All That I Need (Secret Desires) (14 page)

“I’m sorry, Natalie. Kate, I’ll speak to you at home. I need to work.”

“Don’t you dare walk away from me!”

“This is not the time or place.”

“There might not be a time or place if you don’t deal with me right now.”

The client shooed her hand. “Go on, I’ll be over here.”

“I can’t leave your side,” he said.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll wait on the bench.”

Austin groaned, and then quietly between clenched teeth. “This client is paying our bills, and you’re making me look bad. There is nothing, I repeat nothing going on. I need you to go home, and I’ll talk to you later.”

I held my tongue, not sure what to do. This trophy wife was gorgeous, and his hands were on her back, I saw them…and yet it was his job. I just didn’t expect beautiful blonde to be in his job description, and just how close did they get. He never mentioned her before.

“I need you to go home. I have to go, now. My client is in danger when she’s unattended.”

“Fine,” I sighed, “but this isn’t over.” I was bitter, being shooed away. I was sure he was overstating the danger to get me off his back. I’d have to deal with this later.

It all happened in slow motion, and as Austin turned around, a single shot was fired. The woman’s white dress slowly turned red, and what started as a tiny dot seeped into a large red patch of blood.

People were screaming, and Austin dove pushing us down. “Get down,” he screamed. He was on his ear piece, pressing a button for a microphone, “I need an ambulance, Natalie is down” and rattled off an address.

Shit, shit, shit
, under his breath. Checking the perimeter, it looked clear. The hit man took his shot and was gone.

I had no idea his high profile client was a lawyer tied up with bad people. He’d put away a big name, and they’d just taken their revenge – Natalie was John Loughman’s pride and joy, the love of his life, and now she was gone, just like that. Austin couldn’t stop it – and I was there at the wrong place and the wrong time. If I hadn’t confronted him, she might still be alive.

It was a circus of police asking questions, flashing lights, and while an ambulance came, it was pointless. There was no life left in the blonde woman.

I sat stunned, holding my children as the police finished questioning people.

I never knew the details, never realized the client he was working for was in trouble, having put away a big name in the mob. Had I known, I’d never have agreed…it was pointless, I couldn’t change the past, only the future. Sitting in shock, it was too much to absorb.

“Are we safe?” I asked, terrified that he’d somehow gotten on their list, since he was her bodyguard.

“We’re safe. They don’t want us, it was only them.”

“Why were you out? Why didn’t you keep her inside?”

“You have to live your life Kate, even when you’re scared. Sitting around and waiting for something to happen doesn’t help.”

“Did she know she was in danger?” I could barely breathe.

“I don’t know how much she knew, but yeah. She was aware of her husband’s high profile job and the people he put away. There were risks involved. That’s why the job paid so much.”

“How could you risk yourself like that? You have a family.”

“It was a good job, Kate. It paid well, and there was an adrenaline high attached to it.”

“What about at night, when you came home?”

“They have around the clock security. There are other people covering different shifts. I just got the day position because Derek and I served together.”

“I keep seeing her face, and her white dressing turning red, all the blood…” I trailed off. “You never told me.”

“Would you have tried to stop me? Of course you would, but I knew the money was good, and I have a family to support. Let’s go home.”

I made a mental note to make a therapist appointment for Ryan. I don’t know how much he saw or absorbed, but being at a crime scene, it seemed like a good idea to talk to somebody.

Austin’s detail ended. Unable to protect his client, he felt defeated. Being released from his contract, we’d need to find something fast, now that neither of us was working. Thankfully we had a little bit of money saved, but it wouldn’t be enough to cover all of our bills for more than a couple of months.

No charges were filed. There was a very public contract on the woman. The husband knew they’d be coming for him next. They wanted him to suffer first, losing his wife. It wasn’t a matter of if it would happen; it was simply a matter of when.

The following day, the newspapers splashed headlines that John Loughman committed suicide the night his wife was murdered. Nobody really knows if he pulled the trigger or if somebody else did.

I felt jumpy all the time, always watching over my shoulder, and stopped wanting to go out. Playground trips become less frequent, and I had panic attacks about going to the grocery store. I’d never witnessed something like that, and all I kept thinking about was some random shooter taking us all out. Sleep was a thing of the past. I spent so many restless nights, getting up and checking on the kids, that I only finally napped when I’d collapse in exhaustion.

“You need to talk to somebody,” Austin said after several weeks of this.

“How did you do it? How did you see people getting killed, and keep going? I can barely function, and yet you were a soldier in a war.”

“The military creates killing machines; they pull the emotion out of it, only it all catches up with you later. At the time, you feel like you’re unbreakable. They build you up so much, that you think you’re bigger, badder, and it’s a survival instinct. Kill or be killed. It’s different in a war,” he said flatly. “I was trained, but it all caught up with me.”

“I don’t know how to get past this. I’m scared all the time,” I cried.

“You need to talk to somebody, Kate. You made an appointment for Ryan, but you need one for yourself too. What you saw wasn’t natural, but your reaction is. It’s normal to be afraid, panic, but it’s only because you haven’t worked through all the stages of grief yet. You can’t bottle this kind of stuff up, trust me, I tried.”

I nodded, and laid my head against Austin’s chest. “It’s her dress, I keep seeing her dress change from white to red, seeing the blood spilling out, soaking into the fabric, and just like that she was gone.”

“Shh, I know baby, I know.” He pulled me closer, wrapping his arm around me. “They aren’t after you. It’s all done now.”

Austin picked up a security job at a local bank for now, so we’d have some extra money coming in. His new salary was anemic compared to what he was making, but it was something. We’d have to figure something out fast, because if we didn’t, we’d lose our house.

