A Life Plan Without You. (92 page)

Today is my last hockey match and a cup-tie. Sam was getting
better fine, but still refuses to see me, that’s too is fine and
his choice. I am running on fumes now, each day I shut down,
speaking when I have to, sleeping and eating if I feel like it. Mum
says another day and I’m going to the doctors, enough is enough. I
was angry and mad now, good and mad. I did my final food service
exam and climbed in the mini bus to Stockton Grammar School, our
final was on their home turf. I was silent all the way there, the
anger seething inside me. Tasha, Mandy and Sophia all tried to
talk.

Mandy had been told by mum what had happened and she knew
everything, but kept it to herself. Now she too was watching me
like a hawk because mum had told her I was suicidal, maybe I was? I
did think it would be easier than all this pain I was going
through. She’d split up from Paul and had sat on my bed and spilled
everything, whilst sharing stories of our lost loves together. She
said he wasn’t in love with her as much as she was with him, she
knew my pain! No, you don’t we were supposed to be together getting
married I had the rings to prove it and I had given myself to him
completely, with that one sole purpose, that we would be together
forever.

I ignored them as Karen sat grinning! Did she know and did I
really care? I padded up and went to play. We bullied off and wow
my anger played a blinder, the shots coming at me were kicked right
off the field time after time, a few of their supporters came to
put me off, they moved damn sharpish when I threatened to ram my
stick up their arses or kick the next ball at them. The reps from
Stockton were here as I shouted orders to the team to
move.

Kicking one ball nearly to their goal, which led to a goal
that had the whole crowd gawping at the sheer distance I’d kicked
the ball, that and the power behind the kick. The reps were
apparently were very impressed. I was told too that I was good
enough to play for the county and even for my country, the head
coach for the county was patting my back and telling me all this as
Karen passed me, she listened in to their talks to me, I said the
right things ant the right time, but really I was just paying lip
service, my mind was elsewhere.

I was given a card by the England goal keeping coach, who
asked me my plans, I told him I was going into the Royal Navy. He
was very impressed with my performance indeed and said I could play
and be supported by the navy, as their sports programs were
excellent.

My life plan was kicking back into place. I didn’t know they
were even here watching, Miss Wane was ecstatic, all her teams won.
I watched as Becks too played a fantastic game. My little sister
had been great through all this and had sneaked in a cuddle. All
her teams were presented with our cups and we did the victory
cheer, all this was no big deal. It would have been two weeks ago,
or had I had my cheerleading squad here to help me
celebrate.

The other players got in the bus and left, I didn’t join them
as Karen had made some shity comment about my fiancé not being
bothered to turn up. I just looked at her with that grin on that
face, the face I wanted to pummel with my fist until nobody knew
who she was, really I did, but the damn auto pilot stopped me. Her
spiteful taunts about my missing fiancé were the last thing I
needed and they hit a raw nerve, and I let my guard down in a
moment of weakness.

“What fiancé, would that be?” My first word in college for
over a week, and it’s to her to tell her we have split up. Shit she
was laughing as the bus pulled away, I was angry at myself and I
walked down the road towards town. I passed The Frog in’t Mud on my
way home and Paul was shouting at me.

“Hey you what you doing out of your cooking classes?” I looked
at him and shrugged my shoulders.

“On my way home, after hockey, thanks for asking.” I carried
on walking home he followed, offering to walk me home and carry my
kit. I smiled and said I was fine, it was not necessary.

“How’s things Michelle, I haven’t seen you, since splitting up
from Mandy?” I laughed, as if I gave a crap. When did we become
bosom buddies? Did he forget Mandy was my friend and
neighbour?

“I’m fine, nursing a broken heart, but fine thanks for asking
again. I have to be home and please don’t ask me more questions I’m
likely to kick the shit out of you and cry a lot.” He
smiled.

“Feel free to kick away.” I smiled and said goodbye. I got in
from the match and went for a shower and ready to change into my
dress for class tonight. I brushed my hair and put it up in a tight
ponytail, I put on my flowered dress and the pink underwear from
Sam, crying as I put it on.

