Candy Darling (9 page)

Hi Tommy,

Surprised to hear from me? I never thought I'd be writing to you. I've been up all night alone, wondering about my identity. I'm living on East 6th St. now with a straight couple and a couple of drag queens. One of the queens triggered me off, trying to look for an explanation for living in this strange stylized sexuality. She asked me when she got in drag what I felt she looked like. Male or female. I tried to tell her there is no feeling about it. Realization cuts feeling off. I tried to explain my identity as being a male who has assumed the attitudes and somewhat the emotions of a female. I've been slowly strangling my ego. With the ego and fear I haven't many people to classify myself. The role is rather drab and without glamour and mystery. I don't know which role to play. I would like to live with someone whom I could—

July Friday p.m. 1970

Today is Jim's birthday. I am on the Long Island R.R. on my way to see him. I am suffering again. Desperately desire lover. Want to please a man. Despise my body. Will appeal to God to help me.

What type of society is it that every malcontent is free to rear their ugly head and shout for rights?

date: Saturday July 8, 1970

condition of hair: very dirty, heavy regrowth in back of head, light regrowth in front, tangled, not smooth

material: ultra blue-starting at back right to back left to left side to right side. left on 1 hr. - result lemon color roots few black spots. Born Blonde beautiful beige. 30 mins.

I will never break anyone's heart or hurt anyone's feelings. I will be good and helpful to people around me. I will work hard every day. Don't be a fool. Anyone can be beautiful. At least anyone can have beautiful hair.

Always say and do whatever you feel but not obnoxiously as some rebels do. Stand up for what you believe in and do what you believe in. Be strong. Only a lack of humility and truth can defeat me.—Be a perfect angel.

The name you choose for yourself is more your own than the name you're born with.

I am an irrestistible magnet with the power to attract unto myself everything that I divinely desire, according to my thoughts, feelings and mental pictures I constantly entertain and radiate. I am the center of my universe! I have the power to create whatever I wish. I attract whatever I radiate. I attract whatever I mentally choose and accept I am choosing accepting the highest and best in life. I choose and accept health success and happiness. I now choose lavish abundance for myself and for all mankind. This is a rich friendly universe and I dare to accept it for its riches its hospitality to enjoy them now.

I dreamt of a nightclub with the atmosphere of a beach. One wall a tide like an ocean, real sand, waiters dressed like beach attendants.

Dear Kathy,

It's Wednesday morning Dec. 16, 1970, 5:30 a.m. I got up a little while ago. There is a storm outside. The wind is very scary. Every morning I have coffee and cookies for breakfast. I'm having it now. Thank you for the wind up toy and it's always nice to receive a surprise. It's a good thing you did not come to the party. I'm glad you didn't. First of all, these unexpected people showed up and left a boy there who was mentally retarded. Every time I moved he would sit right next to me.

Jeremiah said, “Do you want to sit down in the next room?” (knowing he was cookoo) and the boy said, “No, I want to sit right here next to her” and every time I looked at him he'd look away in shyness. Well we looked in his wallet and found his name and address in Connecticut and called his parents at 2 a.m. He had been missing for two weeks (I was
not
surprised) and said they were grateful and they would drive right down and be at the apt. at 6 a.m. if it was all right with us. Naturally we said yes and at about 6:30 a very normal looking man with two sons appeared at the door and was very appreciative. There were tears in the eyes. It was very touching and Jeremiah even refused the $20 which the father pressed into his hand in gratitude which will give you a clue to his character. (I do hope the man didn't hear me whispering “keep it we need it”) Ha Ha.

