Beginnings of the Heart (22 page)

I was fortunate enough to be able to talk to Cole in mid-July. He sounded happy and content to be doing what he was doing. Most of the conversation revolved around how Victoria was doing and what plans I had made for the following year. It was so good to hear his voice, and when the call was over I noticed my heart didn't ache quite as much. Unfortunately the feeling didn't last.

Two days later I was coming down the stairs from putting Victoria down for her nap when there was a knock on the door. I opened it and found two officers standing on the front porch. I felt the blood drain from my face. I didn't
notice the tears or my scream until I felt Mark's hands on my shoulders.

They read their official document and then handed me the letter informing me my husband had been killed in combat. I couldn't breathe, and the sobs were tearing through my body. I felt my heart break and knew it would never be whole again.

I had to get out of the house. I couldn't continue to sit there and listen to Cole's parent's grief over losing their son when I was trying to accept my husband wasn't going to come home. My daughter wouldn't know what an absolutely awe-inspiring man her father was. The chance to grow old with my soul mate had been ripped away from me.

I jumped to my feet and left by way of the back door. What was left of my heart carried me onward and I was helpless, listening to the pieces not irrevocably shattered.

I found myself at the cabin where we had spent the beginning and last days of our incredibly short married life together. I fell onto the couch and let my grief roll over me until I was spent of all my tears.

When I was able to break the surface of my grief, my first thought was of my daughter. I needed to go back to the house so I would be there when she woke up if she hadn't already.

I couldn't make myself move, though. I sat there and tried to remember every moment I had with Cole. Dredging up memory after memory, trying to fix them in my mind so I wouldn't forget anything.

I don't know how long I sat there. Mark eventually found me. I heard him coming up the steps and opening the squeaky door.

“Morgan? Are you okay?” Mark asked, his voice thick with emotion. “I know it's probably a stupid question.”

I couldn't make my voice work. I just looked at him with tears still streaming down my face.

“The officers need to talk to you, and there are some things to be decided right away.” He smiled and chuckled a little. “In true form, Cole planned ahead and a lot of things are already done. There are only a few things we need to decide on. The boy always was organized.” Mark smiled slightly.

A slightly hysterical laugh escaped me then. “He really was. He had a true gift for planning the fun out of some things.” I laughed again, finding I could, and it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

“Come on, Victoria is up, and she'll be looking for you soon.” Mark said, holding out his hand to help me stand up. “I hope you don't mind, but I called your family so they wouldn't find out through the gossip network in town. I think they'll be out soon, and maybe it will help a little bit.”

We walked the rest of the way back to the house in silence, and I could hear Victoria before I saw her. She was obviously upset, and I broke into a run so I could get to her.

I ran into the living room and scooped her up into my arms and rocked her back and forth. She held on to me so tightly I wondered if she could sense the grief in the room and was reacting to it.

“Mrs. Williams.” It took a moment to realize they were talking to me. “I'm Lieutenant Greene and this is Captain Lee. We would like to express our deepest condolences on the loss of your husband.”

“Thank you.” I said, talking around the lump in my throat.

“Morgan!” I heard my sister's voice from the porch a second before the door flew open. Behind her were my dad and mother, all of them looking grief-stricken.

I was surrounded and hugged, which threatened to open the flood gates again. I forced myself to push the grief looming on the horizon waiting to swamp me again to the back of my mind and concentrate on my daughter.

“Samantha, would you take Victoria outside for a while so we can talk about what needs to be done. I don't want her to get scared if she hears something, and I'm afraid she's already sensing the mood in here.”

“Of course. Hey, Victoria, do you want to go outside with Aunt Samantha? We'll go swing, and you can show me how big the flowers are growing.” She crooned to Victoria as she walked out the back door with her on her hip.

“I'll go with them, and I'll come and get you if she needs you. Maybe we can both distract her long enough for you to finish up here.” My mother offered and then followed Samantha and Victoria out into the yard.

For the next hour we were informed what arrangements Cole already made and finalized the rest. I stood at the window watching my sister playing with my daughter, who was laughing and giggling.

I answered the questions asked and looked to Mark and Cecelia for help when I didn't know an answer. They looked as bad as I'm sure I looked, but were holding up much better than I was. Finally the officers left after once again expressing their condolences and leaving contact information.

“Morgan, if it's alright with you I'll make the phone call to the funeral home and let them know Cole's bo… umm Cole will be arriving.” Mark said from behind me.

“Okay.” I said, once again around the lump in my throat.

Mark left the room and I could hear Cecelia talking to my dad in the background. I kept thinking about what the officers had said. Cole didn't suffer. He was a hero. But how do I explain it to our daughter? What was I supposed to tell her?

I excused myself and went upstairs to our room. I sat on the bed and looked around at all of things in there that reminded me of Cole. What was I going to do now? I needed to find a job so I could support Victoria and myself, but I didn't have any experience and I didn't know where to even begin.

Cecelia came into the room as all of these uncertainties were rolling through my mind.

“Morgan, I'm so sorry. I know it's not enough, but.” She stopped. “I wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“I'm okay. I don't know what to say to Victoria though. How much is she going to understand? I also have to think about how to get a job too.”

