Beginnings of the Heart (16 page)

***

I don't remember much about our first few days home at my parents' house. There were a lot of diapers and crying, and it wasn't always the baby who was crying.

I vaguely recollect eating and changing my clothes, but not much else. I do recall Cole being there. If he hadn't been there to hand Victoria to, I don't know if I would have survived it.

After the third night home, things got much better. Victoria and I were finding our groove and I was getting better at anticipating her needs, which meant I got to sleep longer stretches. This also meant Cole was going to have to go home.

I came out the fourth morning with Victoria to find something to eat for myself. Usually Cole was already up, but because the night before had gone so well, he was still asleep on the couch. I figured he could sleep for a while longer and then he could watch her while I showered for the first time in what felt like days.

My mother was in the kitchen when we entered, and I almost turned around and left. She still had not held Victoria, and I only remembered my mother looking at her in my father's arms. I didn't know what to expect, and I wasn't prepared emotionally for it yet either.

“Good morning. We were up so I thought I'd come out and get breakfast.” I said.

She cleared her throat before answering. “Well good. How are you feeling?” Mom asked, studying her cereal.

I wanted her to look up at us, but she didn't. “I'm good. Last night was the best one so far. I feel like I'm getting into some kind of rhythm.”

“Well good. I guess Cole can go back to his house now. If you don't need him to help you at night, I mean.”

It felt like my stomach had dropped to my knees, and my lungs constricted tightly. I couldn't think of what to say to get her to let him stay. I wasn't ready for him to leave us.

“Well, I have some things I need to get done. I'll see you later.” She said without ever looking up at us.

I sat down at the table and felt like I was in shock. What was I going to do now? Could I do this all by myself without Cole here to help me? I knew I could ask my sister and Dad for help, but I felt guilty. This wasn't their responsibility. It was mine and I knew I was going to have to figure it out sooner or later.

I heard shuffling footsteps behind me and then hands on my shoulders and a soft kiss pressed to the side of my neck.

“Good morning pretty baby. Were you good for your mama last night? I think you were.” Cole said, tracing Victoria's cheek with his finger. “Morgan, are you alright?” Cole asked.

All I could do was nod my head at him. I tried to shake off the shock of realizing he had to go home today and I was going to be alone.

“I'm okay. My mother was here when I came in to get breakfast and she asked how I was doing and I told her I was finding my rhythm and then she said good, because now you could go home.” I said, with a flat voice.

Cole sat down in the chair next to me and looked at my face. “Are you ready for me to leave?”

“I don't know. I'm scared of being here alone. I know I'm not really alone, but I'll feel alone.” I tried to explain.

“Morgan, you're doing an amazing job. I think you'll be fine, but I know how you feel. So let's try a compromise.” Cole said.

“What sort of compromise?” I asked, a little suspicious.

“I have to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to put Dad in a position where he feels like he has to keep me because I'm his son even though I'm not showing up. So why don't we go to my parents' house today, and they can spoil Victoria and then we'll see how you do tonight. If you do just as well then I'll go back home tomorrow night. We'll use tomorrow during the day as a sort of test. I think you're going to do just fine. And with tomorrow being Monday, your mom won't be here and things will be easier I think.”

The thought of not having him in the next room to help me was almost paralyzing, but I also knew he couldn't stay here forever.

“What if I can't get her to stop crying in the middle of the night?” I asked.

“Then you'll call me and I'll come down and help. I hate to remind you of this, but you have another option available to you. All you have to do is say the word and I'll help you pack.”

“I know, but…“ I just shook my head.

“Just keep it in mind, okay?”

I nodded my head and smiled at him. The shock had worn off and now I felt my control returning.

“So, what do you want for breakfast? I'll get it for you.” Cole said.

“Don't take this the wrong way, but I think I'll do it myself. You can hold your daughter and I'll cook so we can have something besides toaster pastries and cereal.”

“What's wrong with cereal?” he asked while cradling and staring at Victoria.

“Nothing unless you might want something else for a change, and I've tasted your eggs. Not a very appetizing experience and one I don't want to repeat.” I smiled at him over my shoulder.

“Well, then cook away. I'll just sit here and wait to pass judgment on your culinary creation.”

“I promise it will be edible, and then I would like to go to your parent's house. It would be nice to go somewhere else.” I smiled.

“We'll go then.”

It was a great day. I was much more relaxed, and I even took a nap. I felt so much better afterwards.

Victoria was even better during the night than the previous one. She was only up once, and I felt like I could take on the world in the morning. This was also the day Cole had to go to work and would probably go back to his house.

I peeked into the living room when we came out of my room, and he was already awake and dressed. He smiled and held his hands out for Victoria.

“I see you're almost ready for work.” I said, as I handed Victoria over.

“Yeah, I woke up early. Sleeping through the night has its advantages.” Cole said, looking up at me with a sheepish smile.

“Hmm, I think I remember what it's like. She was really good last night. Only up once and then right back to sleep. I just hope she continues to do this well when school starts back. I don't know how much sleep deprivation I'll be able to deal with when I have to pay attention in class.”

“Don't forget to call the school and talk to Mr. Smith. It'll be really good if you can get an abbreviated schedule without missing out on credits. You'll have more time to be with Victoria and to study when she's sleeping.” Cole reminded me.

“I'm going to today. I didn't want to call when my mother was here because… well because. I don't think she wants me to have a shortened schedule, but I don't know what else she expects me to do. I need to take care of Victoria, and I need to graduate.” I told him.

