All That I Need (Secret Desires) (5 page)

Bending back down, I picked up a few of the magazines and went to sit on the bed. Is this what he’s relying on these days? My curiosity grew, and I went to the computer, scanning the history, looking for more clues. There was nothing showing in the last seven days, but he must have forgotten to erase logs from further back, because there in plain day was a massive list of links pointing to the same thing – porn.

I felt sick to my stomach. I mean, I would have looked at it with him if he asked, but it felt like some weird secret, Austin not telling me how much time he’d been spending looking at other women’s naked bodies. I clicked on a couple of the offending links, and saw libraries of sex movies, like some kind of club.

Splashed across the top of the screen, “See Amateur Couples Having Sex,” across another “Hot Girl Doing the Nasty”, and after clicking on “Kinky Couples on Camera” I’d had enough. I was crushed. He didn’t want to have sex with me, but between his magazines and the amount of porn he was looking at, he was obviously still interested in something – just not me.

Chapter Seven

My stomach was in knots. It wasn’t about sex, it was about me. It had to be. He obviously still had an interest in…anybody but me. Sobbing, I realized he didn’t want me that way anymore.

He had magazine after magazine displaying naked women in all shapes and sizes, yet here I was the real thing, and he chose those over me. And the online videos, he could be doing those things with me – but he chose to watch strangers over his wife. I became undesirable in his eyes, it broke my heart. I was crushed, feeling completely unwanted.

My mind jumped from conclusion to conclusion, like some wild spinning ride I couldn’t stop. My brain was dizzy playing it out in my head. All I could do was sit and watch as I spiraled into a pit of despair. How could he betray me this way? Why wasn’t I enough? Does he want somebody else? Is there somebody else? Can he perform with them and not me? Am I that horrible, that unappealing that he can’t get it up with me, but with these things…it was a circus in my brain, and as much as I wanted to stop it, I let my mind go there and it took on a life of its own.

After beating myself up relentlessly and drowning in the last of my tears, I got angry. Forget him, what the hell is his problem…it’s not like I don’t offer. I’ve been more than understanding, and as my anger rose up, I felt stronger. It pushed the sadness away, and drew up my courage and confidence. He’s lucky I’m still standing by his side, with everything he’s been going through, and this is how he thanks me? Again, the mental circus took over.

Ryan stirred, waking from his nap, pulling me back to reality. Heading to his room, I scooped him up into my arms and sat on the rocking chair in the corner. “Hi, sweet baby,” I cooed to my son. And instantly I was brought back to my purpose in life – being Ryan’s mother.

Cradling him close, I looked into his sweet eyes and smiled. After a few kisses on his tiny nose and chubby little cheeks, I stood to change him. Clutching him closer, I quietly sobbed, thinking about the state of my marriage. I’d do anything for Ryan, even stay in a loveless marriage, if that’s what it took. The thought made me sad, realizing our journey was shifting. Saying a quick prayer, I let it slip from my mind the best I was able and focused on my son.

When Austin came home later, I wanted to confront him, yell at him, and get out all of the feelings that swarmed through my body, but it would have to wait. I didn’t want to fight in front of my child – so I held it in. The tension inside of my body felt like an over tightened spring waiting to uncoil.

I bit my cheek, wanting to burst like an overfilled damn, but held back. Now wasn’t the time. When he walked through the door, the urge to pounce on him with all my thoughts and bottled up pain was overwhelming. I held back and diffused the mess the best I was able. I tried, really I did. I was going to wait, but as I put dinner on the table, I found myself slamming plates and bowls down.

“What’s with you?” Austin asked, noting my behavior.

I felt hostile on one end, and like shards of glass were slowly tearing my heart apart on the other. I didn’t know whether I wanted to yell or cry. Standing at the edge of the dinner table, I gripped the back of a chair. I can’t do this, I can’t hold it in – I want to, but it’s too much. I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t get this out.

“Do you still love me?” I finally squeaked out.

“Of course I do, what kind of question is that?”

