A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (8 page)

“Um, let’s see. Eany, meany, miney, moe. Catch a piggy by the toe. If he hollers, let him go. Eany, meany, miney,
moe!
”

“Okay, here we go, y’all. This here corridor has a red light sure enough up ahead. I can tell it is an open room. Now as we step in, it is obvious that the red glow of danger is coming from that stout, wooden treasure chest.”

“Hello, did someone say treasure? Burbity! At last, there’s something worthwhile on this infernal adventure. I think I’ll go stuff my pockets with loot. Burb, burb, burb.”

“Nossir Mr. Morganstern, sir, it’s a trap!”

“Nonsense, boy, I’m just going to lift the lid and see. Hah! I knew it! Scads of golden loot! I’ll just grab up a handful of treasure and... hey, it’s got me! Help! Temperance, do something, I think this gold wants to eat me!”

“I say, I shall come to your aid then shall I, eh hem? Oh drat, my assault by elven sword is disappointingly ineffectual, yes?”

“Ach! Kill the beast! It’s a Wishful Thinker! The monster will devour the human!”

“Verily, I assault this horrid monster with the great blade Julienne!”

“Ye’re elf blade has released the human, but not slain the beast!”

“I say, the creature now assumes its natural state of being, yes? An eight legged, fanged toad that is more or less all mouth.”

“Aye, but between the two elven blades and the dwarf axe, together we have driven the monster asunder. How is your human mate, dwarf Ichabod?”

“He’s got a bunch of suckery red blotches where that deceitful cave chameleon was savoring on him, but I’m going to apply a healing salve that will get him right as rain in no time.”

“How nice. Now then, as this room is a dead end, I propose we return to the previous corridor conjuncture.”

“Harumph. With our backs to the entry corridor of blade and dart, we have already dispensed with the corridor to the right. Which one do we attempt next?”

“Let’s do the one directly ahead, y’all. Oooh, I see that our Staff of Truth is revealing an ancient rune, carved in the floor. I can’t tell what sort of trap it will release, though.”

“I say, I suggest we engage the trigger from a distance, and see what happens, eh hem?”

“All right, Miss Plumtartt, I’ll gently underhand toss this rock to land on top of the rune on the floor.”

~
thud.
~

~click!~

~skucucucucucucucuc-hhh.~

“My word, the mine trembles beneath my feet. A rumble has seized this corridor. Mr. Temperance, what is happening?”

“I ain’t sure but I think we better skedaddle!”

“Here we are at the corridor junction. The dead end room is now blocked. Something big and heavy is coming down the corridor we just exited. We cannot return down the dart and blade corridor at speed with pursuit. We must step quickly into the third hallway.”

~
rumble, rumble,
whoosh!
~

“Oh my Goodness, did y’all see that? A giant, perfectly round boulder narrowly missed crushing us all! Listen and I bet we can hear the blades, darts attacking that rolling rock and then the boulder plunging into the lava pit.”

~Kah-tunka-tunka-tunk!~

~Pah-tooey, tooey, tooey!~

   ~tink! tink! tink!~

   ~
ploop!
~

   ~fisssssssssss!~

“Gosh, that was close, y’all. I hope we didn’t trip any traps just by stepping into the doorway of this last hallway.”

“rrrr-RARRRR-rrrrr.”

“I say, we hear the menacing growl of an approaching beast. What are your suggestions now, Mr. Temperance?”

“rrrr-RARRRR-rrrrr!”

“Do something, Temperance: I am in peril, boy!”

“Yessir! Whatever it is, it’s low, big, and coming on like a locomotive.”

“Miss Plumtartt, you press your back against Legolamb’s back. By pushing against one another, I am hoping you can walk your feet up the opposite walls and get yourself up off the ground a few feet. Mr. Morganstern and Strongenfight will do the same.”

“A dreadful monster is almost upon us. What will you do, Icky?”

“I’m gonna run! Bye, y’all!”

