Before You Leave: A Romance Novel (13 page)

The journey to the hotel was in silence. Kieran gave up on trying to explain why and probably accepts that I’m not going along with whatever game he seems to be playing. I’m sure now I’m here, he will find another way to occupy his time.

I check my bag to make sure I have a full bottle of water to bring out with me and search inside for my pebble. Strangely I didn’t need it at Kieran’s but right now I do. Opening the bag wide I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Taking out the water again, my brush, purse, book and a few essentials, I tip the bag upside down and shake it. Only sand from the other day and a scrunch up tissue falls out. I frantically unzip the pockets inside and search around with my fingers but nothing. I fall back onto the hotel bed feeling lost, a horrid realisation that I must have dropped it at the other beach when I collapsed. I have to go and check to see if it is still there. But the emptiness in my stomach knows how farfetched it would be if it were. Tide waits for no man, pebble or woman in my case. Surely I am owed one miracle and today please let it be my pebble.

Throwing all my items back into my bag, I slather on the sun protection, put on my glasses and hat before leaving the room in search for my pebble, glad no one is here trying to stop me venturing out on my own.

When I reach the locks I search out for the purple one again not bothering to look at the others. There is something familiar about the handwriting but I’m not sure what. I read it before letting it swing back into its place on the chain and carry on with my walk. By the time I get to the beach the sun is at its peak. Not wanting a repeat of the last time I quickly walk over to the place I vaguely remember being. Today there are many more sun worshippers occupying the beach but my spot is still empty. With my sandaled feet I move the sand around to see if it is lying on the surface. Nothing but smooth sand filtered through my toes. I try to think if the sea travels up this far but the sand is too dry to tell. Getting on my hands and knees I begin to dig. The soft sand keeps falling back into the hole, restocking the more I am digging. I didn’t mean for the tears to start up, they aren’t welcome here in public but the unbelievable gut wrenching, deflated feeling just washes over me. Sitting back on my heels, I don’t even bother to fight them back and just let them fall. I realise that my life will never be a happy one, how can it be when even the pebble I was given can’t be kept safe.

Everything I treasure, I lose.

Kieran should be grateful for me leaving his home. What would happen to him if I stayed and believed all his lies? I am better off being alone. Allowing myself a few more minutes of self-pity, I wipe my face clean with a tissue from my bag and tell myself; this is the last time my eyes will be filled. I need to be strong and get used to a life alone.

Standing up the soft sand falls from me leaving my knees a little red. In all my time kneeling I didn’t register how hot the sand would be. I just didn’t feel it.

Making my way off the sand I trail the same way home again a little slower. Maybe Sarah was right, maybe I am the kind of person who needs minding and that is why she wanted me to stay with Kieran. I make a promise to myself as I pass the purple lock again, it’s time to leave this island, but first I really need to buy a lock of my own and maybe leave a message of hope.

*****

For the rest of the day I walk up and down the promenade stopping in shops along the strip catering for the tourist like me. Sarah sent a text to say she had made it home and would call tomorrow to chat, as she is exhausted. I’m glad she didn’t ring, the last thing I want is to explain why I left Kieran’s, and I will tell her tomorrow. With a few small gifts to take back to decorate my apartment and a tiny pink lock I headed back to the hotel. The day has worn me out immensely. As soon as I enter my room and lay on the bed, my eyes close.

It is my stomach that wakes me to let me know I have forgotten to feed it since the bread I ate at Kieran’s before his revelation. Not wanting to leave the room, I call for room service and order more food than I should. It isn’t until I pull back the curtains, that were closed when I entered the room earlier, that I notice the sun has already set. Unlocking the patio doors, I step out onto the balcony overlooking the sea. A small table and two chairs fit nicely at one end and right then I knew that is where my food will be eaten. Obliviously I had slept for much longer than I thought at first. Sitting at the table, I watch people on the beach walking hand in hand, and some just straggling along on their own. I wonder if they are missing someone in their lives. Lately it isn’t Ryan that has been clouding my thoughts and that worries me a little. I get up to answer the knock at the door leaving my thoughts behind. I couldn’t resist ordering their homemade bread with a portion of chips and paella. An odd combination that even the person at the end of the phone sounded unsure. But I wanted to sample the fish dish again just to see if I could stomach it.

Leaving the dishes on the table and a large bottle of still water, I hand a tip to the young man. As he leaves I sit back down on the patio and start with the chips, just to line my stomach with something familiar. They do taste good and eat a few more before starting on the paella. Taking my first mouthful I chew fast and swallow without savouring the taste. It takes me another three more mouthfuls before I take the next slowly. The prawns taste so fresh and sweet in my mouth but something is missing. I just can’t put my finger on it. Breaking off some bread I feel a little disappointed it isn’t warmed up. The red pieces inside I am guessing is sundried tomatoes and as I bite down it doesn’t melt into my mouth. It’s not Kieran’s.

Why does everything have to go back to him? Even the food that smells unbelievably good has no taste. Pushing the two dishes aside I sit back and just eat the chips and drink the water. Why did he have to spoil this holiday? I hadn’t even left the plane and he was there. What was he doing on the flight anyway? I let my mind wonder and make up the silliest reasons for him to be on the same plane. Even thinking he had been stalking me at home and got on the same flight because of me, but that was farfetched considering I hadn’t really left my apartment much since that day with Ryan. Maybe he has a lover, a family or even several women he goes back to keep company but I dismiss that before I dwell on it. I don’t want to think of him around someone else even though I have pushed him far enough away from me.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe I should have let him explain why he has been near stalking me since day one. I don’t know what is worse, not knowing the truth or knowing the truth and not liking it.

