Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (45 page)

I tune out her response
and face the window again. As the limo makes a left turn onto an
almost empty street, I wish that I was anywhere else. With autumn
near, the leaves are changing into vibrant reds and oranges. Soon
they will fall and people will forget how beautiful the leaves used
to be as they collect dirt on the sidewalk.

“It’s a good thing
there isn’t any water for Harper to throw at your ugly mug.” Jax
speaks up for the first time.

I can’t help the way
my entire body tenses from the sound of his voice. I ignore the rest
of the conversation and sink back into myself again. I replay every
moment I’ve ever had with Jax. The first time I saw him when I was
seven, I knew that I would never be the same. I see every secret
smile, every caress, every time he would sneak into my bedroom window
when we were teenagers, and all the times he would fly back from NYU
to visit me for the weekend.

The only thing that I’m
aware of is when Harper switches my empty champagne flute for a full
one. I’m so thankful for her right now. It isn’t until my brother
taps my shoulder that I turn away from the window.

“I take it from the
tension between you two that you’re still fighting,” he murmurs.

He doesn’t ask. He
states it, as if there isn’t any other option. Not able to lie to
my brother, I shrug in answer.

“The talk didn’t go
well then?”

“It went . . .” I
struggle for words, but can’t find any. I decide to go with the
truth. “It went as well as it could have I guess.”

“Ah I see,” Logan
whispers.

I glance around to make
sure nobody is paying any attention to us. Wrong move. My eyes seek
out Jax’s. He’s nodding at something Connor said, but his gaze
lands on mine. I’m ashamed to admit it takes a few seconds to shake
myself out of a trance and glance away.

“You both are going
to ruin a lifelong friendship from being afraid.”

“You think you know
everything but you don’t, Logan. It’s not that easy. Things with
Jax are complicated. Nothing is as simple as you think it is.”

I pause to collect
myself. I need to stay calm and remember that we are not alone in the
limo. Everyone else in here does not need to be part of this
conversation. Heck, I don’t even want to be part of this
conversation.

I continue, “Afraid?
Afraid of what? Come on, you seem to have all the answers so tell me.
What exactly am I afraid of?”

“You’re afraid of
life. You’re afraid of living because they didn’t. You’re
scared of anything and everything that you can do that they can’t.”

I focus on life outside
the window again. I remain silent. I see the city without actually
seeing anything.

“You’re wrong,” I
murmur so quietly I don’t think he hears me.

“Prove it then.”

My annoying brother
taps my shoulder again. Tap . . . tap . . . tap . . . Over and over.
Turning my head away from the window I glare at my irritating older
brother. My anger rises. He’s wrong. I’ve done everything I can
to keep Jax in my life. Before I can help myself, words leave my
mouth.

“I get that you care
since it puts you in an awkward situation, but you should be having
this conversation with him, not me! I already tried. He doesn’t
want to be my friend. He’s only in my life because of you! So
sorry, but you’re not always right, Logan!”

I’m met with utter
silence. It takes a second too long to realize that I raised my
voice. Crap! I tell myself not to look at him but it seems like I
can’t control myself tonight. Jax’s mouth hangs open a little,
from shock I’m sure, and his green eyes won’t meet mine. Logan
says something, but I ignore him. As I watch Jax, it hits me that if
I had any hopes of repairing our friendship, that is long gone. He
can’t even face me. I wish that I could disappear into the leather
seats. We stop moving. Perfect timing, at least I can flee and get
lost in the crowd. I follow my brother out of the limo.

After about an hour of
mingling with Logan, I’m finally able to make a break for it. Well,
for the table since I can’t leave, at least not yet. Seizing a
flute of champagne from the passing waiter, I pretend I don’t see
Harper waving me over. I need to sit down. I need a breather from
everyone. I haven’t seen Jax since we first arrived. Not that I’ve
been searching for him or anything. He’s probably with some slut in
a closet. I don’t care.

Weaving around people,
I finally locate our table. I exhale when I see that nobody is
sitting down yet. Useless conversations are the last thing I want to
do. I have had enough of the fake bullshit people say to each other
at these events to last a lifetime. I remind myself not to run as I
move towards our table.

