Beginnings of the Heart (17 page)

The weeks leading up to the start of school flew by, and before I knew it my daughter was six weeks old and school was starting the next day. Luckily I had been able to work out a schedule letting me out at one instead of three-thirty.

Dad had found a reliable car I could drive Victoria and I to Cole's and back, but we weren't going to trust it any further.

The night before the first day of school had always been about which new outfit to wear and the excitement of seeing your friends again. This year it was completely different. I was more worried about whether I had everything ready for Victoria than if I was ready.

Luckily I fit back into all of the clothes I had the previous school year before I got pregnant. New clothes was an expense I didn't need right now. Babies were expensive.

I didn't sleep much. I watched the sun rise, and then I heard my daughter start to stir. I got up and went to look at her snuggled in her crib. I loved to watch her. She was wiggling her way free of the blanket, and her face was scrunching up. I picked her up before she could let loose with a scream.

She cuddled into my shoulder as I sat down in the rocking chair to feed her. I found myself hoping I wouldn't miss anything while I was at school and then smiled because Cole was worried about the same thing.

When Victoria was done, I got her ready for the day and then went to get myself ready. I opened the door to my room very quietly in case Victoria had fallen back to sleep and froze.

My mother was standing over Victoria's crib looking at her. She had a smile on her face and actually looked happy. She reached out and touched her and then bent over, kissed her, and left the room.

I wondered if my mother came in often to see her when I was otherwise occupied. Maybe she was coming around again, but was it all a little late at this point? I tried to put it to the back of my mind for now. I had bigger worries at the moment.

I took a deep breath and finished packing the diaper bag for Victoria and putting her in the car seat. I finally got all of the stuff into the car and we were on our way.

After I dropped Victoria off with Cecelia, Cole and I barely made it to school on time. I had tried to get him to go ahead without me, but he wouldn't budge. When we were walking through the doors I remembered I had forgotten my bookbag.

Cole grinned and dug into his and handed me a notebook and a pen.

“Thanks. I was so worried about forgetting something of Victoria's, I forgot all about myself. I hope this gets easier.” I groaned.

“It will. You'll figure it all out, and I'm here to help. I'll even carry your books for you today.” Cole said, with a huge grin.

I tried to swat his arm but he was too fast for me and was out of reach before I finished my swing. We parted ways at the first floor stairs since our classes were mostly on different floors this year.

I got to my first class just as the bell was ringing and almost groaned out loud when I saw who my English teacher was. Apparently Mrs. Austin had moved up to teach eleventh grade English. Hopefully this year would go better than last year had.

After the first few weeks of school I settled into a nice routine with Victoria. Once I figured out I didn't need to take as much stuff when I dropped her off with Cecelia it was much easier.

School was another matter altogether. Everyone was nice. I didn't hear anyone talking about me anyway, but I felt different from the others. We didn't have the same interests anymore.

While they worried about the Fall Formal, the latest fashions, and who was dating whom, I worried about if Victoria was eating enough and whether her cough was worthy of a trip to the doctor. When they were going out on the weekends, Cole and I were catching up on homework, laundry, and time with Victoria.

The days of sleeping in until noon were over. Who was I kidding? Sleeping past five in the morning wasn't happening. So were the times of just doing nothing, like sitting on the couch and watching TV. When you have a baby there is always something to do.

One Sunday afternoon, a month after school had started, Cole and I took Victoria up to the clearing we had found over a year ago and spent so much time in. We spread out a blanket, and all three of us laid down on it.

“How are things going at home?” he asked after we were all settled. “Have you caught your mom looking at Victoria anymore?”

I smiled as Victoria grabbed my finger and tried to put it in her mouth.

“This morning I was in the shower and when I got out I opened the door to check on Victoria and my mother was sitting the rocking chair with her. Apparently she had started crying after I got in. I didn't hear her, and I guess Mom couldn't take it so she came in and picked her up. I don't think she has held her before. I was a little shocked.”

“I'm surprised you didn't fall over. Maybe she's going to come around after all.” Cole said, surprised and a little sulky.

“Why do you sound disappointed? This is a good thing, remember?” I reminded him.

“I know. I was just hoping things would get worse and you would come live with me. I know it's totally unreasonable, but a guy can hope you know.” He half smiled at me.

I leaned over Victoria and gave him a kiss and then cupped his cheek with my hand. He wasn't the only one who was a little disappointed, but I wasn't about to tell him. I was more concerned with the backlash my family might suffer if I did move into his house. This was still a small town.

“I'm sorry you're disappointed, but I really do think it's a good thing. I miss my mom being my mom. We used to talk about things and now she barely speaks to me and forget about having a full conversation. Today when she was holding Victoria, she smiled at her. Can you understand?”

“I can. I don't know how I would feel if my parents hadn't been supportive. It doesn't change the fact I want the two of you with me though.” Cole said, reaching over to pick Victoria up and hold her against his chest. “I'm afraid I'm going to miss something.”

“I know. I feel the same when we're at school. At least getting out early and I can go see her. The bad thing is she's settled into this routine of taking a nap right before I get there. It does give me a chance to finish some homework before she wakes up, but I would rather be able to walk into your house and scoop her up.” I said, reaching over and smoothing the fuzz coming in on the top of her head.

“Well I'm happy things are going well. It's less stressful for the two of you. You are the most important things in my life. I love you, Morgan.”

