Beauty (18 page)

There was no fighting against his massive strength, but I didn’t want to. Once again I felt loved. Close enough to another human that my body was starting to absorb in on itself, melting a core I’d never known I had. Fat…I’d never felt anything like this, and I probably never would again.

He took me and I let him, the gentle rocking motions of our bodies, lul
ling me into an oblivion so thick my body felt stuck in the spread eagle position I lay in. Sometime in the moments that followed I became aware of his body lifting from mine, warm stickiness pooling between my legs, and then
the weight of something being pressed into my open palm.

I didn’t bother to try and look. The fact that my sight was hindered had somehow heightened my senses and I could smell that it was money…a nice thick wad of it. Muffled voices once again…Becca and his…surrounding me, talking over me, and then silence.

My eyes closed, but I didn’t sleep, I floated,
my mind separate from my body, but still my own. They were my memories, but sweeter. They were my feelings, but deeper. And just when I thought it could carry me no further, it caught me, dragging me under until everything went numb.

For once
I felt absolutely nothing. And i
t made me happy.

Chapter 16*

Sometime
a little after nine in the morning I awoke
immediately
realizing
two things. One, I
’d missed my thermo class again;
a
nd two
,
I’d let some guy fuck
me for money. The proof had been in a little Ziploc bag
- left just by my head—
stuffed in alongside a note from Becca.

I took my cut for the fix and the half. The rest is yours. Lock the door when you leave.
–
B

So not only was she my dealer now, but my pimp as well… The thought frightened me and I scrubbed my skin harder, trying to put together the bits and pieces I actually remembered. I’d desperately wanted to snort a line of coke before even driving back to my dorm, but the half of eight she’d left for me would have to last until I got a job and actually got paid because I was never selling my body again.

The kind of dirty that I felt could not simply be washed away with soap and water, but I tried anyway, turning the nozzle on the shower all the way to the right so that scalding hot water rained down over me. I flinched against the burn that ignited my skin, but forced myself to remain still, my eyes dry of the tears I so desperately wanted to shed.

My skin was raw, but finally felt free of the heaviness that had stuck to me like an extra layer of clothing. With my towel wrapped tightly around my body I finally made my way back to my room, slowing when I reached the partially opened door.

Michael stood in the center of my bedroom, his back to me as he ran his hands through his hair, his head shaking. My eyes went to the Ziploc bag on my bed that contained the coke and the money I had left and he turned, pity in his features. The towel was short enough that the newest scars on my lower
right
thigh showed, and I could see him make the connection, his gaze drifting from my leg to the blood stained carpet I
’d
neglected to clean.

“Did someone do that to you?” he whispered, pointing to my thigh.

I swallowed hard, anger bubbling in my stomach at his audacity.
How had he even gotten in?
I’d locked the door, my key ring was still hooked around my thumb…

“You can’t just come in here and…”

“Did someone do that to you?” he gritted out, interrupting me.

The pity was gone from his features, anger pinching together the tiny lines around his eyes so that they narrowed. I wasn’t sure if I moved first or he did, but I was suddenly pushing him away from me, kicking against h
is hands as he lifted the hem of
the towel
up
so that every cut was visible.

“Evelyn….!?”

“Get the fuck out!” I snapped, clenching the towel tighter when he released me.

I couldn’t put enough distance bet
ween the two of us in the tiny sp
ace, my calves hitting the frame of my bed as I backed away from him slowly.

“I’m going to ask you one more time… If you don’t answer, I’m going to call the police. Did someone do that to you?” he repeated, but it was hurt I heard in his voice this time instead of anger.

“No…” I whispered the word so soft, my lips never moved.

“Then who…
? Y
ou…?
!
” he pressed, kicking the box of razors over with the toe of his sneaker.

“Why the fuck do you care Michael. We had a couple of classes together
! S
o what!?”

“Evelyn we’re friends… I’m concerned and I care about you. I…I…like you,” he blurted, crimson blossoming from his cheeks to his too large ears.

My brow creased and I ran his last sentence over in my head, not sure that I’d heard him correctly.
He liked me…? HA! What would June say…? Becca…?

“Michael be serious…you don’t…”

“I do…” he nodded, his eyes holding mine as he closed the space between us. “
I never told you because…” he paused, his eyes lowering for a moment. “Well look at me,” he shrugged, his hands hanging limply at his sides now.

I knew what he meant. Michael wasn’t the guy you even took a seco
nd look at when considering potential boyfriends
. He had an average type face, sandy brown
curly
hair, and plain brown eyes just like me. He was tall, but his height came with at least three hundred pounds or more attached to it, his belly hanging over tightly cinched jeans I was sure had went out of style years ago. He was nice enough, but that’s where his good qualities ended. Tiny little glasses made his round face look even fatter, and when he laughed his double chin giggled just like mine used to. I’d never even seen him talk to a girl in that way, and now I knew why.

“I…I don’t know what to say…” I sighed with a shrug.

The feeling wasn’t mutual.

“I just want a chance Evelyn… I could make you happy. These last few month
s
you’ve seemed…I don’t know….distant. I just…”

My breath held, but it was too late. His hands were cupping my face, his cold lips firmly planted against mine. He had to lean because his stomach wouldn’t allow him any closer without me reciprocating, and for a moment I felt bad for him, my lips puckering slightly to return the kiss.