“Maybe we should sell the house. We don’t have any equity, and we’re going to lose it if we get too behind on the mortgage.” I didn’t know what else to suggest.

“I’m not selling the house. Besides, there’s no guarantee it will sell right away. I’ll get a second job for now, until I can find something better.”

“Baby, you’re going to be so tired.”

“It will be easier to juggle two, than trying to figure out schedules for both of us with the kids. We can’t afford day care, and until they’re both in school, it doesn’t make sense.”

“I feel like I should be doing something.”

“You are, you’re taking care of our children,” he kissed my forehead. “That’s enough.”

“Do you think you can pick up another job? Our savings is running low,” I asked hesitantly.

“I’ll ask around. A lot of the guys pick up extra security gigs.”

“Austin, just not like the last one, okay?”

“Kate, it paid well. We need something big.”

He was right. We needed big money, and this one bank security job wasn’t going to cut it. We were in trouble.

He took a deep breath, “I’m thinking of asking Derek to give me another chance. We both knew it was a risky job, and wouldn’t end well. He knows it wasn’t me.”

“Austin, please no. I can’t handle you doing something that risky again. What would I do if he took you out as well that day? You wouldn’t be here. What would the kids and I do?”

“I am here,” his frustration was mixed between understanding and knowing he needed a better paying job. “Kate, I’ve got to ask. We can’t live on this salary alone. We’ll lose the house, and I don’t want to live like that. You deserve better.”

“All I care about is you. I don’t care about the house. Please, no more risky jobs, promise me.”

He nodded. “I’ll see if he knows of anything else.”

“Have you spoken to him since…” I stopped myself.

“Once or twice, but I knew he had his own issues, and I didn’t want to add stress to his life. I already dropped the ball.”

“You didn’t drop the ball,” I rushed to stop him from beating himself up.

“She was my responsibility.”

“Austin, it would have happened eventually, based on what you’ve told me.”

“But, it happened on my shift.”

Embracing my husband, I held him. We had so much turmoil over the entire thing, and nowhere to put it. It would just take time.

Derek couldn’t offer him a position, but he contacted a friend, and they hooked him up with a second gig. It wasn’t as much as the other, but it would save our house for now. I barely saw him, as he worked two jobs to keep us afloat. I didn’t want to live like this and begged him to put the house up for sale.

He finally agreed, though we’d stay in the area in a rental.

Thankfully, the sale didn’t take as long as we expected, and after a few weeks on the market, our home sold. We didn’t make much on the sale, but we didn’t lose a bunch either. At least the weight of a foreclosure was gone, our credit was saved, and we found a rental just a few blocks away.

It felt like we were starting over again, and while he was gainfully employed, I started to question if Washington was where I wanted to stay permanently. He wasn’t tied into a lifelong career job, I knew these were temporary, but I had no idea where I wanted to be. The idea to move closer to my parents crept into my mind, but I didn’t know how to approach it.

The relationship between Austin and his mother cooled off, and neither spoke to the other for months. The kids asked about Grammy, but we just said she was busy for now. I didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t expect her to be back in their lives, so for now I bought time. They were little and didn’t require detailed explanations, just creative ones.

From what we heard, she was renting a studio close to Maggie. Austin wouldn’t discuss his mother or his past after that one night, and with that she became a piece of his past.

Chapter Seventeen

When they showed up to visit, I realized how much I missed my parents. Being in Washington, we didn’t see them as often as I’d like. They were only here for a few days, but it put the desire to go home again deep inside of me. I missed home, and I missed Heather. If we could find a place between where we used to live and where my folks are, it might feel like home.

Washington left me feeling isolated. I was surrounded by all of these people, but they weren’t my friends and family, and in a city full of strangers, I felt alone a good deal of the time. I barely saw Austin, he was working two jobs, and on coming home he’d collapse into bed. By dawn he was on the go again. This wasn’t the way I wanted to live. Going home, we could start over. Things were so expensive here; we could live on a lot less if we left the city.

I didn’t know if he’d go for it, but eventually I’d have to broach the topic. Looking back at the last few years, it seemed like we were always just treading water. We never really got ahead, and maybe if I stopped trying to get somewhere, and just accepted that’s all life really was I’d be happier. I guess I kept waiting for when the stress would end, the bills would stop, but the only way that would happen – well, I wasn’t ready to exit the world.

Again our personal life suffered, and our intimacy was non-existent. By the time Austin got home he was tired, and if he had a day off I needed a breather from the kids, and wasn’t feeling amorous. One of these days we’d get it right.

I had to cut expenses to make ends meet, and one of those places was with my birth control pills. I hated to give them up, but they were a monthly expense we couldn’t afford. I begged Austin to get a vasectomy, but he refused. When I asked him about getting my tubes tied, he begged me not to do it just yet. I was scared. I didn’t want to get pregnant again, and yet he held out hope. We couldn’t afford another child.

When my period was late, I cried.

Two weeks later it showed up, a huge sense of relief washed over me. Stress kept it away, and confirmed to me that I needed to put my birth control pills back in the budget. That scare was enough to make an impact.

My parents offered us a place to stay, if we’d move back. It would give us time to get on our feet, find jobs locally, and start over. I was ready to settle down once and for all. This back and forth, moving, it wasn’t for me. I knew where I wanted to be, back where I had a support system.

It was hard for Austin to accept help this way, since it was my parents this time, but it was the only way to give us a chance to save for a place of our own. We were paycheck to paycheck in Washington, and missing one would wipe us out. Starting over, having fewer bills would allow us to make change.