All That I Need (Secret Desires) (15 page)

After many heated discussions, along with ones where our egos had to stay out of the room, we concluded it was the best choice for our family, and went to stay with my folks for a few months. Our goal was to be out in less than six months, enough time to find jobs, earn some money, and put a few dollars in savings. I couldn’t thank them enough for the opportunity. It would be tight quarters, but it was a sacrifice we had to make.

Picking up our lives one again, we headed back home. We turned a large finished basement into our living space, and used screens to make two rooms, one for our bedroom and another for the children. Being in the smaller space left us little to no privacy and our sex life suffered once again. We seemed to go in cycles, and at least for the first time in ages, I started to understand it was just the way life was.

So many times, I turned it around on myself. I wasn’t pretty enough, he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, or I’d gained weight. When in reality we’d gone through this same exact thing in the past. There were times things were wonderful and we were connected, and times when we fell out of sync, stress and life taking over. One thing was a constant, our love for one another. We stood side by side, together as one, and I knew we’d weather this rough time as well.

When Austin found a job, I felt a huge weight drop off my shoulders. I loved my parents, but didn’t want to be a burden to them either. I knew it was just a matter of time. I was able to pick up a part-time job, while my mom offered to watch the kids for the time being.

School and daycare would be a part of our life soon enough. It’s just the way it had to be right now to make ends meet. We needed two incomes to survive, and at least with my part-time job, we’d balance the cost of daycare with work, and still come out a little bit ahead. We’d juggle somehow and figure out how to make it work, we always did.

I remember being a little girl, and thinking about being swept off my feet, meeting my Prince Charming, and then living my happily ever after. Well, I met my Prince Charming, but nobody ever told me it would be such a bumpy ride – that there’d be hurdles to climb over, and stress to deal with. I guess those stories aren’t as appealing.

As our lives came back together, and we were able to put money aside, we were finally nearing the point of renting a place of our own again. We found a townhome with a nice yard, big enough for a swing set, and if everything went through – we’d be in within a month’s time. I was more than ready, and craving some privacy.

I was desperate to close a door and be intimate with my husband. With my children so close in the temporary living spaces, our sex life was non-existent, and more often than not, the kids would pile onto the bed with us, snuggling in. I had no idea how I was going to break that habit when we moved to the new place, but I was anxious for grown-up time.

Ryan went running through the new place when we finally got the keys. Heather and Scott were helping us move, along with a few other friends. I was so happy to see Heather again, and knew coming home was the right choice for me. I missed the friendship we once shared, and hoped now that I was back, we’d talk more.

We stayed close through phone calls, but it wasn’t the same. We hadn’t gone out together in ages, and seeing her reminded me how much those simple connections are. Friendship is something we often take for granted, but I wasn’t doing it anymore. I must have hugged Heather a million times that day, and knowing we’d be hanging out again, I felt better.

She said she missed me too, but she stayed active. She got involved in Mommy groups, and had a support system. That was something I didn’t pursue in Washington, and instead isolated myself. I was miserable, and realized it was because I never made the effort. I gave in too easy, and gave up on myself. Well, no more.

The last of the things were loaded into our home, and as we sat having a few beers, talking with our friends, everything felt right. Austin seemed at ease too.

When the kids finally went to sleep, we christened our new home, and with a few extra beers in me, I was feeling especially randy.

“Come here,” I smiled at my husband. “We have some lost time to make up for.” I was happy and relaxed.

Austin wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. “Welcome home, angel.”

“Welcome home,” I said, pressing my mouth to his. Slowly parting my lips, I pushed my tongue to meet his, and together our heated desires grew. What had been caged up for months was finally unleashed, our kisses growing more impassioned.

Our bodies were ready, and just as the moment was upon us, the first layer of clothing being shed, I heard Brianna cry. A deep sigh, “I’ll get her. I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.” Pulling my shirt back on, I went to get my daughter.

“Austin, she’s burning up, check the cabinet to see if we have anything for a fever,” I called out. Brianna’s face was bright red, and her cheeks flushed hot. It came on rapidly, because she was fine just a bit ago.

Her little face and hairline was sweaty. “Can you grab the thermometer?” I called out.

After checking our daughter’s temperature and giving her a dose of medication, I sat down cuddling her, letting her fall asleep against me. I pressed a cool, damp cloth to her skin, helping her cool down. Once she was settled, and her fever seemed to be under control, I gently put her to bed, making a mental note to come back and check again in a bit.

Closing the door to her room, I headed downstairs. Austin turned to look at me, “How’s she doing?”

“She seems okay, I’m not sure what brought it on,” I said, sitting down beside him. I half smiled, “So much for our hot night of passion, huh, cowboy.”

“There’ll be other nights,” he answered.

“Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever get back to how things used to be,” I admitted cautiously.

“Eventually,” he soothed. “Life’s thrown us a few curve balls lately. I didn’t picture this when I asked you to marry me. I thought things would be easier, simpler.”

“I guess when you’re two adults only worrying about yourself, it is easier. Once there are kids, family, suddenly you don’t come first anymore.”

“If it’s any consolation, I wouldn’t have wanted to do this with anyone else.”

“Austin, are you happy?”

“Of course I am - why do you ask that?”

“Life just isn’t quite what we planned. All the moving, different jobs, the fighting, the lack of sex,” I paused. “Do you ever wish it was different?”

Austin looked at me, “What’s this about, Kate? Something’s bothering you.”

“I guess I get scared sometimes. Do you regret marrying me?”

“How could you even ask that? Of course I don’t regret marrying you. Kate, talk to me babe, tell me what’s going on. This is coming out of left field.”