My rings made me sad looking down at them, all of two bloody
days I’d had them before my life started to spiral out of control,
I’d taken them off the day all this happened, crying as I did. I
left them in the top-drawer, moving my promise ring to take their
place. It hurts to look at them every single day, but this one
gives me a strange comfort. I don’t know why, but it does, perhaps
I believe in the commitment thing about them? I set off and walked
across the field, the kids were playing on the steps as I climbed
them and carried on up the hill.

I arrived for my lesson with Lee and I changed into my shoes.
I smiled a little, reality and a lot of autopilot was in action
again because here it hurt the most, I pictured him changing his
shoes, looking at me, the fall at his feet, our first dance this
place was so painful, my peaceful place was not a horrid place to
be, I didn’t want to be here either, not without him...

“Good evening Lee, what do we start with first?” He looked at
me and smiled.

“You look different tonight feistier and ready to rock my
world?” I laughed at that one

“Lee If ever you were barking up the wrong tree now.” He
laughed again and gave me a hug. He didn’t ask questions just gave
me a hug. He told me he was there for me again, as he had done last
week too. I nearly cried off but did the lessons and went straight
home, this week wasn’t any easier and I hated my shity life more.
Dance class the place to mend my soul, even this place was
struggling.

“I like your sassy mouth Michelle, I will dance female through
the basics with you start with the foxtrot and we follow the music
to the next dance. Is that clear?” I smiled.

“As crystal Lee let’s get this show on the road.” He ran and
put an album on and we danced I went through the waltz, the
foxtrot, slow fox trot, jive and rumba.

“Your top-notch on those Michelle let’s do the tango and call
it a night.” I took up the position.

“It would be a lot easier this if you weren’t the size of an
Amazonian Princess, Lee.” He laughed.

“Make that The Queen of the Amazons if you don’t mind? Come on
let’s get this done and out of the way, the tango and finish for
tonight.” I started fine and got to the part were Gillian had sent
me flying into Sam, I took a deep breath and danced through the
painful memory, I did it perfectly. I smiled and corrected my
partner’s hands. He smiled down at me.

“That’s it for tonight Michelle perfect lesson, see you Friday
only a week to exams you still have to nail the samba, add another
lesson in midweek perhaps babes and I still have the forms for the
dancing competition, give it a try please babe?” I gave him a peck
on his cheek and promised to think about it. I went to change my
shoes. I walked home in a better mood.

I went to cross the field and he was there at the steps, I
didn’t know whether to go around and hide from him or make it a
clean cut ending this painful bit of my life forever? I decided a
clean cut and rip the plaster off and get on with healing. I ran to
him and threw my hands around him.

“Oh Sam you came, you came back to me thank you, thank you, oh
I missed you so much.” I kissed him my tears falling as he went
stiff and he pulled away again; damn it he did nothing to make this
easier, there was absolutely nothing there, I sat down and waited
for him to start talking but he didn’t talk, he just ignored me? I
watched him and waited for him to speak, his beautiful face was
still just as I remembered it to be, he looked no
different.

Still there the lost look in his eyes perhaps, an absent look
about him, here but not really here? I watched him with tears
welling in my eyes and yes I sat for ages waiting. I went to touch
him and he pulled away. I was hurting even more now, this silence
was killing me the lack of emotion was a hard pill to swallow, he
was always so loving before his hands never left my body, now he
was repulsed by my touch and his non presence here was a useless
waste of time, why had he come if all he was going to do was sit in
silence, he was now just a silent stranger sat on the steps. I
wanted him, I needed him, I yearned for his touch and he couldn’t
stand mine. Was he still the little boy, was he still
lost?

