A Life Plan Without You. (91 page)

“Fine, what can I do for you then?” They had come for a
statement. I gave my written statement to them, they wrote it out
and I signed. Mum listened and cried, as if that’s going to help.
It’s not helped me an awful lot. Apart from give me stomach cramps,
with the all the belly sobs.

“We will be in contact shortly and can I say for the record
you were very good in the crisis and very good under pressure. You
stopped something far worse from happening yesterday, you were
amazing, just what the police force needs! Give it some thought;
your uncle would be pleased.” I shrugged my shoulders at the
officer.

“Funny that, because how come I feel like the one, who
actually had the knife against Sam’s throat, not his dad. If you go
up to the house or whichever hospital they are keeping my fiancé
in, tell them please that Sam is four and he’s not speaking because
he is in a mess, it’s because he doesn’t know them, he’s afraid,
get them to show him photos, remind him through photos who he is
and who they are, because he won’t know who they are, they are just
strangers the four year old Sam doesn’t know them as they are, and
they will have changed through the years?”

I showed them out. He was going there to see Sam again he
would pass on the message to the staff, and would tell them that I
wanted to see someone. I went to make a drink Mum had listened to
the whole tale, so didn’t question me any further. I took my drink
to bed I needed sleep, she knocked on the wall and Aunty came in
and she asked me did I need anything. I cried no, I just wanted Sam
and turned and went to sleep.

I half hoped he would come to see me, however, he never showed
his face. Dad came and checked on me from time to time in the
night, my sobs were keeping Becky up, so she was in JJ’s bed, he
was next door. I wouldn’t talk to them. Dad said he would kill the
fucker when he saw him again, and would do time, he was a dead man
walking. Mum had told him everything I told the police including
the threat of rape and the sex stuff that he wanted to do to me,
Uncle was sending the stuff the telephone operative noted down and
the recordings, bummer that will be good… Not! He freaked an awful
lot that night, but was glad I was unharmed and untouched; Sam was
the only one he had hurt. I wouldn’t talk about it and they left me
to myself, to work through my heartbreak. They just didn’t know
what to say or do. Dad went to see Aunty Allison the day after the
police visit, and came back sad and angry, as I listened from the
stairs.

“According to his brother Andrew, Sam is a mess Sue, a real
mess and he doesn’t know who anyone is, not even his poor mother.”
Andrew said he wouldn’t see dad and didn’t want to see me anytime
soon, because he didn’t know who anyone was. More tears because of
bloody Andrew again I sleep and cry. I also have bad dreams and
sickness, wonderful. I got up again went for the same jog, went to
school. I did the next day’s exams and stayed on for hockey
practice.

For all intent and purposes my life continued. I was empty
inside and angry with the Todd family and the world. I’m so upset
and confused at what Sam had done, or more what he hadn’t done,
come for me. Days of just carrying on and nothing, no Sam at dance
no Sam at the steps nothing, they had even changed their phone
number too, and I was buggered if I was going up to his house. I
thought I saw Sam waiting by the fence a few times watching
practices and well it wasn’t, yes I checked, it was just a man
walking by school. They had forgotten me, I would forget them, or
try at least to.

“Right Michelle are you ready to practice then? It’s just you
and me today. The others are in after school and college we will
use Cathy the year five goalie for that practice.” I
smiled.

“Fire away Miss Wane give it your best shot.” She sent a
barrage of balls my way, my anger was in full force mode and none
of them were getting past, I managed to hit my teacher with a
couple of the balls, they were flying of the field left right and
Chelsea. I really enjoyed kicking the shit out of those balls. She
was more than happy with my performance. I went in to take off the
pads and grab my bag. I looked to the cricket steps they were empty
and walked home. I saw the car outside my house he was back,
happiness as I ran through the door.

“Sam, Sam… Oh… Hello Aunty Allison.” Mum was in the front room
when I got back, I had a visitor just Aunty had come to see
me.

“I will leave you two to talk.” I sat and waited for the
barrage of abuse I got from Andy. She held me tightly and kissing
my head.

