Awake Unto Me (28 page)

She had walked through the bar, paying no attention to the comments and stares of the patrons. She saw only one person, Kerry, who didn’t notice her approach because she was so absorbed by her companion. She broke off from kissing Sally to swig something.

Kerry was attempting to get herself excited by kissing Sally with a lot of tongue. It wasn’t working. Sally was moaning and writhing with what might have been real excitement. Kerry stopped for a breath and happened to look up and see Beth. Sally grabbed her face and tried to turn her so they could kiss some more. When she couldn’t move Kerry’s head, she followed her gaze and saw the somberly dressed young woman with her dark blond hair neatly pulled back.

Beth stood next to the table, her eyes fixed on Kerry, but she said nothing.

Kerry was astonished and suddenly ashamed. She sat up a little straighter and tried to pull herself together. “Hello, Beth,” she said, coolly. “What are you doing here?” She had an inkling of why Beth might have come, and a tiny spark of hope penetrated her darkness of anger, drunkenness, and shame.

“Kerry. I want to talk to you,” Beth said evenly. “I want you to come home.”

“Who’s this?” Sally demanded. Both Kerry and Beth ignored her, however, their eyes fixed on each other.

“Beth, I think we’ve talked enough. There’s nothing more to say.”

Sally glared at Beth. “Honey, you ain’t got what she wants. You better go on back where you came from.”

As if Beth hadn’t heard a word either of them said, she repeated, “Kerry, I want to talk to you. I
need
to talk to you. To explain.”

“I don’t believe you.” Kerry didn’t want to say what she was saying but she seemed powerless to stop. “I’m stayin’ here,” she said defiantly.

Beth stood composed, just looking at her. She seemed about to say something else, but, instead, she turned and walked out of the Grey Dog.

Kerry slumped in the chair and stared moodily at the glass of whiskey in front of her. Sally started kissing her and feeling her breasts. She crooned in Kerry’s ear, “I’ll just be off to the outhouse, and then I’ll be right back and we’ll go upstairs and I’ll get cleaned up and we can…” She paused and grinned and batted her eyes. “Don’t you go getting too drunk.”

Kerry finally looked at her. Ugh, she thought. I don’t want to do it. I can’t do it. Beth. She came all the way down here to find me. I need to know what she wants to tell me, no matter what it may be. Sally homed in for another sloppy kiss, but Kerry put her arm out and stopped her.

“I’m goin’, Sal. I’m sorry. Another time.” She stood up and walked toward the door, waving good-bye to Leo.

“Kerry-o! Wait. Come back here, you no-good tease. You think you’re too good for me? You ain’t nothin’. You’re just another piece of Barbary Coast trash like what the tide brings up. That high-class bitch isn’t going to want you and she can’t do nothing for you. Not like me. Come back here!”

But Kerry didn’t stop to listen; she was already out the door and walking swiftly down Jackson Street to the Embarcadero. She searched around wildly for Beth.
She can’t have gone very far.

The gaslights were few and far between, and they cast a dim glow in the fog.
She’d go up Market to catch the cable car. That’s got to be it.
Kerry walked faster. The cold air was starting to sober her up.

She made a sharp right turn by the Ferry Building and looked toward the cable car stop. She spotted Beth standing under the streetlight. Kerry could see that a big lout was making his way over to her so she took off running. It seemed to take forever; her legs wouldn’t move. She got close enough that she could hear the man’s deep threatening voice and Beth’s softer replies. The man was pushing too close to Beth, who bravely but foolishly stood her ground.

She ran between them and turned and faced down the man. He was drunk as a skunk and three times her size.

“Sorry, pardner. She’s with me.”

“Be gone, you little shit. She don’t want you,” he growled.

He lunged and Kerry dipped her head and butted him in the gut. He staggered back, choking. She gave him a smart blow to the back of the neck and down he went.

“Beth,” Kerry panted. “Let’s head up the street before he comes to.”