My lips tightened when he took it as an invitation, a low moan in his throat as he let his hands settle on my sides, squeezing tightly. Flashes of the night with Brice assailed my thoughts and I was pushing him away, disgust sending a shiver through me when my hands pressed against boobs almost as big as mine.

“I can lose weight, if that’s what you what. I’m out of shape…I know, but…”

“Michael,” I stopped him, my hand over my heart now. “It’s not that… I was fa… A big girl myself,” I stammered, unable to look at him any longer.

“I’m just not attracted to you…like that… And I don’t
want
you breaking in
to
my room to check on me. That’s just…creepy,” I shrugged, sitting down on the bed.

I wanted to reach for the Ziploc bag and shove it under my pillow, hoping that he would forget, but I had no such luck.

“So you do drugs now…? And pills too….?”

“You went through my stuff!” I shrieked, my eyes dodging to the drawe
r where I’d hidden my last line
worth of coke and the Adderall pills.

“You left your phone in the room. I’ve emailed and called you several times. I thought something had happened, so I…”

“So you broke in and
what…? Thought you’
d play detective!?”

“
Ev
elyn
it’s not like that! Please! You need help. You missed thermo again. All this weight loss, and you haven’t been yourself!
”

“I feel
just
fine!”

“
You treated Abbey and Buster like shit when they came to see you, and even though you’re acting like this now, I know you don’t mean it.
You’re cutting yourself…?! On PURPOSE?!” Michael pressed, his hands thrown in the air now.

“Been doing it well before college, and it’s not your fucking concern!” I screamed, livid that he was trying to point out all my faults when he probably had just as many.

“You’re doing drugs? What is that…? Heroin?! Crack?! Coke?!” he reached for the bag, but I snatched it up before he grabbed it, holding it protectively against my chest.

“None of your fucking business,” I hissed, kicking at him when he tried to come closer.

“
I love you and I’m trying to help!” he snapped, those three little words slipping before he could stop them.

Love me…? How could he love me and he didn’t even know me…
?

“Get out Michael,” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes at the pained look on his face. “Don’t come back…”
I added when he finally turned away
, swiping at his face as he
made the short walk from my room to the hall.

I made sure to lock both the outer door and my bedroom door behind him, checking both locks to make sure they weren’t broken. I still didn’t know how he’d gotten into my room, but calling campus security was the first thing on my to-do list. I wanted new locks, even if I had to pay for them myself.

Chapter 17*

From: Professor Allen Morris

To: Evelyn R. Barns

Subject: Thermodynamics-Possible Suspension

Ms. Barns,

As you know there
are very limited spots in the Intro to T
hermodynamics class.
The program is very competitive
and your summer stay on campus
is contingent upon you being present for the course. There are no more than three absences allowed in order to receive a full credit once passing the final exam. Please be aware that you’ve already used two. One more and I will be forced to notify your advisor of your dropped status which will in
turn affect your housing assignment
until fall semester.

Best Regards,

Professor Allen Morris

This was just not my morning. I reread the email twice before letting my head drop into my hands, my stress level at its max.
I couldn’t go home…not now…not after the way I’d treated my mother. My mind had been such a blur over the last couple days that I’d found it easy not to think about the pounds I was steadily packing on, but sober I felt heavier than ever, my eyes sliding to the scale still sitting in the middle of my floor.

Isn’t coke
supposed
to make you lose weight?

My plan to exercise had stopped after that first jog, but that’s how it’d always been when I was fat. I signed up for a year gym membersh
ip on campus, but had never gone
. I’d tried fasting for ten days and had only made it through two before bing
e
ing on a box of chocolate donuts. I’d even tried participating in the yoga sessions June and the other girls had early in the morning, but standing beside all those skinny girls at one time had made me feel fatter than ever. Skinny was beautiful. Fat was just plain ugly.
My mothe
r’s famous ever repeating words
and I never forgot them.

My resolve
steeled as I made up my mind to try the jogging th
ing one more time,
my fingers typing in a quick reply to the email I’d just received.

From: Evelyn R. Barns

To: Professor Allen Morris

Subject: Thanks For Checking In

Professor Morris,

I didn’t think to email you and let you know that I’ve been unwell. I was seen at student health two days ago and would be happy to provide you with written confirmation of that, if necessary. I do realize how competitive the Thermodynamics program is, and am very honored to have been selected for the intro class. I will be sure to make the next session and would love to meet with you after to discuss the material I missed. Thanks for checking in.

Evelyn

I reread it once before hitting send, confident that my mention of being ill would spark some sort of sympathy in my favor. I was dressed in sweats, a tank top and my jogging shoes in less than five minutes,
my frustration gone as soon
as
I coated my gums with a fine layer of magic white powder. It wasn’t nearly as much as a line, and I didn’t come anywhere close to the high I’d been on the night before, but it was enough to get me moving, my legs pumping with such intensity that I was halfway across campus before I even broke a sweat.

Missing two classes was unheard of in my book. I’d prac
tically failed before even getting
started
,
and that didn’t sit well with me. I considered emailing Michael to see if he would send me his notes, but then I thought about the
awkward kiss this morning and
decided against it. Just the memory of his jelly like body made me grab my own love handles, squeezing them tight
ly as I
made my way across the quad and then over towards the agricultural buildings.