“How are you Michelle, I’ve come to see how you are? I want to
know if you’re all right. Sam is talking, but has sunk into a deep
depression. The doctors have him on strong medication. He, thanks
to your idea of the photos, now knows who we are. He doesn’t talk
at all and has shut down, the doctors say he is in a catatonic
stress induced state; his head is a mess both physically and
mentally? Emma has been able to hold him in the last couple of
hours and she talks to him, she too is in such a mess Michelle,
blaming herself.” I looked at her.

“Over a week it’s taken you to come and see me. Why are you
keeping him from me, keeping me from him is helping how exactly?
Why is this all my fault? It was Sam’s idea to go home not mine.”
She looked at me.

“Michelle you look terrible your beautiful eyes, you haven’t
been eating. Give him time he is so confused. He is still here my
darling angel he is still here with us thanks to you. We have read
your statements and from all police accounts, we owe you for saving
Sam’s life and keeping so calm and level headed. We only got back
this morning, Andrew didn’t want to worry his mother, we would have
been here sooner Michelle, much sooner dear girl.” I smiled, he is
alive and I need to see him, I want him here not his lovely Aunty,
I want Sam. Tears fall and the aching started again.

“And now I’m being punished, through no fault of mine? You’re
screwed up, family have my heart and have squeezed the life out of
it. I’m in a mess and it’s not my fault, I’ve been dumped by Sam
and they’ve sent you for what exactly? To see how I’m coping, well
I’m not, I’m in a thousand pieces, I want him to come and talk to
me I want him to hold me, I just want him.

None of you told me were Sam was, or how he was, none of you.
It’s been over a week and nothing from any of you. Over a week
since the police passed a message on. Not you lot, the police. I
feel used and messed up right royally, can you leave please. I
wasn’t important enough to be checked up upon, so leave. Please,
please leave me, I have a life and intend living it, Sam or rather
Andrew, who it seems, now speaks for Sam. He has chosen not to
allow me in Sam’s life that was Andrew’s choice, not
mine.

When and if Sam wants to talk I’m here, but the longer he
leaves it, the likelihood is he never truly loved me at all, but
know this Aunty Allison, I love him, and he told me every day he
loved me. Tell him not to leave it too long. Please, I can’t take
much more I feel like dying, I miss him so much. I wish Dennis had
killed now me really I do, I can’t take much more. I won’t take
much more do you hear me? Not much more...”

I ran upstairs and cried by myself, ten days in a row. I heard
voices, not raised and then Aunty cried as she got in her car,
slowly pulling away. Fucking Andrew, he’d lied and he hadn’t told
Aunty? Yet he told dad Sam wasn’t speaking to anyone even his
mother or his aunty, what was he playing at? He was alone for a
whole week and my heart broke at the thought of just Andy being the
only contact he’d had, how alone must he have been?

I slept again, my dreams were more nightmare than dream and
often I woke screaming as Dennis’s face was in them. Sam was
running away from me as fast as he could, and then opening doors to
find Andy blocking my way. My helpers were in my head telling me to
give him time, sleep and be calm Michelle all will be well. I cried
some more and slept some more.

I woke, after my disturbed night’s sleep and went for my early
morning jog, my ritual start to the day, at half past five every
morning I could be seen running the track for two hours, the rain
didn’t stop me, the wind didn’t stop me, nobody stopped me and they
tried to help me but nothing they said helped, nothing they did
helped, nothing could stop me thinking of Sam. I pounded the
racetrack as if it was its fault, the anger coursing throughout my
whole body, finally done my head was aching as I stood still for a
minute I threw up. I jogged back across the road and through the
field.

Sitting for a minute on our steps I did some stretches. I ran
home after yet more tears were shed, my stomach growled and feeling
like I could eat a horse I made myself breakfast. I hadn’t eaten
properly since that day, only odd bits of toast, half eaten dinners
left in my room, I’d a basket full of uneaten comfort foods, my
appetite had long since become the least of my worries, but now I
was really hungry. I made myself scrambled eggs and toast then sat
and ate, that eaten I sulked of to bed, to wallow for a couple of
hours, my next exam was after lunch.

