All That I Need (Secret Desires) (6 page)

Reaching for his pants, he pulled them up, as I readjusted myself. We said nothing, and then went and collapsed on the sofa next to each other. Leaning into him, his arms wrapping around me, I felt whole for the first time in ages.

“I may need to do that again,” I smiled. There was a joy in me I hadn’t felt in ages.

“I want to do that again, if I can,” he warned. “I want you Kate, more than you know, but it’s been difficult. It’s emotional and embarrassing to not be able to get hard – it makes you feel like less of a man.” His voice was soft, coaxing me to understand things from his side of things.

“I understand,” I started, compassion welling up in me.

“You don’t, you can’t, because you’re not a man. I’m not saying that to be harsh, but it’s tied to who I am, part of being a man. Please just know that you’re the only one I want – but I need to be able to satisfy you. That’s important to me.”

I nuzzled into my husband, uncertain if we’d be able to have sex again, but knowing that he truly still loved me. Desire wasn’t the issue – medication side effects were, and if I could keep that nugget of truth in my brain, we might be okay. I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t turn it back in on myself, and feel that it was me, but I was going to try, that’s for damn sure.

Climbing the stairs together, there was anticipation, wondering if we’d be able to pull it off again. I wanted him, needed him, but I’d have to take this at Austin’s pace. His body would have it no other way.

Undressing, I got into bed and watched my husband as he finished up in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. “Austin,” I started.

“Yeah?”

“I love you, babe.”

“I love you too.”

A small smile escaped my lips, as I saw him walking over. He was semi-erect, with a promise of more. It was going to be a good night indeed. I was more than ready to share another moment of loving with my husband, it was long overdue.

As he took me in his arms, I knew everything would be okay.

Chapter Eight

Austin’s hands were warm and tender, offering a loving touch I hadn’t felt in too long. His kisses were sweet, and each caress told me all that I needed to know. Everything that had been harnessed was about to be unleashed.

It didn’t take long for my body to respond to his touches as a rush ran through me, sending tingling sensations everywhere. What happened earlier boosted his confidence, and this time he was willing to slow down and make love to me, something I missed desperately.

Lying on his side, Austin traced the outline of my lips with his finger, and smiled at me. “You’re such a beautiful woman,” he whispered. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

I loved when he touched me. I felt connected to him the most during these intimate encounters. I’d missed him so much, and to have him beside me, holding me, wanting me, it was magic.

Leaning in, he kissed me again.  His breath was minty from the toothpaste, and I lovingly returned his affection. There was love laced in that kiss, something that spoke deeply to me. His want, his need to tell me how much he cared was all coming through. My heart warmed, and I melted into him, letting him wash away my fears.

Lifting his hand, he brushed my hair from my face, and kissed me again, slowly moving from my lips, down along the curve of my jawline and onto my neck.

He found a secret sensual spot, and layered more soft kisses on my neck, before slowly sucking my skin between his lips, nuzzling and nibbling. I knew there’d be a mark, like I’d worn as a badge of pride as a teenager in the past, but it felt so good, and I didn’t ask him to stop. Suckling at my neck, milking it gently with his mouth, I sighed feeling my husband on me.

I closed my eyes and let my head roll back, giving him easier access, aching for more. It felt so good, and my body responded in kind, filling me with need, leaving me damp between my legs. Everything inside of me trembled, aching for more.

Shifting, Austin’s mouth moved lower, focusing on my breasts. Hips lips played with a hardened nipple, as he slowly took it into his mouth, teasing and tempting me with promises of more to come. A small moan seeped out, feeling him on me, his fingers, his mouth, making me feel so good.

My breast surged with electricity, my nipple pinched hard in the arousal. Arching my back, I pressed it tightly to his mouth. My fingers pulled his head closer, and sensing my reaction Austin suckled me harder.

Getting lost in the moment, my hips started to rotate and grind, taking on a life of their own. My body was calling out to my lover, telling him I wanted to feel him inside of me.

“Not yet, pussycat,” he whispered, as I told him what I wanted. “We’re going to take our time. It’s been a long time coming,” he finished.

Not that I have a problem with a lot of foreplay, don’t get me wrong, but I was so ready, I was about to come out of my skin!

Austin moved lower, leaving butterfly kisses across my belly, lower and lower. As he neared my naughty bits, he moved, shifting my legs, and climbed between them. The colors of the rainbow look dull compared to the orgasm that ripped through me, as he buried his face, taking me to the point of no return.

Climbing above me, Austin guided himself to my wet opening, and pushed inside of me. A loud groan escaped us both as he filled me, the warm comfort of my body welcoming him. Slowly, he moved in and out of me, and reaching up, I wrapped my hands around his neck and pulled him closer. I needed to taste his sweet lips, I needed to kiss him, and tell him how much I loved him.

We clasped onto one another, holding on tightly, almost afraid to let go. As our mouths met, I had no doubt that what was happening between us right now would push us to the next level of our relationship. It was magic, pure magic, and as he came inside of me, his hips still moving, I wrapped my thighs tightly around him, forbidding his release. I needed him to stay as long as possible, soften inside of me, and only then I’d let go. I was afraid if he pulled out, he’d never do it again. I knew he would, and knew this moment would happen again – but for right now, everything was right in the world.

Tears of joy slid down my face. I hadn’t felt so relieved in a long time, and with everything inside of me, I said a prayer of thanks, grateful that my marriage was going to be okay. I honestly didn’t know at one point, but I knew now. We’d get through this, and we’d get through anything else we encountered – as long as we did it together.

I didn’t know what Austin was thinking, but he was smiling and naked beside me. That was enough.

