Before You Leave: A Romance Novel (9 page)

The early bright sun wakes me. Stretching my arms above my head I roll off my back onto my right side. Abigail is already in the kitchen, kettle in her hand running it under the tap.

“I thought we was using the large bottled water for that, Abigail?” I call out to her hoping she can hear me over the sound of the running water. Turning the tap off she looks through the gap of the partition wall.

“Well we were running low. I can’t see what all the fuss is about when the water will be boiled anyway.”

“I suppose you’re right. Normally that is what we would do, isn’t it?” I sit up in my bed and wrap the sheet around my body. I’m warm from the imposing sun but somehow talking to Abigail makes me want to cover up.

“Is anything normal anymore, Julia?” Feeling a little guilty that today is the first day I have woken without having to cover my eyes from the imposing sun I answer, “No Abigail, nothing has been normal for a long time, but what is normal?”

“Who the fuck knows?” She answers bitterly and carries on filling the kettle from the tap. Her attitude on this trip has been less than favourable towards me. I should ask Sarah if this is her usual behaviour but I know I won’t. I don’t want to cause any friction between the two. I just wish I knew what I’ve done to upset her.

Getting out of the bed to go to the bathroom, my head starts to spin. Putting my hand up I use the wall to steady myself. Oh god, I must have drunk too much last night. Feeling light headed I walk quickly to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. Crouching down on the floor once I am in there. The pain shooting through my scull is agonising.

Surely I didn’t drink that much.

Leaning forward, I rest my head in my hands and wait for the pain to subside, but it isn’t until I can feel my stomach twisting that I realise I need to reach the toilet and quick.

It takes another ten minutes before I can leave the room. The contents of last night now washed away and the pain has dulled to an ache. I stagger to the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water. Sarah watches me with her eyes brows raised.

“Whatever you drank last night, I’m glad I didn’t have any. You look like shit.”

“Thanks, I feel like shit right now too. I need water.”

“Here let me get it for you.”

“No you’re fine. I just need to get to the fridge.”

“Will you just go and sit outside to get some air. I’ll bring it out to you.”

I glance quickly over to Abigail who is now standing at the door. She stares back at me blankly and I know I’ve pissed her off.

“I said it is fine Sarah.” I say a little too abruptly and reach in to take out the water bottle. Taking a glass from the cupboard, I fill it up and replace the bottle before leaving the kitchen, hitting off Abigail accidentally as I pass.

With my pyjama shorts and Ryan’s t-shirt on, I walk out and over to the pool to dangle my feet into the cool water. I can’t believe I spoke to Sarah in that way. She has been nothing but kind and understanding, but the look Abigail gave me fuelled my anger. Swirling the water around with my feet to help my body cool down, I promise myself to stay out of her way for the rest of my stay here. Thankfully there are only two days left.

“Here you might need these.” Sarah sits down beside me and hands over two Aspirin.

“I’m so sorry Sarah, I just haven’t been me lately.” Throwing the tablets to the back my throat, I take a gulp of water to wash them down and lean my head onto her shoulder.

“Hey it’s ok.  I don’t know what’s up with Missy inside. She has been acting strange since we arrived. I think today we should just laze about, you really don’t look good.”

“I’d like that, thank you. I guess I drank too much last night. As for Abigail, maybe she has her demons too. She did lose a partner to her company.”

“Yeah, I suppose. You ok here while I go and have a chat to her, see if she is ok about staying here for the day?”

“I’m fine, I’ll grab a shower and put on one of the bikinis you packed. I don’t know how you managed to stuff in so much stuff in such a small case.”

“All from experience my dear.” Sarah tells me while smoothing my hair from my face and wiping the tear that I had been trying to hold back.

“Don’t forget to wear your glasses or should I say, my glasses, today. Cover up those eyes ok sweet?”

“Okay I will. You know I love you don’t you?”

“I do, how can you not? I have good taste in all things.”

“Go you daft woman. I’ll be in soon.”