I went for my shower after I woke; those snatched four hours
were the longest I’d slept so far, I got ready for my exam and
packed my kit ready for the match later. I set off for my exams.
I’m running on autopilot now, I turned up for lesson, I did my
exams, I worked in the kitchens and carried on and I didn’t know
how I did it, my subconscious did it all for me, I was there but
not there and it was weird.

There was nothing else left for me to lose, the plans we’d
made were forgotten and my focus was on the here and now, I had to
get the next couple of weeks out of the way and then regroup. I was
will power and shit knows what else. Nobody can hurt me anymore I
won’t let them. As I walked towards the ally that lead to college
Jimmy was waiting for me. I walk past him, but as I did he pulled
me into his arms, I cried and cried. He just held me tightly, he
smelt like just like Sam as I clung to him smelling Sam on him.
Then realisation set in that it was Jimmy and I pulled
back.

“Are you, all right Michelle? I just came to see if you were
all right, Mum and Aunty are so upset at all this, we all are
Michelle, he just won’t have you near him, we tell him you’re
coming and he locks himself away crying, he cries himself to sleep
and he won’t talk. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I’ve been sat by
Sam’s bed all week wishing he would ask for you. I don’t know what
to do? Andy, well he’s weird and strange. He wouldn’t have the
police contact Mum or Aunty, saying Mum was ill and needed to see
Sam well, not like he was. I’m sorry Michelle, what can I do you
look ill, really ill?” He held me tightly, as I drank in that smell
of Sam on him.

“The photos were a good idea now he seems to be coming around,
but he’s so messed up. Andy, well he’s on some sort of mission to
save Sam all on his own. We tell him to let you come and he says
no, the doctors said seeing you would hurt him more, you had
something to do with this according to Andy. What Michelle what did
you do, what did Dennis do to you both that day?” I looked at him.
He looked worried and from the redness of his eyes, he’d been
crying too.

“None of this is my fault and you and your wacky family can’t
make it my fault. I gave Sam everything I could give him Jimmy, he
had me, my dreams and everything Jimmy he had everything I could
give him. Now he’s wrecked my life, wrecked it and left me here
alone. His promises meant nothing when it came down to it, he would
love me forever, umm obviously forever didn’t include what your
fucking father did to me, the threats, the knife he flashed under
my chin, he tried to make me strip for him, he cut my top off, he
did things, he said things, he hurt Sam so I did everything he
asked of me to save your brother!

I took everything your father did to me that day to save Sam,
because the awful things Dennis said he would do to him if I left
were just too sickening to think about, I didn’t want Sam having to
endure those things. I didn’t want him to hurt Sam. Sam promised
he’d never leave me, he, he, he promised me he loved me Jimmy, why
is he not here? I need to see him and for him to tell me we’re
through, if there is no chance of him and I getting back together
then I will leave, I won’t come back here. It’s too hard for
me.”

He held me tightly as I sobbed into his shoulder he knew I was
hurting, as he cried too. To the people passing we were a couple
hugging and crying, having a lovers tiff. I pulled away, I was
going mental, Jimmy wasn’t Sam and wishing he was, is so wrong, he
looked shocked as I suddenly let loose, my anger and autopilot
taking control of me again.

“Well, I’m not going to roll over and play dead, if he doesn’t
want me, fine I’m going to have to live with that, but he still
needs to stop sending you lot and do it himself, he’s had nearly
two weeks. I think he owes me that much or you need to let me see
him and let Sam tell me we are through and we are, I can’t do this
anymore, I don’t want to be this hapless bitch who does nothing but
cry. What I want to do is die, that’s how he’s made me feel, I want
to die and without him I’m as good as dead. So the sooner he tells
me the sooner I know where I stand.”

I’d pushed past Jimmy, telling him to tell Sam, to tell me
it’s over and it will be. My autopilot is good. I storm to college;
I didn’t turn back as Jimmy begged me to wait for him to get
better, I needed to wait because Sam really loved me. I blocked his
pleas out and ran to the gates and disappear into the crowds of
students, mingling and getting on with my sad pathetic life. He had
been in it for such a short time, why was he now the biggest part
of it? Why did I want to die, why can’t I carry on? Why, I hate
that fucking loaded question…