Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (46 page)

Before Jax can say
anything else, I walk away. I need to get out of here. I thought
telling him how I felt would make me feel better. It doesn’t. I
head towards the stage hoping that my brother is still there. I smile
in relief when I see him reviewing his speech.

“Addie, are you
okay?” Logan asks when I reach him.

“No. Actually I feel
like crap. I need to leave. I’m sorry.”

I wish I was stronger.
I wish that I could stay, pretend that I didn’t just lose a piece
of myself when I stormed away from Jax. I wish that I could stay for
my brother. At least to hear his speech, but I can’t. I’m at my
breaking point and I need to leave before I lose it in front of all
these people. Logan must see that I’m about to crumble because he
nods and drapes his arm over my shoulder.

“Okay. I’ll see you
out.”

“No, don’t, you
have the speech.” I paint the smile on my face that I’m used to
wearing. “I’ll be fine, promise.”

Logan eyes me,
searching for signs that I’m lying. I hold my smile firmly in
place. I don’t let anything slip. I don’t let the fact my world
is collapsing around me show through the facade. I watch the band
play as Logan searches for something or someone in the crowd. I focus
on the woman playing the piano instead of the pain raging inside me.

“I’m going to kill
him,” Logan snaps.

I grab onto his arm to
stop him. “Don’t. I’m fine. This isn’t his fault.”

“You’re hurt
because of Jax. It’s his fault.”

I wish I could confess
everything my brother, but I can’t. I can’t risk him losing a
lifelong friend because of me. I couldn’t do that to him.

“Please, Logan, just
leave it be. Trust me, Jax and I are fine.”

“Then why do you need
to leave?”

I chew on my lip,
hating that I’m going to tell him an even bigger lie. It’s worth
it. He can’t ruin his friendships because my heart got broken. That
wouldn’t be fair to him.

“This,” I wave my
hand around the ballroom, “is too much . . . I can’t handle it.”
I look away, hating how his face crumbles with sadness.

His baby blues lock on
mine, as if trying to read something I’m not saying. Fake smile
firmly in place, I kiss him on the cheek, and flee.

Even though I am
nowhere near Jax, his scent lingers on my skin from his hot breath on
my neck. I need to get out of here.

On the ride back to my
apartment building, I replay what Jax said to me, how he held me
tonight. Suddenly I’m standing in front of my apartment. I let out
a long breath at the front door. If go in, I know I’ll remember
everything that Jax said to me the other night.

I vaguely remember
unlocking my apartment. I slide to the floor. Kicking off my heels, I
stare at my once blank wall. My new pictures make the place feel more
like home and less like a hotel with my clothes hanging in the
closet.

Studying the picture of
my parents, I long for things to be different. I want to go back to a
time that was simple, where my biggest problem was finishing my
chores. I look at the photos of Hadley and Logan next. They’re
reenacting the final dance from
Dirty
Dancing
. These are the pictures that remind me of home.
These are the pictures that take me away to a better place.

I can remember
capturing each of these moments in time. I remember how happy
everyone was. How happy I was. I remember my family. I let these
memories carry me away, back to a home with a family, and far from
the reality where my family is dead.

The loud banging on my
front door breaks through my reprieve. I slowly get up. I can’t
believe Logan left the fundraiser. Logan is usually pretty good at
giving me space when I need it.

Jax’s voice stops me
in my tracks as I near the door. “Ads, I know you’re in there.
Let me in.”

I stand immobile. I
said everything I had to say to him. There’s nothing left. I have
no idea why he’s here.
Please
just go away
. Maybe he’ll think I’m asleep and leave.
Fat chance with him banging on my door. I can’t sleep through noise
that loud, and usually I can sleep through anything.

“Ads, open the door.
Let me tell you what I should have told you last night. Please let me
in, Ads.”

I have every intention
of staying right where I am and waiting him out. I tell myself that
I’m just moving closer to the door to see make sure it’s locked.

It’s locked.

I knew it was. If I
leave the door locked, he will just leave. We can eventually move
past this. If I don’t open this door, everything will return to
normal.

I unlock the door.

