Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (50 page)

By the time I reach my
apartment complex, I’m dripping in sweat and I need to shower.
Still I can’t help changing into workout clothes to go run. I
should feel something by now, my muscles should protest, but I can’t
even feel a slight burn. I’m numb.

Making my way to
Central Park, I put
Alive
by Zedd on repeat. The fallen leaves crunch under my feet. I lose
myself in his music and run. An hour later I’m barely able to
stagger into my apartment. I’m still numb. I know my body is on
fire from being pushed too hard, I just can’t feel it. The worst is
knowing I’m empty inside. I’m drowning again and I don’t know
if I’ll ever reach the surface.

Three days.

Three days of being
numb.

Three days of going
through the motions.

Three days is all it
takes for me to realize that I need to stop acting. I’m not that
person anymore. I’ve hung out with Harper during lunch, been
texting Kohen, and I even had dinner last night with my brother, but
it wasn’t really me. The last three days I’ve been a ghost, a
shell of a person.

Now I’m feeling
everything.

I force myself to keep
busy so that I can stop thinking about Jax. Work, excessively baking,
and exercising are the only things that make the pain of losing him
manageable. If I stop, I hear him telling me he loves me, I feel his
hands caressing me, I can taste him. When I remember him, remember
us, it takes everything in me to keep breathing, to pretend that
everything is normal.

Now I’m choosing to
forget him, to forget us.

I’m moving on.

I’m moving on to
dinner with Kohen at eight. I glance at the clock to make sure I
still have plenty of time. Crap! Five minutes. I’m not even close
to ready. Time slips away from me lately.

I race to the bathroom
to apply mascara and lipstick. I pin my hair back while I walk to my
closet. After slipping into jeans, I opt for the first shirt I see.
Black. To match my heart. I snatch a pair of my favorite Betsey
Johnson booties when I hear a knock.

“Just a sec,” I
yell loudly enough for Kohen to hear me.

Clutching my purse, I
saunter over to the floor length mirror. I look decent for only
having five minutes to get ready. My cheeks are a little red from
running around. I’m surprised how put together I appear. When I
reach the door, I pause. I’ll have to act like everything is fine.
I can’t let Kohen know I’m dying inside because of another man. I
give myself a little pep talk before unlocking the door. I beam at
Kohen. He’s in a simple pair of jeans and a blue dress shirt.

“Hi!” I say too
cheerfully.

“You take my breath
away,” he says in return.

I chew on my lip. I
can’t help but compare him to Jax. Which of course is unfair. I
can’t compare the two. They are two different people, of course
they are going to have differences.

“Thanks. You’re not
hard to look at, either.”

“These are for you.”
He extends a beautiful arrangement of blood red tulips.

Telling him thank you,
I set them on the table. I love that he has them in a vase. He’s
always thinking about me, always wanting to make things easier.

I link my arm through
his and follow him to the elevator. As the elevator descends, I
realize that I’ve been going about the Jax situation all wrong. I
shouldn’t be hiding, I shouldn’t be hurt. He didn’t do anything
that I hadn’t expected. I’ve always known he wasn’t the man
that I would marry. I hoped he would change that, but deep down I
knew it would never happen.

Kohen squeezes my hand.
I force my frown to disappear. He’s not Jax, he’s better. He
isn’t pushing me away. He wants me. I need to open up to him on our
date tonight. He deserves to get to know me.

Conversation flows
easily with Kohen. The only thing that I would change about our date
would be the place. I hate going to fancy places that serve the
smallest portions and it costs five times more. I’m happy with a
burger and fries. Finger food and cold beer. Can’t get better than
that.

Somehow swimming gets
thrown into the conversation. I’m surprised when he tells me he
used to swim in high school.

“No way! I was a
swimmer too!”

“I know.” He
flashes me his dimples.

We talk back and forth
of the pros and cons of competitive swimming. The cons is an awfully
short list. Early morning practice. I’m surprised that Kohen is
just as passionate about swimming as I am. I love sharing this part
of myself with him. Another thing in common.

“You were very
talented. Why did you stop?” Kohen asks.

