Awake Unto Me (29 page)

He cleared his throat. “Well,” he said, just a little too heartily, “how are you two and why so formal?”

They glanced at one another and Kerry nodded slightly. Beth looked down. She appeared to be about to jump out of her chair and run from the room. Kerry looked at her anxiously and squeezed her hand.

“I…” Beth said, then faltered.

Addison nodded benevolently.

“I need your advice,” Beth said hesitantly. “I…I have spells.”

Addison raised his eyebrows. This was altogether not what he expected. “Spells? What sort of spells, Elizabeth?”

He rarely called her by her whole name. It unnerved her even more. “Well, they come. They happen. I remember things.”

“How shall I say it?” Beth had asked Kerry earlier. “I can’t tell him it’s when we want to make love.”

Kerry had said, “No, you don’t have to tell him that. Just say what happens.”

“Things?”

“When I was ten years old, the minister of my church put his hands on me.”

Now Addison frowned and his eyes grew hard. “How do you mean? As a healing gesture?”

“No.” Beth looked down, embarrassed.

“Then what do you mean exactly?” Addison kept his voice even, but Beth could hear the anger in it.

“He touched me. He used me to…”

She couldn’t say it. She could scarcely bear to think of it.

“I understand. Say no more,” Addison said. “Did you tell your parents?”

Beth told him about Mama Rocco’s futile effort.

“I see. That is despicable, disgusting. I can scarcely credit it. However, I know you’re an honorable young woman and would never lie about something so vile. What can I do? Do you wish me to call the police?”

“Oh, no!” Beth said hastily. “He’s dead. He has been for many years.”

“Well, then, you may dismiss it from your mind. It’s over, thank goodness. It’s brave of you to tell me.”

“But it’s not over,” Beth said, miserable. “I have these memories or spells—I don’t know what to call them—when it seems I’m back with him again.”

“Are you hallucinating? What brings them on?” Addison was now writing notes down.

“Um…” Beth hesitated. She looked at Kerry, needing help. Kerry looked alarmed, obviously unable to speak.

“No, not hallucinations. Memories. At odd times.”

“What times?” Addison was now fully engaged in his professional mode and treating her as a patient from whom he must elicit information in order to make a diagnosis. He threw his pen down and fixed his eye on them, and they stared at each other.

“Come, Beth. You’re a nurse. You know we can’t treat the patient without knowing all the particulars of the symptoms.”

Kerry suddenly burst out. “She can’t tell you because it’s too private. It’s not important when. It’s just that these memories affect her terribly. She’s very unhappy. Can you help her?”

“Have you been witness to these ‘spells,’ as she calls them?” Addison asked.

“Yes,” Kerry said, firmly.

“Well, then, perhaps you would care to explain.”

Kerry took a breath and said, “They’re like nightmares. They come upon her and she can only cry and babble. It’s very distressing. It’s like she’s lost her mind.”

Beth silently breathed a sigh of relief. She was afraid Kerry would tell all. She didn’t know why she thought so, but she knew that the facts of their relationship were unusual enough they both didn’t wish to reveal them. They hadn’t even discussed it ahead of time.

Addison listened without comment. Then at last he said, “Your faith in me is gratifying, but I am very much afraid I can’t help you. The mind is mysterious. I am well versed in the diseases of the body, but I know nothing of the ills of the mind. It doesn’t seem as though you must be committed to an asylum.”

Both Beth and Kerry regarded him with genuine terror.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said reassuringly. “I’m only trying to say that I’m unable to be of direct assistance in helping you. You may find, Beth, that having spoken of these things, the burden will ease with time, the emotions attached to this terrible part of your life disappearing now you have released them into the open, so to speak. I can find someone who deals with the ills of the mind, if you like, should these spells continue. Hopefully, however, that won’t be the case. I suggest you just give it time.”

Beth and Kerry both looked relieved, and Addison warmed at their clear affection for one another. He cared deeply for them, and the nature of their relationship was none of his business as long as they were happy and healthy.

