Beauty (22 page)

I’d probably need stiches to stop the bleeding, but that could wait. On unsteady legs I limped back across the parking lot and up the stairs leading to her apartment. She wouldn’t mind. I had money. I’d leave it with a note explaining the situation. She already had enough text on her phone from me to know that something was wrong. She wouldn’t be mad… We were friends…

My fingers reached, a prayer on my lips as I pulled loose the strip of duct tape hidden above the frame of Becca’s door. She hadn’t listened to me, and the key was right there, held in place by the sticky strip. I knocked twice, calling her name before unlocking the door and sticking my head in. It was dark. She hadn’t been home all day and she still wasn’t here now.

It was so close I could almost smell it. My feet stumbled in the dark as I reached to steady myself
, finding the edge of the couch beneath my fingertips. A lamp sat to the right of that and I turned it on, settling myself on the cushions as I looked around. Everything was in its place. The wicker basket. The safe. The key to it.

Guilt sprang through me as I pulled the basket free, digging through its
contents until I found the rig
and spoon Becca had used be
fore. The seconds on the clock hung over the door
seemed to tick by faster and faster, the sound so loud I could barely hear myself think as I carried the safe and its key over to the sofa. She’d never let me look inside before, and I was stunned at the
plastic wrapped
white brick that sat untouched in its middle. A stack of money lined each side of it, five unopened needles on top.

I pulled the hundred I had out of my bra, laying it in the safe before removing the entire brick, weighing it. It was lighter than I expected, slipping
from
my hands and to the floor with a thud when I lost my grip.
My breath held, and my heart raced even faster, my ears listening for someone to come running at any second. I counted quietly in my head, picking up the block and cradling it in my lap for a moment before opening the bag. I was alone. My body trembled as I reached a finger in to swipe the residue from the plastic, my entire mouth instantly numb the second I sucked. I coated the top and bottom of my gums first, leaving little indentations in the previously unmarred block. My hands still shook, but I worked slowly, tightening the rig, checking my vein and then measuring out just enough coke and water into the mo
uth of the spoon to equal two CC
’s.

I’d never been afraid of needles before, but my heart dropped
into my belly the second I felt the prick. My eyelids blinked more rapidly than before, my lungs crying for air as full on panic set in. There was no going back. I needed this. My thumb pressed and the milky white liquid dispensed into my bulging vein, leaving a trail of liquid ice in its wake.

I wasn’t floating, I was flying. Free of my body and free of the things that trapped me to the mess that was my life. I gave myself to it, my eyes held wide, but g
aze void
as it carried me from it all, emptying me of everything that wasn’t beautiful. I was neither here nor there. Skinny or fat. Good or bad. In that moment I ceased to exist and I acted on impulse, tossing everything I could into the safe
, a fire blazing through me. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be loved. I deserved everything that I didn’t have, starting with the safe I clutched against my chest as I fled.

It was almost impossible to drag
myself from the nod I’d fallen into. Sprawled on my bedroom floor with my legs half under the bed is how I awoke, keeled over from the squat I’
d drifted off
in. The ringing was annoyingly persistent, the short quick bleeps finally signaling my barely functioning brain that a call was coming in.
My hands reached as I dragged myself upward from my belly to my knees, my left arm pulling against the rig that was still in place. It sickened me to see the point of the needle, barely hanging on but still imbedded in my flesh.
I jerked it free, tossing it aside as I inspected my arm.
I’d bruised from leaving it there, an ugly bluish purple blob t
aking up a quarter of my bicep
. With the rig loose the blood flow returned to my
deprived
fingers and I flexed them before ruffling my tangled hair, still trying to get my bearings.

It took me a few more minutes to try and stand, my legs shaky as I turned slowly in a circle surveying the mess. The ringing finally stopped, and I shook my head slightly to clear the sound from my thoughts as well.
Dried blood caked the carpeting
where I’d lain,
a misshapen outline of my thigh
peeking out from under the bed
. The contents of my purse lay scattered around
me and my eyes widened at what didn’t belong in the pile.

Becca’s safe lay open and empty in the middle of the floor, two stacks of money on either side.
Shit!
My memory started to return as I took in the packaged needles and brick of coke that lay at my feet. I’d barely chinked off the corner, but I was sure that wasn’t going to matter. I’d stolen drugs
. From a friend.
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck!

I collected as fast as my trembling fingers would allow, arranging the money, then the needles and finally the coke back into its rightful place in the safe. The loose twenties I’d thrown in last night, I found scattered beneath my
purse, and I collected those as well
, tucking them in front of the coke. My eyes darted over the contents one last time, a familiar ache stopping me before I snapped the lid shut. I couldn’t lock it without the key… And I’d just put a hundred dollars of my own money in there. Surely that was worth more than wha
t I’d used for myself already…

The ringing started again, shattering my train of thought and I jumped, stumbling through the mess on the floor to grab my phone. It was Becca. My heart dropped, pounding through my stomach and disappearing somewhere in my bowels. My bladder released on its own, and I watched as the tan carpet beneath me turn into a dark grey circle spreading outwards.

Twenty-two missed text messages.
FUCK!
I waited for the ringing to stop again before I opened my message center, my eyes closing at the repeated name on every text. They were all from Becca.

BECCA:
You called?

BECCA:
U there?

BECCA:
I went to see my mom today. It was her birthday. On my way back now.

BECCA:
You must be sleep. Call me tomorrow, we’ll hook up.

BECCA:
Oh Shit! I think someone’s in my apartment!

BECCA: Holy Shit! Someone broke in! Are you there!? I’m trying to call!