I start to recite the
usual speech, but pause. I don’t need to give him some fake BS just
to make it easier for me. I need to tell him the truth, which will
lead to the next series of questions.

The terrifying part is
that I’m not even scared to tell him. If I open up to him, I’m
giving him the power to break me. The same thing I did years ago with
Jax. The warning bells were ringing loud and clear then. Now? It’s
silent, it’s time to let someone else know me. It’s time to move
on.

“I stopped because it
didn’t make me happy anymore. Every time I looked at the water I
was miserable. I couldn’t escape off the pool deck quick enough.
One night I attempted to . . .” I shake my head. “I was never
able to go back in after I tried to kill myself, until recently.”

Silence.

Nervously, I begin
digging my fingernails into my palm. This is it. This is when he runs
away from me. This is the moment he realizes I’m too damaged. I’m
not the person he thinks I am. He surprises me by reaching across the
table and taking my hand. I’m relieved he doesn’t ask why I
thought suicide was my only answer. He knows something terrible
happened and he’s letting me go at my own pace. That simple act
makes it easier to open up to him.

“What made you not .
. . never mind, sorry, I don’t want to push you to tell me
anything.”

“It’s okay. I want
to tell you.” I glance around and realize that we’re not in our
own little world. “Just not here. Do you want to come over for the
night?” I ask.

Kohen nods while
signaling for the check. I rest my head on his shoulder when we sit
in the cab. It’s a peaceful silence, neither of us needing to
speak.

Kohen gives me a chaste
kiss on the lips in the elevator, promising to see me soon. He’s
going to his place to get something to sleep in. I quickly change
into a pair of cotton shorts and snatch an over-sized shirt. It’s
actually mine and not one of the guys’. I didn’t want to chance
thinking about Jax because of a stupid old shirt. Which reminds me, I
need to toss those out. I can’t have them in my place anymore.

I’ll do that
tomorrow. Tonight it’s all about moving forward with Kohen. Every
step closer to him pulls me away from Jax. Which is what I need. I
just wish my stupid shattered heart would stop holding out hope for
Jax. I’m constantly at war with myself; my mind knows Kohen is the
perfect guy to move on with, my heart isn’t so sure. As much as I
try to deny it, I still have hope for Jax. Even though it’s just a
sliver, it’s enough to drive me crazy.

Knock. Knock, I hear at
the same time the front door opens.

Weird, I thought I
locked that. This whole Jax thing is messing with my mind more than I
even realized. I release my lower lip from my teeth. “Hey.”

I have no idea why I’m
so nervous. This is Kohen. But for some unknown reason, this feels
wrong. He shouldn’t be here in my space, instead someone with
tattoos should.

I need to try that much
harder to open up to Kohen. Yeah, that’s what it is. I let Jax in,
I let him be here for me. I gave him the chance to see me, to break
me. He took it. Now, I need to give Kohen a chance to know me.
Hopefully I’ll be enough for him and he’ll still be here after
seeing me for me. Only one way to find out.

“Hello,” Kohen
says, relaxed, in his element at my place.

He moves toward my
couch, but I stop him. “How about we hang out on the balcony for a
little bit?”

“Sounds perfect.”

I walk across the
living room toward the balcony. I pause when I get to the doors and
notice that Kohen isn’t behind me. I’m about to call out to him,
but he returns with one of my throw blankets that I keep in a closet.

“Don’t want you
getting cold.”

I manage to smile at
his thoughtfulness. It’s refreshing to have someone want to take
care of you instead of always relying on yourself.

Kohen lays down in a
lounge chair and beckons for me to sit in-between his legs. I can’t
help but compare how my body reacts differently to him than Jax. I
force myself to relax into him and ignore that it’s not Jax’s
chest I’m laying against.

Kohen waits for me to
gather my thoughts while he rubs my arms. I let the words flow out,
not caring if it makes any sense. Just wanting to tell him about
myself. Having him behind me, makes it easier for the words to spill
out of my mouth.

