Beginnings of the Heart (19 page)

“I was just thinking the same thing. But it's hard because this is my home and this is my family. On the other hand I have a child I need to think about too. It's not just me anymore.” I said, afraid I had been selfish by staying for this long at home.

“I'm not suggesting this isn't hard for you, but you do have someone else to think about now. And before you let any of your thoughts get too far, you haven't been selfish by staying here. You need to remember you're only sixteen and handling responsibilities adults have a hard time with. And you're doing much of it on your own.” She smiled at me.

I was still in shock she had known what I had been thinking and also trying to process everything she had said. She patted the hand she still held in both of hers and stood up.

“Just think about everything. Nothing is going to change overnight so you have time. And if you decide to go, just remember it doesn't mean it would be the end of everything you have here. It would just be a little different. It would also be a new beginning for your little family.”

“Thank you, for listening and for the advice. I needed someone's opinion who isn't in the middle of everything.” I said.

“Well, I'm just next door if you need to talk again. I hope things look up for you, Morgan. You are a bright young woman, and I think you're a good mother as well. It will all get easier, you'll see.”

Mrs. Tompkins walked back down our front walk and then continued on to her own house. I stayed out on the porch for only a few minutes more, and then I was summoned by Victoria.

My dad was happy to see both of us when he got home, and I found myself hoping my mother would express at least a portion of the feelings obviously roiling just below the surface of her carefully composed expression. I knew whatever it was I wouldn't necessarily want to hear, but then I would know what she was thinking.

Dinner was uncomfortable with only the barest conversation, and we all escaped as quickly as possible. I went to my room with Victoria after helping to clean up some of the kitchen. It was the only room in the house right now where I felt like I didn't need to be on guard all of the time.

I was lying on my side on the bed with Victoria when the door to the bathroom opened and Samantha came in. I smiled automatically at her and then looked back down at my gurgling daughter who was finding the ceiling light especially interesting tonight.

“Hey.”

“Hey, did you get everything done today you wanted to?” she asked.

“I think so. How about you?”

“Yep. Now I don't know what to do for the rest of the weekend. I don't have any more homework. Maybe I'll go down to Michelle's house tomorrow and hang out for a while. What are you going to do? Do you and Cole have any plans?” Samantha asked, letting Victoria grab her finger.

“We talked about getting his mom to watch Victoria for us and going out for my birthday, but I'm not really sure. He's coming by in a little while, and we'll talk more about it.” I said.

“I think you should do it. Everybody needs a break at some point, and your birthday is coming up. You could even stay there. Dad wouldn't care, and who knows what Mom's thinking anyway. It's not like she's talking about any of this to anyone right now except Dad.” Samantha grimaced.

I suddenly felt really guilty for not paying enough attention to how all of this was affecting my sister. She was suffering through Mom's silence as well. It put a different light on whether to stay or go. Maybe it would be easier for her if I went. I said as much to her.

“Don't make your decision based on me. I don't have it as bad as you do. When you're not in the same room she's almost like she used to be with me, so it really isn't a big deal. Just do what you think is right.”

We both looked up when we heard the doorbell.

“I think it's your daddy.” I said to Victoria.

“I'll talk to you later.” She said, as she left the same way she came.

I picked up Victoria and went down the hall to see if Cole was indeed here. As always, my breath caught when I saw him standing just inside of the front door. This time I also felt the weight I didn't know had been there lift from my shoulders.

“There are my girls.” Cole said, with a big smile and reaching for Victoria. “Daddy missed you today.”

I stood and watched him talk to Victoria and her react to him. Just like when he had talked to her when I was still carrying her, she knew him and would lock onto his face with eyes mirroring his own.

“How did your day at work go after a very short night with your daughter?” I asked as we went into the living room to sit down.

“I don't know how you made it through four days of school. How were things here when you got back? Did anything happen?”

“Nope, well nothing new anyway.” I filled him in on our day, omitting my conversation with Mrs. Tompkins, not because I didn't want him to know I was talking to her, but because he would use it to add to his own arguments, and I wanted to make my own decisions.

Too soon it was time for him to go, and we finalized our plans for the next day. We had decided I would stay again, and I was going to tell my dad this time instead of using the coward's way out. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

Cole and I had a great time on our first date since Victoria was born, and she was back to being a good baby at night again. I had told my dad what we were planning, and he actually agreed it was a good idea.

Cole followed us home the next day. He said it was so we could all go for a walk together. I thought it was because he wanted to make sure everything was okay at my house.

“I told you everything was going to be okay.” I said, once we were out on our walk with Victoria warmly tucked into the stroller.

“I just came for the fresh air. I don't know what you're talking about.” Cole said not very convincingly.

“Uh-huh.” Was all I said.