Sarah gets up and wipes her backside from where she was sitting. Her nightwear consisting of just a long t-shirt that barely reaches the top of her thighs.

“Don’t slip in that pool. There isn’t any hunky lifeguards here to jump in and save you.” She says over her shoulder while I watch her walk back to the apartment.

*****

I stay sitting outside for a while longer. With no watch on, I can only guess the time. Some of the surrounding apartments start opening their sliding doors and a whiff of cooked breakfasts reaches me, unsettling my stomach. Taking it as my cue to retreat back into the apartment, I pick up my empty glass and go back inside.

I can feel the temperature cool as I enter and it isn’t solely due to the air conditioning fan being on.

“You don’t have to do that Sarah, I’ll do that.” I tell Sarah as she stops folding my sheet from the sofa bed, holding her arms wide in mid-fold.

“Okay, I was just tidying up. I’ll pop on some toast and a cook couple of slices of that bacon we picked up the other day. Would you like some?” Sarah asks me as I take the sheet from her.

“I’ll do something once I’m dressed. It’ll give time for those tablets to kick in.” I reply.

“Is your head still sore?”

“Just a little, I might go for a walk later. Some coastal air might do me good.”

“Now that’s sounds like a great idea. I’ll pack a picnic and come with you.”

Finishing the folding I start pulling the fitted sheet of the bed avoiding looking at Sarah as I answer.

“I’m going to go alone. Just need some me time for an hour.”

“Oh, and do you know where you’re going?” 

“Kind of, I saw some steps leading up to a path. When I checked the maps in the welcome pack, it leads to another beach.”

“So you have it all worked out then, nice. I thought we were all staying put today. No adventures.”

“I think I need to clear my head. Just me, the sand and the blue sea for miles.”

“Well don’t forget to coat yourself with sun lotion, wear a hat and please use my glasses.”

“I will and thank you, again,” stopping what I am doing I face Sarah, “You are the best, best friend I have. What would I do without you?” Opening my arms I hold Sarah, hugging her tight. The remnant of yesterday activities still clings to her hair, but Sarah is still under there. Her shampoo from a famous designer that she always uses over rides any other aroma and I just love her. Love her for the way she pulled me out of the hole I had been lying in for so long. The way she gave me the space I needed until I didn’t need it anymore. That was the day she nearly broke through my door. That day was only five days ago and now she is giving me time yet again. I need to get my shit together; I need to show her I can live without Ryan.

Sarah squeezes me back. I think she knows.

“You need to get your breakfast and I need to finish this.” I disengage from her tight arms and start fussing over a pillow. Sarah wipes her eyes with the back of her hand as she walks in to the kitchen. Something hits the floor, making a faint noise, from the bed and rolls underneath. Leaving the sheet in a heap, I crouch down and peer under. There in the middle, is my pebble. It must have dropped out of my hand while I slept and was in the bed. I try to reach for it but the pebble is too far underneath. I finish putting the bed away, folding the base until it disappears into the frame and throw the cushions back on. There on the floor, easy to reach, is my little pebble. Picking it up, I put it into my bag for safekeeping.

That little stone is coming with me on my walk.

I couldn’t face having any breakfast, not yet anyway. Instead I took a long shower to freshen up after the episode I had this morning, while Abigail and Sarah were sat outside. After dressing in my blue shorts and string top, I pack a sandwich, an apple and a bottle of water with the sun cream, putting the items in my bag. I don’t need to carry the map, I’ve memorised the path leading across the coast and it looks simple enough to find so I leave it in the pack on the table. The Aspirin has kicked in; relieving the pain I had this morning a great deal.

All I needed to do is go.

“Right ladies, I’m off. Save me a seat by the pool for later, I shouldn’t be long.” Putting on my
all is ok
voice for them both. I throw my bag over my shoulder as I rock on the heel of my sandals by the patio table. Abigail doesn’t look my way to acknowledge me, carrying on sipping her morning coffee but Sarah stands up and gives me a quick hug, whispering in my ear to keep safe.