“Icky has ducked back down the lava pit corridor, just as a massive basilisk passes beneath us. The subway sized salamander is intent upon our honorary dwarf and does not heed us, a few inches over its head. Its speed is tremendous and will either overtake and devour Ichabod, or drive him into the lava.”

“rrrr-RARRRR!-fisst!

“I say, Mr. Temperance, are you alive, sir, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. Thanks to my magic pick, I was able to whack it into the passage wall high enough to secure a last moment hidey spot up out of that collosus crocodile’s way before that gargantuan gator and his runaway momentum took me and him both into that there molty bath.”

“Harumph. Now what do we do?”

“Well, sir, it’s a dead end to our right, and I hear more monsters coming from the left. I reckon we’ll go down roly poly alley and see what happens.”

“Verily, this is a long corridor. It is fortunate, though, that the staff reveals no traps before us.”

“I noticed that it did not glow when that there Basilidile came barreling through, Mr. Legolamb.”

“The spell is for revealing traps of construction. It is powerless to notify us of living dangers. The WSishful Thinker was revealed because it assumed the form of a contrived object.”

“Yessir, I gotcha. Say, we have reached the end of the corridor. This hallway opens upon a big room. Actually, I think this is a
really
big room, as in, it is actually a vast cavern.”

“Verily, mine staff doth not produce a glow; nevertheless, I am hesitant to walk on this expansive concourse.”

“What dost thine instincts tell ye, dwarf Icky?”

“We go straight out yonder, thataways.”

“Jolly good, then let us be on our way, gentlemen.”

“Golly, these here carbide headlamps don’t hardly push their feeble light but a few feet, do they? They are barely enough to keep us from stumbling over rubble, miscellaneous detritus, and the occasional yawning, open crack of indeterminate depth.”

“I say, this is a much wider hall than I would have earlier given credit. I am quite sure the ceiling is a hundred meters distant. Any sign of a destination, Mr. Temperance? Oh, it doesn’t even have to be a doorway. A wall would be a welcome addition to this interminable openness.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, I am sure enough trying to find... hey, did y’all hear that?”

“Burbity, hear what, Temperance?”

“I thought I heard something, like a low, stealthy chittering.”

“Harumph. Chittering: really, what sort of nonsense will that boy come up with next?”

“I say, be quiet, Mr. Morganstern. Mr. Temperance is correct; there is indeed, a low chittering coming from our left flank.”

“I meant from up ahead, Ma’am.”

“Ye’re both wrong; it comes from our right.”

“Burbity, don’t be preposterous; the blasted chittering is coming from behind us.”

“Verily, we are surrounded, my friends. Have your weapons in hand.”

“Creatures are scampering away as my miner’s lamp sweeps over them. These are some kind of amphibian cave creatures, as big as me, y’all.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance. Though they are shy of our lamps, their overwhelming numbers grant them the courage to approach ever closer, eh hem?”

“Ach, be strong my comrades, we are in the company of a horde of troglodytes! Be prepared for battle!”

“Verily, our dwarvish lamps keep them just out of range, but their courage, spurred on by hunger, increases.”

“Woah! Back it up, Mr. FrogDelight! I’ll give you a grade school dissection with this here pick!”

“Verily!”

“Ach!”

“My stars!”

“Burbity!”

“Oh my Goodness, they are prepared to leap on us! This calls for full on
mêlée
modus, y’all!”

“Mr. Temperance, these swarms are legion. Can you not alleviate the flow somehow, eh hem?”

“I know, I’ll fire up the deep water nocturnal rescue beacon! I’ll stash my pick. Now I just need to wind up this mini generator.”

~wind, wind, wind, wind~

~buh-whurzzz...
Pur
Kizittsztch!
~

“Ach! I’m nearly stroock blind!”

“Verily, so art we all, but so much worse though for the troglodyte army.”

“Eh hem, one notes that your handheld star pulsates, in a strobic manner, Mr. Temperance. The intermittent flashes of light strangely animate our aggressive, albino aborigines.”