“That was amazing,” I said softly, looking at my husband, my beautiful husband. I never once lost my desire for him, and only worried he’d lost it for me. It was obvious now, it was there all along. There were simply clouds in his way. I hoped the clouds would stay gone, I didn’t think I could handle those gray days anymore. I missed this, missed us. Having him back, even just for a little bit, was like breathing life back into our relationship.

The way we looked at each other, talked to each other after that night, we had renewed intimacy, and that reflected through everything we did. It was like a weight had been lifted. What was once a dark corner of our marriage, light filtered through, lifting the depression. We felt like a true couple again. We weren’t pretending, just going through the motions, we were truly healing.

Austin had issues time to time, but the more we were together, the less prevalent it seemed. It seemed to restore his confidence. Once he let go of that fear – knowing I’d be okay if he couldn’t get fully hard, as long as he showed me he cared and desired me, it seemed like less and less of an issue. Without communication, we’d shut down, but the more we discussed it, the easier it became. With his confidence coming back, and our love life improving, we felt stronger than ever.

The one thing he was still having a problem with, was his concern that he’d never feel normal again. While we’d tackled this issue and beat it, he held onto the fact that he might never be completely stable. He’d learned coping mechanisms, he had medication that helped with the anxiety, but through it all, there were still days he felt broken.

Ryan was his saving grace, and his purpose for pushing forward. Watching him with our son, I knew he’d be okay. I just wished he could see what I saw. All he knew was that some days were still a struggle, and they grew old and tiresome. There were less bad days, and more good days, but we had new challenges to overcome. When his father grew ill, everything changed.

Chapter Nine

The call came unexpectedly; it was bad news. Austin went straight to the hospital. It was his least favorite place to be, but he knew he didn’t have much time. His father was rushed by ambulance after what appeared to be a heart attack. On further testing, he’d not only had a heart attack, but on falling cracked ribs and punctured a lung which was making breathing difficult. It was all too much on his body, and organ after organ was shutting down.

With a firm do not resuscitate order – there was no life support. There were no second chances, and slowly a life faded from existence.

When Austin brought his mother home, I saw the fearless woman crumble like a tower of blocks. She was the shell of the strength I’d seen before. Her pale, slender form showed her internal panic. Her husband was gone. Her skin was almost transparent, and her veins had never been as obvious. The highway of blue lines snaked across her face, neck and hands. She looked at me with dull, dead eyes, and no expression.

I pulled out a blanket and sheets and made up the sofa, so she’d have a place to rest. Austin sat with her in silence all night. I told them both how sorry I was, and then left them to grieve together. One of us needed sleep. We had long days ahead of us.

When I woke with Ryan, I crept down the stairs. His mother stared at me with tear stained cheeks, her eyes bloodshot from spending the night crying. She had nothing to say.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” I whispered, not wanting to wake Austin who was now passed out on a chair nearby.

She didn’t say anything, simply nodded. My heart broke for the woman, she couldn’t hide the agony she was in, and sat stunned, staring ahead.

Heading to the kitchen, I juggled Ryan on my hip, to start the coffee. I didn’t think caffeine was the right choice, so I pulled the instant decaf out of the cabinet. It was something, but at some point, Austin’s mom would need to sleep. On second thought…I put the coffee back and pulled out the tea bags. I brought it out as an offering, “Mrs. Sharpe,” I said quietly. She’d never asked me to call her Mom, or even by her first name. Even marrying into the family, I was an outsider in her eyes. The only good thing I’d done is given her a grandson.

“Can I hold him?” She asked, and set the tea on the table beside her.

“Sure,” I said, praying she had the strength to hold onto a wiggling infant. Thankfully, he was content to snuggle.

“How’s my precious boy?” She asked, kissing his forehead. She had a heart; I’d just rarely seen it.

“Does Maggie know?” I asked hesitantly. Ryan’s sister had her own life that rarely seemed to overlap with theirs these days.

“Yes, she’ll be here in time for the service,” she said, not offering up more.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No,” she paused, “thank you.”

I almost passed out. She’d never once thanked me before, but I hated it was under these circumstances.

Austin stirred and then found a new position. It was going to be a long day.

**

After the service, life was supposed to go on as normal, only it didn’t. Austin spiraled back into a depression, understandably so, and his mother decided to stay on a bit longer. Only in her need to stay busy and distracted, she started taking over more and more of our household. I didn’t want to step on her toes, after what she’d been through, but her usual crass ways were seeping out, and it got more difficult to hold my tongue.

I didn’t feed my family proper nutrition, and I dressed like a slob, and the housework was lacking, but with her here now she’d handle things as they should be. I tried, really I did – but now she was in my home, trying to run our lives, and while she’d just dealt with the traumatic loss of her husband, I was in the process of losing the sanctuary of my home.

Austin didn’t want to be in the middle of it, and didn’t say anything. As far as he was concerned, with his mother helping around the house and with Ryan, it took pressure off of me.  Only he didn’t see me drowning; my own depression sneaking up on me. With my mother-in-law here more times than not, I didn’t know where my happiness lived anymore.

She took a leave of absence at work and was considering retiring – to move in with us. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. There was no way she was living here – no way in hell.

Her plan was to sell the house, and use it to fund her retirement, but that meant staying with us permanently. Austin was beside himself, wanting to be there for his mother, but knowing it would jeopardize our marriage. There wasn’t going to be an easy answer here, and he knew it.

The fights that grew out of our new circumstance put a wedge firmly in place. I was asking Austin to choose, and all he could see was his once strong mother, wilting like a picked flower. He was convinced I was able to handle this, and with a few ground rules in place, and the understanding that it was my home and respect would need to be mutual, we made the unfortunate decision to let her move in with us. I was tortured that he’d made his choice, and at this point, unless I was moving out – she was moving in.