All That I Need (Secret Desires) (3 page)

It wasn’t until his paranoia started to grow, that I knew I had to reach him. He’d stand at the window, looking through the slats of the blind, waiting for something to happen, anything.

The words slipped out when I least expected it. He was pacing in front of the window, worried about a service truck that had pulled up. A line man was working on a pole, but Austin watched him closely, then paced, and went back to watching him.

“You can’t do this,” I started. “You need to get out of the house, get a job, and get our lives back. I can’t do this, I have enough other stuff to worry about, but this….this…this paranoia has to stop.”

He spun around to look at me, “Do you know who that is?” He was unfazed by my comments. He was glancing out the window again.

“Austin, I’m pregnant. You’re going to be a father. That scares me at this point.”

He stared at me. “What?”

“I’m pregnant.” I didn’t know how else to phrase it, to break the news more gently. It wasn’t going to change, and I needed him to be present and accounted for. I took a deep breath, watching his reaction.

Backing away from the window, he sat down in his chair and stared at the floor. I didn’t know what to do, and he didn’t know what to say. He looked at me, and then back at the floor. “I’m not ready for this.”

“You don’t have a choice. We’re having a baby.”

“How can you be sure?”

Exhaling, I steadied myself. It took everything to watch my tone, as sarcasm wanted to leak out.
How can I be sure? Come on, I’m freaking pregnant – don’t make me go through this alone, I pleaded in my head
.

“I took a test, and then went to the doctor,” I finally answered, when I was sure I could do it without over reacting

“You took a test and didn’t tell me?”

“How could I? You were barely getting out of bed, and lately you…you haven’t been yourself.”

“A baby?” He looked at me, blinking, and then staring at the floor again.

“A baby,” I answered flatly. I wanted this to be joyful, not painful.

He didn’t get up, and he didn’t hug me, he simply sat. Looking up at me, I didn’t see joy in his eyes, simply fear. I walked away so I wouldn’t cry. Standing in the kitchen, I leaned against the counter, letting my fingers grip the edge. The tears started, but at least he couldn’t see them.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It’s going to be okay, I soothed, it’s going to be okay. I felt his presence in the kitchen, but I didn’t want to turn around – not yet.

Walking closer, he wrapped his arms around me from behind. I missed this, missed him comforting me, feeling like a couple. “You’re going to be a great mother.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. “Can you please get some help,” I knew I was pushing him. “You have a child coming.”

I turned to face him, almost afraid to look in his eyes.

He nodded quietly. “I’ll try, but you need to give me time to adjust to the idea.”

For the first time in a long time, I felt relief wash over me. There was still time, time for him to work on healing, time for him to accept the news, but through it all, I never saw his excitement. His eyes were dull, there was no joy.

Time was passing, and while he still hadn’t talked to anyone, he did make an effort to find work. He decided to give school another go, only this time he chose a shorter course, and decided he’d be a locksmith. He could take classes and then apprentice for a bit if needed. It was a different career choice than he originally had planned, but for once he was excited about a new start, so I stood behind him – only he kept putting it off, never actually starting the process.

My body was changing, adapting to its current state, and as my hips and breasts swelled, my belly took on a new shape. I was bursting through my regular clothing, and desperate to get some maternity pants with an elastic band. I’m surprised I made it this far!

Now that Austin knew, I finally felt free to share the news with Heather. I’ll be honest, I have no idea how he didn’t notice my body changing, but he was in his own world lately.

I hated that I hadn’t shared the news with Heather yet, but I simply avoided her in person until I could say something. She’d certainly notice the changes in my body, so I kept finding reasons to call instead of seeing her in person.

Telling her was a relief, because I finally unloaded my mixed feelings. I told her everything, not only that I was pregnant, but that I was worried how Austin would handle it. She had no idea so much had changed, and suggested I talk to Scott about what was going on.

I was torn, not wanting Austin to feel betrayed, but I knew that Austin desperately needed help. Maybe hearing it from Scott, he’d listen. I made Heather promise she wouldn’t say anything until I had more time to think about it. She hesitated, but finally said she’d keep quiet.

When I finally went to Scott for help, it tore me up inside. I didn’t know if Austin would forgive me for outing him this way, and telling somebody how much his mental state had changed, or if he’d understand I was worried about him. I was about to find out.

I arranged for Scott to come here, since I knew Austin wouldn’t go there. He’d shut out most people, and had little interest in talking. When Scott showed up, I answered the door and went out for a while, leaving them to talk. I was almost afraid to come home after enough time. Austin would know I opened my mouth and told his friend what he’s been going through.

Walking through the door, I was met with a glare. “Why would you do that to me? I felt like an asshole.”

“Austin, please. I’m worried about you. I don’t know what else to do, or who to turn to.”

“I said I would talk to someone, why wasn’t that enough? Now I look like less of a man to a good friend. Do you know how that felt? That he thinks I can’t handle things?”

“I didn’t think of it that way. He’s your friend…” I trailed off.

“Men don’t talk like women do, not about personal crap. Not only did you embarrass me, but you went behind my back.”

“Austin,” I started, but knew it would be pointless. He didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I took a deep breath and said it anyway. “You have a child coming. You need to get your shit together. I love you, but you’re about to be a father, and you’re not ready.”

“I need to get my shit together?” He smirked, but was angry, “You’re a peach. I’ve got all this crap in my brain, as I sit here trying to sanitize my mind from all the garbage I’ve seen and gone through, but I should just “get my shit together”. If I could, I would.” He ended yelling.

“No you won’t, because you’re afraid you won’t feel like a man,” I yelled back. “Get some help, you need it. Stop trying to fix it yourself.”

