Before You Leave: A Romance Novel (19 page)

“I thought I had lost it,” rubbing my finger over the top of it I lift my head up at Kieran and step forward to throw my arms around him. “Thank you. I went back to look for it the other day, crazy I know but just having it in my hand again is a relief.”

Kieran wraps his arms around the top of my shoulders and pulls me closer to him. He is intoxicating; I inhale him into the furthest and darkest parts of my lungs and hold my breath to keep it implanted deep inside me. By tomorrow I will be back in my apartment and sorting out Ryan’s things that I have left for far too long.

I try to arch back wanting to see Kieran but he holds me tighter against him.

“Kieran, shall we head back?” I ask with my muffled voice talking to his expanding hard chest.

“Why do I feel like this is the last day I will see you?” I hear him confess and my heart sinks for him. Is this why he has needed me to stay close to him today?

“Life moves on, we move on and I’m not sure I’m capable of anything but friendship right now.” I admit.

“Then let me be that. Let us be friends, good friends, never to be apart friends.”

“You already are Kieran. I will never forget you.”

Removing his hold he takes my hand into his and lifts it up to his lips to kiss the back of it.

“You are an amazingly strong woman, you know that?”

“You keep telling me so.”

“Yes I do and I will keep telling you until it sinks in. Come on let me take you to a little cafe I might know?” Kieran swings our entwined hands between us, looking very pleased with himself all of a sudden.

“This little place wouldn’t belong to you would it? You’re not showing off to me are you?”

“Who me? Not at all, I don’t think I have to show off to you. But yes it is one of mine. Well it was mine. I took it over when the owner was in a bit of financial trouble. Built the reputation back up and now it is a thriving business. I handed it back to him only last week.”

“You did all that for him?”

“Of course, he is like family. I always look after those close to my heart.”

“Has anyone told you lately what an amazing person you are?”

“Are you telling me that now or just asking?”

“Oh I am telling, you’re pretty cool, I’m very glad to have you as my friend.”

Kieran squeezes my hand as his cheeks glow a little. Making our way through the influx of people walking up the steps as we go against them to reach the bottom.

“Is there something going on for there to be so many people?” I ask him as we dodge around a few more.

“Don’t think so, but I bet that bus at the bottom has something to do with it.”

He is right; the large white coach is positioned at the base of the steps. Some of the tourists are still filing out as we reach it. The woman I met on the day Sarah, Abigail and I visited the volcanoes, starts to leave the bus next. Kieran reaches her first and letting go of my hand, helps her down the final few steps. Recognising me she looks up at Kieran and then back to where I am waiting. As she passes me she stops, places her hand on my forearm and comes closer to whisper.

“I see the pebble was good to you my dear. I am very pleased. Would you mind if I have it back, I think the woman on the coach is in need of some good fortune?”

Looking at her a little blankly I take out the smooth stone from my pocket where I put it after Kieran gave it to me just a short time ago.

“I’m not sure what you mean about it being good for me. It certainly has been a hectic few days.”

“The young man there, you are with him aren’t you?”

I look over to Kieran who is watching the exchange with curiosity.

“He is a friend, yes.”

“He has the eyes of a lover my dear, hold him close.” Putting her hand out, I drop the pebble into it. I don’t know why I am doing what she has asked. I don’t think I am ready to hand it back, and yet still I do. Opening her bag she puts the small stone in and zips it up, patting me on the arm as she leaves. I watch her walk away before joining Kieran by the bus.

“Should I even ask what that was about?”

“I really have no idea. That was the kind woman who gave me the pebble, she just took it back.”

“She did? Why?”

“Apparently it has been good to me and someone else needs it.”

“Did you want to give it back?”

“Strangely not until she held out her hand. Then I felt I no longer needed it.”

“Just as well you ran into then or she would be looking for a new stone.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Come on Ms Strange. Let’s fill your belly.” Taking my hand Kieran leads me along the picturesque narrow roads. The pathways are much quieter than the tourist area we had just come from and with the sun beaming down; I pull Kieran’s hand to stop.

“Do we have much further to go?”

“Not far, I thought you would like the scenic route. Are you ok?”

“I’m getting hot Kieran, the sun is burning today.”

“Did you cream yourself this morning?” He asks in a sterner voice.

“I did but I think I just need the shade. It has been another eventful morning.”

Kieran places his hand on the back of my neck, “You’re very sweaty. I knew I should have brought the jeep.”

“Don’t be cross with yourself. It was my choice we walked so far.”

“No I should have thought this through. You have only been out of hospital a few days and all you have had to put up with since is bad news. Can you manage another five minutes?”

“Five minutes? I think so.”

Kieran lurches forward and picks me up from where I am standing carrying me with ease.

“What are you doing?” I ask while grasping my hands around his neck.

“What do you think?”

“You’re nuts. I can walk.”

“I’m not taking the chance of you collapsing. Not while you are with me.”

