A Life Plan Without You. (93 page)

The men who stopped with me were my brothers I didn’t believe
them, nor that the man who brought books and books full of
photographs with him was my cousin, but after hours of looking at
the photographs, I started to remember them, they had to show me
pictures of my mum and Aunty Allison as they too had aged, they
didn’t come to see me for a long time, but I didn’t know how many
days they just came and went, as did the visits from the doctor
called Dylan.

Dylan Carter was my psychiatrist, and he was there too when
mum and aunty came to see me, I was nervous and they cried a lot
that’s all I remembered about their first visits, that and looking
at the many albums of photographs with them, I slowly remembered
the times and the things they showed me and as my memories were
slowly returning I felt happier, but there was something nobody was
telling me, Andy would tell Jimmy to shush every time he mentioned
a girl called Michelle, and as I didn’t know a Michelle I ignored
them!

I asked Aunty about Michelle when Andy and Jimmy went to get
fresh clothes and stuff, and she smiled! She it seems knew her
well, so did I apparently I was going to marry her, which was a
great shock, where was she and why did Andy not tell me about this
woman was my most obvious of answers. Aunty said to look at the
photographs she had of Michelle in her handbag, she’d apparently
been dying to show them me for a couple of days.

I knew the woman in the photographs as soon as she showed
them to me; she was the nice lady who stopped with me when I had an
accident in my pants. She changed my clothes and she smelt nice and
like flowers, I remembered the blanket she wrapped me in and the
cuddles she gave me, but I didn’t remember anything else, I wanted
to, it seemed like mum and aunty needed me to remember her
desperately. I know when Andy got back he was angry at aunty, but
Jimmy was happy, he said this was the girl I needed to remember and
Andy told him I didn’t need her in my life she was bad news and he
was to shut up?

I continued to look at the photographs for the next day, I
was looking at them when another lady came in she said I liked her
too, but somehow I knew this was a lie, she came in with Andy a few
times, but she was never my girlfriend for some strange reason I
just knew she wasn’t. She said the woman in the pictures was a
bitch who had only used me. This is when something just clicked
within me. I took out the pictures again after Andy took his
girlfriend home; I didn’t much like her. Aunty came with mum again
and they talked about Michelle, but nothing came back other than
the feeling that she was important to me! Dylan said not to push my
memory was good considering the damage I had, had inflicted upon my
head.

I was discharged to aunties house and placed in a big room
with my own shower. I was given the photographs of Michelle and I
looked at them again and as I looked at one of us in a ballroom I
smiled she looked so happy, I traced her lips with my finger in one
photo and it was as though a light had been switched on and I
remembered me asking this woman out, she said yes, and we got wet.
Dylan said this was good progress and left after a short session
about coping triggers and coping mechanisms.

I had my pills and slept in Aunties big comfortable bed and
had a dream, I woke crying and as Aunty came running in I smiled I
remembered Michelle and taking her virginity in this very bed. I
remembered our nights there and my memories of her flooded back,
taking her gift and how right she felt beneath me and being with
her that way. We’d done amazing things together and I blushed
because I remembered exactly what we did in this very bed. I’d
remembered I had a fiancée and she is my Michelle, she is the love
of my life and we did a wondrous thing in this bed and as I
remember the things we did, all of them. I smile for the first time
in ages; I hug the pillow and cry. I’d remembered her. I need to
hug her and tell her I love her.
Aunty
cried a lot. Andy was mad and mum and Jimmy asked did I remember
asking her to marry me? Simple answer yes I remembered the knee
drop and everything that went with it; I needed her back in my
life, soon!

After a day of crying and talking to Andy, he said no! We had
to think of her and her safety, he was right. I trusted him totally
he hadn’t left my side and neither did my little brother Jimmy. The
days passed slowly and with the help of the pills all I know was
they were long and so upsetting; I wanted my life back I wanted to
start over and for Michelle to be in it. When my memories came
back, they came back with vengeance. I then, remembered the threats
he made, I have to keep her and my baby brother safe too, all of
them. My would be new family, need to be safe, and if he were
locked away, they would be, he has sworn to get even, Andy says she
will be safe away from me, end it. I don’t want to, but he’s right
she will be safe and I will have to make do with the memories of
her I have in my head, because there will be no more and her life
depends on it.

Michelle has been constantly on my mind for days,
the fog clears occasionally and I want to see
Michelle, she is in my dreams all the time. I want her and I need
to tell her I love her, I want her to hold me; I want to smell
her
,
to touch her
again. Then it hits me what my family have done to her. I will make
this easy for her and leave her. It breaks my heart, the thought of
not seeing her ever again, but dad has promised he will be back and
he will kill her! If she isn’t with me anymore, she will be
safe
,
they all
will be safe, she will meet someone else and that will kill me, but
I have to do this, I have to keep her safe. Mi cielo my heart is
breaking.

Aunty says she is a mess and is devastated
,
she just wants to see me and for me
to explain, but I know if I see her I will want to hold her, kiss
her, have her in my life again, but she will be in danger again.
Mum gives me my pills and we look at photos again, I sleep again. I
wake, sleep, I take a pill. I sleep a lot
...

Jimmy comes back, they are emptying the house and he’s been
to see Michelle. He tells me she is a mess too, she loves me and
she will only speak to me and I have to speak to her for her to
move on. Michelle, this will be the hardest thing I do, letting you
go… He hates me for breaking her heart I can see it in his eyes,
not as much as I hate myself Jimmy, not half as much as I hate
myself for endangering her life and bringing her into our fucked up
world. The decision is made; I will give her the answers she needs
to leave.