*

“Are you sure?” Kerry asked Beth. It was a Saturday evening a couple of weeks later. They had agreed to wait until Addison and Laura weren’t in the house. The wait was long and arduous. Even their frequent stolen kisses didn’t help much. Addison and Laura had gone to attend a band concert, which Kerry and Beth had politely begged out of, citing fatigue. In reality, both were brimming with anticipation.

Beth’s confession to Kerry and her reaction to it had freed something within her.
I don’t have to be afraid or ashamed. She understands. She loves me. She
loves
me.
That release in her fueled another, deeper longing to be as close as she could be to Kerry. She wasn’t afraid of that intimacy anymore; she wanted it more than she’d ever wanted anything, even her nursing certificate.

“Yes,” Beth exclaimed. “I’m sure! I’m very, very sure. It’s what I want more than anything.”

They had changed into nightgowns, together, in the same room with no hiding. It still made them a little shy, but they were able to laugh at themselves. They sat next to one another on the bed and looked into each other’s eyes. As they did, their breaths quickened. It was Beth who took Kerry’s face and kissed her on the mouth soulfully and tenderly.

Kerry thought she would melt, that they both would melt. They slid down on the bed together, kissing and clinging together, letting their feelings direct their movements. Hands explored, thighs crisscrossed. Kerry was desperate to touch Beth’s naked flesh, and Beth seemed equally desperate to be touched. They were perfectly in tune.

“Tell me,” Kerry breathed, “if I must stop.”

“Don’t stop,” Beth said. “I don’t want you to stop. I want everything. I’m not afraid. I want you so very much.”

Kerry slid her hand under Beth’s nightgown along her smooth thigh and past her hip to her side and finally to her breast. She moved slowly, still a little hesitant, holding back.

Beth closed her eyes in an involuntary response to so much stimulation and the feelings it invoked
.
Kerry’s hands were warm and firm and moved slowly but surely over her body. They made her tingle all over. She was basking, she was reveling in the feelings. Kerry kissed her with such adoration and tenderness, she wanted to weep with joy. Her body seemed to know the ultimate purpose of the kisses and touches as it moved and opened and relaxed in preparation. She felt no fear.

Kerry lifted up Beth’s nightgown and looked for one long moment. The movement caused Beth to open her eyes and see Kerry gazing at her naked body. She felt exposed but not ashamed by it. Kerry’s expression was grave with love and something like hunger. Beth was still too shy and she closed her eyes again. The next thing she felt was warmth and wetness on her nipple, and she understood it was Kerry’s mouth. A monumental wave of pleasure coursed down her spine and settled between her legs. She groaned and her hips jerked. Kerry lay down on her, pushing her body into the mattress. They heard the front door close downstairs and Addison and Laura’s voices. Kerry looked at Beth with alarm.

Beth pushed her away and pulled her nightgown down. “They’re home. We can’t.”

“But Beth—”

“No! Not when they’re in the house. It’s not possible.”

Kerry lay back, glum and more frustrated than ever. She was going to have to think of something. It was clear this was an even more delicate proposition than she realized.

Later, after Beth had fallen into a restless sleep, Kerry lay awake looking at her. Her brow was furrowed and she murmured a little in her sleep. Kerry’s anguish was tempered by compassion. She knew how Beth must have suffered at the hands of the vile old preacher. Kerry suddenly thought about Minny after Sally had set her to whoring when she was only thirteen. She was never the same. Kerry resolved to give Beth as much time as she needed and wanted.
She’ll know when she’s ready.

*

“Laura, my dear, please put your mind at ease. There’s nothing to worry about. They’re adults and can do as they wish.”

Laura had again brought up her displeasure and unease with Kerry and Beth’s seemingly odd behavior. She was attempting to engage Addison’s attention and get him in agreement with her so she could proceed with what she wished to do. He was, as usual, being obtuse and stubborn.

