Beauty (13 page)

Just because it feels good, doesn’t make it right…

My mother’s words plagued me as I climbed quietly
back
in
to the car, careful
not to disturb the two naked strippers in the back.
What had I done…?

I’
d been raised in the Baptists faith
my entire life,
and
the Bible
was
pretty clear on right and wrong when it came to homosexuality. Was it wrong…or was I
? What would my parents say if they knew what I’d been doing the last few days? What would they think?

I didn’t speak as Becca climbed in the car, he
r sunshades already hiding her bright green eyes from me.
I didn’t know what to say.
Last night
was a one—
time thing…
?
Of course it was! Just like
stripping and
coke…
I
t wasn’t going to happen again.

Twenty minutes into our drive home Molly woke up, and then Madison, both of them just as bubbly and smiling as they’d been the night before. Having them awake
and fully dressed again
lessened the thick band of tension that see
med to be separating Becca and me
, and I finally relaxed a little. With my face turned towards the open window, I let the sun warm my skin as I listened to their idle chatter.

Most of it was talk about the new girls Troy had brought on at the strip club, and the rest was about people I’d never even met. Somebody’s daughter
’s
best friend had gotten pregnant by her sister’s boyfriend, and that’s where I got lost. For the res
t of the drive
,
my mind, for the first time in days completely
sober, tried to make sense of how this had all happened.

I wasn’t that stripper
who’d been on stage last night, displaying and then grabbing her private parts seductively for all to see. I wasn’t that junkie
acting lunatic
that had sniffed coke off the back of a public toilet just because she’d been told to do so. I wasn’t that skinny chic that had woken up in my bed with her deepest wish granted, but I knew I also wasn’t that fat girl I’d grown up as my entire life. At this point I wasn’t sure who I was, or who I was meant to be.

The Sweet Spot parking lot was empty when we
finally pulled in, its late night patrons long gone. Becca parked beside the only other car there, waiting for Madison and Molly to get out before she removed her sunglasses and looked at me directly.

“Did I do something wrong…?” s
he whispered, her hand closing over
mine, her eyes searching my face.

I still couldn’t look at her, my gaze instead fixed on the tiny flower shaped pendant she wore around her neck.

“It’s…it’s not you,” I replied, my voice so low that I barely heard myself. “I’m just…confused I guess. Last night was…”

“I enjoyed it…
but
…I’m not
that
way if that’s what you’re thinking,” Becca interrupted me, and
I finally met her gaze
.

“You’re not…?” I breathed a little more easily now, spreading my fingers so that hers linked in mine.

“No…I mean…being with a woman is a feeling that I’ll never forget, but…you were my first, and...I love men,” she shrugged, a tiny smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “Is that what’s bothering you? You thought we were an item now or something because we…”

“No! I mean.
.
.no,” I corrected, my voice softer that it had been at first. “I didn’t know what to think. Being with you…
I’ve never experienced anything like that before. You made me feel…”

I swallowed hard as the last word stuck in my throat.
She was my friend…I could be honest with her right?

“Loved…” I sighed in embarrassment, my eyes lowering once again.

“That
’s
how I felt too!” Becca whispered, her fingers squeezing mine now. “I’ve dated lots of guys, and none of them have made me feel t
hat way. None of them have made love to
me th
e way you did last night. We were curious and now our curiosity is satisfied….right? I
don’t
know
about you, but
I’m
still holding out hope for Mr. Right to come along any day now,” she laughed, her eyes rolling in exasperation.

“And until then…?” I asked, laughing with her now.

“Friends…
?
”she suggested, a coy smile on her face. “With benefits,” she added, ducking from the playful smack I gave her shoulder.

“Kidding! Just kidding!” she
held up her hands in surrender
before retrieving the book that had fallen between the console and the seat.

It was relief instead of dread that swept through me when she poured the last little bit of powder from the Ziplo
c bag she’d stuffed in the glove box the
night before. The dragon had been calling my name since I’d first opened my eyes
, and I was ready for the chase
. I just needed a little fix…just enough to clear my mind and get my day started on a light note.

One hard sniff
and everything was beautiful again.

Chapter 11*

I was running ten minutes late for my first day of Thermodynamcis by the time I made it back to my room, winded by the short jog from the parking lot to the sixth floor. I was heavier, I could feel it. Th
e zipper on the sequined mini skirt
I still wore had popped the second my foot hit the first step. By the third floor I could feel my stomach jiggling as I ran. Peeling out of the clothes wasn’t an option. They were stuck fast.

My keys landed on my desk with a bang, a pair of scissors in my hand as I headed straight for the scale. I cut as the numbers beeped steadily upward, pieces of black thread and fake beads falling onto the carpet around me.

One forty-seven… One forty-nine…
“Come on…slow down…!” I hissed as I rid myself of the bra top next.

One fifty-one… One fifty-six…
“
Holy fuck!
” I
shed my panties as fast as I coul
d, my hands clamped to my sides as if to make myself smaller.

One fifty nine…
I exhaled e
very molecule of air I had in
my
lungs
, my body tense
as the beeping of the scale paused for a moment.

