Awake Unto Me (32 page)

Beth’s eyes were closed and she was luxuriating in Kerry’s kisses and caresses. She had wanted to complain when Kerry stopped touching her on her most sensitive area to resume kissing her, but she felt it was hardly fair. She felt well loved and well taken care of. She had, however, become delightedly used to a certain progression, a certain order that was most gratifying. The change confused her.

Then she felt Kerry’s tongue; it made her jump. It was such an unusual feeling she wasn’t sure at first if she liked it. She propped herself up on her elbows and opened her eyes and watched Kerry for a moment. But the sensations were too much and she closed them and lay back down.
Oh. My God.
Kerry’s tongue moved over her most sensitive parts, delving inside her only to move back to her clitoris. The world spun and she held onto Kerry’s shoulders to keep from falling off.

“I hope you didn’t mind,” Kerry said some time later.

“No. Not at all. It was just—overwhelming,” Beth said. Her breathing was finally slowing down. Her limbs were heavy and she felt relaxed but not sleepy.

“I couldn’t have imagined a feeling such as that. The other way—that’s wonderful too.”

“How would you like to try it?” Kerry grinned.

“Oh, I fear I wouldn’t be any good,” Beth said, “but I want to, very much.” She gazed at Kerry with adoration, and Kerry kissed her again.

They kept on kissing for some time and Beth continued to press her fingers against Kerry’s warm flesh.
If I can’t do this properly will she stop loving me? I hope not.
Kerry’s body stiffened and surged against her.

“Now?” Beth asked.

“Yes. Please. Now.” Kerry gasped, her eyes huge and dark.

She kissed Kerry’s sharp hipbones and her flat smooth stomach and carefully lowered herself between her legs.
This is certainly amazing. I never dreamed of such intimacy. It’s truly a miracle.
Her efforts were rewarded quickly. Kerry cried out and twisted convulsively. She clutched at Beth’s hair. To Beth’s surprise, Kerry pushed her away, and she looked up, alarmed.

“My love? Is something wrong?”

Kerry gasped for breath. “No, not at all. It’s too much for me. The pleasure. Stop a moment.”

They lay close together, not speaking for a time. Beth was feeling unaccountably pleased with herself except for a tiny part of her mind—the evil, jealous part that thought, against her will, Everything she has done with me, she has already done
.
In a moment that should be one of her happiest and most loving, Beth was appalled to find herself thinking of Kerry with other women. She made a sound, a sigh—nearly a grunt. Kerry propped herself on her elbow and peered into her face, looking concerned.

“Beth, love? What is it? What’s the matter?”

Beth was startled at Kerry’s perception and ashamed of her thoughts. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not,” Kerry said firmly. “I know you and that wasn’t the sigh you make when you’re satisfied. It was different altogether. Please tell me. I won’t be angry.”

“No, truly, it was nothing. Don’t worry.”

“I see.” Kerry clearly wasn’t mollified, but she was graciously willing to cease her questions. Beth felt even worse. She didn’t know how she should feel.
I couldn’t really expect her to be virginal like me, considering what her life has been like. Why do I feel that what we have together isn’t as good somehow, or not unique? I’m being childish and ungrateful.

*

“I have an idea,” Kerry said, some weeks after Beth’s withdrawal after lovemaking. “You must think my childhood was appalling with what I did with Sally and the crimping I carried on with Jack, but it wasn’t all like that. I want to show you something. Would you come with me?”

Beth spun around, again astounded at Kerry’s insight.
Has she become a mind reader then? She has the ability to understand my body as though it were her own.

“Come with you where, Kerry?” Beth asked somewhat suspiciously.

“Oh, my dear, don’t be frightened.” Kerry laughed, upsetting Beth a little. “I’m not proposing we go back to the Grey Dog and visit Sally.”

“I should say not,” Beth said, indignantly. “I have no desire to ever speak to that woman. Once was quite enough. If I saw her again, I’d be tempted to shoot her.”

“My goodness, Bethy. I had no idea your feelings were so strong.”

Kerry was still smiling and her tone indicated she considered Beth’s reaction highly amusing. This angered Beth more.

“What has happened to you, love? You’re in a healing profession and you wish to inflict harm on the likes of Sally.”

“Oh, it’s all very well for you to make fun of me. It’s an enormously amusing situation to you then. You have no idea how I feel.”

Kerry turned serious in an instant. “I’m sorry, Beth, if I’ve upset you. Would you tell me please what disturbs you so?”

Beth’s anger died down and again she was ashamed of herself for her unreasonable response.

“Kerry, dearest, it’s just that—these many months since we’ve been together—I’ve felt so… Oh, I’m not saying this well.”

“Bethy, it’s fine. Just tell me. I promise you I’ll listen.”

It was those words, almost exactly, that had finally reached her on that night in Golden Gate Park, when her reserve had finally cracked and she confessed about her abuse by Svenhard.

She looked into Kerry’s warm brown eyes and became teary. “Oh, it’s so silly. I’m such a fool. You’ll think me so ridiculous.”

Kerry put an arm around her and wiped a tear from her cheek. She smiled. “No, I won’t. I want you to tell me.”

Beth sniffed and took a breath, gathering her thoughts. She looked at Kerry. “I love you so much. I’m so in love with you. I love what we are with each other, what we do together.” Beth blushed inadvertently. “It’s just that I know that you’ve been with other women and done the same things with—” She stopped, embarrassed, but she wanted to say it, she wanted to tell Kerry the truth.

“I can’t forget that you touched other women the same way you touch me. And they have touched you.”

Kerry put a finger on her lips and said, softly, “Beth. I know what your trouble is. You’re jealous.”

Beth’s eyes widened. “Yes, I suppose so. Isn’t it the height of girlish silliness?”