I ask Aunty to drop me off at the top of the hill and come
back for me in an hour and it will be the hardest hour of my life
and this I have to do myself, to help her heal, for me that will
take some doing, if I can ever recover from this. She has a lesson
with Lee, so I hope she comes back after it and comes this way, I
can’t go to her house, ever again.
She here
and as ever looks lovely as she walks down the hill, her hair in a
soft curl on top of her head, her hair bouncing in the wind and
with her pretty dress on too, baby I’ve missed you.

She kisses me, I’ve missed her and I tingle all over, my dick
twitches at the memory of being inside her and making love to her,
giving her my all! My heart breaks at not being there with her ever
again, my favourite place second to being here in her arms. The
images shoot through my mind of her giving herself to me, I will
always have those wonderful memories to keep me going but this
needs doing.

We sit for what seems like forever. I can smell her perfume
and I see her from the corner of my eye, but I can’t look at her
and it is killing me not to be able to look her in the eyes. If I
do I will bring all this hate back into her life. She will get over
me eventually and move on. I never will, I just want it all to end.
She reaches over and touches me, I recoil from her touch, one
touch, and I will back in her arms. She cries and how I want to
hold her in my arms, but I need to be strong, you’re going to have
to be strong Sam.

She rants and rages at me, she has every right. She mentions
me doing the same to her as I had done to me by Janet, which cuts
me to the core that’s what it must seem like to her, but to me I’m
saving her life. I’m feeling lost and helpless, as she is sick, I
want to rush and hold her, but I have to stay strong!

I’m hurt and confused by everything, does she really think I
don’t want her safe and with me? With me she isn’t safe. I can’t
and won’t risk it, apparently Andy says Dennis will be charged, but
not do proper prison time and he refuses to tell him of his abuse
at his hands, and I am told I can’t give evidence. My psychiatrist
told the police I was an unreliable witness, as I can’t remember
that day or anything for a week after.

Yes if I talk, she will talk me around! I know she will
because that’s what I want, but he will be out and come for her, he
will kill her and her family remember, Sam this is for her sake I
tell myself over and over again. She looks at me and I stare into
space; I can’t face her. She pulls me to her and I pull away, my
arms want to hold her and never let her go. My mouth wants to kiss
hers but my head wins the day, my heart loses, this has been hard
and the longest hour of my life I wasn’t her and need her, she’s
has finally had enough and screams at me to leave her and she will
now be leaving Stockton too, she’s thinking of Australia or the
navy again, good she will be safe away from me and here. She is
saying goodbye and is leaving me; I hear the words of
dread…

“
I guess I’ve had my answer and we’re
over and you haven’t even had the guts to tell me why, so goodbye
Sam, I won’t be seeing you again
.

No baby I can’t tell you I love you, I can’t tell you why
either. I don’t have the courage needed to speak to you baby, that
why I can’t my voice would betray me and I can’t risk
it!

“I don’t think I have ever been hurt as much as I have been in
these past few days, you did that and for that I will never forgive
you, you have broken my heart.”

I know you are hurting baby, better hurt than dead and you
will move on you have too; I hope one day you do forgive me. I will
never forget you not until my dying day, my heart is shattered into
a million unfixable pieces too, I love you Michelle.

“I hope
someday someone finds a way to help you, I hope too someday you get
your true always and forever, I wasn’t yours, but you were that
person for me Sam. You need to get some help! Goodbye, I will never
forget you Sam!”

I have found that person baby he is helping me. My only,
always and forever, is sat here breaking her poor heart; you were
always mine baby from the minute I saw you that day in the ally
dancing into this sorry heart of mine! I will never forget you
either baby! I do as she tells me and I go back to Aunty, I see her
car and head for it, it kills me as I hear my baby crying and now I
hear Michelle as she screams for me to come back. With a deep sigh,
I get back in the car and don’t look back, I can’t look back I have
ended it.

Days ago I was so happy and we had everything. What I
wouldn’t give to turn the clock back and stay at Aunties, she asked
me to and I said no, it would be fine but now after that I’m as
good as dead, so I take the pills, these will stop her screams and
these will stop my heart from breaking, I swallow and as the empty
bottle falls from my hand… I hope the end comes quickly… I
sleep…

Walking home having been dumped, I was angry and crying and
now even more confused than ever, shit it really had happened, we
were over and not one word came from his lips, what was going on?
Why did he hate me so much what had I done? Perhaps he needed time,
but I didn’t need the crap that came with it. To say I was angry
was an understatement I had given him everything and was left with
nothing but tears and sadness.

In days I would be in Hambleton for the whole summer I may
even look at stopping there and going to Fylde University and never
come back The Australian thing seems like a good option to, it’s
the furthest place I can run to. I had a three more days of exams,
three long days left in college, my dance exam and a wonderful week
at university to look forward to.

I will carry on and stop feeling sorry for myself. He had made
it quite clear by his silence that I wasn’t wanted. So I pick
myself up and carry on regardless, yeah right was that it was so
easy, my helpers tried to tell me to wait, to give him time, and as
I walked home looking like a lunatic I shouted at them to leave me
be, they weren’t helping with their cryptic messages of danger and
a great sadness coming my way, what did they think I was doing now,
a happy dance?

I went to bed and slept, no tears just thoughts of Sam, dreams
of Sam and then the tears for Sam. I had a nightmare that he was in
trouble. I woke feeling sick and it was so awful I rushed to the
toilet and was sick; this was going to be a long few days. I was at
the doctors again as mum and Aunty Liz were insistent, I sat there
and listened and as I stared into space, I looked at the pictures
on Dr Jude’s walls, and said nothing.

“Michelle
how do you feel today are the pills helping you?”