene, Myra goes out to dept. store done up as Bardot, walks over to counter and asks man for sex? Before leaving store buys dynel fall, doesn't have it put in bag, just puts it right on. Should be done in Macy's.

Then imitating Barbra Streisand.

With high heeled boots, she whips furniture with a belt.

While she's cooking, she's yelling I gotta get that bastard's money. I gotta get money—

CUT

next scene—colored boy or girl friend named Platinum—she half runs half walks across the room and hits him with her coal screaming Shut Up.

for Rona Jaffe

You better act right cause I'm gonna be in around here and I play favorites. Now sit in the corner and see if you can keep your bee-stung mouth shut. Ya little chatterbox two face—

She starts up

Take your nose job and get out.

She leaves furious.

MYRA I'm only kidding darling come back Rona.

Myra is beating eggs for Rusty faster & faster as she looks at his crotch.

Candy Darling is the worst woman in the world

as MYRA

Oh you Beautiful Doll

When I went into the beauty shop Cinandre the other day I went into the room to change into a smock and forgot which side to wrap it to.

All of the protests imbued with political views and social criticism that I am usually made to feel embarrassed by my lack of knowledge. I am used to watching television with my friend who is a U.N. diplomat and having him explain it all to me. Sometimes I may disagree on a point but I feel that he knows better than me. I'm not saying that all women should be like me. I'm just saying that my intention or guardian angel or whatever that steered me to a right thinking man steers me right away from Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem. They both come across very hard to me and I don't like hardness, especially in women. I've seen a certain hardness in certain men like Robin at Max's K.C., but it's a hardness that only covers up something good and gentle and I find that most exciting. But it is my opinion that Betty and Gloria are hard all the way down right to the bone marrow. That Betty has a purpose: I don't know what it is but I have my suspicions. (I can't forget the visual image of her standing on a platform in Bryant Park like a field marshal). I would chicken out on a real debate with her. It would take a man to stand up to her. I see the day coming when the words femme and butch will be more commonly used. I mean to be used for heterosexuals not just gay or bisexual. Think of the interesting types.

Female—Heterosexual—type—

Basic Butch—the drag type with femme overtones.

Raq. W. / J. Craw. / Jane Russell

Basic femme—Butch overtones Greta Garbo

Basic femme—femme overtones M.M.—L.T.

Relax you'll tear my dress.

So what I paid for it.

Why does everyone dislike you so much? Because they're all a bunch of phoneys. Even if they are all a bunch of the phoniest bastards in the world why do they all not like you? Whether they are or not, to strike fear in people is not a good thing to do and you will one day be sorry you ever did this. To argue a point with you is useless, you never give in and I know you feel this is your forte. Remember, you may win the argument and get the better of someone, but you lose a friend and create a feeling of bitter resentment.

If you're so goddamned smart, did you know that your good friend that blonde German made 13 television shows over in Germany and I'm in practically every one of them. And
Flesh
is the biggest movie going over there and they (the Germans) asked for the stars to come over and Paul took Joe, Geraldine, and Jane Forth on a tour with
Flesh
. Jane didn't have to go. Why should Jane go? Paul doesn't even like her, he calls her that dumb thing, misery and Baby Biafra. But she's so cooperative and does whatever they tell her. Why didn't you get in touch with Bert? Now they're going to promote Holly. Can you believe that? They're sending Holly to all the photographers. She went to this big party with George Plimpton and Tammy Grimes. She's in the Times and I'm the forgotten woman. George asked why I wasn't being taken to Europe and Paul said “too much trouble, too too much trouble. Sandy'll be up here and she'll want to go and then they'll be another fight. She has bad vibrations.” Don't ever think you're going to work for Tom Ward Agency because you never will. That's when you started treating me like a piece of shit. You thought you were going to have a big important job.

