All That I Need (Secret Desires) (16 page)

Not saying a word, I rolled onto my back. Austin positioned himself between my legs. Lifting them onto his shoulders, his tongue did things to me that left me shuddering on the high of an orgasm. Gasping with pleasure, he drank my juices, and flicked at my clit. Buckling and grinding, my thighs tightened around him as the wave rose and then crashed, my body’s wetness flowing freely.

My breathing ragged, I finally let go and went limp like a rag doll. “Mmm, that felt so good,” I mewed.

“We’re not done,” he said, and then helped me roll back over. “Put your ass up, baby.”

I shifted up on my knees, and as he took me from behind, he held tight to my hips. I let my elbows rest on the mattress, and with my bottom perched up, Austin entered me. I love that first moment of penetration, the sensation of being filled, and as he entered me I gasped with pleasure. With each thrust, I felt him deeper and deeper. My head was spinning with lust, and as he grunted and came inside, I realized that I was no longer on birth control pills.

I wanted to say something, wanted to panic, but instead I let it go, and enjoyed the passion of the moment. Curling into my husband, I thanked him for the pleasure. Once the soft high of the orgasm passed, my panic set back in.

I knew better than to just let go. I’d been on birth control pills for a while and got used to not having to think about things. Being off of them, we’d have to plan ahead, and that wasn’t my strong suit. Right now, my biggest concern was pregnancy. I didn’t want to go there. I said a quick prayer and tried to push it from my mind for tonight.

I counted the days on the calendar, waiting and hoping, praying that my period would show up. We had sex again a few nights later, only this time I made him wear a condom. I was grateful we were connecting intimately again. We seemed to be so much stronger, in sync, when we were regularly sharing intercourse. It seemed like a silly thing, like it shouldn’t make a difference, but it did – it truly did.

I breathed easier when my period showed up. I was certain by this point that I didn’t want to get pregnant again. It was time to broach the topic, though I knew I’d have to be sensitive. I knew he was averse to the idea, so this time I told him I’d go through the process and get my tubes tied. He was crushed that I truly wanted this, but finally agreed. Knowing there was a chance we could reverse it if we changed our minds, he finally gave me the go ahead.

It was such a huge weight off my shoulders. I just knew that we’d been through so much as a family, and at this point, I wanted to focus on the four of us. I felt confident I was making the right decision.

“Can I tell you a secret,” Austin said to me the morning of the procedure. “I find pregnant women incredibly sexy. When you were carrying our children, I’d just watch you, and it always turned me on, even when I couldn’t get it up all the way.”

I grinned, “I was sexy, huh?”

“You’re always sexy. There’s just something about a pregnant woman. You know how they say she glows, sort of like inside, it’s true. And your body takes on this beautiful shape, all curvy and round, it’s really feminine. I loved how your breasts and stomach filled out, and then placing my hand on your belly and feeling Ryan or Bri kick, it was breathtaking.”

“That’s sweet. Yeah, it was a special time, but I think two is my limit.”

He nodded his head, “I know this is what you want. It’s just a shame I won’t get to see you pregnant again. I loved your womanly curves. You were soft and round and I know you get self-conscious about that, but some men love that. I did. I think it surprised me. You’re always beautiful to me, but pregnant, there was something special.”

I smiled, “It’s nice to hear this. You never told me this when I was carrying the kids.”

“You’re crazy; I told you all the time, but you’d just scoff and say how big and round you were. You didn’t get that it was precisely that soft roundness that appealed to me. I love you everyway you’ve been. You don’t ever have to question that. It’s you I’m in love with.”

I finished packing my small bag, “Are you almost ready? I need to head over soon.”

“Yep, just let me grab the diaper bag, and we’ll drop the kids off at your mom’s.”

After bringing Brianna and Ryan to my mom’s, we headed to the hospital. I wasn’t nervous about the procedure, since I was anxious to follow through before Austin changed his mind.

Watching out the window as we drove, I thought back to his words earlier about how he loved the shape of a pregnant woman. It was true, he did compliment me a lot, but I was always so unwilling to take a compliment, thinking he was just saying it to be nice. Hearing how much it appealed to him now made me feel warm inside. It was nice to hear it all this time later, it’s a shame I didn’t appreciate it at the time.

Parking the car, Austin grabbed my small bag and walked into the hospital with me. I thought back on how far he’d come with hospitals. They still weren’t his favorite place, but he didn’t fear them anymore. They didn’t bring on flash backs, or panic attacks, and he could actually walk in holding my hand. I felt his hands go clammy, so I knew it was still a journey for him, but he’d come so far.

Walking down the hallway hand in hand, we found the bank of elevators and waited for them to open. As the doors parted, there stood Emily, Austin’s ex-wife, fully pregnant.

Beside her was a tall man with dark hair. “Oh hey,” she simply said.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, not that it was my business.

“Ultrasound, you?”

It was some weird awkward politeness. Two people, who don’t want to talk, but make small talk to avoid the weirdness.

“Procedure,” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. Of all the people to run into, “Congratulations,” I said flatly, pointing to her protruding belly.

“Thanks,” she said, brushing by quickly, with her companion.

She was gorgeous, even fully pregnant. Austin didn’t say anything, and all I could think about was his earlier words, and our conversation this morning, about how he thinks pregnant women are sexy. Emily was already gorgeous, but now she was standing there in full bloom – as I was about to take away any chance of pregnancy in my own life.

It played with my head all the way, as the elevator rose to the fourth floor.

“Are you ready?” He asked, squeezing my hand.

“I don’t know,” I panicked. “Can I sit down over here for a minute?”

“What’s the matter? Are you’re having second thoughts.”

“Emily looked great,” I said sadly.

“Oh sweetie, don’t do this now.”