One-sixty…beep…beep…beep!
Shit…! Another twenty something pounds…FUCK!

My legs trembled as I stepped from the scale slowly, my eyes lifting to the mirror from the bottom up.
I had no choice. I had to see…

Sturdy calves led to slightly thick thighs, the softness of them evident when I moved my hips back and forth. The cellulite that I’d noticed this morning, was more prominent under the harsh fluorescent lighting in my room and I counted every dimple, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I caught
sight
of my marred butt cheeks. My slight belly had turned into
a
pooch that sag
ged
slightly, love handles prominent on both sides. The small round mounds I’
d flaunted
just last night had ballooned at least a cup size, now heavy and full without the restrictions of a bra. My neck seemed thicker, and so did my chin, my face
just round enough to remind me of what I’d looked like at ten.
Pudgy…

My eyes were duller than ever, and they looked as empty as I felt, despair sinking through me like an old companion. I had to get to class. The thought of seei
ng Michael, Abbey and Buster mad
e my stomach twist into a clenching knot, but I couldn’t miss the first day. My summer stay depended on it.

With shaky hands I rooted through the bags of clothes I’d bought for my one
hundred
thirty-four
pound
body, looking for something that would fit. I refused to reach into my closet for any of my fat clothes…it just wasn’t happening. A stretchy pair
of dark blue jeans at the bottom of the bag
caught my eye, and I pulled them free, checking the tag. Definitely an accidental purchase considering it was a size larger than the rest…they would have to do. Luckily one of June’s old tank tops fit tight enough that it held my breast down, allowing me to go without a bra, one of my new black t-shirt
s
hiding most of the bulge in my stomach area. Socks and shoes were easier, but first I grabbed the pants, stepping into the
m
before giving a hard pull.
Halfway up my thighs
they
stuck fast, refusing to give not even another inch.

I couldn’t say if it was the fact that the pants didn’t fit, or the fact that my buzz was completely gone, but something inside me snapped. This was all the witch’s fault!
That bitch…!
She ruined my life, by cursing me with a gift that worked like poison. I’d been tricked! I hadn’t even asked for this…sure I’d wished it
, but not at the cost of my sanity
! She’d known all along that every bad deed would count against me. It didn’t matter how fast or how
slow I lived my life… I’d probably end up fatter than where I even started and in a matter of days!

My legs kicked, and the p
ants went flying from my feet
into the corner, my thighs jiggling as I stomped from my room and down the hall towards the stairwell. I was done trying to be skinny. Our agreement wa
sn’t a legally binding contract;
it had been confused words spoken between a suicida
l fat girl and a scary looking G
oth chick that called herself a witch. I was going to end this once and for all.

Going down was much easier than going up, my breathing only hindered by the angry pants that escaped my lungs as I stalked my way down the fifth f
loor hallway. My closed fist
s
were
already poised to beat down the door if I had to, but
the
sight of the clean
door frame
stop
ped me
cold.
The swipe of black paint was gone as well, and those same goose bumps I’d had on my first visit, reappeared now, sending a chill through me.

She was gone…? She couldn’t be…! She was just here…

I tried the knob, only to find it locked tight,
the only sound on the entire floor coming from me as I sagged in a squat, sobbing. I couldn’t take it back…I couldn’t start over. Was there really a curse or had I imagined the whole thing? I’d been panicked that morning…dazed even… Maybe I’d misheard her… There was no such thing as witches…
right?

In my head I ignored the ticking noise of a
clock counting down the final
thirty minutes of my thermodynamics class. It was too late to go now, and with the way I felt, I probably wouldn’t have made it even halfway across campus before collapsing from the stress of it all.

The longer I sat there and cried, the more anxious I became, my heart thudding wildly in my chest by the time I decided to go back to my room. It wasn’t coke, but the little blue pills had worked before, so I popped two, leaving me with ten left in the bag. While I waited for them to start working I sat down and pulled out the money I had left after paying Becca the five hundred dollars I’d owed her. It was all there. Five hundred dollars, plus the twenty I had left on my debit car
d
. I didn’t
know how much a bag of coke would cost
, but I was hop
ing it was enough. Fuck the one—
time only thing… I was so confused I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn’t go back to being fat… I’d kill myself first….

Well… A
gain…

**********

“Yeah…?” Becca asked as she peeked through the crack in the door, her features twisting in recogn
ition a few seconds later. “Eve
…? What the hell…?!”

“Yeah…” I nodded, stopping her as she removed the chain to let me in. “I’ve gained a few pounds…I know…” I shrugged as if it were nothing,
my act of looking cool calm and collected waning fast.

I wanted to hand her the wad of money I
had stuffed in my pocket and beg
her to get me high, but I wasn’t a junkie. Junkies acted like that. I forced a smile as she made a slow circle around me, her finger pulling at the baggy sweats I’d purchased on the way over.

“You do know it’s summer don’t you…?” she asked, stopping in front of me so that we were face to face again.

“Yeah…I just got out of bed…”

“And you gained what…thirty pounds in your fucking sleep?!” Becca laughed nervously, the sound almost immediately choked out by the silence that followed.
I wasn’t laughing.