“Do you know what it’s like to be trained to take another person’s life, and then when they’re before you surrendering, you do it anyway, because it’s kill or be killed? Do you?” His face was red, and his tone went louder.

“You’re scaring me, baby. I just don’t recognize you anymore,” I said, lowering my voice. “You weren’t like this before, and it’s like somebody flipped a switch.”

He looked at me and said nothing.

“Baby,” I whispered. “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere, but I need you to get help. You’re going to be a father, and I need my husband back.”

Austin put his head in his hands and sobbed openly. I didn’t know what to do, so I did the only thing I knew how…I knelt before him, and wrapped my arms around him. “It’s going to be okay,” I soothed.

“Is it?” He asked between sobs.

“It is.”

When he finally called for an appointment to speak with someone, I felt weight fall off my shoulders. He needed this, we needed this, and I hoped it would make a difference in our lives. I knew it wouldn’t come easy, and things wouldn’t change overnight, but the demons that were living inside of Austin needed a way out.

He was torturing himself with self-loathing, and it had all caught up with him. I wish I could say that are marriage was all smooth sailing, but it was way bumpier than I ever imagined. This seemed to come out of nowhere, and threw me for a loop.

I stuck with him through it all, and knew I didn’t want to end things. I just wanted him to heal. I loved him so much, and with a child on the way, getting help was the healthy thing to do. How could he care for his child if he couldn’t care for himself?

One of our giant hurdles was being tackled, but we had another issue that was making itself known – money. We’d have to face it eventually, but right now I took it as a small victory that Austin agreed to talk to somebody.

Between his irritability, paranoia, and his withdrawing more and more, the depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was becoming all consuming. I knew that if he could find a way to release some of it, talk to somebody, he might start to heal. Hopefully he’d get some relief. I knew it would take a while, but it was a good first step.

It was like he was torn between guilt and frustration. You could almost see him struggling, but so much of it played out in his mind. With counseling, he’d learn ways to cope, and I knew there was medication that could help too. I’d been doing so much research lately, my head was spinning. Now that he’d finally agreed to seek treatment, I felt like we might finally move forward. We’d been in a stagnant pattern, and it was suffocating our relationship.

We hadn’t been intimate lately, and I tried not to take it personal, because I saw him struggling. It was hard though, and I often found myself wondering if it was me. I finally called my mom and cried on her shoulder. I needed to get it out, I’d been holding in so much.

“This is more than I wanted. I didn’t bargain for this,” I cried into the phone. “It’s not fair! I sent him away as one person, and he came home another. He was fine for a while, but it just keeps getting worse. I thought time would help, but it’s not improving – not fast enough.”

“He’s talking to somebody finally, getting help, that’s something, right?”

“I guess,” I said rubbing my swollen belly. “The baby is coming soon, and I’m worried. I’m not sure how we’re going to get through this. I need him to be present, and he’s despondent, detached a lot of the time, and the nightmares…” I trailed off.

“Kate, give him time. He went through a lot over there, but he’s home now. He needs to heal. The fact that he agreed to get help says a lot. He wants to get better.”

“He’s going to be a father, and I just don’t know if he can handle that right now.”

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder isn’t going to be fixed overnight,” she gently reminded. “Give him the time that he needs, it will get better. He loves you so much, Katie.”

“I know, Mom, I’m just scared. What if he doesn’t get better?”

It wasn’t my proudest moment, but it felt good to let go of all the feelings I’d been harnessing. I knew it would be all right, it had to be, right?

Chapter Five

I was so proud of Austin when he finally embraced counseling. He was afraid it made him weak, but put his pride aside for the chance to heal. He would be a father soon, and wanted his life back. There were medications that helped in some aspects, but there were also side effects, and if he wanted to be romantic, let’s just say the medication made things “challenging” at times.

I took it for what it is, and gladly gave up intimate moments that included intercourse to see him reaching out for help.

Austin was learning coping skills, and realized the tighter he held onto thoughts, the worse it was for him. For him to let them go, he had to release them. He grounded himself with a token in his pocket, and we kept social interactions to a minimum until he was comfortable.

There was a lot of give and take, trying to understand what he was going through. His mind was fractured in little pieces, and he was trying to rebuild it. We learned that some soldiers don’t experience PTSD for months or years, but an incident may set them off. In his case, losing his dear friend seemed to trigger him.

As my body continued to change and it got closer to my due date, I felt more hopeful. Austin’s quality of life was improving, and he was discovering that even in tough times I’d stay by his side. He grew to fully trust me again, and while he felt badly that he’d mistrusted me for a while, it was explained as being common for bonds to be tested in circumstances of PTSD. In his head, everyone had the potential to hurt him, and his mind became a closely guarded fortress.

It would be a slow journey. I wish I could tell you it only took a couple of weeks, but I’d be lying. He gains a little bit of himself back each month, and I feel hopeful that if he stays the course he’ll get past this.

It was a rainy evening, and I’d been feeling unsettled. I finally fell asleep after tossing and turning for hours, not long after my water broke.

Rolling over, “Austin, I think it’s time.” With that a contraction gripped me. “Oh yeah, it’s time.”

He was groggy, but aware. “Okay, let’s go.” He sat up slowly, and got his bearings about him. 

I waddled to the bathroom to quickly clean up as Austin grabbed my overnight bag. We made our way to the hospital. Hospitals…he didn’t like hospitals. I didn’t know if he’d go in. He avoided most of my doctor visits during the pregnancy, and now was the moment of truth. A piece of me wished I was brave enough to have a home birth, but I was desperate for a nerve block to ease any pain.