“They are young women! Young women are flighty and impetuous. Surely that must concern you?” She pleaded with him. She pouted prettily and looked at him from under her eyelashes. She used a concerned tone of voice rather than angry one. Nothing was working very well. Addison remained infuriatingly indifferent.

The latest item to bother Laura was that Kerry had asked to borrow the carriage overnight. She couldn’t say why; something was hovering just under her consciousness, though she couldn’t say what it was. Whatever she sensed, it prompted her to want to intercede or, in this case, get Addison to intercede if possible. Any objections would have to come from him.

Kerry always had been and probably always would be steadfastly unresponsive to Laura’s feelings. Laura had a glimmer of awareness that her treatment of Kerry, starting from the day Kerry walked into her house, was guaranteed to not produce any sort of emotional attachment on Kerry’s part. But it didn’t concern her. Kerry was an object in her orbit she couldn’t control. Laura knew Beth and Kerry were conspiring and were up to no good, but she couldn’t articulate what exactly put her so on edge. The secret conversations she listened to late at night only fueled her imagination. Kerry told Laura they would be away until late Sunday evening but hadn’t told her why or where they were going, and Kerry wouldn’t respond to her questions. Hence she was appealing to Addison as head of the house, but he wasn’t cooperating.

“Kerry is capable of looking out for herself. And Beth as well, I dare say. They haven’t indicated they’re off to illicit rendezvous with young men, so I see no cause to worry,” he said.

“That is where you’re wrong, James Addison. I worry about Beth. Kerry is a bad influence.”

Addison sighed. “Laura. Kerry may not behave how you wish she would, but, morally, she is above reproach. She works. She helps around the house. She has done nothing to warrant your distrust. As I said, this is her home for as long as she desires, and Beth’s as well. They may come and go as they please. We aren’t their parents, in any case.”

“Oh, you’re blind, Addison and you’re wrong. We must serve as their parents. It’s only right.” She felt this was the only basis upon which to appeal to him, but so far it was ineffective. She was going to have to take matters into her own hands.

“Laura, I fail to see—”

She uttered a groan of frustration and strode out of the room. She was determined to find out the truth.
He will see and he will act as I wish him to.

“But why won’t you tell me?” Beth asked. They were on their way downtown, but Kerry wouldn’t tell her where they were going. She’d only said, “I don’t wish to stay at home. We need privacy and Addison and Laura will be there.”

She didn’t need to elaborate. Beth knew very well. She couldn’t say how she knew they must be secretive, but she knew it as she knew in her heart that she loved Kerry and wanted to be with her forever and in every way possible. It seemed as though that was possible.
I am free now. I no longer need to fear my reaction when she touches me. I want her to touch me as much as she wants to.
That thought made Beth shiver, not from cold but in an utterly pleasant way.

Whenever Beth thought of Kerry and Kerry touching her, she got a flutter in her stomach. It was a pleasant frisson of anticipation, as though for a party or present, but something more as well. As they had discussed their plans and gathered their things and packed a small suitcase, she had smiled at Kerry and was rewarded with a blazing smile and a look of such love it made her faint. She was a bit weary, as usual, from the long day on the wards at the Presidio General Hospital, but she scarcely noticed it, so caught up in the anticipation of their night together.

They set off in the carriage. It seemed to Beth like a holiday as they made their way downtown. It had been a few years since she had actually been on Market Street. It was early evening, the sun hadn’t set. Downtown San Francisco bustled all around them. The street was filled with vehicles of every type; cable cars crisscrossed the main street. Wooden carts hauled goods of all types. Pedestrians walked in between the various vehicles, some slowly, as though they were on a country lane instead of a city street. Some darted and dodged the traffic.

Beth took it all in with a sense of exhilaration. She watched Kerry deftly navigate through the chaos, her face set in concentration but clearly enjoying herself. Beth thought how good it was to be a citizen of the great city. She spotted a large open vehicle filled with several severe-looking gentlemen in suits, but no horses were pulling it. It moved on its own power.