Between the time we notified the parents and we unloaded him, another drama took place. At about 3 a.m. there was a beating at the door. When the door was opened, a Negro prostitute dripping with blood was seen. We took her in and gave her a seat. She had been stabbed in the head, or slashed or something, and was bleeding all over. I did not know what to do for the poor thing but I felt faint from the shock of it. Jeremiah again acted wisely and called the emergency squad. A few minutes later the police were there. My guests were absolutely mortified and most of them left (all the nice ones). Those who are amused by this sort of spectacle stayed to see what would happen next. Besides the two events mentioned, there were several heated arguments. One of my dear friends spit in another dear friend's face. I was not flattered when I saw the bathroom door had been beaten in and was lying on the floor. One girl had her clothes ripped off and fell on the bed in a flood of tears. There were, of course, the usual thefts (many of my presents), the animals had to go in hiding, Gary was yelling obscene things to people on the street, and Burt broke a bottle of bourbon on the kitchen floor. All in all it was a marvelous party dahling.

I was on television last Tuesday, you will be surprised to know. I did a song and dance and was interviewed.

There are men who are miserable creatures who only want to ogle girls and fulfill their own miserable lusts and then turn around and deny others like myself the right to have the most noble and worthwhile relationship with another.

I can survive without steak or even hamburger but not without love, integrity and idealism.

Candy's need for success is very strong and so the man I love would have to put his own work aside to help me reach for the brass ring of stardom.

I enjoy being a woman.

clean entire house

do legs

hang light fixture

candles

note book

noxema - very light

—learn apache dance—

Nightclub Act.

Life size glamour photos of me

Loretta Young theme song music

I appear in a flannel night gown in a bed.

Later the explanation

that I can't be real in an evening gown.

songs Getting to know you

Have I stayed loo long at the fair

Mirror Mirror from Follies

I'm Still Here

My name is Ronnie. I am very beautiful, spend a lot of time alone, and am very well respected. I collect beautiful clothes and pictures. No one is sure whether I am a girl or a boy.

We heard recently that Candy Darling is so much in love with her newest hearthrob/amour, that she is seen kissing him all around town. She holds him so close that people often remark that he not only smells of her perfume but is frequently covered with her lipstick. We also heard that he was living with her in Sam Green's duplex penthouse. When asked how Sam feels about living with her “Ronnie,” she unashamedly revealed Mr. Green is in India and doesn't know what it's like. Furthermore she pays for everything he eats and loves it. Everyone was dying to meet him until Candy called one afternoon and said she would arrive with Ronnie. Weren't we all surprised when Ronnie turned out to be a 9 week old Yorkshire Terrier pup, a gift from Candy herself. Speaking of lap dogs, although the exquisite blonde has been seen on a number of laps herself, she could hardly be referred to as a dog.

Ed

When I hold a little baby or a puppy in my arms, I know there must be some kind of God.

I dreamt that I was going to high school and I was in the hall on the telephone. I had Ronnie with me, who was only a little baby at the time and irresistible. He was in my parka asleep and I was talking to my grandmother long distance. These Negro boys came around me and were telling me to get off the phone and all saying I got to call my pussy and all crude things. I told them to just wait or go some where else and got into a little argument. They took my books and my parka with Ronnie and went outside. I got it back and when I went into the dark cafeteria to have lunch three other students joined me. I was telling this girl what happened and then I said where is Ronnie? I reached in my coat sleeve and brought out my hand with blood on it, which I thought was nail polish for a second because the thought of Ronnie bleeding in my coat was too awful. I reached in and brought him out. He was twisted backwards, wet with blood and silent, but still alive. I ran down the hall to the nurse's office. The apathetic students just sat there. When I got to the nurse's office I found the miserable bitch sitting down having her lunch. I showed Ronnie to her and begged her to help me, but she said she still had five minutes left of her lunch period and she was going to finish her tea first. At the same time I was talking to the innocent little dear broken in half. Please Ronnie don't die, I wish it were me instead of you. It was here that I awoke. Immediately I called Ronnie to me and covered him with kisses but he just chewed my fingers.

I'm being a lady and look what happens—all my clothes are gone.

Now that I am attractive to men there isn't a man I want.

Love is a delicate spirit that loses its essence under scrutiny.