“Burbity! Great Treasury Notes, this massive cavern is absolutely aswarm with the nasty little creatures! Speaking of nasty little creatures, Temperance, get me out of here!”

“Yessir, Mr. Morganstern, sir. Golly, this here signal light is as bright as an arc lamp. Come on, y’all, its oppressive light is showing that we are nearly to the other side of this big room. Its painful illumination is keeping the overwhelming ToggleDike hordes at bay. Hey, I see an opening in the wall, y’all. Let’s run in there. Okay, good, it ain’t got none of them bitey kritters in here. I’ll leave this hyper-bright signaling device in the doorway to protect our escape.”

“Burbity: blasted lengthy hallway. It wouldn’t be so bad if it did not have that unfortunate leftward lurch to it.”

“I say, the unusual bend to the corridor does make its traverse difficult; however, the incline is most definitely to the right.”

“Um, I hate to be contrary, Ma’am, but it seems to me that this walkway is curving upward.”

“Ach, nae, t’is a downward spiral we plunge intae.”

“Verily, it almost spins.”

“There are some stairs at the end of the hall. We’ll go up and see where they lead.”

“Harumph, ridiculous nincompoop. Get it right for once; we’re going down a flight of stairs.”

“I say, nonsense, Mr. Morganstern, we climb up.”

“Nae, t’is down.”

“Verily, everyone slow down, we are losing track of one another!”

“Oh my Goodness, Miss Plumtartt, where are you?”

“Yoo, hoo, Mr. Temperance, from where do you call?”

“Harumph. Leave it to that idiot Temperance to confound the quest.”

“Ach, these doorways and stairs are endless. We are twisting about each other.”

“Verily, I alternate between close passage and open space. Everyone hold their respective position while standing upon stair in open air.”

“Good idea, Mr. Legolamb, sir. I see you! Hunh, that’s funny; it’s like you are standing sideways.”

“Burbity burb! Temperance! Hold onto something, you fool! You are standing directly over my head! You should be falling on me, you scoundrel!”

“Gee, it looks like you ought to be falling on me, sir.”

“Quite so, I say, how uncanny! Each of us enjoys their own perspective upon the direction of up and down, eh hem? Yes, my word, from where I stand, I see that our good Dwarf Strongenfight stands upon the same stair as our Mr. Temperance; however, he is underneath. Each man is walking down their respective stair, yet are opposite one another as relates to their base.”

“Verily, we have fallen into a trap that my staff was not designed to recognize.”

“Ach, I have heard of this dreaded chamber. T’is known as ‘The Vault of EmCey Eschewer’. The design is to befuddle the unwary traveler and steal their bearings.”

“Let us all adjust our positions again, and see if we may find more pleasing coordinates from which to scheme our way from this dilemma, eh hem?”

“Golly gee whillikers, I don’t know if this is any better, Ma’am!”

“No, not particularly, Mr. Temperance; however, it allows me the pleasure of passing our dear elf Legolamb on the same stairway.”

“Verily, Persephone, it boggles my elven mind to be at odds with someone so very close, for where I stand upon the horizontal face of the same stair, you stand upon the vertical.”

“Quite so, the effect is dizzying, I admit, sir. How does your compass read, Mr. Temperance?”

“Gee, whiz, it’s just a spinning like a pinwheel in a tornado, Ma’am.”

“Ach, we must all gather in one group again. Dwarf Icksy, you now stand sideways to me. There is a passage behind me. If I pull ye to my position, the hallway wall will be your floor.”

“Okay, Mr. Strongenfight, catch this rope and brace yourself so that I can climb up. There now, I can stand in the passage and help you get another of our party to this locale.”

“Hear, hear, how nice to join you gentlemen again, even if I must hang from the floor by my fingertips to do it, eh hem?”

“Here is Mr. Legolamb, y’all. We’ll just have to drag Mr. Morganstern behind us as he is just hanging in space as we pull him to us.”

“Corridors branch in all directions, Mr. Temperance. Will your highly touted sense of direction lead us from this vexing vault?