Beauty (15 page)

“That enough!” Michael ordered and I turned my smile on him.

“Awww Mikey…
S
weet
wi
ttle Mikey. Stop fucking bugging me okay!? I got your emails, I got the stupid pictures, I even got the stupid voicemail you left me! I
’m
not your fucking girl, I’m not even your fucking friend!” I was shouting now, but there was no on
e
around to hear or even stop me, so my voice rose even louder. “The only reason why I even hung around any of you was because I was too fucking fat to make any friends on my own. Well guess what…that’s changed now…” I struck a model pose, my hands on my hips. “I don’t need you coming around here, banging on my door, and embarrassing me. Get the fuck out and don’t come back!” I snapped, grabbing the door so that I could slam it in their faces.

“Are you on drugs?
!
” Michael blurted,
and I
stopp
ed
cold.

Abbey’s sniffles were the only sound puncturing the silence that settled almost instantly.
Michael’s hand was pushing back against the door, holding it open while he waited for an answer.
My eyes narrowed, and I held my neck stiff, my chin lifting so that I looked down my nose at the three of them.

“Get. The
. Fuck. Out!
” I growled,
anger surging through me like
wild fire.

I wanted to punch him right in his pudgy little face, kick him in his nuts and watch him fall backwards, groaning in pain, but I couldn’t move. How had he known…? I didn’t look like I was on drugs…
did I?
I wasn’t a junkie… Junkies were rail thin, with scabs all over their arms. They had the shakes when they walked around and they all had that hollow look in their eyes like they’d been lost for forever and couldn’t remember where they’d been going. Of course I wasn’t on drugs…! I got a fix here and there…sure…but a hardcore user…no. That wasn’t me.

“The Sunnyview annual ball is in a couple days… George has been asking about you. He’ll be disappointed if you don’t show up,” Michael murmured, hi
s palm sliding from the door
to his side.

Our gazes met
for the second it took
me to swing the door back and push it forward –hard.
The bang of it slamming shut
rattled the single window in my bedroom, and I exhaled on a sigh. I’d never gone more than a day without going to see George…I missed him.

I listened as their footsteps retreat
ed
out of the dorm suite and back down the hall. When I could no longer hear them talking I backed towards my bed and collapsed, my arms wrapped tightly around m
y waist
. Fuck them… I knew I wasn’t thinking straight, but…Fuck ‘em. I was going through something they’d never und
erstand. I didn’t need them now;
I had Becca…a real friend.

**********

After a long hot shower, I felt better about my morning
. M
y high had peaked and I’d spent a full hour watching the droplets of water bounce off my skin before finally washing.
I’d been smarter about shopping for new clothes the last time, so there were a range of sizes for me to choose from when it came to picking an outfit to wear to the nursing home. I wanted George to like the new me…
For some reason…
his opinion suddenly mattered more than anything.

My hair had never curled well, but I took my time anyway, separating my plain dark tresses into tiny pieces and the
n spiraling them s
o that they
hung in gentle waves about my face. Watching Becca put on makeup, I’d learned a few tricks and admired my handy work once I was finished. It was
n’t
the slutty dark look I’d worn the last couple nights, but my face sti
ll looked pretty, my cheeks rosy thanks to
the light blush I’d used.

I didn’t have the heart to step on the scale and see how much weight I’
d gained this time
. I’d need at least a line to process whatever new weight I was at, but
going to the nursing home high was not an option.
I’d never be able to hide that from George.

My mother was a firm believer in wearing Spanx under everything she owned. It compressed most of her rolls and made her look less overweight than she really was. She’d even bought me my own pair –two sizes too small-and I’d refused to open the package until now. With the bright yellow sun dress I’d picked out and my less bulgy frame, I didn’t feel as hindered wearing it now as I would have at three hundred and
fifty-three pounds.

Just as I gave m
yself a once over in the mirror,
a knock on my door made me jump, anger surging through me once more. Michael just didn’t know how to take a hint, and with my high wearing off, the words I had on the tip of my tongue were even less friendly
than what I’d said before
.

“What?!” I snapped as I threw open the door, my purse shoved under my arm.

“Damn…! Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed…” Becca laughed, holding her hands up in defense at the dangerous scowl I wore.

“Geez…sorry,” I sighed, relaxing my tense shoulders. “I thought you were…ugh
…
.nobody…doesn’t matter. I was just heading out…”

“Yeah. I can see that. Y
ou look…nice,” she smiled genuinely, taking a step back to admire my dress and made up face.

“I do clean up pretty good; don’t I?
” I laughed, suddenly glad I’d decided not to get high before leaving.

Becca had shadowed me most of last night, catching me twice in the bathroom snorting lines. She was my friend…yes, but she was taking it overboard trying to protect me when she did the exact same thing. I’d ditched her before she finished her last dance on stage, texting her
once I was safely back in my room
to say I wasn’t feeling well.

“You disappeared last night…
Y
our text said you were sick, so I was just stopping by. Checking on a friend,” she followed me as I locked my bedroom door and headed out of the suite.

“Yeah…stomach cramps…probably my period…I crashed as soon as I came home…”

“Your period…? So you went and got checked out…got the pill?”

“Yeah,” I nodded as we descended the stairs, anxious to move the conversation away from me.

I didn’t want to talk about Jeremy, his friends or the rape.

“Where are you headed anyway…you look nice too,” I offered as we exited the building, me ready to make an escape in my car.