“You just finished telling me how hot you thought pregnant chicks are, and there she was – all full and round.”

“She’s the past, Kate. She means nothing to me. You’ve got me, right? We share children together, a life. Don’t let your insecurities play with you now. You’re about to go into surgery, you need to relax.”

“Maybe I should wait,” I hesitated.

Austin closed his eyes. “We’re never going to be rid of these jealousies and insecurities are we? Baby, you’re wearing me down, you need to give me a break from it, okay.”

His voice was soft but firm, and I realized that I thought I was the only one suffering from it all this time, and yet he was victimized as well. All the times I’d whine and worry, he was on the other end of it, constantly having to defend himself.

I nodded, “I’m sorry. I’ll try.” I didn’t know how, but I needed to get control. Why was I always so afraid he wanted somebody and not me? Why didn’t I think I deserved to be happy?

I wish I knew the answer, wish I understood the constant nagging feeling inside of me, telling me everybody else was better than I was. It was wearing me down too.

Standing up, “I’m ready.” Taking a deep breath, I started towards the double doors that led to the outpatient services. I’d be here until the late afternoon, and then Austin could take me home.

“Mrs. Sharpe,” I heard the woman call my name after we finished filling in our paperwork. Most of it had been done the week before with a pre-admission visit.

Austin leaned in and kissed me gently, “I’ll be here when you get out of surgery.”

He was always there. The truth was that I could count on Austin.

Chapter Nineteen

Waking up and seeing Austin by my side, I smiled. I didn’t feel too sore, but apparently there had been a complication.

“They couldn’t do it. You were under and your vitals didn’t check out. They had to stop the procedure before it started. You didn’t respond well to the anesthesia.”

“What?”

“They’re going to talk to you in a few minutes. They wanted to wait until you were full conscious again. They didn’t do it.”

“Oh thank goodness, I think I want to have another baby,” I sighed.

“What?” He was confused, and then it hit him. “This is about Emily, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know what it’s about,” I said frustrated, still out of it.

“We’ll talk later,” he said soothing me.  “Let’s just finish up here and head home for the day.”

I nodded, and waited for the doctor to come in and talk to me. I could reschedule for later, though he she was concerned how I responded under anesthesia.

I opted to hold off on rescheduling, telling her I’d call from home. There were concerns with my blood pressure dropping too low, and they didn’t feel comfortable working under those conditions. When I didn’t respond, they stopped the procedure.

Driving home from the hospital, we stopped to pick up the kids and tell my Mom and Dad what happened. My mom was certain it was a sign, and that I shouldn’t be doing it this young. My dad said there’d be another day if I really wanted the procedure. He didn’t have an opinion either way.

I spent a lot of time that day thinking about seeing Emily and my reaction to her. My automatic response was one of jealousy. I hated how I made that jump without any effort. Austin hadn’t seen her in ages, and made it perfectly clear he wanted nothing to do with her. He made no effort to see her, he didn’t trust her after she cheated on him, and they had no relationship. So why would my first response be one of jealousy? It bothered me that I couldn’t turn it off.

I traced back earlier relationships looking for clues, and while there was nothing obvious, I guess I’ve always had the fear or rejection, even when men were attracted to me. I was always waiting for the bad news, or thinking he’d find other women more attractive than me.

It’s not that I thought I was unattractive. Don’t get me wrong, there were days where I hated what I saw in the mirror, but that was usually related to PMS or hormones. Most of the time, I was happy with who I was. Why was I convinced the men in my life wouldn’t be happy with me?

This self-sabotage had to stop.

Seeing Emily today triggered me all over again. Austin had just told me how attractive he thought pregnant women were, and there she was all glowing and beautiful. He didn’t know we’d see her today, he didn’t plan it, but again like some weird pattern I played my own version of connect the dots, ending up at my own twisted conclusion.

Austin found me lost in thought. He didn’t even have to ask me what I was thinking about, he sensed it. “Baby, I can tell you how much I love you over and over, and you still won’t believe it. You need to fix something inside of you – my words alone won’t save you from yourself.”

I knew his words were true, as hard as they were to hear. As often as he told me he loved me, thought I was beautiful, I always had doubt. Was I pretty enough? Was I enough, just as I was? Was he content?

It was time to talk to somebody. It was taking over my life, and I was making no progress trying to fix it myself. I couldn’t pretend it would go away. It was consuming me.

I lowered my head, “I’m sorry. It’s me, I realize it.”

“I just want you to feel it when I tell you I love you. I want you to know it’s real, and not me trying to pull the wool over your eyes. It makes me sad that you can’t see it sometimes.”

“It makes me sad too. I feel broken.”

“It’s time to heal, baby.”

“Thanks for being patient with me,” I said, almost feeling embarrassed I couldn’t let go of something so small.

“You stood by my side when I needed it.”

“How could I not, I love you,” I said.

“Exactly, and I love you too.” It clicked. I expected him to believe my words, but I always doubted his.

On working with a therapist, we went back and looked at the past for answers. My fear of rejection was a normal fear, only I had an exaggerated reaction to it. I couldn’t believe somebody could love me so fully, because I had a lot of personal issues I didn’t love about myself. We’d have to tackle those, to finally get to the other. I kept expecting a break-up, so I was afraid to let myself be happy. I thought he’d always find fault in me, because I found fault in myself.

I almost expected him to be unfaithful, because I figured he’d be looking for a better version of me. I needed to believe he wanted this version – the one he chose. There were plenty of women out there, but it was me he wanted. I believed it early on, but after years of turmoil and stress, our intimacy breaking over and over, time apart, I started to turn it on myself. Rather than blaming the stress or situation, I blamed me. He didn’t want me, because he didn’t desire me. I made up my own truths, and started to believe them after a   while. I told myself those lies so many times, that they became my new truth.