Beth let Kerry grab her arm and drag her along Market Street. They couldn’t see any cable cars coming. Kerry looked back and saw the drunk pulling himself up from the pavement. He would recover his senses in a moment and they’d be in trouble.

“Here,” Kerry said, as she spotted a cab and waved him over. They climbed in.

“Howdy, folks. What’s your pleasure?”

Beth looked at Kerry and Kerry gazed back at her. They laughed as they tried to catch their breaths.

“Golden Gate Park,” Beth said suddenly.

Kerry said, “You’re out of your senses, love, but let’s go.”

“I may be out of my senses but I am glad to see you, though I’m surprised.” Beth settled her handbag on her lap. “You were somewhat occupied when I left,” she remarked acidly.

“I didn’t know what to do. When I left you, I mean. I was angry. I knew I could have a few drinks and a few laughs with old Sally.”

“It seems as though you had more than a few drinks,” Beth said, a slight edge in her voice. “And Sally seems to know you very well.”

“Uh…” Kerry was completely at a loss. She knew she should explain but she couldn’t. “How did you find me?”

“Addison told me. He gave me the address of the Grey Dog Saloon. He was right. It’s a bad part of town.”

“Beth, you don’t know the half of it. But you came to find me. Because you came to find me, I think you want to tell me what you wouldn’t tell me before.”

“You’re right, I have to tell you but I’ve never told anyone.” Beth took a deep breath. “But let’s wait until we get to the park.” She took Kerry’s hand in her both of hers and they rode in silence across town to the park.

The cab let them out at McLaren Lodge on the eastern end of Golden Gate Park, near the Conservatory of Flowers. It was nearly pitch dark, but a slight glow from the moon filtered through the nightly fog and clouds and reflected off the Conservatory, giving it a ghostly white glow. They walked down the promenade and sat down on the nearest bench. Kerry turned to Beth, trying to divine her expression in the dark.

“It seems to me, it’s time you tell me what has happened to you and why you react as you do when I…touch you. I promise you. I’ll listen and I won’t judge you. I’m in love with you. Nothing will change that. Ever. You saw tonight where I come from. That was where I spent my childhood, Beth. That was my home.” Kerry squeezed Beth’s hands.

“Your breath is still filled with drink.”

“I’ll try not to breathe on you then. You talk and I’ll listen.”

Beth took a deep breath and told her about Reverend Svenhard and his “Bible lessons.” She left little out, describing her parents’ betrayal, her love for the young Italian girl whom she had never spoken to again, and the feeling that everything had been her fault. Somehow, saying everything out loud took some of the bitterness with it, and when she was done, she suddenly felt room in her soul for the first time, as though the darkness embedded there had escaped with the words.

“So it was when you touched me,” Beth paused, “there. It’s as though it wasn’t you. I
know
that it’s you and I love you, but my body or my psyche rebels without my being able to control it.”

Kerry was silent a long time. Beth worried it was from disgust. Finally she spoke and her voice had the rough Irish accent that Beth had noticed before, the same one she’d heard with the whore in the bar. Beth knew she must be greatly moved.

“Him a preacher and he treated you worse than he would treat a pretty waiter girl. At least with them on the Coast it’s an honest thing. If it’s not clean or good, at least they make the choice. I never heard of a preacher man doing that.”

“Come, Kerry dearest. How many preacher men have you
really
known?” Beth was so relieved she was laughing a little.

“Well, none, maybe. But still that seems too fantastic to think of. A man of God going after a little girl. There’s men for sure that want the youngest they can find. But not their own friends’ daughters. You were innocent, Beth.”

“No. He said it was my fault.”

“Never mind what he said. He was lower than a reptile, he was,” Kerry said. “If I’d been there, I would have got someone to kill him or done it myself.”

“Well, now you know,” Beth whispered, amazed at Kerry’s vehemence.

“I’m glad you told me.”

“You are?”