Kerry laughed again but it wasn’t an unkind laugh. “Well, Elizabeth,” she said solemnly, “you
are
a girl, after all.”

“Yes, but I’m grown up now and it’s not becoming and it’s terribly immature—”

“Beth? I may have done things with another girl. I have. I can’t change the past. Nor can you.”

That gave Beth pause, for it reminded her again of what had been done to her. She waited to hear the rest.

“Nonetheless, I tell you this with all my heart. My body, my hands, my lips may have touched her body and given her pleasure. That’s true. But there has never been, nor will there ever be, anyone other than you who has touched my heart, my soul, or my spirit as you have. And that makes the same touches I exchanged with Sally trivial. With you they’re entirely new. I’m new again with you. You came to me a virgin, and I tell you I came to you that way. I was virgin in love. Only you will ever have that part of me.” Kerry lifted Beth’s hand to her lips and kissed her palm.

“Oh, my God, Kerry, I know that. I’m sorry. I know how much you love me.”

“I do. And since I love you, I want to know all about you and I want you to know all about me. So come with me, please. I want to show you something.”

*

It was still there. The sign was the same.

“What is this place?” Beth asked with some anxiety. She took in the sign, Oddities of Interest.

“This is the Cobweb Palace. Now, I know you have no love of spiders.” Kerry was teasing her. “But spiders aside, oddities aside, I saw something here when I was only ten, and I didn’t know then what I was seeing, but now I do.”

“You’re being mysterious again. Please tell me I won’t have a thousand spiderwebs sticking to me and nasty spiders all over me.”

Kerry took her hand. “Trust me, Bethy. Once you see what I have to show you, spiders will disappear like the fog every morning.”

Beth still looked skeptical.

They walked through the front door and blinked and peered in the dimness until they could see. Many of the animals were gone, long dead, even the raucous obscenity-spewing parrot.

Old Pop Warner still stood behind the bar, but he was getting on in years. The wags said spiders would soon be spinning their webs over him as though he were one of his own oddities of interest.

He nodded an indifferent greeting to them.

Kerry slowly led Beth around the Cobweb Palace and they stared for a good amount of time at each of the many portraits of women.

“I came here as a youngster,” Kerry whispered. “The animals and the other things amused me, but these pictures drew me as nothing else did. I came to see them over and over. I didn’t know why then, but I understand now. My younger self was drawn to these women because I knew they would be my destiny. I didn’t know it would be one in particular.” Kerry smiled lovingly at Beth. “So now you know that my childhood held some innocence, some wonder, some love. It wasn’t as depraved as you might imagine.”

Beth took her hand. “I do know that. Something good must have made you what you are. I’m sure Addison had much to do with that, but still you were already fifteen when you went to him and so much had happened to you before that. We truly cannot change the past and can gain nothing by regret.”

Kerry knew Beth was speaking of her but thinking of herself. She took Beth’s hand and led her back outside.

“There’s certainly nothing in my present or in my future that will ever cause me any regret.” She looked Beth in the eye, and Beth’s eyes answered her. They smiled at one another and took a nice stroll along the waterfront. Even on the wicked Barbary Coast, the sparkling San Francisco Bay reflected the sky, and its sun lit them with its own air of innocence.

Addison and Laura returned home from church and Addison helped Laura out of the carriage.

“I shall be home in an hour or so,” he told her. He was off to the hospital for a short while.

“As you wish,” Laura said, bored.

She put her coat and hat away in the armoire and went into the hallway. It was clear Kerry and Beth weren’t about.
They aren’t awake yet. It’s disgraceful laziness.

When she reached the top of the stairs, she stopped. She heard their voices. They were muffled, indistinct. The door was still closed.

Do I dare?
Laura was consumed with curiosity. She couldn’t resist the compulsion.

She crept to the door on her hands and knees and put her eye to the keyhole. Her mouth dropped open.

Beth’s back was turned toward her; she could tell by her long swath of dark blond hair falling across her back. She focused, however, on a hand moving over that back from shoulder blade down to—Laura couldn’t bring herself to say the word even to herself. The hand disappeared under the cover, then moved back up and then back down. She couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but it was clear what they were doing.

*

Laura sat in the armchair, pretending to knit. Beth and Kerry came through the front door, their laughter bouncing off the walls and into her ears.

“Good afternoon!” they caroled on their way to the kitchen. Laura glared in the direction of their retreating backs. Their high spirits infuriated her, and her inability to confront them without revealing her subterfuge frustrated her.
It is the same with Addison. He would demand to know how I came to form my conclusions, and then if I tell him, he will be angry. He
would never notice their behavior; he’s entirely unaware of anything except his work.
Laura’s multiple resentments coalesced into one very large black cloud, and she fumed silently.

There must be some way, something I can do.
Then she had a moment of clarity.
Beth’s parents. That’s the key. They’ll want to remove her from a degrading situation. I can explain it so it doesn’t reflect badly on Addison and me. That is what I shall do. I can separate them. Beth’s parents will see to that. When Beth has to leave and Addison finds out why, then surely he will understand and agree with me. He will tell Kerry to leave.
She was satisfied. She felt better than she had in weeks.

*

It was a pleasantly warm July afternoon. Laura stood outside Hammond’s Dry Goods Store, suddenly hesitant. How would she frame what she’d come to say? She squared her shoulders, straightened her hat, and marched through the front door. She recognized Mr. Hammond, who stood behind the counter adding up a customer’s purchases.

Laura waited until the transaction was complete and the customer had departed, then she smiled.

“Mr. Hammond?” she asked.

He nodded, with a quizzical expression. “Madam. May I assist you?”

“Ah, you don’t recognize me, perhaps,” she said in her most pleasant social voice.