*****

Taking a lungful of air at the bottom of the steps I retrieve the water out of my bag, unscrew the top and take a mouthful. Swishing around the insides of my mouth to quench the dryness from my short walk here. The sun has reached its peak making me hot and sweaty. Placing the bottle back into my bag I start the climb. Trailing my hand along the wall that is separating the ocean fall and me, the bumpy stone is cool to the touch. I read that these steps are popular to both local and tourist and I can understand why. The view when I eventually reach the top is exceptional. Leaning over the railing, the sea gently splashes up the side of the rocks underneath me only reaching a little way up before retreating. The breeze is welcoming but it blows my hair over my face blocking my view. Taking a hairband out of my pocket, I take off my hat and pull my hair back to gather it into a bun, replacing my hat and adjusting my glasses afterwards. All the way up the steps I notice locks left behind on the railing that is on top of the stone wall. Love locks, I remember them being called.

Each one a little bit of a memory left to swing in the cool breeze and stay until their owner returns or not. On my way up the steps I didn’t stop to read any of them, even though I was tempted. I wanted to make it all of the way to the top without falling apart after reading love message after love message. Now I‘m here, now that I’m standing right beside a cluster of locks, the temptation to look at one is too much. Turning the smallest one I find, hoping the smaller means less writing, it simple reads
TB 4 KD,
pretty effective I guess for the room they had to write it. I wonder if they are still together. Looking at the underneath reads the year
1999.
Millennium holiday or romance, I wonder. I refuse to dwell on it though. I don’t want to think that far back or about how I celebrated the big count down. It feels like such a long time ago. A large purple lock catches my attention. This one seems out of place compared to the others. Stretching my neck to look back where I walked and squint my eyes along the railing. I can’t see for certain, but most of the colours are brass, yellow, orange and even blue. The yellow and orange being the luminous stand out, but purple is definitely rare. Leaving the smaller one behind, I move over towards it and hold the heavy weight in my hand. Black permanent pen in neat handwriting is scribed on the front.

R Our love is ours & ours alone,

Turning it over it continues,

No one can come between us. A

Such beautiful heartfelt words pull at my own heart. Whoever wrote this is seem deeply in love. I trace the words with my finger and wonder what kind of couple would have left their feelings behind. The writing looks like a woman’s, the way the letters curve, small and neat; I am guessing the initials left at each end are the couple in question. Did her partner tell her what to write, did they write it together, sitting at the pool one day or lying in bed thinking of words to leave behind? Or did she walk off by herself, just like I have, and write it as a surprise for him. I could be completely wrong in thinking it is even a man and a woman. Maybe it is a man and his lover. Who knows? No matter who wrote it, it is romantic and something I will never be able to do for Ryan. Unless.

My head runs through a hundred things and it aches. The pain I had this morning shoots back and I hold onto my forehead waiting for the pressure to subside. Counting to ten in hope it will help it go away.

It wasn’t until I reach thirty that it does, well enough for me to sit down on a bench close by. Gulping back the rest of the water I have left in my bottle to quench the overwhelming thirst I have, it seems like another ten minutes and at least twenty people walk past that I am able to stand. Maybe it is the heat of the sun, yet again, making my head hurt. I must have been standing in the same spot longer than I realised and got overheated while I was reading the locks. Thinking that the best thing to do is to carry on with my walk, I get up and continue on the path to the beach knowing that my water is bottle is empty. I only hope there is a shop of some kind or a water fountain I can refill when I reach the other bay as this walking is making me very thirsty. When I memorised the map, the path looked short enough, but I forgot to take the sun into account. God I hate the sun. What the fuck am I doing here? Not only am I burning up with each step I’m taking, not even the cool coastal breeze is helping right now, but the pain in my head is hovering just below the surface. I wish I’d brought some of those Aspirin that Sarah gave me earlier, but then she would have asked questions. No nothing is going to stop me from getting to that other beach. I just want to sit, look out to the sea and bury my feet into the cool damp sand. That isn’t much to ask for, is it?