The tears started faster than I was ready for, “I found…” sobbing, “I found your stuff.”

“My stuff? Kate, what are you talking about? What’s the matter?”

“Your porn,” I cried. “I found all your nasty porn, your magazines, the videos, all of it.”

“Kate, what are you talking about?” The look on his face showed confusion. “Wait, what?” Was it that he’d been caught, was it shame? I didn’t know, and I didn’t care. I was lost in my own whirlpool of pain and destruction.

“Your dirty magazines, I found them in your closet,” I yelled.

“Geez, Kate, they’re just magazines. What’s the big deal? All guys have them. It’s not worth getting upset over.”

“And what about the videos? Sure, you have plenty of time to look at everyone else naked and get off, but God forbid you look at your wife and have sex with her. What’s the matter - am I that undesirable that you want nothing to do with me anymore? You can get it up for girls on paper and on video, but not the real thing?”

He stood and excused himself, not saying anything.

“Don’t you walk away from me,” I demanded. “Answer me! Am I that undesirable that you don’t want me anymore?”

Austin spun around, the look on his face was a mixture of hurt and anger. I wasn’t sure what words would be coming out of his mouth.

“You don’t want to do this, let it go,” he snapped and walked away.

“Oh, I damn sure want to do it,” I turned and picked up Ryan, balancing him on my hip. “We’re not finished here.”

“I’m not doing this in front of my son,” he said. “Go eat your fucking dinner.”

I was stunned, my jaw dropping. I stood and stared at my husband, unsure what I had left to say.

The heaviness sitting on my chest filled me with a slow fading gray. Silent, hot tears streamed down my face. Turning around, I went back to the dining room table and sat with my son. He was oblivious, and was simply ready to eat – so I fed him.

Austin didn’t rejoin us, he waited for us to finish. I left his plate on the table as I cleaned up the rest of our stuff. I felt empty, a crushing blow to my ego, because more than anything I just wanted him to respond, react, say something, but he sat silent, ignoring me.

I wanted an answer, deserved an answer, but was terrified of what that answer might be. Did he still want me, or had our moment passed?

I sat with Ryan, playing, and then got up to give him a bath. As I finished, Austin showed up at the door. “I’ll tuck him in,” he said quietly.

I handed him to Austin and walked away. He was immediately warm and sweet talking to his son – it stung, knowing the wrath I’d face later. Why didn’t he have those soft, genuine feelings with me anymore? What had I done to turn him away? I understood when things changed, I tried, really I did, but was I that bad?

How had our marriage crumbled this much? We used to be so in love, and now he’ll barely look at me. Instead he relies on pictures of naked girls and porn. How can I compete with that? I don’t look like those girls, all air-brushed and gorgeous. I’m simply me, but I guess that’s not enough anymore. Is this what marriage is going to be? I’m not so sure I can do this – not knowing my husband doesn’t want me. I don’t think I can handle that truth.

He joined me downstairs after spending a few moments tucking in Ryan. Austin was a loving father, I was grateful for that. That fear earlier was unfounded. If there was one thing I was sure of, it’s that Austin was going to be there for Ryan, and loved him with his heart and soul. He couldn’t hide his adoration, the way he looked at his son with pride showed his truth.

“What’s wrong with me?” I asked quietly, looking over at my husband. I didn’t even know where to start this conversation. I was still see-sawing between sheer sadness and anger. I don’t even know if it was anger as much as it was panic – a fear that I’d lose him.

“This isn’t about you,” he started. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Then why do you choose magazines and videos? You barely touch me.” My heart was heavy.

“You know I’m not good at these types of conversations. Can’t you just trust me?”

I shook my head, “No, apparently I can’t. I need to know, why won’t you have sex with me anymore?”

“There’s so much pressure,” he looked down, not wanting to make eye contact. “With magazines, videos, there’s no pressure to perform. I can just get lost in the fantasy. I know you don’t understand this, but it’s not about you. I need release, and…I haven’t been able to satisfy you. There’s nothing worse, knowing that I can’t perform for my wife. How do you think that makes me feel? At least this way, I can still release some tension.”