What will I do in Italy to talk to people? They don't speak much English and my Italian is very limited. After I say pizza, mozzarella and lasagne there's going to be a big lull in the conversation.

Halloween is a long way off.

You're always apt to being the target of someone's bad joke. Or known to be unacceptable. Like you know you're never going to meet someone's mother.

help me to be less lonely.

Maureen O'Hara,
The Foxes of Harrow

I think music can elevate the human spirit.

I ask for spiritual enlightenment

a husband—your choice

a career—utilizing wisdom

responsibility accepted

I would prefer to live in a more romantic age

when people danced together.

Call Viva
get $ from Andy

I'd rather be a silly old fool than a lonely old woman

you see

I don't think the sunrise is as good as the moonlight

Hip culture which has no grace

The noble savage—turning to primitivism

Irregularity keeps you from really living.

People who talk too much and don't listen all have a problem.

Tonight I met Laurie—transexual. She goes to Dr. Rich. He gave her the famous silicone bust, which she claims is much softer than the implants, but I forgot to ask her whether she was talking about the fat tissue implants, which is done in Germany. She said she has a job as a barmaid but didn't say where. She said she makes $2–250—a week. Also she said she is having the operation in 6 mo. Tiffany was there too, who I think is really gorgeous. I still cannot decide about the nose job. The sex change and everything else yes yes yes.

If I am going to be a woman, I want the whole thing: a home in the suburbs, a husband, and strange as it may sound, children.

I have just spoken to Taffy. She called me. I told her that I saw Anita Ekberg on television in a movie called “Screaming Mimi.” I told her how beautiful and alluring Miss Ekberg was and perhaps that is what we all want to be. Taffy said that she is in analysis and no longer thinks she is a woman and perhaps she should be a man. Bob (her lover) has already said he would accept her that way. She said it may take 3 years, but it is better than what she has this way. She said the reason we are the way we are is that we did not have suitable male identities when we were growing up. And just because we did not have suitable identities is no reason for us to think we are women. Perhaps she is right. She says it is $30 per visit and it would help. Maybe God is speaking to me through Taffy. I am going to go to the premier of
Barbara
tonight. It will probably be just a meaningless bore. I hope if it is, I can visit Carlos and get him to get me that coat!

I also spoke to Ron Link today (I called him) and he said to forget the play, that it was not enough time.

I am right now on the train on my way to N.Y. to the premier of
Barbara
. I will get to N.Y. Penn. Sta. in just enought time to take the subway downtown to the Garrick Theatre on Bleecker St., just in time for the end. Well maybe there'll be a party afterward. My upper lip is all bumpy, I hope no one notices it. I feel I am rather through with men. Love of God will replace love of men, and actually I don't feel I need a man. I don't hate them or anything. I see men and sometimes I feel if I were to have a man I would like one like that. But I have no longings or crushes or anything. And yet maybe I'm always hoping, leaping to conclusions—what else is there to leap at except men. One keeps me in condition for another.

I know it hasn't all been beer and pretzels for you either.

Lilli Lilli Lilli

personal considerations

sunburned psuedo virile types

they get a girl all confused then leave her that way

I have always been the goddess above it all, untouchable.

I explain my influence over men as simply this. I represent to many men a goddess who is untouchable, and yet a goddess who needs him to make her happy. I was born to be a queen and every time I come down from the throne I am humiliated for it and suffer many indignities.

This is my barbed wire dress. It protects the property but doesn't hide the view.

Money doesn't buy everything but it does buy some nice goodies—

He's a very handsome man.

I wouldn't have anything else but.

Welcome to the Ponderosa

No, it's the White House but the President is out demonstrating.

Yes it is up to me. That's kind of nice to say. It's up to me.

If you ever do progress to a higher level of human awareness, Stay there and do not ever come down. Think not to glorify the self but the great schemer. Seek no approval or applause from man.

Where were you