“Surely. It explains so much. It doesn’t matter. It’s over. No one can use you or hurt you again. I love you. You’re a good woman, and that bastard was wrong. It wasn’t your fault, it was his.”

“My parents are ashamed of me,” Beth said, sadly. “We can barely speak.”

“It could explain why you’d never want to marry. Your parents couldn’t argue with that.” Kerry was smiling. “You can keep on doing your nursing work and stay with me.”

“After all, women who work—no man would want one.” Beth rolled her eyes but grinned a little.

“That’s so, isn’t it? Then it’s all settled.”

They sat still, huddling together without speaking.

“Kerry?”

“Yes, Beth, love.”

Beth cleared her throat. “Who was that woman—the one sitting on your lap?”

“Just someone I used to know,” Kerry said evasively.

“Kerry, if I’m to be honest with you, you must be honest with me.” Beth didn’t sound angry exactly, but she was grave.

“I, er. She was…”

“Please don’t try to protect me,” Beth said. “Who is she?”

“She was my sweetheart when I was younger.”

“Sweetheart? Do you mean like me?”

Not exactly like you,
Kerry thought grimly.

Beth tried hard to see Kerry’s expression in the shadows.

“You and she?” Beth asked.

“Yes. We did. But I don’t love her, and it all started when I was real young.” The sentence came out all in a rush and then Kerry fell silent again.

“I want to be the only one,” Beth said simply.

“You are, I swear!” Kerry cried fervently and kissed her to prove it. Their kiss got heated and Kerry swore quietly at the feeling of Beth’s body pressed against her own.

Beth shivered and snuggled closer to Kerry. “Oh, Kerry dearest, I want to be with you as she was. I want that more than anything!”

“We will, Beth, we will.”

“I’m freezing! I have to get indoors before I get the frostbite,” Beth complained with a smile.

“Oh, you. It is not
that
cold, you silly.”

They turned and looked into each other’s eyes and smiled and kissed again.

“It’s a ways back to Addison’s house and there are no cabs out here. We better start walking.”

Beth clung close to Kerry, hanging on her arm. The trees were swathed in fog; the moonlight gave them a mysterious glow. It was spooky and compelling.

Kerry pulled Beth close to her and they walked home quickly.

*

Addison was attempting to mask his worry by concentrating on a medical journal. He stole a glance at Laura. She was embroidering with an odd smile, as though she was harboring an especially delightful secret. It was nearly midnight when the front door opened and Addison heard their voices. He threw his journal aside and strode into the hall.

They were removing their coats and looked flushed, likely from the chilly night, but they were smiling.

“Ah. Beth, Kerry. I’m quite relieved to see you both.”

“Hello, Addison,” Beth said.

He was astounded at the contrast in her mood before she left and her quite obvious happiness.

He turned to Kerry, who was unwinding a scarf with her gaze fixed on Beth. The intensity of her expression surprised him. “Kerry. I’m so glad you’ve returned home,” he said, meaningfully.

“Addison. Sorry to have made you fret. I’ll try not to do that again.” She turned once again toward Beth, who returned her smile.

“We’re very tired. We’ll retire now,” Beth said, with a contrived yawn.

“Of course, naturally,” Addison said. “Kerry, will you need the carriage tomorrow to drive Beth to work?”

“Yes, please,” Kerry called over her shoulder. She was already running up the stairs after Beth.

He watched them for a moment, an idea slowly coalescing in his mind. He turned and went back to the parlor.

Laura sat with her hands folded and an unreadable expression on her face. Addison wondered that she hadn’t said a word to them upon their safe return.

“Ready to turn in?” she asked.

He nodded.

Addison sat behind his desk regarding Kerry and Beth, who sat before him.
What have they come to tell me? I believe I know. How shall I react? It’s not as though it’s a great surprise. I’ve suspected since Kerry came to us at age fifteen. They fell in together so naturally and so easily. Now they’re together. They’ve come to tell me so.