“You don't have to think about getting a job now. You and Victoria are welcome to stay as long as you need to. I know Cole wanted you to go to college and I think you should, but nothing needs to be decided right now. We all just need to get through the next few days, and then we can concentrate on the future.”

“I'm so sorry, I didn't even think about how you must be feeling right now.” I said, turning to look at her. “I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, but you lost him too.”

Cecelia took my hand in hers and we just sat there for a while, lost in our own thoughts. I heard Victoria coming before I saw her. Her little feet made a very distinctive sound on the stairs and the hallway. I hastily wiped the tears from my face before she burst into the room with my sister hot on her heels.

“I'm sorry. She got away from me and she's fast when she wants something, isn't she?” Samantha said.

I smiled. “Yes she is. She's very much like Cole.” I said, catching my daughter when she flung herself at me.

She looked up at me with her beautiful little smile and eyes that would forever remind me of her father. I had Victoria, the precious little gift Cole and I had created together and loved. I still had a piece of him I would wake up to every day, and I would make sure she knew what a great man her father was and how much he loved her.

The next week was nothing more than one great blurred image in my mind. There are little things I remember… mostly sounds and smells. The sound of the military rifles and the smell of the gun powder.

We buried Cole in the family plot on his parent's property. I was surrounded by friends and family who sought to make things easier on me, but all I really wanted was for everyone to leave me alone. I needed time to grieve in private and to figure out what to do. All anyone wanted to do was talk about Cole and relive stories from high school and his growing up. Every time someone would talk about him it felt like someone was rubbing steel wool over the open wounds of my heart. I couldn't breathe, and all I did was nod in the appropriate places.

It became routine. I would put Victoria down for a nap and then I would walk out to the cabin. It was the only place I could be alone and no one ever intruded on me while I was there. I think Cole's parents understood I needed time to myself. They were able to slip away for time alone, but this was the only time I had.

“Morgan.” My mother's voice came from behind me.

I had been so absorbed in my thoughts I hadn't heard her come in. I turned around from where I sat on the couch to look at her.

“I've been watching you over the last week or so and I wanted to talk to you.” she said from beside the open door.

Her posture, facial expression, and demeanor were of the old mom I remembered from before I got pregnant. Where had she been for the last two years? I didn't realize I had spoken out loud until she smiled and answered me.

“She was buried behind a lot of fear, anger, and grief.”

“I'm not sorry some of it happened. I do apologize for the things I said to you though. I was just so angry.” I said, remembering the fight.

“I'm sorry too. I've missed out on a lot of things over the last two years, and all of it is my own fault. I wish I could go back and do it all differently. But I can help you.” Mom said looking at me hopefully.

“I don't know what you mean. Cecelia and Mark said Victoria and I could move in here, this cabin if we wanted, and I'm going to take them up on it. I don't know how you can help me.” I said, confused.

“I want to help you deal with your grief. I know it's hard right now, you don't want to talk about Cole.” I winced at the mention of his name. “But you need to. Trust me on this. I've watched you, and when someone starts talking about him, you find something else to do. I know you come out here to be alone and you think you're grieving, but I'm not sure you are.”

I looked into my mom's face and burst into tears. She came over and put her arms around me and just let me cry. It was the first time since the day we were informed of Cole's death I had allowed myself to cry. My mom held onto me until the sobs were replaced with hiccups, and then she handed me a tissue.

“It just hurts so much to talk about him. He was everything to me and now he's gone and I have to raise our daughter by myself and he was supposed to be here and help me!” I yelled, getting very angry. “He left me all alone to pick up the pieces, but I don't know if I can. I'm not sure I have a heart left to move on with! He said he would never leave me, he would never allow anyone to separate us, and now he's never coming back! What am I supposed to do?” I yelled at my mom.

“I know it isn't fair he was taken from you, but you need to remember he didn't want to leave. Cole wanted nothing more than to be with you and Victoria and to watch her grow and to grow old with you. I'm so sorry it isn't going to happen, I really am and I'm not suggesting you forget him. I don't know if you can get over something like this, but you have to do more than just cope. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter and then see what happens next. Just go one day at a time for a while. But you also have to remember Cole and talk about him. Share the happy memories you have. The more people who know the stories, the more he will be remembered. No one is going to forget him, and we all need to be sure Victoria knows how special her father was.” My mom told me emphatically.

I thought about what she said and I wasn't sure she was right, but I did know we all needed to ensure Victoria knew who her father was and how important he was to everyone around him. Maybe I did need to talk about him so she would know how special he was and how much he loved her.

I stood up and my mom stood with me, and taking her hand in mine, I walked out of the cabin. I wasn't sure what was next, but I did know there were a lot of people who would be there to help me and Victoria. My mom would be one of them, and I was grateful. It was never going to be perfect, but it was a place to start.

J. J. Nite
lives in North Alabama with her husband, 3 kids, a dog, turtle, and 5 goldfish. She writes young adult sweet romance for Astraea Press and loves reading as much as possible. J.J.'s also found that if she doesn't write something everyday, her mood is that of a bear waking from hibernation. Don't worry though, the children have learned to let Mommy write a little before approaching.