“I don’t know, I guess sometimes I wonder if you wished for something else - somebody prettier, somebody that wanted more kids, somebody different.”

He stared at me. “Kate, why are you asking me these things? Have I done something that’s made you unhappy? Is this about me, or is it about you?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know, sometimes I just don’t think I deserve you. You’re a good looking guy, women are attracted to you. You ended up with me,” I paused.

He broke in, “I chose you. I didn’t settle.”

The tears, gosh how I hated the tears that would just start when I wasn’t ready to reveal my true feelings. “I think I’m just overwhelmed lately. All these changes, what happened in DC, and then I think about seeing you with Natalie, your hand on the small of her back. I was jealous, but there was a tiny piece of me that understand your want or need to touch her. She was beautiful, and you’re stuck with me.”

“First off, this kind of talk is ridiculous. Why are you getting insecure again? This slips out every once in a while and you do one of two things, you smother me or you start to think I want somebody else. First, I’m not stuck with you, I love you. You have trouble remembering that, and secondly we need to fix this, it’s becoming a recurring pattern.”

“Sometimes I can’t separate my imagination from reality. I see you talking to someone, and I just start to think that you want them, or are thinking about them sexually. I know your actions don’t show that, but I always picture the worst. Then I get depressed, but I realize I did it to myself. I’m not sure how to stop those thoughts.”

Austin took my hand in his, “It’s like a form of self-sabotage. As soon as you’re happy, you wait for something bad to happen, and if it doesn’t you create it yourself. I don’t understand why.”

“I don’t know. I’m just always afraid you’re going to leave. One minute, I know we can get through anything together, and the next moment I’m afraid you’ll realize you’re so much better than I am, and are out of my league.”

“Crazy talk, Kate, that’s what that is – crazy talk.”

“I don’t know how to turn it off, and then when we fought about having another child, I was terrified you’d want somebody else if I didn’t give you another child, but honestly I think I’m done. Two kids are plenty.”

“I wish I knew what triggered these things in you. You’re putting yourself through needless suffering. It doesn’t make sense.”

I shrugged. “I just always feel like I’m not good enough.”

“Maybe you should talk to someone. Are you still taking your depression medication?”

I flushed and looked down, shaking my head. “No.”

“No? Why did you stop?”

“When I was trying to cut the budget, I stopped taking those and my birth control pills. It helped save us money.”

“Aww, honey, you can’t skip medication that your body needs. We’ll find a way to pay for everything. See, when you’re not taking it your depression turns into this bunched up anxiety,” his hand was now in mine, squeezing gently. “Please promise me you’ll restart you medication.”

I nodded quietly. “I’m afraid that we’ll grow apart. We always do when we’re not intimate, and I want to reconnect with you. We’ve been through so much; I miss your touch,” I said.

Lifting my hand to his mouth, his soft lips brushed against my skin. “It’s going to be okay,” after pausing, “and Kate, there’s nobody that I want more than you. You’re my entire world, you and the kids.”

“Some days I just don’t feel good enough for you guys. I feel detached; I don’t know how to fix that.”

“You start by taking your medication, okay? I promise you’ll start to feel better soon.”

I looked into Austin’s eyes, and felt safe. As long as I had him by my side, I’d be okay.

Chapter Eighteen

When Brianna woke up the following morning, she seemed fine. She had a low grade fever, but it never spiked back up. Whatever made her sick the night before seemed to be going away almost as quickly. We made sure to up her fluids for the day, and I kept a close eye on her. Ryan seemed fine, so I was hoping he didn’t turn up with it too.

When Austin got home from work, I had him run over to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I called and spoke to my doctor, asking if she could refill them for me. I knew it would take a couple of weeks to feel like myself again, but at least I was on the right track.

Dinner was uneventful, and after tucking the kids in Austin suggested we turn in a little early, and spend some “quality time” together.

I wasn’t really in the mood, Brianna had been whiny today, and I had the edge of a headache, but I pushed my lack of desire aside and agreed. I wasn’t expecting it to be a sexy night, but the thought of lying beside Austin in bed and talking sounded divine.

“Why don’t you roll over, I’ll rub your back,” he suggested.

That sounded heavenly after the day I had. Lifting my shirt off, he suggested we strip the rest of our clothes off.

“I’d rather be in bed with you naked,” he smiled.

I nodded, and slipped out of my clothes. “I’m not really in the mood,” I started.

“Shhh,” he answered. “Let me rub your back.”

His hands were large and masculine, and as he caressed and massaged me, I relaxed into the comfort of the bed. Slowly his hands moved and focused on the small of my back, playing in the curve above my bottom.

“I love this soft curve here,” he whispered to me, as his fingers delicately drew lazy circles closer and closer to my ass. Letting a finger go dangerously lower, he slipped it down the length of my crack.

Laughing, “Hey, I’m ticklish there.”

“Are you now?” Climbing over me, he lifted my hair and nuzzled into my neck, milking my skin with his lips, as his hands groped and kneaded the flesh of my round cheeks. “I want to fuck you, Kate.”

The rush of adrenalin surprised me. Hearing him talk dirty gave me a spark. I didn’t expect it. I breathed in deeply, and arched my body in response.

“I want to do dirty things to your body,” he said, sliding lower. Layering butterfly kisses across my back, he shifted even lower.

My body was responding like crazy, and as electricity pulsed through me, I got lost in the sensation of his touch.

Moving lower, he kissed my lower back, his tongue now swirling in a pattern and moving dangerously close to my bottom. Suckling a plump, rounded portion of my ass cheek between his lips, I moaned feeling his hot, wet mouth on me.

“Turn over,” he whispered. “I want to taste you,” he groaned.