All That I Need (Secret Desires) (17 page)

It seemed almost inconceivable, but here I was, sitting in the therapist’s office dissecting my life. I was living inside of my head, as much as in the real world, and the two were colliding. It was hard to differentiate what was real, and what I had told myself was real. I stated to believe the lies.

We started with positive reinforcements, and making lists of things I liked about myself. The lists then progressed to traits that my husband liked about me, and what I loved about us as a couple. Each week we’d sit and discuss what was real and what I’d made up – comparing the positive and negative. The more I let the light in, the less I looked in the dark places.

I couldn’t promise I’d never get insecure again, but at least I was looking at life with clear focus, rather than the clouded judgment I’d worn for the last few years. It had been weighing me down for so long, that I almost didn’t recognize myself anymore.

The doctor explained that between the pregnancies, hormones, and my depression, I probably rewired some of my thinking. And I went with what worked. I’d tell myself something to self-pacify, and latch on to those feelings, only to expand them. The depression exaggerated them. Rather than recognize those thoughts as unhealthy and slanted, I gripped onto them and started to buy more into those half-truths, and then flat out lies I told myself.

Understanding the root of what was going on, how things got skewed, and how to help unravel the tangled mess I made, I slowly started to feel better. It was hit and miss, take a step forward, and two steps back, but I became aware, and tried to turn negative thoughts into positive ones. Each step forward felt like leaps and bounds.

Now when Austin told me he loved me, I knew he did and believed it. I finally trusted his word for what it was worth, and realized I’d been twisting it all these years. That wasn’t fair to either of us.

Chapter Twenty

The last month of my third pregnancy was the roughest, but I was so excited I couldn’t stand it. Our daughter would be here soon, and with each passing day, I was getting more anxious. I never thought I wanted another child, but when I found out I was pregnant, it was immediate joy. I couldn’t explain it, but it felt like a gift. Everything had been going really well between Austin and me, and while it took us both by surprise, it was a welcome one.

Spooning in bed, Austin’s hand resting on my belly, his fingers lazily drew circles. There was something comforting about being against him, he felt like home.

“Do you remember that first night you came over? You called me, asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, and then came over instead?” I recalled, with a smile across my lips.

“How could I forget? I kept you up all night talking,” his voice was soft. “Eventually, we both fell asleep.”

“When I woke up against on, sitting on the sofa, I snuck away to brush my teeth and then tucked back into you,” I admitted laughing. “I freaked out worrying about morning breath, hoping you’d kiss me.”

“That was a nice morning,” he continued. “Oh wait, was that the time your ex called? Remember that night he came by?”

“Oh, don’t remind me! I was so embarrassed. Anyway, that entire night, I kept hoping you’d kiss me. I didn’t know if you liked me, or just needed a friend. I loved sitting there, listening to you talk. I didn’t want you to leave.”

He jumped in grinning, “And you asked me to kiss you in the kitchen.”

I smiled, reminiscing, “Yeah, that was one hell of a kiss.” I closed my eyes, remembering how he backed me to the wall and pulled my hands up over my head. When he leaned in to kiss me, I melted into him.

“And you asked me to do it again,” he added.

“Yeah, I was pretty much hooked in that instant,” I admitted. “What I didn’t tell you was that when you went to clean up, I called Heather freaking out that you’d just kissed me!”

Austin laughed, “I feel so cheap. I was girl talk.”

“I was so happy,” I sighed. “I still am you know, all these years later.”

“We’ve been through a lot over the years,” he started.

“I’d do it all over again,” I shifted and rolled onto my back slowly. It always amazed me seeing my belly stick out so far. Reaching down, I took Austin’s hand. “I’m really excited to meet our daughter.”

“Me too,” he whispered.

“We’ve come a long way, baby,” I said, turning my head to face my husband.

“We sure have,” he said squeezing my hand.

“Do you remember the picnic where we met?”

“You mean when you almost threw your hot dog at me?”

I started laughing, “I did not throw my hot dog at you, you startled me, I spun around and it almost made a run for it. I felt like a fool, and was desperate to get your attention. You were so cute.”

“Were?” He laughed. “Anyway, you see it one way, I see it another,” he teased. “You almost flung that thing at me, ketchup and all.”

“But you walked away to hang out with your friends. I was all drooling, hoping you’d come back and talk to me. Oh, and you were so hot playing volleyball, I couldn’t look away. You took of your shirt and I had to figure out how not to stare,” I giggled.

“Oh, I see how it is; I was just eye candy to you.”

We both laughed at that statement.

“Austin, are you happy? Did your life turn out the way you expected?”

“I’m happy, because it turned out how I didn’t expect. I couldn’t have planned or known we’d end up here all these years later. I’m happy because I’m here with you.”

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you too,” he answered.

THE END

Thank you for choosing an Ava Catori story. If you’d like to learn about Ava’s latest releases, be sure to bookmark AvaCatori.com or sign up to be notified by email by joining her mailing list. If you’d like to see how Kate and Austin’s story started, be sure to check out “More Than I Wanted”.

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