“It’s the other women,” I sobbed, “they’re prettier. You want sex with them.” I couldn’t stop crying. “See, you’re fantasizing,” I could barely get the words out.

“I want sex with you, but anytime we start to go there, nothing happens, and I don’t want you to see me that way.” The look on his face was a mixture of pain and embarrassment, and yet his voice spoke of anger.

“So instead, you turn away, and let me feel unwanted and unloved? Do you love me?” I couldn’t stop this train I was on. I felt overwhelmed with grief, and thinking I was a piece of the problem. Maybe if I was pretty, sexier, maybe then he’d be able to get hard.

“I do love you,” he snapped. “How can you even question that?”

The pain was too much to handle. “Because you won’t touch me, like I have some weird disease, you stay as far away from me as possible.” My voice came down a notch, and I whispered, “You won’t touch me.” It was on the table, no denying those words, and he knew they were true.

“I want to, I so desperately want to, but I can’t. Do you know what it’s like to be a guy, and to have your masculinity stripped away? It’s killing me inside.”

“Well, you can obviously get it up for your paper dolls and your video vixens, just not for me.” That was uncalled for, I knew it was, but it was too late, I crossed the line. I was hurt, angry, confused, and lost. I wanted him to want me, to touch me, to make love to me – and yet instead he was getting off to his magazines and videos. I didn’t know how to process that information.

I got up and walked away. I couldn’t handle this anymore. It hurt too badly to keep staring at the obvious. He was having sex, masturbating, but when it came to his wife, he was hands off.

“Kate, wait,” he called out.

Turning to look at him, I didn’t know what to say. “Why, so you can lie to me, and tell me how much you want me?”

“That’s not fair,” he answered.

“What’s not fair is that I keep hoping you’ll want to make love to me, and then I find out you’re still having sex, just not with me.”

“It’s not like I’m cheating on you, I’m not out having an affair. I’m faithful, and you act like I’m doing something wrong. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating. Don’t tell me you don’t do it.”

“Of course I do, it’s not like my husband touches me anymore,” I screamed. My anger was hot, my nostrils flared.

Austin stared at me. The silence was deafening. It happened so fast, and as he pressed me to the wall, pushing his body against mine, I closed my eyes and accepted his advances. 

His kiss was strong and passionate; it had been so long since he’d kissed me this way. I wanted to push him away in my angst, but I didn’t. I couldn’t, it felt so good to feel him against me. His lips on mine, our tongues explored one another again. Austin’s hands gripped me tightly, pulling me into him. Groping my back, and sliding down to my bottom, his hands squeezed me as we continued to kiss.

His kiss, his sweet kisses, how I missed these moments of passion. Even out of anger, I was hungry for more. We let too much time slip by, had too many excuses, and didn’t try. I knew he was having problems, but we could have tried more – still engaged in other sexual activities, but instead we both shut down accepting defeat. Why hadn’t I pushed harder?

It all happened so fast, and as his hands came around tugging at my pants, I dropped them in the hallway and let his fingers satisfy me in ways I’d forgotten about. There was urgency, and pressed to the wall in the hallway, Austin took me roughly, but passionately. As I came on his hand, he ripped his own jeans off, and something I hadn’t seen in ages pressed into me. His raging hard on was full of fire and needed release.

Awkwardly we shifted and moved, and as he entered me for the first time in what felt like forever, I cried. Pumping up, thrusting, pushing deep, I cried into his shoulder as he found his peak. As the orgasm ripped through him, I felt the sticky sweetness between my legs. We had so much pent up aggression, and standing there in the hallway between our orgasms and my tears, we let it all go, accepting the moment of loving.

We stood panting, and then stopped to look at one another. In the oddest moment we burst out laughing, realizing that we’d just had sex, something we hadn’t had in ages. His body cooperated, our lust was unleashed, and in an exhilarating moment we found our connection. It was real, and the feelings bouncing between us were as well.