Beauty (14 page)

“I have a condition…” I finally said, the lie forming as I spoke. “Rapid weight loss and gain…I’
ve battled
with it for years… When I’m up…I’m really up there…but when I’m down…well…it’s depressing. I’m not myself. I missed my first day of Thermodynamics. I can’t fit into any of my new clothes. I
’m
too fucking jittery to think, and my mother….
” I threw up my hand
s, tears pooling
as I lo
oked helplessly into her confused
green eyes… “She hates me
!
”

It was true, and i
t a
ll came tumbling out so fast
I was starting to cry again. Becca was still in shocked, but she threw her arm around me anyway, leading me
slowly
over to the sofa.
She looked as if she were about to pull me into her arms and comfort me, but that wasn’t what I needed…I couldn’t wait any longer.

“How much coke will two hundred and
fifty dollars get me?” I blurt
ed
out, pulling the crumpled money from my pocket.

I’d spent more than I’d planned on new clothes, and it was all I had left. I flinched as Becca looked at me open mouthed, her hand falling from my shoulder as she plopped down beside me.

“You don’t want to get hooked on that shit Evelyn…”

“Don’t call me that!” I snapped, and felt instantly guilty. “Please…” I added, my voice so soft it sounded strained.

“Look I know you’re going through a hard time right now…”

“You have no idea…”

“Did you report the rape…?”

You mean rapes
…plural…with an S.

“No…it’s nobody’s business…”

“Eve…”

“Look are you a dealer or not? I really just need to chill out Becca…a breather you know… Please…” I added, my tone almost desperate now.

Her mouth opened as if to protest, but the
n snapped
shut. My eyes closed
in relief as she stood and walked over to the T.V. stand in the corner. Where most people k
ept DVD
cases stacked in blocks
, Becca kept a safe, the key hidden under a vase that sat right beside it.
My mouth watered as she opened it
,
slowly surveying it
s
contents before bringing back a tiny white marble sized lump wrapped in plastic.

“That’s it…! Two hundred and fifty dollars for that?!”

“Whoah newbie…” Becca laughed, exchanging the money in my hand for the coke. “That’s an eight ball
…ten maybe even twenty lines even for a first timer like you.”

I weighed the lump in my hand carefully, considering how long ten or twenty lines would last me. Probably forever…
I only needed a fix.

“Show me how to do it...” I whispered setting it on the coffee table in front of me, my fingers t
o
o shaky to hold it anymore.

“Well first
,
if you’re going to be doing this alone
,
then I suggest using a spoon and a bill,” she instructed, retrieving her wicker basket full of pills from under the table.

I watched as she pulled a silver teaspoon from its own separate bag, setting aside all but one twenty I’d given her. With the tip of the spoon she chinked a small amount of coke onto the coffee table and wrapped the rest ba
ck
up in the plastic.

“Pay attention,” she murmured as she placed the twenty on top of what was on the table, pressing the back of the spoon hard enough that it smashed down the bulge, but light enough that the powder didn’t scatter once it was broken down.

From the
wicker basket she produced a slightly worn razor, using its edge to chop the stubborn pieces down to match the rest, separating it out so that it formed two thin lines approximately three inches long. The twenty she rolled into a thin little tube, handing it to me before pointing to the table.

“For you that’s about four hits... Inhale half of one in one nostril, wait a few seconds and then inhale the rest in the other. That should keep you going for about forty-five minutes…
The more you do…the more you
’ll
need and
…
the less it lasts
. Eve
please…don’t fuck with this shit. I’m different
… I’ve
been doing this since I was fourteen and I’ve never gotten addicted. Some people…I guess they never do, but that’s a very small percentage.
It’s a mind thing Evelyn…it
will
fuck with you…”

“I don’t need the lecture Becca,” I shook my head, my nose already lowering to the first beautiful white streak.

I wanted it so bad that I inhaled harder than I intended, taking in a tad more than three quarters of the
first
line. The burn erupted in my throat first, a violent coug
h sending the room into a jerky
spin for a moment. It was over in an instant, and I giggled, wiping th
e wetness from the tip of my no
se.
Shit…blood!
Better not snort the last…

My gums were pleased at the tingling sensation I gave them with just a swipe of my middle finger.
One line down…

“Holy shit! Are you crazy…? Eve don’t…! You’re too new to this,” she stopped my downward lean towards the second line with the butt of her hand.

I was embarrassed.
I’m not a junkie…
I reminded myself sternly,
a tight smile on my face as I looked at Becca and giggled. “I was just kidding silly… That one’s for you. This is probably more than I’ll ever
snort
.
I just needed a fix...thanks…”

“Yeah…no problem,” Becca nodded, her brow still kinked in concern.

“Soooo….” I smiled genuinely now. “Do you think I was good enough the other night that Troy would consider letting me work another shift. I am so fucking broke,” I laughed, pointing at the baggy sweats I wore.

I expected the uncomfortable look she gave me, her eyes dropping immediately to my protruding stomach. Sitting down I looked heavier, but I’d be standing up at the club. With my breath sucked in and the right outfit, I could hide the love handles and jiggle I’d developed.

“You could ask him…
I go in tonight,” Becca shrugged, leaving it up to me.
“What will you wear…?”