Overcome with tiredness again and my appetite now gone I go back inside, leaving the tray outside the door in the corridor, hoping that it is the right thing to do.

Stripping off I let the warm water run over me in the shower, minding my scorched knees and my healing skin in doing so. With no choice but to use the shower gel supplied I squeeze it on to my palm and rub it carefully over my body to wash the day away, but all it is doing is reminding me that this isn’t the wonderful smooth moisturising lotion from Kieran’s bathroom. Even the towel I wrap around me afterwards makes my heart sink further. No soft gentle fluffy touch either.

Sinking on the bed I pick up my phone and check the screen. No missed calls or texts. I shouldn’t be surprised, I doubt that Kieran has my number and Sarah has already been in contact, which leaves Abigail. I’ve not heard a word from her since I was taken to hospital and she rushed home. I hope her business is ok. Maybe that’s why she hasn’t got in touch, she has just been too busy. Ryan used to tell me how dedicated Abigail was to her work, no wonder she got pissed off with me a few times since arriving. The poor woman has had to deal with so much, staying at home wasn’t an option for her. She must have thought I was very selfish hiding out for the nearly eight months. And what am I doing now? I’m in a room on my own hiding away again. I am sure Kieran hates me right now for walking out of his place after everything he has done for me and Sarah.

Making my mind up yet again to actually do something to change, I decide tomorrow I will look for Kieran and listen to what I should have done today.

I just hope he will want to talk to me.

*****

I awake to the morning sun from a night of twists and turns. Dreams of silhouetted people, pebbles and me running fast across the beach. Rolling out of the double bed, I throw back the curtains, open the doors and take a deep breath in. The salty sea smells so good; leaning on the low balcony I watch the tide flow in before dragging out again. My room is so close to the beach that when I close my eyes and really listen I can nearly hear the sand filtering through the waves as it too is dragged under the tide. The sound of my mobile phone rings in the bedroom, leaving the peaceful scenery, I go back in. Sarah’s picture, the one I took at my engagement party, shows up. Swiping to answer the call that I was expecting later this evening.

“Hey Sarah.” Before I could say another word Sarah cuts in and not with a welcoming tone.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“What have I done?”

“Where are you Jules?”

“Sitting on a bed in a hotel.” As soon as the words left my mouth I realise what the call is about.

“Exactly my point, why the hell did you walk out of Kieran’s. Good god can you stop being a diva for one day and accept the help of others.”

“Did Kieran call you then?” My mood deteriorating fast from hearing they were in contact while I have been here.

“As a matter of fact I text him last night and he only messaged me today. All he said was you were staying at a hotel for the rest of your stay. God woman, can I not leave you for five minutes. Do you have any idea how much help that man has been?”

“And do you know how much stalking he has done?”

“Look if you are revering to the day we arrived, he explained all that to me.”

“So he didn’t tell you about being at the apartment that day, twice. Or finding me at the cafe when you guys went shopping oh and let’s not forget the time I was sitting quietly on the rocks and he just magically appeared. Do you see how wrong all that is?”

With the phone pressed up against my ear I hear Sarah let out a deep sigh.

“It’s not what you think.”

“Really? It wasn’t that long ago you warned me against him, told me to stay well clear. Why is it different now?”

“I thought you trusted me” Sarah speaks to me in a softer tone, one that seems like she knows something that I don’t.

“I do trust you.”

“Didn’t I say he was sound and will look after you? I trusted you to stay with him to recover so you can make the journey home and you bolted.”

“Everything he said Sarah just sounded wrong. I feel like I have been watched since the day I landed and that isn’t right, is it?”

“Putting it like that, no it doesn’t. Did he not want to explain to you, oh no I bet you left without listening. Jules you can be a stubborn woman, gorgeous but very stubborn.”

“I know but he did say he had explained it to you already. I thought it was an excuse not to tell me. That is why I am going to find him today to apologise and ask him to explain. I think I might have to tell him about Ryan too. Maybe that might make him understand why my behaviour has been out of sorts.”

“That sounds like a good idea. Give him a chance, I know you’re not looking for romance but he seems like a guy who will be a good friend to you. He is exactly what you need right now.”

“Will you text me his number?”

“Of course, I will do it now before I take a shower and head off to work.”

“Have you heard from Abigail since you have been back?”

“Briefly, but only to say I am home. I haven’t heard from her since.”

“Me neither, I hope she is ok?”

“Knowing Abi, she will be fine working her butt off.”

“Yeah, that is what Ryan used to say too.”

“I will call you tonight and I don’t want to be having to get cross with you. Go and find Kieran, talk to him and get well.”

“Will do. Talk to you later.”

I wait until the line goes dead before I leave the phone on the bedside cabinet. What does Sarah know that I don’t? She has been up and down about Kieran since the first time I spoke about him and yet after spending time with him at the hospital, he can do no wrong. What were they talking about over their coffee? A tightness pulls on my stomach, I don’t want to think about them talking over a coffee in the hospital canteen intimately or in the corridor while I was lying in the bed. The thought is too much for me and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I know Sarah wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise things between her and Justin. So why am I feeling angry that she has had time alone with Kieran, talking, I presume, about things I know nothing about. And she has his phone number too.