“But people are staring,” I look over his shoulder at the elderly woman we just passed. She stands on the edge of the pathway and smiles back at me while waving her hand. I try and wave back from behind Kieran but it is a weak wave.

“Rubbish, there is hardly anyone along this street. And anyway, I’m sure they will find it amusing.”

“Well I don’t.”

“Well you’re not exactly struggling.”

“Touché.”

Kieran laughs at my answer and his chest expands with his chuckle. His infectious sound makes me join him much to the amusement to the gentleman waiting to greet us at the door of the cafe. Letting me down slowly, my feet reach the floor and Kieran pulls the man into a bear hug. The stocky man holds him at arm’s length away after the hug, his height is no match to Kieran’s, he looks smiling and muttering something I am unable to understand. Turning his attention to me, he encloses me into his arms before holding on to my hand and bringing me into the cafe. The place is set out differently to the one in town, much less touristy, very homely looking and small. A cool breeze rotates from the fan positioned in the corner of the room and the gentleman guides me towards it.

“It is too hot for beautiful woman to be out, Kieran. What were you thinking off? Did I not teach you womanly respect?”

“Why do you think I was carrying her, Carlos?”

“Sit, sit, let me get you an ice cold drink, what would you like beautiful woman?”

“Just water please.” I ask now grateful for the cool surroundings I am in.

“I find you something to eat too. You look hungry.”

Kieran sits down in the high back chair beside me and nudges my arm.

“He likes you.”

“What do you mean, he likes me?”

“Carlos doesn’t cook food for everyone before he opens the door to the public.”

“You mean he isn’t even open? Why did you bring us here then?”

“Because I know how to cook a mean dish if Carlos was too busy to do it himself and I thought you would like this place.”

“You are a brazen man.”

“Haha you sound like my aunt. She has used that word many times for me.”

“No wonder. But you’re right. This is a lovely and cool place. I’m very pleased you kept what looks like original features.”

“You mean the tiled floor?”

“Yes the pattern is stunning on it.”

“I have no idea why anyone would want to take up flooring like that. It keeps the place cool too.”

“No air conditioning though?”

“Nope, these old places don’t really need it. They are built to keep the sun out. That fan is really for guests, like you.”

“I am enjoying it.”

“It looks like you are too, your hair is blowing in the breeze.”

Gathering up the strands of hair that must have fallen down on our way here, I push them under the elastic band. Kieran pulls my hand down, letting the wildly strands loose again.

“I like the wild look. It suits you.”

“Kieran, they were probably stuck to my neck in the heat. I will have to wash it when I get back to the hotel.”

“Will you need help?”

“Kieran! I think I am quite capable of showering by myself.” I smirk at him just as Carlos places the glass of crystal clear water on the table in front of me. I thank him and take a large mouthful, savouring the chill before I swallow. Kieran bends down to me and tells me that he will be back shortly before he follows Carlos through the door, that I expect, leads to the kitchen. I rest back into my seat now that my temperature feels like it has reached a cooler level. I can understand why Kieran lives on such a friendly island, it seems that everyone I have met so far is smiling and relaxed. It is such a different life than what I am used too.

A dark thought crosses my mind; in the past few days I have spent longer with Kieran then I did with Ryan the last few weeks we were together. Letting out a sigh reality starts to hit, tomorrow I won’t have any of these relaxed feelings, I won’t have Kieran looking out for me, feeding me and although I haven’t realised until now, but he is the one making me smile again, he has made me laugh. All that will be gone once my key turns in the door of my apartment and I enter the realm of my past. No one will be there to replace my little pebble. Oh god, the woman was right. I didn’t need the pebble for the last few days to give me strength. It was Kieran all along. I just never wanted to admit it to myself. Shit, my heart starts beating rapidly and I take another mouthful of water to try and stop my body shaking. I can’t tell Kieran what I’m thinking; it just wouldn’t be fair to him. Not after I have been keeping him at a distance. I have to go home to fix my life by myself. If after I have achieved that, he still wants me, then I will be back.

Slipping quietly from my seat, I leave the cafe and Kieran behind.

Walking along the beach at the front of the hotel with my sandals in my hand, I kick the sand between my toes. The cool morning grains flutter through the air and back on the beach. I stay close to the tide and welcome the rush of the waves calmly gathering around my heavy steps. Sighing, I don’t know why I feel disappointed that Kieran never came knocking at my door yesterday evening after he arrived back. I heard him out on his balcony, talking to someone on his phone but not in a language I understood. It was late when he arrived back too, missing the sunset over the horizon. I don’t blame him, I have run out on him yet again and showed him up in front of Carlos. He is probably sick of my hot and cold attitude, but I only want to protect him from being hurt. He doesn’t need someone in his life with the baggage I have right now. It isn’t fair on him. Leaving him behind is going to hurt me more than I ever thought. Packing my suitcase earlier just made me realise the quieter I leave, the better for both of us. Kieran can get back to his work, his home and his yacht.