Sunday August 29, 1971

Love is not for you yet. Work, be real, follow your intuition, spend time alone to learn truth. Be wise. The only real thing is to be alone and do your work. Be very careful about every move you make. The future depends on the present. Read this over every morning and add to it when you want. I must honestly say that I believe I am here for a life of suffering, sorrow, and longing and not to have it relieved until my death. Always have 5 dimes. And every telephone number. My heart is broken. I don't believe he wants my love, that's what I want, that's what I need. That's what I long for. That's what I've never had and am afraid will not get. Will my life just be a torture test of endurance? To not be able to have what you love is the most bitter pill to swallow. But I hear that if you can learn to love God he will always be with you and you will not need human love.

Human love, that's a good title for a picture. Whatever I get I can dedicate my life to beauty, love, and goodness. If God will give me my love, I will promise to always follow his guidance. Maybe Richard does love me. Maybe he thinks I don't love him because I didn't go to the movie with him and Paul Ambrose last night. I will try again. After all, he's sensitive too. He kissed me on the back of my neck. He sang in my ear. He said something to the effect of falling in love at the party. It's my consciousness that needs to be raised. Yet still I believe it cannot be. Am I in hell?

Monday, August 30, same time

I feel much better. Tonight I must pray for Chuck's love to come to him.

I don't mind that little smile around a person's face when they talk about me.

Look for meaning.

Sermonette

I was always and still am to many who knew me, family, school mates, friends, an inferior (inadequate) person. In a second-class position. This is not to say that I was unable to draw affection, and even respect, but the affection was mingled with sympathy. The respect was given me because of my aloofness.

I feel like I'm living in a prison. There are so many things I may not experience. I cannot go swimming, can't visit relatives, can't go out without makeup, can't wear certain clothes, can't have a boy friend, can't get a job. I see so much of life I can not have. I am living in a veritable prison.

It took place here in the house. Tryon was here spouting words of wisdom. I had been married to Elvis Presley. Larry S. was here, and Owen. Lightning was near. I came into the kitchen & saw Tryon taking money out of my mother's drawer. I asked him what he was doing and he said it was a magic trick. Lightning struck the house. I ran into the bedroom. When I came out, Owen & Tryon were gone. I put on a black hat like Robin Hood and pancake makeup and followed him in the storm. He took a lot of money & left only a $10 bill.

Roux
¼ oz 18 - ¼ - 42 ½

peroxide

rapid hair lightener

Permanent color

5–50% grey select exact color and leave on

25 minutes to match natural color

To brighten natural color select 1–2 shades lighter and leave on 25 min. only.

For maximum brightness—

select desired shade & leave on 45 minutes. The lighter the color used the greater the lightening action.

For more than 50% leave color on 45 minutes.

For more than 50% for lightening & brightening grey select 1 to 2 shades lighter

Leave hair around 6

Virgin head leave fine hairs and ends until job is completed … leave 25 minutes keep it wet.

French Fluff 1 oz., oil bleach. 3 oz. peroxide, 3 oz. shampoo

Glamour bath. 1 oz. tint, 3 oz. peroxide, 3 oz. shampoo

Last night I saw a fabulous movie with Ginger Rogers, Doris Day (ugh!) Ronald Reagan, & Steve Conchran. It was called
Storm Warning
and they whipped Ginger Rogers. Yeah! She was a witness to a murder by the Klu Klux Klan and Doris Day's husband Steve Conchran found out what she knew so he called the other members & they took Ginger to a big rally and two men held her and another whipped her. HA HA HA. Serves the dirty wench right. Then Ginger's sister Doris Day arrived with Ronald Reagan (the district attorney) and the dope thought she was going to stop all these thousands of Klu Klux Klan members. (The bleach must be going to her brain.) Anyway she got shot right in the gut by her own husband, that's what made it so fabulous.

79 First Ave.

Massapequa Pk.

New York 11762

Dear Werner …

I just finished watching
The Damned
and it reminded me to write to you. It is right that I do not write to you in so long. You probably do not want to hear from me anyway. Paul Morrissey told me when he met you in Munich he got the impression you were not very pleased by my performance. I was sorry to hear this. I do not know why people use me at such great expense. I don't think I'm as good on film as on stage. I am like Candy Bergen. The two Candys are just alike.