“I know. I have to go, but I'll see you after work.”

He got up and walked to the door holding Victoria close. He snuggled her another minute and then handed her to me. He bent and kissed the top of her head and then me.

“If you need anything during the day call me, and I'll be here.” Cole said from the doorway.

“We'll be fine. The day is what has been easiest anyway. Have a good day at work. We'll see you later.” I assured him.

I followed him out onto the porch so we could wave to him, and then he was gone. I turned to go back inside when I noticed my next door neighbor Mrs. Tompkins staring at me from her front porch.

I wasn't really surprised to find her looking at us. After all she was the preeminent town gossip, and no one other than immediate family had seen Victoria yet. She probably only wanted the scoop so she could be the one to pass it on.

I waved to her, and she waved back. I figured she would be over within the next thirty minutes to see what she could find out. If she was any longer I would truly be surprised.

I had just finished eating my breakfast when the doorbell rang, and I smiled to myself. I took Victoria out of her little seat and went to open the door for our guest. I was happy she was dressed in a pretty pink frilled outfit and I had taken a shower last night.

I was a little shocked when I opened the door. Not because it was someone other than Mrs. Tompkins, but because she wasn't empty handed. In her hands was a pink bag with white tissue paper poking out of the top.

“I was glad to see you were home today, Morgan. I've been meaning to come over and see this little one, but wanted to give you some time to get settled in.”

“Would you like to come in?” I asked, a little rattled now. I wasn't sure what to expect next.

We settled onto the couch in the living room, and I was officially at a loss for words. It was a good thing Mrs. Tompkins never was.

“Would it be alright if I held her? She is such a pretty little thing.” She said, as I relinquished my daughter to her.

“Thank you.”

“Why don't you take a look and see what this little one has.”

Mrs. Tompkins kept talking and I tried to listen so I could tell Cole everything later, but I was largely unsuccessful. I dug into the bag and came out with a beautiful white knitted baby afghan.

“I hope you like it. I started it quite a while ago and made it white so it would be appropriate for either a boy or girl.” She eyed my face as someone who was used to reading expressions.

“Thank you very much. This was very thoughtful.” I said, a little choked up.

She continued to study my face for a moment and then appeared to make some kind of decision.

“I truly just wanted to see this sweet little thing and deliver the gift.” She hesitated for a moment. “I also wanted you to know I understand how things stand here, in this house. If you need someone to talk to, you may feel free to come over anytime.”

She handed Victoria back to me and stood to go. She turned at the door.

“I may be the town gossip,” she said, with a conspiratorial grin, “but I can keep a confidence if one is needed. Whether you believe me or not, I know what you are going through and if you need to talk to someone who if asked will keep it to oneself, I'm just right over there.” She winked at me and then walked off of the porch and back to her own.

I went back inside and closed the door. The visit was not what I had expected at all, and now I wondered if Mrs. Tompkins had purposefully waited until I was home alone to come over. She was obviously still full of surprises.

****

“I called the school, and I have an appointment with Mr. Smith tomorrow morning.” I told Cole later as we got Victoria ready for bed.

“Do you need me to watch Victoria while you're there?”

“No. I'm going to take her with me. We'll just walk down and back. He indicated on the phone it wasn't going to be a problem giving me a shortened schedule because I already have so many credits built up. I'll just need to take my graduation requirements and, hopefully, I can get all of those in the morning and not have to sit in school half the day waiting.”

“You could get all of your homework done.” Cole said while handing me what I needed to get Victoria ready for bed and then blowing on her belly to make her squirm.

“True.” I said, looking up at him. “You know what? I'm going to miss doing this with you every night. And before you say what I know you're going to say, no, I haven't decided to do anything different yet. Let's see how it goes.” I said.

“Okay. Now let me see my sweet little princess. Daddy missed you today. Were you a good little girl for your mama?”

He sat down in the rocking chair and talked with her until she was ready to eat, at which point he handed her over. I sat down in the chair and angled it so I could put my feet up on my bed, and he lounged back on it.

We talked as our princess ate and then fell asleep. I put her up on my shoulder to pat her back and then just rocked her for a while longer. My mother appeared briefly in my doorway, but didn't enter and gave a disapproving look. Though what she could be upset about I had no idea and at this moment I really didn't care.

I finally stood and put Victoria in her crib, and then Cole and I left the room.

“I should get going.” Cole reluctantly said and walked to the front door.

I followed him out onto the front porch and we sat on the top step, both of us lost in our thoughts.

“Promise to call if you need me. I hate not being here to help. I'm also afraid I'm going to miss something.” He admitted with a half-smile.

“I promise to call, and I really don't think you're going to miss anything. It's not like she's doing anything yet.” I tried to console him.

“I know.” He slid his arm around my shoulders. “I'll call in the morning to see how tonight went. You should try and go to bed soon so you're not too tired.”

“You worry too much. I'll be fine. I love you.” I whispered from where my head rested on his shoulder.

“I love you more.” He said, kissing my head and then standing up.

I stood up on the bottom step and was eye to eye with him. “I think we'll be fine. You should get some sleep too you know. You have to work tomorrow. “

“Okay.” He smiled at me. “I'll talk to you in the morning.”

“Drive safe.”

I waited until he was out of sight and then went inside to my bed. I was nervous about being alone with Victoria, but there wasn't anything to do about it now. I'd made the mess I was in, so I might as well handle it. Besides, how much worse could it get?