Facing the sea, I take a couple of steps further into the waves and let the water lap up around my ankles. The tears that are falling are new ones, no longer for Ryan, no longer for the life I wanted with him, but for the one I had a glimpse at for the past few days. They stream down my cheeks for Kieran and the way he made me feel, good and bad. Folding my arms across my blue shirtdress, I let my body feel the loss of what it never had.

It’s the crunching of the sand I hear over the sound of the waves; I know I am no longer alone. As the steps came closer I refuse to turn around, no not refuse, ashamed. If he sees my face and the tears he will read through me.

Gently when he reaches me, he turns me around to face him, lifting my chin to see me clearly, and the truth in my tears. Taking a tissue from his jean pocket he carefully wipes away the dampness from each cheek.

“I knew you were here before I saw you,” I tell him with my voice trembling. “Your presence surrounds me like a warm blanket on a winter’s night Kieran.”

“You ran, again. I can’t cope with you running Julia. I’m not the bad one.”

“I know I’m just scared, so scared.”

“Life doesn’t need to be scary. You just have to live it.”

“I don’t know how to anymore.”

“Yes you do. Haven’t I been telling you how strong you are? But Julia every time you run, you take a piece of my trust with you.”

I can no longer let Kieran look at me. I don’t even deserve to have him as a friend the way I have behaved.

“Julia what time do you have to leave for your flight?”

“Soon.” I tell him while I take the tissue from his out stretched hand.

“Come, let me grab your case and put it in the jeep.”

“No need,” I mumble between my sniffles, “I have a taxi coming.”

“Oh Julia, you know I wanted to take you.”

“It’s best this way. No awkward goodbyes.”

“Shit, I can’t believe this is happening.” Kieran takes a few steps away and kicks the sand in frustration. At that moment I realise he too is barefoot. I can hear him swear again under his breath before he stomps back to me. Wiping away the rest of my tears, he holds my face in his warm hands.

“Julia, I can’t let you go. I mean, I know you have to sort out whatever crap is happening at home, but I can’t let you go not until you kiss me before you leave. I mean really kiss me. Let me taste you inside my mouth so I can hold on to that until I see you again. I want to consume you.”

I lift up my eyes and offer my lips to allow him to taste how I feel and let our mouths collide. The desperation is felt as our tongues tangle with each other. Fighting for air but not wanting to stop, I gasp a breath through a pause only to continue with just as much passion. Kieran’s arms wrap around me, his hands travel up my back and entwine in my hair. I can feel his heart pounding against my chest as he presses his body onto mine and I reach up to deepen my kiss. I hold tightly onto his t-shirt by his waist, not wanting the inevitable to happen.

Kieran’s kiss becomes slower, savouring the last few moments of our time together before I have to go. His tenderness feels like our last goodbye, something to keep in our memory but never to be repeated. His life will keep going, he will find another to be with and I will sort out my own. Placing small feathery kisses on my lips, Kieran pulls away reluctantly.

“The taxi will be here soon, I’ll help you get your case.”

“Kieran, I’m sorry to have brought all this on you.”

“The only thing I’m sorry about is that you’re leaving.”

“I have a lot to sort out.” I tell him as he holds out his hand and I take it wanting to feel close to him before the reality of home hits me.

Entering my room from the balcony, Kieran takes my packed case and I shut the door behind us. After settling up with the receptionist and finding out that any charges have already been dealt with, we stand outside the building waiting.

“You didn’t have to do that?”

“Do what, kiss you? Because god damn woman I have been wanting to do that for a long time.”

“I meant my bill. I was going to pay myself.”

“I know but you were my guest, remember, no matter where you were staying.”

“I really don’t like goodbyes Kieran. Why don’t you go back inside while I wait?”

“And leave you here by yourself?”

“I really want you to.”

“Why does this feel like more than a goodbye?”

“Maybe that is just the way life is. It doesn’t always end in fairy tales.”

“It could you know.”

“No Kieran it can’t. I wouldn’t put your life entangled with mine. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“Can you not let me decide that?”

“Kieran please, I have to do this by myself.”

“Julia, I want to be with you, to help you through it.”

“This time Kieran you can’t. I have to do it by myself. I want to do it by myself. Who knows what will happen in the future.”

“Will you come back here to the island?”

A blue car pulls up next to the curb and Kieran nods to the driver to acknowledge him. Pulling me towards him, he holds me tight.

“I’ll never forget you Jules. Never.” He whispers in my ear.

I am unable to look at him; I can’t let him see the tears gathering in my eyes. One blink and they will be falling freely down my cheek. In the short time I have known him not once has he called me by my preferred name and now it just seems too real. Taking my case from his clutched hand, I pass it to the driver who in turn places it inside the opened boot. Sliding into the back seat of the vehicle, I keep my gaze on the empty road ahead, waiting for the car to move. I can hear Kieran talking to the taxi driver but his words are hushed, his voice distinctively stern. Holding my handbag against me, I open it to retrieve my ticket and check the departure time. All the time wishing the driver would just get into the car and just leave. Minutes later he does and without a word between us, sets off to the airport.