I’
d also come prepared for that.

“Spandex…really…tight…spandex,” I laughed, patting my belly. “I bought a fishnet body stocking
today
…
I
t’s crotchless…”

“Troy prefers all your clothes off by the time you leave the stage…” Becca hesitated, crimson in her pale cheeks as her eyes met mine.

“Ok…so…I’ll just ask him. N
o harm in that right?” I tried for another smile, but my lips didn’t quite convey what I was going for.

If Becca thought I was too fat to get up there and strip again, what would Troy say…? Sober, my mind had already reverted back to that de
pressed cowardly fat girl. High,
I was confidant I could pull it
off. It was all about attitude
and coke gave me plenty of it.

Chapter 12*

The dream was fading fast, but I squeezed my lids tighter anyway hoping the knocking sound would go away. Skinny little cheerleaders were still doing flips in my head, the captain
’s
smiling face a blurry reflection of myself. Two more knocks and
then another three, and my eyelids
stretched open
, dried bits of sleep crust pinching the crease
s
.

My room…my bed…
A
t least I hadn’t woken up somewhere else. I barely remembered driving home from The Sweet Spot after dancing four straight hours, half of the eight ball I’d gotten from Becca already
gone
. I’d fallen asleep with a rolled hundred dollar bill between my fingers, and I peeled it from my cheek now, wiping the drool with the back of my hand. The
knocking persisted and I growled against the piercing migraine I developed the second I untangled myself from the covers.

“ALL RIGHT! COMING!” I snapped, searching frantically about my room for anything I needed to hid
e
.

The two thousand dollars I’d bank
ed
at the club lay strewn on top of my covers, some
of
it on the floor undoubtedly from me tossing and turning in my sleep. I picked it up as fast as I could, snatching up
the bag that held my last four A
dderall pills as well as the balled up plastic that contained the last of my coke. After I was sure everything was hidden out of sight under my pillow, I pulled on my bathrobe, covering the fishnet bo
d
y stocking I’d neglected to take off before climbing in bed.

There were two unsnorted lines of coke still on my desk, and th
e knocking was so loud now
,
I knew I woul
d need at least one of them
to deal with whoever was waiting on the other side. Fuck it… I snorted them both, my toes curling from the burn that sent my head into a
n
icy shiver.

“Evelyn?!”

“Michael?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” I snapped as I jerked the door open, my anger turning to guilt when I saw that he’d brought Abbey and Buster along.

The shock on their faces was probably ten times worse than mine, Michael’s eyes so big his face resembled that of a chubby koala. Abbey choked on whatever she was chewing –she didn’t need it anyw
ay-and Buster looked as if he’d
seen a ghost, his mouth hanging open in wonder.

“E…Evelyn…?” Michael stuttered, his eyes still wide.

His gaze roamed from my face down, appreciation in his features as he took in my trimmer figure. I’d probably gained another fifteen or twenty pounds for all my bad deeds the night before, but I was still over a hundred pounds smaller than I’d been a week ago.

“Whatever you’ve got
,
I want it…
T
he flu…? No.
.
.Ebola…? Shit…it has
to be worse than that…how much weight have you lost?!”
Abbey c
hoked out
, crumbs falling from her mouth.

She really need
s to stop eating and lose
some weight…

“I don’t know what it was…
I didn’t go to the doctor,”
I shrugged, ruffling my tangled halo
of bed hair.

“You look like shit,” Buster laughed, bright white teeth gleaming against his dark skin.

“Yeah…I feel like it too…” I played the sympathy card, my bottom lip folded over into a pout.

“Well it’s been what…
almost
a week…
?
I don’t think
that
much weight loss…
that
fast is healthy.
I mean you look…great,” Michael sighed, his eyes wandering past my head to my hastily arranged covers.

“We were worried about you…
? H
aven’t you gotten any of my text
s
?” Abbey
asked,
holding up her phone. “Girls night…? The movies…? The blood drive…? You haven’t been to the nursing home all week, and you missed the first day of thermo….”

“Damn…what are you my fucking mother?” I griped
, tying the belt of my robe into a secure knot.

There were invisible strings pulling me away from my body, away from their concerned faces and back into the beautiful colors I’d swam in last night. I wanted to enjoy it, close my eyes and be numb for a moment while I figured out my next move, but I couldn’t do that with them standing there.

“Geez Evelyn what’s gotten into you? That was mean…” Michael defended Abbey, his hands thrown up in surrender as if I were about to attack.

I was.

“What are you two fucking now?!” I sneered, pointing at the crumbs stuck to the front of Abbey’s shirt. “You’re fat enough, stop embarrassing yourself by walking around with your food attached to you. At least hide it in your bag!” I tittered as her face blanched a pale white, deep dimples appearing as her features crumpled.

Michael’s ho
rrified look was enough to drum up a morsel of guilt somewhere inside me, but this wasn’t Evelyn speaking, it was Eve.

“And you…” I c
ontinued, directing my gaze at B
uster. “What the fuck is wrong with you hanging out with the bottom dwellers all the time. You’re the only one out of the bunch that stands a chance at even having a life. You can be smart and have real friends, you know…the ones that actually get invited to parties, and get laid on a regular basis…?
With that body and that face…w
hat gives?”