“Oh hell Sam speak to me please, this is killing me. Every day
is horrid and empty angel. What’s going on Sam? It’s as if I’m
nothing to you anymore? Christ am I nothing to you anymore? Now you
have had me you, don’t want me? Please angel, talk to me and just
tell me what I need to do? Do I wait or leave, what do you want
from me? Tell me Sam, please just tell me what I need to do to get
us back, I’m dying without you Sam, is there any chance of getting
us back?” Still expressionless and blank, nothing but a dead look
on his face.

“Go back to your Aunts Sam, I can’t do this anymore. I’m not
as strong as you all think I am. I can’t carry you forever and you
can’t keep making me. You have serious problems and until you sort
them out and get help, we can’t do this anymore. I gave you that
piece of me to keep forever. Now you have treated me no differently
than Janet treated you. Is that what you wanted all along someone
to feel the pain you felt? Well congratulations it worked, you’ve
managed it I feel used and I feel like a stupid fool because I fell
for your lies, did you ever love me?

I know what he did to you was really bad Sam, but I didn’t do
anything to you, why are you punishing me for his actions? I did
what I did that day to protect you because I love you. I will
always love you Sam always; but I won’t be treated like this I
won’t let you hurt me anymore. Why do you hate me when all I have
ever done is love you? You can’t do this to me, not end it like
this, I deserve to hear the reason why we are through, that would
be good. You promised me always and forever. It seems that’s not
the case a better one that suits you Sam is, love ‘em and leave ‘em
that works better for you.”

He just looked at me his eyes blank and no emotion. I wanted
to hold him, but he pulled away again and again, he was repulsed by
my touch, the touch he craved just days ago was now not wanted. So
revolted was he by me, that he couldn’t bear to feel my hands on
him.

“Please Sam tell me what to do? I need you to tell me things
are going to be all right. I’m not leaving you Sam because your
pushing me away, but if we’re through…”

I sobbed more and more, the tears and screaming at him caused
me to throw up and as I wiped my mouth, I could swear he changed
just for a moment, but no he didn’t move, no comforting arms around
me.

“…
I won’t be stopping here in Stockton Sam. This is
too hard and I won’t ever be coming back, Australia’s looking for
chefs and the navy is back on the cards again, but know this
though. I will always love you baby and only you. I’m just sorry
you don’t love me the same way. I wish your dad had killed me Sam,
at least I wouldn’t have to be this unhappy, and my pain would be
no more. Sam please just speak to me.”

I got up to touch him again and he pulled his arm away. I
couldn’t keep this up, the rejection was too much, and not when I
didn’t know why?

“I guess
I’ve had my answer and we’re over and you haven’t even had the guts
to tell me why, so goodbye Sam, I won’t be seeing you again. I
don’t think I have ever been hurt as much as I have been in these
past few days, you did that and for that I will never forgive you,
you have broken my heart. I hope someday someone finds a way to
help you, I hope too someday you get your true always and forever,
I wasn’t yours, but you were that person for me Sam. You need to
get some help! Goodbye, I will never forget you Sam.”

I couldn’t beg anymore, so I turned and I ran away. I cried
and turned for one last look as I climbed through the fence, he was
walking away. I ran after him, all that was crap, I loved him, and
I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be
fine. I screamed at him to stop.

“Please stop, please Sammmmmmmmm, stop please, I love you
always and forever angel, come back to me please?” I got to the top
of the hill and he was getting in his Aunts car, she sped off and
drove him away from me, we were not so easy to fix after
all…

I woke after a few days in a hospital. I woke at first very
confused and I remembered very little about the first three or four
days there, they were crazy days! During those missing days, I
thought I was a child apparently, I cried for my mummy a lot and I
was sore, and had the biggest headache, I found out I’m not in fact
a four year old child, but a twenty two year old man. I had a
massive shock looking into the mirror when I woke and needed the
toilet, the man in the mirror was old, and as I screamed the nurse
jabbed me with a needle and I slept. When I woke up a man was
sitting in my room, he was
a doctor
called
Dylan he wanted to
talk to me about my condition. I couldn’t tell him much because I
didn’t know anything.