I don’t even have
time to open the door all of the way before Jax rushes into the
apartment. He has me pinned against the wall, kissing me in a matter
of seconds. Stunned, all I manage to do is tilt my head back,
welcoming his assault.

Jax makes the sexiest
growl in the back of his throat before deepening the kiss. Winding my
fingers into his soft, silky hair, I pull him closer to me, moaning
when he bends down slightly and grabs the back of my thighs, lifting
me up. Automatically my legs wrap around his waist.

Getting lost in the
only man that I’ve ever loved, I don’t even realize that Jax has
moved us from the wall until he opens my bedroom door. Before I know
it, he’s laying me on my bed. Breaking off the kiss, he hovers over
me, using his elbows to keep his weight from crushing me, and stares
into my eyes with such longing.

The second that his
lips leave mine, sense breaks through the heavy haze of lust. What am
I doing? I can’t do this with him. I can’t keep playing this
stupid hot and cold game. I will never be able to move on if I keep
letting him take control, letting him take what he wants from me, and
then leaving me behind without a second thought. I deserve better
than this. I deserve better than what Jax can give.

He must have felt me
stiffen because he hangs his head and sighs. The desperate expression
he’s shooting my way makes it hard to not embrace him.
We’re
not friends. You’re my best friend’s little sister.
The
words play over and over again in my head. My eyes blaze as I push
him off me and jump off my bed.

“I’m just Logan’s
little sister, remember?”

He swallows loudly,
seeming pained. Good. I want to hurt him, just like he hurt me.

“Why are you here?”
I don’t even give him a chance to open his mouth before I lash out
at him. “We’re not friends, Jaxon. Remember? YOU,” I point to
him, “made that fucking clear the other night. I’m nothing to
you. I’m just Logan’s little sister. I have NEVER been anything
but Logan’s little sister to you!”

I shove him away when
he reaches for my hand.

“No, don’t you dare
fucking touch me, Jax! You led me on, played with my feelings! You
made me fall in love with you just to walk away! I can’t believe I
was so fucking stupid to believe that you actually cared about me.”

I push past him, but he
grips my waist, stopping me. I’m at war with myself; my body wants
to stop fighting with Jax and to give in, but my stupid mind won’t
shut up. It keeps chanting over and over again,
you’re
my best friend’s little sister.
I am so confused right
now. I thought he said everything he had to say to me last night. I
thought we were over for good.

Then it hits me.

Suddenly I have a new
fear.

“No . . . No . . .
Please . . . No.” I take a deep breath. “This is pity,” I
whisper.

“What?” Jax asks

“You’re here out of
pity! That’s it! You’re here out of fucking pity!”

I can tell with each
word that Jax is getting madder and madder. I keep talking, watching
as he paces in front of me. His fists clench tightly. He opens his
mouth and snaps it shut so hard I’m surprised he doesn’t break
any of his teeth. He’s seething. Good. I am, too.

“OH MY GOD! I mean so
little to you that you would come over here for a pity fuck! Fuck you
Jax! I—” Jax covers my mouth with his hand.

“Stop talking now,
Adalynn.” He’s vibrating with fury.

The only reason why I
don’t bite his hand and yell at him is because I’ve never seen
him so angry before in my life. His body is shaking. If it was anyone
else, like Kohen, I would be scared, but I know that I’m safe. Jax
would never physically hurt me. He only hurts me by breaking down my
walls and shattering my heart.

“You honestly think
I’m here out of pity? You don’t think too highly of me.”

“Have you ever given
me a reason to think differently?” I talk louder, blocking out his
pretty words. “Why are you here?”

“You,” he says
simply as if that’s answer enough.

“What does that even
mean?”

“I’m always here
because of you, Adalynn.”

“What?”

I swear he’s speaking
another language. I have no idea what he’s trying to say right now.
His eyes never stray from me as he takes the few steps to me. I
didn’t even realize that I was stepping away from him.

Slowly, he softly
trails his fingertips over my arm. The anger has gone. In it’s
place is determination.

“I’m here because
of you, Ads. We’re not friends. We’ve never been friends.”