BECCA: I’m fucked!

BECCA: I need you! Where are you!

BECCA: I don’t know what to do! Please answer!!!!!

The rest were more of the same, each text going forward more desperate and irate than the next. I stopped reading when she said she was as good as dead. The smell of my own urine took my breath away as I sunk to my knees, my phone clutched to my chest. What had I done? She’d know it was me. Who else knew where she kept her extra key? She hadn’t accused me, but maybe that was her plan. My eyes narrowed as the phone started to ring again. If I kept ignoring her calls I’d go crazy wondering if she suspected me. I was going to return everything. I just had to figure out a way to do it without her finding out.

“Hello…?” I answered the phone in a feigned sleepy voice, clearing my throat to make it sound more believable.

“They took it! They took Everything! They took the safe! They took the money! Oh fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

“Whoah…whoah…whoah…slow down…”

I was playing along I decided. I needed to find out what she was thinking.

“Becca…?” I asked, confusion still in my voice.

“Yes it’s me! Who the fuck do you think has been calling you all night!?” she snapped back
, pausing as she blew into the phone.

“Are you high…?” I guessed, switching my voice to sound surprised now. “It’s…” I checked my phone. Shit! I had thermo in three hours. “Five O’clock in the morning!”

“Yeah I know… I’m sorry… I’m pissed…I shouldn’t have snapped at you…”

Good she didn’t suspect me.

“No…it’s fine… Sorry I missed your phone calls. I have thermo class in a few hours so I crashed early… Studying…” I added, sealing my alibi just in case I needed one. “So start over…what happened…?”

“I went to see my mom. It was her birthday yesterday. I didn’t get back until almost two in the morning. We started drinking, and she wanted me to sleep it off before I drove back, so I did. When I got here, my apartment door was open. I texted you, but you didn’t answer. I couldn’t call the cops because… Well…you know…” she sighed, tears in her voice now. “Eve they took the safe. ALL of the coke. ALL of the money.”

A thick ban seized my chest as the other end of the line went silent for a moment, soft sobs filtering through as she cried. I was the one who’d broken in. I was the one who’d stolen all her stuff.

“The pills too…?” I finally managed, my mind blank as to what should be my next move.

“No, not the pills, but that doesn’t even fucking matter! I could cover the pills if I had the money,” Becca answered, blowing her nose before continuing
. “It was an entire brick of co
k
e
Eve.
An entire BRICK! I know you’re
new to all of this, but that’s 50k. 50k that I don’t have. I might as well just kill myself now…” she
whispered through another round of sobs, her voice too thick for her to continue.

Fifty Thousand Dollars! I’d stolen fifty thousand dollars worth of drugs! FUCK! I had to tell her. I had to give it back to her right away.

“Becca...it’s going to be okay…I…”

“It’s not going to be okay. Darius comes to collect EVERY day. I told him I was with my mom yesterday, and he told me to text him when I was almost home. I did. That was almost three hours ago. He could be outside now for all I know. Do you know what he’ll do to me?” Becca murmured, sniffling through her tears now.

I could hear the defeat in her voice. Quiet and then the drag on the blunt she was probably smoking, the air she released the only sound on her end.

“Just…don’t do anything crazy!” I whispered, my eyes on the safe in front of me. I suddenly had a plan. “I’ll be right over…”

*********

I didn’t want to, but I had to do it. Standing in front of my full length mirror I didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me. The pretty white sundress I wore was ruined with dried blood from the waist down, the hem dripping wet with urine. The top barely contained my new figure, the seam ripped on one side to accommodate my ever growing love handles. My face had filled in even more, pale white and ashen as I met my own gaze. Blood shot eyes stared back at me, the dark circles underneath evidence that I hadn’t slept well in forever.
My arms bulged with the weight of the fat that had appeared overnight, my legs still streaked from my thigh to my knees with blood from the cuts.

I knew I wasn’t back to the three hundred and fifty
-three
pounds I had been, but my breath held anyway as I stepped on the scale, the ban squeezing tighter around my chest. One hundred pounds and the numbers kept beeping by. One fifty. One Sixty. One Seventy. My eyes closed as my bedroom tilted, guilt filling me. Three beeps and I exhaled, peeking through lowered lids at the illuminated display.

Two hundred and twenty three pounds.

I ignored the guilt as I stepped from the scale, pushing it with my toe so that it was hidden under my bed again. The rig and last night’s needle waited where I’d discarded them on the floor and I
went through the motions, borrowing a dirty spoon from my week old, half eat
en
bowl of noodles, and a bill from the hundred I’d tucked into the safe.

High, I had no issues with cutting off a fists size chunk of coke for myself. It fit nicely inside the watermelon shaped candle hol
der my mother
bought me for Christmas last year, the green and red candle hiding it where no one would think to look. With my nerves calm, a hot shower was just what I neede
d to free the grime from my skin and my conscious.

Within thirty minutes flat I was pulling into Becca’s apartment complex, my plan crumbling as I caught sight of her red hair between the cars. She was knocking on the passenger side window before I came to a complete stop, her face panicked as she jumped in the second it was unlocked. I ducked as she tossed a black duffel bag over her shoulder into the back seat, her feet planted firmly on my back pack in the floor.

“Let me get that out of your way,” I offered, my voice strained as I lifted the entire weight of the bag with my fingers.

“We’ve got to go now. I’ve gotta get out of here before he comes!”

“Where…Where are we going?” I stammered, winded as the backpack fell from my fingers behind my seat.

“I don’t care where we go! Just drive!” she demanded, looking around us at the other parked cars.