Pulling out my chair, I
eye the exit. I want to get out of here. I need air. I force myself
to stay seated instead of leaving. My hands shake slightly. I want to
say it’s from the lack of food and the champagne, but that would be
a lie. My trembling hands and need to escape is because of Jax.
Always him.

I can’t stop
rehashing last night in my head. It’s been almost twenty-four
hours, but it feels like only seconds have passed since he told me
I’m Logan’s little sister. Of course the man that I’ve been in
love with forever wouldn’t think of me as anything else except for
his best friend’s little sister. I thought he saw me, really saw
me.

Little
sister . . . little sister . . .
His words are on a wheel
that won’t stop tormenting me. Just thinking about all those times
that I let him in, when I closed out everyone else, makes me bite my
lip to keep from screaming in anger.

“Are you okay?”
Connor asks me.

I look to my right as
he and Harper sit down. I’m not even surprised that I didn’t
notice them come over here. I’ve been lost in my head. I’ve been
replaying every encounter I’ve had with Jax and attempting to view
it from his perspective.

“Peachy.”

“Sounds like it,”
Harper says.

“Oh shut up.
Shouldn’t you be out dancing? This one,” I say, pointing to
Connor, “is a fantastic dancer. His parents made him take dance
classes when he was younger.”

Connor makes a show of
getting up and offering Harper his hand. “Please do me the honor of
this dance, Ms. Harrison. Besides, I think Addie is going to be like
this for the rest of the night.”

“And please tell me,
Connor, what am I being like?”

“Let’s just say
that you’re not in the best of moods right now,” Harper chimes
in.

“That’s a nice way
of saying something else . . . I think the word you’re looking for
is bitchy,” he says as he nabs Harper’s hand and steers her away.

I run my finger over
the table. Tracing invisible designs. Only Connor can call me a bitch
and get away with it. That’s because I know he never really means
it. Connor treats me like the little sister that he’s never had,
but has always wanted.

Lights are once again
strung to the ceiling. I stare at the twinkling ceiling for a long
time. When I finally glance away, I try to find my brother. He’s
talking to someone by the stage in the middle of the room. I think
she’s the event planner. A waiter comes by and replaces my empty
champagne flute. I move it away and sip the water in front of me
instead.

My eyes land on Connor
and Harper. I watch him swing her around the dance floor for two
songs. She’s clearly had lessons, too. They draw eyes to themselves
with their effortless moves on the floor. When the third song begins,
I trace patterns on the table again. With each second that goes by, I
continue to think about last night.

Nothing, not even a
ballroom full of people, can take my mind off last night. I wish that
he told me how he felt in the beginning instead of waiting until now.
He’s led me on for too many years, playing games. I hate that I
have to remind myself to be upset with him. I have every right to be,
but at the same time I don’t think I do. Yes, he’s led me on, but
I shouldn’t fault him for not having feelings for me.

I need closure. I don’t
want to reflect on last night and always wonder what if. What if I
said something different? What if I told him it’s okay? What if I
actually stopped loving him? Maybe then we could be friends. I
already live my life full of “what ifs’’ with the accident; I
don’t want to do that for us, too.

Someone taps my
shoulder. I open my mouth to tell Connor that I’m fine, but words
fail me because it’s not Connor. I know without looking over my
shoulder that Jax is standing behind me. It could be from that simple
touch that leaves my skin burning from his finger, or from his
nearness that makes my skin break out in goosebumps. Either way, I
know he’s directly behind me.

“Dance with me, Ads.”

Before I know what’s
happening, Jax pulls out my chair and helps me out of my seat. I
stare at him, really stare at him, wondering what he’s doing. I
haven’t seen him all night. I was sure he was with some leggy
blonde without a brain. None of this makes sense, especially after
last night.

“Why?” I ask
quietly.

“Because you look too
beautiful to be sitting here by yourself.”