Taking me another long and hard twenty minutes of walking, I drag my feet the last fifty yards towards the dark-sanded beach in front of me. The soles of my feet start to ache when the pathway becomes dusty causing my sandals to slip a few times the nearer I get. The incline doesn’t help either. I really must start a fitness regime when I get back. I’ve been idle for too long, wallowing in my darkness.

Going barefoot, I take the first step onto the hot sand. For a brief moment I allow the sun to hit my face while I take the salty air into my lungs. This place really is isolated. It seems that only a handful of people have ventured this far off the track and are spaced far apart in their own little haven. Feeling my feet starting to burn I hop from one leg to the other, attempting to put my shoes back on at the same time. All the time swearing under my breath the longer it is taking me to try to keep balanced. Now my feet are able to walk back onto the sand, I trample over the soft ground to find an area of my own. Behind the beach is a sand dune that stretches out further than I can see. The rough patch of hilly dry mounds of sand, walls the beach from the flat ground that I am standing on. Taking out my small towel from the bag, I place it down on the spot by the coved dunes and sit down. Kicking off my shoes I stretch my toes outwards towards the sea keeping them on the towel so they don’t get burnt. Closing my eyes I listen to the smooth swishing of the water that travels half way up the beach and then filters the sand as it retreats. I always feel at home when I’m at the beach and today I really needed to be away from Abigail’s glare. I’ve tried while we have been here; I’ve joined in with their trips and outings. A part of me enjoyed them, another felt guilty once we returned, but today I just want to be here on my own. Nothing but the ocean for miles and the hot sand underneath me, but strangely enough, I’m feeling lonely. I want to share this with someone. I want to be sitting with someone and laughing at how silly I was taking off my shoes on the hot sand, at how I nearly fell trying to put them back on and how my head still hurts. I want that person to tell me it will get better; to tell me everything will be ok. I want all of that. I wanted it with Ryan although some days he was just too busy to notice little things like I did. He worked long hours and his mind was never relaxed in the late evening when he came home. He had to put in the hours to make the money and keep the business running. Abigail never seemed to look stressed though the few times I did have to go into the shop. She always looked like she was floating on air. She always had a smile on her face and her cheeks were glowing. I wonder what changed her since we arrived here, or is that the way she has been since she lost her partner at work. Thinking about him brings back the guilty feeling again, guilty that I have been mourning for far too long when others who worked with him and I’m sure, loved him in their own way, have had to get on with life. How selfish have I been?

Rampaging through my bag I take out my little pebble. Holding it between my finger and thumb its domed surface reflects off the sun. I rub my finger from my other hand, over the top of it. The surface has already warmed up from being in my bag. It amazes me that something so irrelevant, so small, brings me relief when I think about Ryan again. Is this what the woman meant when she gave it to me? Did she lose someone some time ago and this little pebble helped her? Is that why she called it her healing stone? Oh little pebble, I really hope you work as well for me as you seemed to have done for her.

Lying back on the towel I keep the pebble in my hand across my chest, pull the sunhat over my face to shield me as much as I can from the sun and take a deep breath in. Slowly I breathe out again and try to relax, listening to the sea. My thoughts don’t go straight to Ryan but onto that purple lock I read. It is like a riddle that I want to solve. Where they secret lovers, or just wrote something only for them to understand and not just any reader, like me. At this moment I have the urge to buy a lock. I want to leave my memory behind on the railing and if I ever return, see if it is still there. See if another lock would be needed.

A proper lock.

A real lovelock.

That to me feels like a million miles away, but I already have my mind set. When I leave the beach I will buy a lock before going back to the Sarah and write a short message on it just for me. I start yawning and all of a sudden I feel a little dizzy and very sleepy. It must be the walk here that is making me feel this way. Maybe if I rest for a moment I will feel refreshed and then I’ll eat the sandwich I brought with me. But now the ache in my head is returning and I must close my eyes.