We had a great walk and turned around before we were really ready to. It was colder than we thought.

“I'll see you tomorrow. Call me later.” I said when Cole was leaving a short while later.

“I will.” Cole said, hesitating at the door. ”You know, I'm sorry I got a little pushy the other morning. I just love you and Victoria so much I can't stand the thought of either of you being treated badly.”

“It's okay. I know you're worried about us. And I love you too.”

He bent and kissed me, and our lips melded like they always did, and this time it was a little more difficult to pull back than it had been recently.

“Bye.” he said a little breathlessly.

“Bye.” I breathed out, sounding much the same.

The next few days passed in much the same way as every other day had since I came home from the hospital with Victoria. Up at five-thirty, get dressed, drop Victoria off, and go to school. Finish school for the day and then head to pick Victoria up and try to do my homework while making sure the laundry is done and the bottles are clean.

By the end of the week I was always exhausted, and this week was no different and maybe just a little bit worse. Even though I still had to get up early on the weekends, it was still relaxing to know I didn't have to get ready and rush out the door in order to get to school on time.

Thursday dawned dreary, and my mood for some reason mirrored the weather. I was still happy to see Victoria and she didn't seem to see any difference in me, but she was only a baby. When I dropped her off Cole noticed I wasn't myself and asked if everything was alright.

“Everything's fine. I just woke up like this and I can't seem to shake it yet. I feel like something is going to happen, but I don't know what and I'm probably just in a mood today. Sorry.” I explained.

“Well, not everyone can be happy all of the time you know. Everyone has bad days.”

“I know, but usually there is a reason for the bad day. I woke up like this. It's very disconcerting.” I mumbled. “I'll see you at school.”

He kissed me and then shut the door of my car so he could climb into his, and we were off to school.

The day didn't improve my mood, and by one o'clock when I left I was ready to see Victoria. She always made me happy no matter what mood I was in. I actually managed a small smile when Cole and I said goodbye and I left for his house.

The closer I got to Victoria today, the longer it seemed to take, and it was only a ten-minute drive. After what felt like an eternity I pulled into the driveway. I couldn't explain why I felt the urge to get to her as quickly as possible today, but I did.

“Hello.” I called out when I opened the door.

“We're in the kitchen, Morgan.” Cecelia called back.

I felt an instant lightening of the mood plaguing me all day. I walked into the kitchen and scooped my little girl up into my arms and cuddled her against me.

“It's nice coming home to something this sweet isn't it?” Cecelia observed.

“I can't think of anything better. I've been in a rotten mood all day, and now it's all better.” I said, closing my eyes and breathing in the scent of my daughter's lotion.

“Well, we were just going to head upstairs for a nap, but I think you would like to put her down. I'll be in here if you need anything.”

“Thanks.” I smiled at Cecelia.

Victoria was extremely cooperative and slept for two hours. I went to Cole's room and did as much of my homework as I could and then went to get her when she woke up. I heard the front door open as I was picking her up out of her crib and then feet on the stairs.

I looked up from changing her diaper to see Cole in the doorway. I think he was trying to assess my mood and see if it was safe to enter.

“I'm better. There's no need for you to hang out in the doorway when I'm sure you're dying to see your daughter.” I smiled at him.

He smiled in response. “I missed your smile today.” Cole said, coming into the room and standing behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

Victoria got excited when she heard his voice. She kicked her legs and waved her plump little arms.

“Yes, I see you. Now hold still so your mama can finish changing you.” he said to her.

When I was done I moved to the side and let Cole pick her up. I still marveled at how lucky I was to have them both in my life. It was almost perfect. But perfection doesn't last. At least it doesn't hold up for very long.

****

“I can't believe my daughter is a whore!! How could you do this to me?” my mother screamed at me.

“How could I do this to you? What exactly have I done to you?” I yelled back.

“You continuously flaunt the fact you have a baby! Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have you as a daughter now? Of course you don't because you don't care about anything but yourself. If you did care about your family, you wouldn't keep taking the baby out where people can see you. My friends don't even know what to say to me any longer. At first they were sympathetic, but now with you flaunting the fact you're a slut, well let's just say no one has anything nice to say about you.” She screamed at me with her nose wrinkled in disgust, and her teeth bared as she spit the words out from between them.

“I'm not a slut, Mother! Cole is the only person I've ever slept with and it was only twice, Mom. Victoria is a beautiful baby, and I thought you were coming around to the fact you're going to miss out on a lot of great stuff if you continue to ignore me and her like you have been. Don't you love me? Don't you want what's best for me?” I yelled.

“I wanted you to go to college and make something of yourself. Now you have a baby and you're going to be stuck in this town forever and probably alone. He's only going to leave you the first chance he gets. Teenage boys can't be trusted. They change their minds at the drop of a hat, and you certainly aren't going to be able to count on him. My own mother learned that lesson, and she made sure I chose someone who wouldn't leave. Of course I waited until a lot later than either of you did.” She continued to yell.