I open my mouth to tell
him that he’s already made that clear, but he places a finger over
my mouth.

“Let me finish, okay?
You’ve talked enough crap for the both of us lately. Now it’s my
turn.”

I nod.

“We’ve always been
more. My sweet Adalynn. I’m yours. I will always be yours. There
isn’t anyone else. There never has been. It’s always been you.
Just you.”

I’m too stunned to
speak. I have too many emotions coursing through me. I want to
believe everything he’s saying, I really do. I want to forget about
the other night. Sadly, I can’t. It’s just words. It’s always
pretty words with him.

“I don’t believe
you,” I say at last.

“I know, but I won’t
stop until you do. I’m done acting like I don’t want you, you’re
the most important thing in the world to me, Ads. You’re the only
person who knows the real me, everything that I’ve been through,
and you never look at me differently.”

“Then why have you
been pushing me away every chance you get?”

“Because I thought
you deserved better than me. I never meant to play games with you, it
was a way for me to be close to you and not risk losing our
friendship.”

I refuse to fall for
his tricks again. “What changed?”

He hauls me closer
until we’re a breath apart.

“I did. I realized
that sharing secret smiles, and a stolen kiss every once in awhile
isn’t enough for me anymore. I’m done pushing you away, Ads. I
can’t act like everything is fine when it isn’t. We can’t just
be friends. I want more. I’ve always wanted more. I want to be
everything to you, like you’re everything to me. You’re my sun,
my moon. Ever since we were kids, you lit up my world.”

My legs give out, Jax
catches me. He’s always here, catching me, being my knight in
shining armor. I can’t believe he’s here, saying all these
wonderful things. I don’t know how many nights I’ve dreamed of
him saying exactly this. I would fall into his arms and tell him I
love him. That’s what I want to do now, but I can’t. If I tell
him what I desperately want to say, I will be giving him all of me. I
have one more small piece of my heart to hand out, and if I give it
to him, he can break me. I know I won’t be strong enough to
survive.

“I’m sorry. God,
you have no idea how sorry I am, but I can’t, Jaxon. I would have
given everything to hear you tell me all of this, but it doesn’t
matter anymore.”

I’m ready to hammer
in the nail and finally end this, but I stop short when I gaze into
his eyes. His face falls. He knows I’m about to shut him out
forever. Placing both hands on each side of his face, I softly kiss
his lips.

Jax grabs me roughly
and kisses me with everything that he has. He puts everything into
the kiss. It’s the kind of kiss that inspire poets. I kiss him back
just as desperately. This is our last kiss. I know it, he knows it.

I’m not prepared for
anything else.

Jax ends it, but
doesn’t move away from me. A final goodbye maybe?

“I love you,” Jax
says with such force I know he means it.

I drop all of my
guards. I thought I was prepared to send him away, to give up on him.
I wasn’t. He’s told me he loved me before, but I thought that was
in the past. He’s done nothing but prove me right over the years by
pushing me away every chance he got. Now, he’s standing in front of
me, telling me the one thing I thought was unattainable, is within
reach. He’s within reach, if I’m willing to give him another
chance.

His face pales. He just
told me he loves me and I haven’t said anything. I’m standing
here like a mute. I love him. I know I love him. I’ve always loved
him, but for some reason I can’t find the words. He moves away from
me, to leave I assume. I open my mouth to stop him, but nothing comes
out. The moment his green eyes penetrate mine, I know he isn’t
giving up.

“I know you don’t
believe me. I’ve given you every reason not to, but I do. I love
you, Adalynn. Loving you is as easy as breathing. I can’t not love
you. I’ve tried, I really have, but I can’t. Please, give me a
chance to prove my love.”

My hands tremble at my
sides. It’s now or never. I can remain silent and he will walk
away. Before I can convince myself to remain silent, my lips are
moving. “I love you, too.”

He sucks in a ragged
breath. Okay, so that wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for.

“You love me?” he
asks quietly.

“No, the person
behind you.”

Jax bites his lower lip
in that sexy way of his. Bending his head so his mouth touches my ear
he whispers, “Say it again.”