“I used to be a
different person. You wouldn’t recognize me six years ago. I was
this bubbly person that smiled all the time. My life wasn’t
perfect, but it was pretty darn close. I had the most amazing parents
in the world, not a day went by that I wasn’t reminded how much
they loved me and how proud they were of me. Our little sister was
different from us. She thought dirt under her nails was the worst
thing that could ever happen. She was artsy, always dressing up. Even
though Logan and I would tease her, she looked up us. I’m pretty
sure she thought we could walk on water. We could do no wrong in her
eyes.”

I remind myself to
relax my fist. I know that I will dig my nails into my palms to the
point where I draw blood if I don’t. Which is not what I need right
now. I’m not numb, I don’t need to harm myself to feel something.
That’s not what this is about. I force myself to continue. I can
open up to somebody and not have my world crumble. I want that person
to be Kohen. I trust him.

“I had goals. Goals
that I did everything in my power to achieve. There was nothing more
important to me than succeeding. I pushed myself harder each time I
got into the water. Swimming consumed my life. My entire world was
centered around swimming, until it wasn’t.”

His hold on me becomes
stronger, unbreakable. I love the strength in his arms. Kohen is
letting me know he’s here without words. I love that he is so
patient with me. Not asking the questions that I know he wants
answered. He is letting me take my time, share what I’m willing to
share. I turn my head slightly so that I can kiss his forearm.

“I wasn’t able to
get back into the water for six years. I was afraid of not feeling
the same. I was afraid of the memories. Mostly, I was afraid of being
happy. I didn’t think I deserved being happy. Sometimes I have to
remind myself that it’s okay to be happy.” I say the last
sentence so quietly I doubt he hears me.

“I promise to help
you remember if you ever forget, Adalynn.”

I snuggle into him
closer. I’m glad that I’m confiding in him. It’s not as hard as
I thought it would be. I want to be done and just go to sleep in his
arms, but I know I need to say one more thing.

“My parents and
sister are . . . they’re . . .” I struggle for the words.

Even though I know that
they’re dead and aren’t coming back, it’s hard to form the
words out loud. My throat tightens.

“It’s okay, you
don’t have to tell anything you don’t want to. Just know whenever
you’re ready, I’m here. Nothing can ever keep me away from you.”

Those are the words I
needed to hear. All doubts of not being enough for him evaporate.

“My parents and
sister died six years ago. I was with them when it happened.”

I don’t elaborate and
Kohen doesn’t make me. He drags me closer to him as if he’s
afraid I will run away from him and shut him out. I try to say more,
but nothing comes out. I’m not ready to tell him everything yet.
Just being able to say this much to him is a huge accomplishment.

We head to my room
holding hands. It’s surprisingly refreshing to share with someone
that doesn’t know me or my past. I was afraid opening up to him
would push him away. I’m glad that I was wrong. He needs to know
me, to really want to be with me. I can’t pretend anymore, not with
him.

His arms wrap around me
as he spoons me from behind. This as as close to content that I’ve
felt since Jax told me I wasn’t enough. Whenever I was with Jax, I
always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that it will
never last. I never feel like that with Kohen. He always does
everything in his power to show me how much he wants me. He is the
exact opposite from Jax.

He’s the light and
Jax is the darkness.

I’m done with the
darkness.

I want to bask in the
sun.

I want to be with
Kohen.

Even though my mind
knows this, it’s hard to ignore that my heart aches because I’m
in somebody else’s arms. I can’t help that my shattered heart is
comparing them. Like the way that I have to remind myself to relax
into Kohen’s arms when my body naturally molds into Jax. It’s a
good thing I don’t listen to my heart anymore. Following my heart
is the reason why it’s demolished into a million pieces without any
hope of healing.

I wish that I could
just shut it off. Like I used to. It would make this so much easier.
My heart wouldn’t be aching for Jax. I would be satisfied with
Kohen. It would be as easy as flipping a switch for me. Too bad I
know exactly how hard it is to flip that switch back on. It’s taken
me six long years to feel again, to want to live. No matter how easy
it would be to go numb again, I couldn’t do that to myself or
Kohen. He doesn’t deserve to be with someone who isn’t really
there.