“What are you even talking about? Your dad died. Cole isn't going anywhere, and I've been able to count on him a lot more than I've been able to count on you to support me through all of this. At least he has my best interests in mind when he makes decisions affecting me or Victoria. You'd think you of all people would be able to understand what I'm going through, but all I've ever gotten from you is anger and disdain. When are you going to get past it all Mom? When are you going to realize you're missing out and you're going to regret it one day?”

“My father didn't die. He walked out on us. If my mother hadn't gotten pregnant at sixteen then maybe I wouldn't have grown up without a father. But I did, and we told the lie so you wouldn't be affected by the disgrace of it all.”

I could barely understand what she was telling me. I understood a little bit better why she felt the way she did now, but it was all a little bit too late. I turned and walked down the hall to my room.

Victoria was waking up so I changed her diaper and fed her. When she was done I put her in the crib and watched her fall back to sleep.

I curled up into a ball on my bed and silently wept. My mind was spinning with the hateful words and all of the questions I had about what to do now. Into this confusing, silent din I barely noticed the door to the bathroom connecting my room to my sister's opening and Samantha coming into my room.

She walked to the side of my bed and knelt on the floor next to it. “I'm really sorry about what Mom said.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I deserve it. Apparently I only think of myself.” I responded remotely.

“No you don't. You're only doing what you think is right, and Mom was way out of line. What are you going to do now?”

“I don't know what to do. This is all so confusing.” A new wave of tears started leaking their way out of my eyes to trace lines down my face to the pillow.

“You need to call Cole.” she said.

“I know. I can't stay here any longer and subject my daughter or myself to Mom's ever-shifting moods. I just really don't want to tell him what happened here tonight.” I grimaced at Samantha.

“I'll get your phone so you can call him. I'll be right back.”

She was back with my cell in less than a minute, and she handed it to me with a look of sadness.

“It's going to be okay. I'll still see you in school, and I bet Dad will bring you down to see me and Victoria.” I told her.

“I know. It's just… I had hoped things would turn out differently.” she sadly stated my own wish.

I smiled at her and then dialed the phone.

“Hello?” Cole's voice instantly relaxed me and soothed the sting my mother's words had left.

“Hey, I need you to come get me.” I said in a rush before I lost my nerve.

“What happened?” he asked.

“My mother and I got into an argument, things were said, and I can't stay here anymore. I can't let our daughter stay here another night.” I said around the lump in my throat.

“Okay, I'm coming. Get what you need together. Are you going to be okay until I get there?”

“Yes, I'll be fine. Thanks.”

“You don't need to thank me. We'll talk later. I'm on my way.” Cole said.

I started pulling things out of the dresser and closet I knew we would need. I wasn't sure how much to take. How were his parents going to react to us being there all the time? Were they going to let us stay with them for a long time or was this just a short-term solution until my mom cooled off enough for us to come back?

I thought about all of this as I stuffed everything into the bags I hauled out of the closet. When I was done, I had almost all of Victoria's clothes and diapers and most of my things in four bags. My only other concern at this point was how to get her formula and bottles without World War III erupting when I went to get them. I finally decided to just wait until Cole got here and grab them on the way out.

As it turns out, I didn't need to worry. My sister slipped into the room a few minutes later with Victoria's bottles and formula in a bag. She looked sad and a little worried.

“I thought you might need these. I figured Cole's coming to get you, and I didn't want you to have to go through Mom to get them. I hope I got everything you're going to need.”

“I don't know how to thank you, for all of the help you've given me. And I'm sorry about all of this. I hope Mom doesn't turn all of her anger at me onto you. It's bad enough you've had to live through this much.” I said.

“You don't have to thank me and I'll be fine. Maybe now she'll go get some help and stop trying to pretend like everything's okay. I'll see you in school and let you know how it's all going.” Samantha smiled at me.

I reached out and pulled her into a hug. It felt like I was leaving her forever, but logically I knew I'd still see her in school. It didn't really help.

My sister was standing at the window watching for Cole. She turned around and said, “He's here. I'll help you carry your stuff out to the door.”

The relief and anxiety was almost crippling as it swept through me. I could barely force my hands to be steady enough to buckle Victoria into her car seat and tuck a blanket around her. My sister grabbed the bags I had packed and opened the bedroom door for me to walk through. I felt like I was stepping off a cliff and falling through the black night into the unknown.

“Where do you think you're going?” my mom said in her standard snotty tone I had gotten used to.

I continued to the door and opened it just as Cole was about to knock. He silently stepped through and placed himself in front of me and Victoria.