“Oh…this,” she indicated the short jean skirt and white tank she wore. “Thought maybe you’d want to go for a swim or catch a movie before work tonight… You’re coming back aren’t you…”

Shit…I haven’t told her yet…

I’d been so high when Tro
y pulled me aside last night, that I’d laughed his words off, figuring I had enough money to last me a while. He was just like all the others… If I didn’t lose weight, I couldn’t come back to dance at the club. Some of the customers last night had complained about my flab. Playing it over in my head now, heat crept into my cheeks, and my eyes lowered to the keys in my hand before speaking again.

“Um…I’m not sure I want to do it again. I was in a bind…but that’s not me. Good girl and all that…” I reminded her with a half smile and a shrug.

“I’m actually relieved…” Becca sighed slowly. “I couldn’t help but feel like I was corrupting you… You’re the girl I wanted to be. Good and all that…” she repeated my words, giving my shoulder a playful punch. “You have family and friends that care about you. You don’t need to do this…any of it,” she added softly.

If only she knew…

“I’ll catch up with you later… I’m running a little late,” I replied, forcing a full smile this time.

I didn’t wait for her response. I was down the sidewalk and headed to the parking lot before she’d moved. When I was fat everyone thought they knew what was best for me. Weight watchers hadn’t work
ed
. Diet and exercise hadn’t worked
–not that I’d tried very hard—
and my mother’s constant nagging hadn’t worked either. Being skinny was supposed to be different. I should have been on top of the world, but for some reason everything was falling down around me and much faster. There was no way Becca could know what I needed.
I
didn’t even know.

Chapter 13*

“May I help you?” Nurse Mars peeked at me from over top of her teal reading glasses as I entered the foyer of Sunnyview nursing home and rehabilitation center.

I was taken aback for a moment that she didn’t recognize me, but then caught sight of my reflection in the glass double door to the right and broke out into a smile.

“Nurse Mars it’s me…Evelyn…” I answered, holding out my arms for her to inspect me fully.

“Evelyn…? Oh wow…! Look at you?! How much weight have you lost?! Wasn’t it just last week…or the week before…no…it was…”

“I’m fine Nurse Mars,” I giggled at her loss of focus. “I’m not sure how much weight I’ve lost. I was sick, and I didn’t want to come in here and infect any of the residents. I know how fragile they can be.”

Another lie, but at least it was the same lie I’d told Michael, Abbey and Buster. At least there’d be no need to cover my tracks.

“Well that’s true. Poor George though
t you weren’t coming back again, and with the ball being tomorrow…
You know he gets his hopes up every y
ear that his daughter will come
visit
,
but…”

“George…
! T
hat’s who I came to see…”

“Well he’s in the
rec room as usual. Those board
games…
” she shook her head, a tsking sound following.
“Hasn
’t found anyone th
at can beat him at checkers yet!
” she laughed, still eyeing my body from the neck down.

“I’ll head in there.
When I’m done…
I
f you need some help…I’m free,” I added, a warm fuzzy feeling coming over me when she smiled wide.

I used to help her all the time. They were always short staffed here, which meant that she pulled twelve sometimes fourteen hour shifts with no company from the other nurses. George would be happy to see me hang around for a while, and I wanted to do something good for a change.

“Surprise,” I greeted George with my hands held over his eyes a
nd a quick peck on his wrinkled
cheek.

I laughed when he jumped
at the sound of my voice, twisting in his wheelchair to confirm that it was really me.

“Miss…Evelyn…” he smiled tenderly, soft brown eyes crinkling as they met mine.

I moved around so that he could see me better, my breath holding at what he would say. The look on his face was the first I
’d
seen from anyone since my dramatic transformation.

“You’re…you’re angry?” I whispered, sinking down into the chair across from him, my hands wrapped around my waist.

His jaw had set firm, his mouth nothing more than a thin line now as he looked at me.

“What have
you done to yourself Miss Evel
yn
? Trying to please the ones you think you want to be like still…
?
” he stated rather than asked, disapproval evident in his tone. “I can’t remember for shit these days, but there are two things that I never forget…my daughter…and when I first met you.”

Silence settled on his words, my eyes lowering from his gaze. I was embarrassed. George was one of the first residents I’d met when I came to do m
y volunteer hours at Sunnyview,
and he’d ended up being the one to become a real friend to me over the last year. I’d continued to come here every day after my hours were fulfilled, mainly because of him. He was the only one that knew how unhappy I was with myself. He shared his war stories that he said he couldn’t even talk about with a therapist, and I shared the miserableness of my life. He’d always told me to just be myself. Be healthy for me, and let the rest sort itself out. He’d never understood that there was no just being happy for me. Fat had always equaled up to unhappiness in my life. I could never be happy like that.

“George I know what I’m probably going to say is going to sound crazy….” I whispered, my shaking fingers clenched together tightly as I leaned towards him.

The light was back in his eyes, and he laughed with a smack on his knee. “Try me Miss Evelyn just try me. I’ve seen and heard it all just about. There’s nothing someone as young as you can shock me with.”

“It’s crazy…” I started, my eyes lowered once again. “I’ve wished and wished -ever since I can remember-for a skinny body. It’s been the only thing holding me back from life ya know…? I mean being skinn
y would mean that I wouldn’t be the pun of every fat joke…
People wouldn’t look at me as if I had a problem with food… I would have friends… My parents wouldn’t hate me… Life would just be…”