I’m too stunned to
say anything. I’m barely able to make my feet function. If Jax
didn’t have such a strong grasp on my hand, I’m sure I would fall
to the ground. When he says things like that, it’s hard to believe
that he just sees me as Logan’s little sister. Good thing the
replay of last night is still going on in my head to remind me.

I need to pull away, to
save myself from more hurt. I tell myself to take my hand off his
shoulder, but I can’t. I’d rather hate myself later for giving
into yet another game, and be around him one more time. I shut off my
mind and bask in the warmth radiating off Jax’s body. I let him
lead me through a dance. Of course it has to be Coldplay. The stupid
pianist mocks me by playing
Sparks
.

This is my all time
favorite song by them because we would listen to it in my room late
at night. And now I’m dancing to it with Jax. He drags me closer to
him like he used to do in my bedroom. I close my eyes and pretend
that we’re dancing in my room again.

“I’ve never danced
with anyone else to this song,” he says, unaware that he’s
splintering my heart even more.

“Me either,” I say
without opening my eyes.

I know once I do, I
will be lost. I will be trapped by his green ones.
Logan’s
little sister.
I can’t let myself over-think this. He
saw me sitting alone and sad. Of course he would ask me to dance. Jax
isn’t the bad guy he wants everyone to believe he is. Which is why
it makes pulling away from him that much harder.

“I’m sorry. I
can’t. I know what you’re doing. Thanks, but I can’t.”

I hurry away without
another word. It’s nice that Jax is being the better person, that
he took time out of his night to dance with the sad little girl. I
can’t dance with him and pretend I feel nothing for him, that what
he said last night is okay. It’s not.

I jog off the dance
floor. I rest against a pillar and squeeze my eyes shut. I won’t be
able to survive sitting next to Jax through dinner. It’s too soon.
I don’t hear him come up behind me, but I know without turning
around, it’s him pressing against my back.

“Ads, please talk to
me,” he pleads into my ear.

“Please just go
away.”

I don’t even open my
eyes. I don’t need to. He has been forever imprinted in my mind.

“Please just give me
a chance to explain.” He spins me around and grips my face in both
hands. “Please just talk to me.”

When I open my eyes,
his sadness takes my breath away. I know this is my chance. This is
the only chance I will get to not have “what ifs.” This is the
moment for closure.

I tear his hands away
from my face. Him being this close is hard enough, I don’t need him
touching me. I lose every train of thought when he touches me. This
is my time to tell him everything and walk away.

“You may think we
were never friends, but we were, Jax. You were my best friend for
sixteen years. You have always been here for me whenever I needed
you.” I press my fingertips over his mouth when he tries to speak.
“You let me in once. I loved that I was the person you turned to
when you needed someone. All I have ever wanted was to be here for
you, to be the person you lean on.”

I take a deep breath. I
love the smell of Jax. If it was possible I would bottle up his
woodsy scent.

“I may be just
Logan’s little sister to you, but you have always been my best
friend. You saved me. When nobody else was there, you were. That’s
why it kills me to know that I’m nothing to you.”

All the hurt from all
his games rushes forward. I tell myself to leave, to not say another
word, but I need to tell him everything. It’s time for me to give
up on any hope of us being together.

“All you had to do
was tell me the truth eight years ago. But you didn’t. Instead you
chose to lead me on, knowing exactly how I felt about you. I’ve
loved you for as long as I can remember, Jax!”

“I’m so sorry, Ads.
I didn’t mean it the way it came out last night.”

“Please stop.”

“No. You need to hear
this. I need you in my life.”

I refuse to believe his
lies. “You don’t want me in your life. If you did, you would have
considered my feelings a long time ago. Instead you made me doubt
being with Kohen. I could have lost someone who loves me because of
you! But I’m nothing but your best friend’s little sister to
you.”

“Even without Logan
in my life, I would still need you in mine.”

“We both know that’s
not true.” I gather the folds of my dress as I prepare to leave.
“You don’t have to worry about Logan. He will never know. When we
are forced to see one another because of my brother, we will be civil
towards each other, but nothing more, never again.”