My mom looked as if she would blow up at any moment. The red started at her neck and was slowly creeping up her face. I knew if it got to her eyes she would attempt to vaporize me on the spot.

“What are you doing here?” she asked Cole in her cold-as-ice voice.

“It's time for my family to be together in a calm place. After all, we want what is best for Morgan and Victoria, right?” Cole answered calmly.

I saw from the corner of my eye Samantha drop the bags out the door onto the porch. Cole's focus right now was on my mother and her reaction to his announcement. My mom looked like she wanted to scratch his eyes out.

“I don't really expect you to embrace or even accept this move, but I do hope you will be able to someday. You are welcome to come and see us at my parents' house, but Victoria and Morgan won't be back here to
visit for a while. I want them to feel comfortable and be able to relax.” He stated to my mother, who was looking more and more enraged by the second.

Cole turned me toward the door and followed me out. After grabbing the bags from the porch, he helped me put Victoria's car seat in the back and then loaded our bags into the trunk. I got into the front seat and slid over so I was sitting next to Cole. Without saying a word he backed out of the driveway and started driving down the street.

I turned around and silently watched the house I had grown up in slip away behind us. Cole put his arm around me, and I looked back out the windshield and wondered how everything could change so drastically in only one year.

I tried to forget everything said, or rather screamed, between my mother and me during our fight, trying to convince myself it wasn't the end of the relationship, if you could even call what my mother and I had a relationship anymore. I hoped somehow we could find our way back to each other after some space and distance.

What had I done to set her off? Obviously something happened to finally push her over the edge and away from her carefully masked demeanor she had worn since I announced my pregnancy.

“Are you okay?” Cole asked once we were out of the town limits.

“I'm not sure. I still don't really understand how it all started, what set her off.” I said, talking around the lump growing in my throat.

“It's going to be okay. We'll get home and Victoria settled. Then we can talk if you want or we don't have to talk about it tonight. Okay?” Cole asked, sounding very concerned.

I nodded my head, afraid if I tried to open my mouth nothing but the sob I was holding back would come out.

We traveled the rest of the distance to his house in silence, and once we arrived I went into mother mode, making sure Victoria and all of the things she needed were taken into the house and then started the job of getting her to sleep. I didn't even want to think about whether or not this was all confusing for her or if she was just okay because I was here.

I went back downstairs after she was in bed and found everyone in the living room. When I walked over to the couch, Cole reached up and pulled me down beside him. I suddenly couldn't contain the emotions rolling through me any longer, and I started to cry.

Cole wrapped both of his arms around me and just held on as the storm raged inside of me. I held onto him like he was my anchor to a safer, calmer time and place.

I heard his parents say something, but I didn't hear them. I was so caught in my own battle with my rebelling emotions.

I don't know how long we were there, but I slowly gathered my ragged emotions together and quieted my sobs enough to notice we were alone.

“Feel better?” Cole asked before kissing me on the cheek.

“I don't know. I think a little bit. I just keep seeing her face and hearing the things she said to me. I just don't understand.” I whispered between hiccupping sobs.

“Will we ever know, Morgan? I'm not sure there is anything I can say to make sense of this.”

I nodded my head and took some more deep breaths to try and get myself under control.

“Your parents must think I'm an emotional wreck.” I said, trying to think about something else.

“No, they don't. They're glad you're here, though, instead of at your house. So am I.” Cole said, kissing me gently.

“What time is it? How long have I been crying?” I looked for a clock.

“It's almost midnight.” Cole said, rubbing my back.

“Victoria is going to be up in about five hours. I really should try and get some sleep.” I said, trying to order my thoughts.

“Come on. I think you're right about the sleep, but I think Victoria might sleep a little later than normal. At least I hope she does.” Cole said, leading us up the stairs. “I brought your bags up while you were getting Victoria into bed. We'll figure out where to put everything tomorrow.”

“Thanks.” I said, glad he had thought to bring my stuff up. “How long do you think your parents are going to be okay with my being here?”

“Morgan, I've wanted you here for a long time. I've told you before you and Victoria are my family, my life, and it hasn't changed.
We are here for as long as
we need to be.” Cole said before kissing me. “My parents understand, and I won't allow us to be separated now or ever. Okay
?”

I let out the breath I had been holding.

“Okay.” I whispered, relieved. I put my arms around his neck and kissed him with all the emotion I had inside of my heart.

“I'm not going to school tomorrow.” I whispered to Cole. “I know I'd fall asleep, and I won't be able to concentrate anyway.”

“It's okay. I won't go either. I think we need a day to figure out what we're going to do now. I don't want my parents to feel like I'm becoming a burden so I want to talk with them as well. But you aren't going to worry about anything. I'm going to take care of you and Victoria. I promise.”