“I love you more.”

“Come on, I think it's time we get her back to my house. She's starting to get sleepy and I honestly thought it would be a whole lot warmer than this. I don't think she should be out here if it gets too cold.” He stood up and then reached down to help me up.

I started to laugh at him and then picked up and folded the blanket we had been on.

“What's so funny?” He started to walk to the car.

“You. You're acting like it's about to snow. She's dressed warm enough, and she was having a good time. So was I, but it is time to get back, I suppose.” I said, as he was strapping her into her car seat.

Cole straightened up out of the backseat and looked at me with his deep blue searching gaze, and then he smiled.

“I'm being overprotective, aren't I?” he asked sheepishly.

“Just a little bit, but it's kind of sweet.” I said.

He pulled me into a hug and kissed me like I hadn't been kissed in a long time. When he pulled back far enough to see my face, my arms had wound their way around his neck and my fingers were tangled in his hair.

“You know what I think? I think you need a night out with me. A night where you don't have to be a mom and we can spend some time just the two of us. What do you say?”

“I'd like to, but who‘s going to watch Victoria? She's only ten weeks and even though she is a really good baby, she can get really fussy at night. I don't want to leave her with someone who isn't going to know what to do if she gets really upset or something.” I said.

“We'll get my mom to do it. Before you say she watches her for us already, let me finish. I know you aren't going to want to be away from her for a really long time so if we just went out for lunch next weekend, we won't be gone for very long. You just said a little while ago she sleeps around one anyway.” Cole said persuasively.

I thought about what he said as we got in the car and started driving back to his house. I hated to admit it, but I did need some time away. I loved her, but taking care of Victoria all day every day was starting to take a toll. I needed to be reminded I was still my own person, not just a mother.

“Okay I'll go, but only if your mom can watch Victoria for us. I just think she's too young for anyone else to watch her right now.” I said firmly.

Cole reached over and grabbed my hand, and I looked at him.

“Good. We can talk to her when we get back.” Cole said, sounding a little more excited than I was feeling. “I worry about you. I want you to tell me if you need help or if you feel like you just need some time to yourself. I mean it.” he said.

“Thanks… for worrying about me. I know this sounds weird, but it's nice to know someone does. I really am doing okay though. At least so far.” I smiled at him.

“Sleep deprivation hasn't kicked in yet?” Cole asked, smiling.

“It happened a long time ago, but now she's sleeping better and it's not so bad. I kind of got used to it. I've never really needed a whole lot of sleep anyway.” I explained.

“I don't know how you're keeping it all together. I definitely couldn't do everything you're doing and if I even tried, I'm sure I'd fail miserably.”

“You don't know what you'd be able to do. I didn't think I'd be able to do this, but I don't really have a choice. She's here, and I am responsible for her every whim. I enjoy most of it, but it'd be nice to sleep past five a.m. again.” I grinned at him.

He just smiled back. What was there really to say? Our lives had been irreversibly changed the moment our child had been created, and there was no going back now. We both just had to step up and deal with things the way they were.

We rode in a comfortable silence the rest of the way to his house. Victoria was waking up as we pulled to a stop. Cole got Victoria and carried her into the house while I grabbed the diaper bag. He sat the car seat down on the couch and started to unstrap her as she sent up a wail that could have alerted the next county to a disaster.

I started to laugh at the look on Cole's face. It was a cross between horror and distress. I reached for my daughter and then headed for the stairs to feed her. She was into her full fit by the time we got settled in the chair in her nursery, and I had to admit this was not one of the things I liked about being a mom. The screaming was ear piercing, and it wasn't going to stop until she got exactly what she wanted.

After Victoria settled down and started to eat, I noticed Cole had followed us up and was leaning in the doorway looking at us with a contented smile. I smiled back, and then he straightened up and walked into the room. He sat down on the floor next to the chair and ran his fingers over the wispy hair on the top of Victoria's head.

“You look like your trying to work something out.” I said quietly to Cole.

He looked up me with a soft expression in his eyes and a small smile on his face.

“Not so much working something out as realizing how incredibly lucky I am. I have you, which on its own would be amazing, but now you've given me Victoria as well. I'm not sure I can explain it. How all of this makes me feel. I sound like a girl, don't I?” Cole asked, a little disgruntled but amused.

“Umm, maybe a little, but I like it. Of course, I'm a girl so… but I know what you mean. And I think it's okay to sound like a girl with me. At least then I know how you feel. You've never really held back, anyway. You've just not been quite so open about it all. I like it.” I said, smiling at him.

Victoria had fallen asleep, and I put her up on my shoulder to burp her. She pulled her legs up and made a little sighing sound against the side of my neck. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth of her against my chest. I heard Cole stand up and I opened my eyes and saw he had been staring at me.

I put Victoria in her crib and took Cole's hand as we left the room. Instead of turning left and heading for the stairs, Cole turned right and led me to his room. He stopped at the side of his bed and turned around.

“I think you need a nap. You were almost asleep in there until I stood up. I'm not going to take no for an answer. You might as well just lie down and go to sleep. I'll take care of Victoria when she wakes up so you can sleep as long as you need to. Please do this.” he pleaded.

I thought about protesting, but I was tired and if he was willing to take care of Victoria for a little while, why not take a nap?

“Don't let me sleep for very long. Victoria is going to be up sooner than you think because she doesn't sleep for a long time in the afternoons.”